I'm Really Unsure

[Ru]

I'm an AFaB person and I've been questioning my gender for about a year. Where I currently think my gender is, is genderqueer but to the more masculine side.

 

Sometimes I also wonder if I'm a boy, but I don't experience intense constant dysphoria and I have little to no memories of dysphoria from my childhood. I do remember thinking that the other boys in my pre-school were so cool and wanting to be like them. I also remember in middle school, crying during a class field trip to the pool because I was so insecure about revealing my upper body.  Throughout my childhood, I've been pretty masculine (star wars, soccer etc.) But there were also times when I wanted to be a princess for Halloween or play with dolls. I know that the things I liked as a kid don't define my gender but I'm really frustrated. It would make a lot of sense that I would be non-binary but the idea scares me because I don't want people to think my identity isn't real. 

 

My whole life I've had a masculine voice, maybe I subconsciously talk lower to sound more masculine? When I was three, some kid told me I sounded like a boy. I don't know if this is relevant to my gender identity or not. Also, my whole life people have thought I was a boy but it upset me because it made me feel like I was a failure of a girl.

 

I kind of want to transition in testosterone and get top surgery but I'm still so unsure. Do I have to want male genitalia to be a trans man? Do I have to be comfortable with presenting and acting hyper-masculine in order to be a boy? I've also never been seriously depressed or had any other mental health problems (besides mild anxiety when I was younger). I know a lot of trans people have mental health problems like depression so by me not having serious mental health problems, does that somehow make me less likely to be trans?

[ChickenLittle]

Hi there! Welcome to TransPulse. Last year I made a post in this area because I was also super uncertain, frustrated, and scared about my gender identity (hence my username). I found that the people here are so loving and supportive, and I hope you find the same. Through my time here and experimenting with gender presentation in my own life, I figured out that I am trans, probably masculine-presenting nonbinary if I want to get specific. However, I share your trepidation with claiming a nonbinary label as many people don't respect or "get it," even in some trans spaces. So I use he/him pronouns primarily. BUT the good news is that people here are loving and supportive of nonbinary identities so this is a great place to talk to people about your thoughts and feelings. 

 

As for your questions: You absolutely don't have to feel discomfort about your genitals to be trans. You don't have to be hyper-masculine to be a boy (both myself and my cis male partner are good examples of this). And you definitely don't have to struggle with mental illness to be trans. Everybody's experiences and journeys are different. Some people decide to transition socially without using hormones, some decide to do both. Some decide they are more comfortable considering themselves "gender nonconforming" and leave it at that! Contrary to a lot of what you see in the media, there is no one size fits all road map for us, and that's really a beautiful thing.  

 

Feel free to read through my old posts (I think you can get to them by clicking on my profile if you'd like) if you want to see what my year has been like, and send a message if you have any questions!

 

Others here often recommend finding a gender therapist if at all possible, and I think that's a great idea. A gender therapist is just somebody who is knowledgeable about gender issues and varied gender identities who can help you figure things out. So if you have access to that, it could be super helpful. 

 

-Kendall

[Charlize]

Welcome Ru.

 We are all a bit of a mix i think.  Where i fit in that mix seems to change over time.  It has been affected by the expectations of others as well as the flow of hormones.  That is perhaps the same for even cis folks.  For me i've found peace in accepting what i've known since i was a child.  That being said i also have male in me as well and can enjoy that as well even though i present female to the world.   

It helps to share that journey.

Your not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Ru.

 

Welcome ?

 

Over time I get more and more convinced that the whole idea of what is effectively a strict binary divide is totally wrong. You are not the first, and won't be the last to be in this uncertain position. Take your time to understand yourself. Don't worry about catagories and labels. Being who you feel you are is the key. Read around and learn from other experiences, but be who you are.

 

Tracy

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hi Ru (and welcome!),

 

you definitely don't need to be hyper-masculine in order to be a boy (if cis guys don't need to be, why would you?) and mental health issues are not a requirement of being trans (though I understand why you see that link). >__<  

 

I can relate to a number of things in your post. I've been questioning for a while (over a year!! ? ) and am just starting to settle down with an identity of non-binary on the masculine side  (still open to change though). I also worry about identifying as "non-binary" and being judged or called fake or lumped into a group of androgynous stereotypical non-binary people..
But this website is great!! It's completely accepting of non-binary people and very non-judgemental.  I hope you can feel comfortable here to explore yourself.

 

People thought I was a guy a fair bit in primary school too and it made me upset to different degrees at different times. I understand what you mean about it making you feel like a failure of a girl. Looking back, I think another reason it upset me was because it meant I wasn't really welcome anywhere. ? I wasn't ALLOWED in the boys bathroom and the boys didnt accept me fully but I got looked at funny and questioned when I went to the girls bathroom. At the time I didnt even know why it upset me...I guess just not being accepted. 

 

Based on what you've written I think I also feel similarly about transitioning (with hormones and surgery) and dysphoria stuff. My point is, you're not alone and this is a great place to slowly explore your feelings. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about anything.

 

I hope you like it here,

 

Alex  

[VickySGV]

I am a member of a Chorus here in the L.A. area that calls itself a Trans chorus even though 3/5'ths of the group of 35 of us is N/B. but our music is pretty awesome and we see each other as humans, family members,  friends, teammates, and other good ordinary labels, and we honor how the other person sees themself at any given time, and personal appearances shift around from time to time, but we know each other as what I said above and it is fun and not scary.  One of our favorite Theme Songs has the line "be who you are, learn how to give, its not about who you love, but how you live".  I am one of the 14 that hits closer to being binary, (in my case female), and my job with the group is audio tech and prop maker although I do sing some numbers with them on rare occasions. If by chance one of our members refers to another as "weird", it is usually in regard to a sense of humor or taste in music, but never about gender presentation. 
 

If you are N/B and are many different things, you are a good wonderful person any way.  A person I know who comes across as male without F2M HRT now has a 6 month old baby and this was dreamed for and planned for and the "mom" side is embraced as well as the more masculine career they still carry on with their spouse.  

There is a book by Jeffrey Marsh, who identifies as Queer, and who is an online entertainment executive with a lot of stuff they have produced called how to be you   that is a personal diary/journal/workbook that will focus you on discovering who you really are.

[Kirsten]

Hey Ru, 

if there is one thing I have learned since starting my transition it’s that there are no rules. You don’t have to know what you want. You don’t have to do certain things, or act a certain way. It doesn’t matter what other people think. And you can become who and whatever you want to become. All you need to do is be happy with yourself. Everything else works itself out eventually. 

I have no mental health issues. No subastance abuse issues. I had some physical abuse in my past but it doesn’t define me. I am mtf but I’m more male in my hobbies and interests. You don’t need to be a certain way. Or live up to a stereotype. All you have to do is be happy with the person you are. Do that and everything else will work itself out. 

❤️Kirsten 

[Cass Kasinski]

Hi Ru!

I don't really have much advise to give you, as I'm struggling, too. But that's exactly what I'm here to say: I have reaally similar questions and I would love you to know that you are not alone. Stay safe, and please notify us if you have any updates about your gender!!

[Jani]

Hello Ru, 

On 7/11/2018 at 2:26 PM, Ru said:

I kind of want to transition in testosterone and get top surgery but I'm still so unsure. Do I have to want male genitalia to be a trans man? Do I have to be comfortable with presenting and acting hyper-masculine in order to be a boy?

No, No, No.  As Kirsten just said, there are no rules.  Well except to do what makes you happy.  Look around and you see all kinds of people hyper-masculine or feminine, androgynous, or middle of the road.  You can live as you wish, even moving back and forth.  I love to get all dressed up but I also like to play with cars and build things so I can certainly dress andro when I want or need to.  

 

I don't know if a lot of TG folks have mental issues although depression of varying degrees is common.   After I went on estrogen this has really lifted for me and my spirits have never been better.  It was living my old life that got me down.  

 

Welcome to the forum and I hope to see you around.  There are a lot of good people and resources here.

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

Neither Gender Dysphoria or being N/B are mental illnesses in and of themselves.

 

Our mental health issues come from outside ourselves.  Recent valid health studies have shown that when Trans and N/B people are accepted and shown love by friends and family as they are authentically that they have stress and depression problems only as much, or a little less than Cis people. 

 

You have either been fortunate with your family or they are deep in the dark about you.  When you do come out you may get some resistance and if you read other posts here you can get an example of what has  happened and how it was resolved.