Marlin, a woman

[Marbabar]

Well maybe I'll write a short intro after all. My name is Marlin. That's the name my parents gave me at birth, and it's precious to me. I don't think it's too overtly masculine so I don't plan to change it, though I've been going by the nickname Mar more often lately.

 

I came out as a gay man when I was 18, and no one was surprised because I was always so feminine. See, in our small mining town at the turn of the millennium, we didn't know the difference. I just knew I was into men, and since everyone insisted I was a man too, that meant gay.

 

I was pretty androgynous in college. Then I got married to a fairly masculine man and his lifestyle rubbed off on me a little. Then I went to grad school and had to "get serious" so I made myself even more masculine, and my depression really ramped up. Then, we had a child, and if any of you have had a child you know this: it's so scary, and there is so much social pressure, that I reached out for any kind of safety I could find. For me that meant going full-on man-mode for the first time in my life, and it was honestly GREAT. Since people understood what they were looking at when they saw me, in my beard and flannel, everyone was friendly and respectful and took me seriously and I could safely go anywhere and know that I would be treated well. The power of white male privilege is REAL, y'all!!!

 

But my depression and anxiety went through the roof, and I couldn't figure out why. I finally relented to my doctor's offer of antidepressants, after saying "no thanks" for 25 years. And guess what? The veil lifted. I could see myself for the first time, and feel good about my quirks and flaws and mistakes and uniqueness. Within a few months I was exploring the idea that maybe being a girl WASN'T just an impossible dream: Caitlyn Jenner was having her moment and the world was changing.

 

I started adding feminine touches to my presentation, and going full-on girl-mode on weekends. Summer came (I'm a teacher so that  means no work) and I went full-time. A month later I was in the clinic being prescribed a hormone program. And here I am, happily married to a confused gay man, parenting a 5 year old who calls me "Daddy" and apologizes for it, and looking forward to starting a new position in the Fall where everyone will know me as Ms. Marlin instead of Mr. Marlin!

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks very much for your introduction, Marlin.  I agree that Marlin is a pretty androgynous name.  It seems you have a supportive family, and I know how important that is.  I wish you all the best on your road to the new you.  There are many surprises ahead, and the world of womanhood is a pretty nice place to inhabit.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Thank you for the intro.  I too like the name Marlin and feel it would be apropos for women and men.   You have quite a life!  I hope your husband and child will rise above the confusion they are experiencing.  I have a 30 something son that calls me Dad, but we don't go out in public often together so its not really an issue.  If Mom wouldn't feel right you might brainstorm with your family about a new name.  I'm Jana to my grandkids since they have a Nana.   Starting anew in school this fall sounds exciting.

 

Jani  

[Cyndee]

Welcome Marlin and thanks for the intro post, glad you joined us... I've traveled your state a bit, and when you mentioned mining town, I recall my visit to the town of Eureka in Juab county for business. The bank there was like "old west", lot of history there...

 

Best wishes on going full time at work this fall.

 

Cyndi -

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Marlin,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad to meet you!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[SugarMagnolia]

Welcome Marlin and thanks for the introduction! 

The idea of feeling that this dream isn't impossible is so powerful. 

[tracy_j]

Hi Marlin,

 

Welcome ? 

 

Tracy

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Marlin.  Thanks for sharing your story.

Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize