Why I'm scared of being androgyne/non-binary (If that's what I trully am)
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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
It was hot that August day, even in Hall J. Hall J was a freshman dormitory, and Odie had just unpacked his stuff. He sat on the edge of his bed. He had made it. He was here, five hundred miles away from home. His two roommates had not arrived, and he knew no one. His whole life lay ahead of him, and he thought of the coming semester with excitement and dread. No one knew him. No one. Suddenly he was seized with a desire to live out the rest of his life as a woman. With that, he realized that he had felt that way for a long time. He had never laughed when guys made jokes about women, and often he felt shut out of certain conversations. He was neither effeminate nor athletic, and he had graduated just fine, neither too high in his class to be considered a nerd or low enough to not get into this college, which was more selective than many. He was a regular guy. He had dated some, he liked girls and they liked him. He had friends, neither fewer than most nor more than most. Drama club in high school: he had so wanted to try out for female parts but something held him back. He remembered things from earlier in his life: this had been there, although he had suppressed it. Mom had caught him carrying his sister's clothes to his room when he was eight, shortly before the divorce, and he got thoroughly scolded. They also made sure it never, ever happened again. He had always felt like that had contributed somehow to the divorce, but it was not discussed, either. He was a boy and that was the end of it. Dad was part of that. He got Odie every other weekend from the time of the divorce and they went hunting, fishing, boating, doing manly things because Dad thought he should be a man's man. The first thing that always happened was the buzz cut. Dad was always somewhat disappointed in Odie, it seemed, but never said why. He was a hard man and he had contempt for sissies, although that was never directed at Odie. Mom always said she loved him no matter what, but never explained what that meant. Odie looked through the Freshman Orientation Packed. Campus map. Letter from the Chancellor welcoming him. Same from the Dean. List of resources: health center, suicide prevention, and his heart skipped a beat: transgender support. There was something like that here? He tore off a small piece of paper. With sweating hands he wrote on it "I need to be a girl." He looked at it, tore it up and put the different pieces in different trash cans, even one in a men's room toilet the men on this floor shared. He flushed it and made sure it went down. No one had seen him; he was about the first to arrive. He returned to his room. He looked in the mirror. He was five-ten, square jawed, crew cut. Dad had seen to it that he exercised and he had muscles. No, he said to himself, not possible. Not likely. He had to study and he had succeeded so far by pushing this sort of thing into the back of his mind or wherever it came from. A man was looking back at him, the hard, tough man Dad had formed him to be, and there was absolutely nothing feminine about any of it. With that, Odie rejected all this stuff about being trans. There had been a few of those in high school, and he had always steered clear of them. A few minutes later he met his roommates. -
By EasyE · Posted
yes, i agree with this ... i guess my biggest frustrations with all this are: 1) our country's insistence to legislate everything with regards to morals ... 2) the inability to have a good, thorough, honest conversation which wrestles with the nuances of these very complex issues without it denigrating to name-calling or identity politics. agreed again... i still have a lot to learn myself ... -
By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
It's been bugging me that the sneakers I have been wearing are 1) men's and 2) I need canvas, because summer is coming. WM has a blue tax on shoes, don't you know? My protocol is to go when there is no one in the ladies' area because I get looks that I don't like, and have been approached with a 'can I help you sir' in a tone than means I need to explain myself, at which point i become inarticulate. But I found these canvas shoes. Looking at them, to see if they would pass as male, I realized they might not, and furthermore, I don't really care. -
By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
My wife's nurse was just here. It is a whole lot easier to relate to her as another woman than to negotiate m/f dynamics and feel like I have to watch myself as a male around her. It dropped a lot of the tension off, tension that I thought entirely internal to myself, but it made interactions a whole lot better. I read your post, so I thought I would go look. In the mirror I did not see a woman; instead I saw all these male features. In the past that has been enough for me to flip and say 'this is all stupid ridiculous why do I do this I am never going to do this again I am going to the basement RIGHT NOW to get men's stuff and I feel like purging'. Instead I smiled, shrugged my shoulders and came back here. Panties fit, women's jeans fit. My T shirt says DAD on it, something I do not want to give up, but a woman might crazily steal hubby's t-shirt and wear it. I steal my own clothes all the time. But she is here, this woman I liked it when I saw her yesterday. and her day will come. I hope to see her again. -
By April Marie · Posted
So many things become easier when you finally turn that corner and see "you" in the mirror. Shedding the guilt, the fear, the questioning becomes possible - as does self-love - when that person looking back at you, irrespective of what you're wearing, is the real you. I am so happy for you!! Enjoy the journey and where it leads you. -
By MaeBe · Posted
I'm sure even the most transphobic parents would, too. What does it hurt if a child socializes outside of their family in a way that allows them to understand themselves better? I have encountered a handful of kids do the binary, non-binary, back to binary route and they got to learn about themselves. In the end, there may have been some social self-harm but kids are so darned accepting these days. And really, schools aren't policing pronouns, but the laws that are coming out are making them do so--and in turn requiring a report to a parent that may cause some form of harm to the child. If the kid wants to lie to, or keep secrets from, their parents about their gender expressions, what does it say about the parents? Perhaps a little socialization of their thoughts will give them the personal information to have those conversations with them? So when they do want to have that conversation they can do so with some self-awareness. This isn't a parent's rights issue, it's about forcing a "moral code" onto schools that they must now enforce--in a way that doesn't appreciably assist parents or provide benefit to children. So, a child that transitioned at 5 and now in middle/high school that is by all rights female must now go into a bathroom full of dudes? What about trans men, how will the be treated in the girl's restroom? I see a lot of fantasy predator fearmongering in this kind of comment. All a trans kid wants to do in a bathroom is to handle their bodily functions in peace. Ideally there would be no gendered restrooms or, at least, a valid option for people to choose a non-gendered restroom. However, where is the actual harm happening? A trans girl in a boy's room is going experience more harm than a girl being uncomfortable about a trans girl going into and out of a stall. How about we teach our children that trans people aren't predators who are trying to game the system to eek out some sexual deviancy via loophole? How about we treat gender in a way that doesn't enforce the idea that girls are prey and boys are predators? How about we teach them trans kids are just kids who want to get on with their day like everyone else? -
By Adrianna Danielle · Posted
I hope so and glad he loves and accepts me for who I am -
By EasyE · Posted
It is sad that we can't have more open and honest dialogue on these types of topics because there is worthy debate for sure. But instead we have become a country where the only goal is to seize political power and then legislate our particular agenda and views of morality. Remember as you read my thoughts below, that I am transgender. OK? I am pro-trans. I am trans. But my middle school aged daughter would be extremely uncomfortable using a school bathroom also used by a biological male, as would nearly all of her friends. That side has to be considered. It's not invalidating to a trans youth's experience to take that into account and hash out what is for the common good of as many people as possible. This is reality - one person's gender expression makes others uncomfortable, in all directions. And there is disagreement on the best way to handle these types of things. Why can't we talk about these things openly, without the inevitable name-calling that follows, and let all sides have their input and work up suitable solutions? (I bet the kids, if left alone, would work up the best solutions)... Instead, we go straight to trying to pass laws, as if we need more of those! And why wouldn't we want parents to know if their child has decided to change their pronouns? That's a big deal and parents are right to raise that as a concern. I certainly would want to know. Not that we need to legislate this, but I would have a hard time with school administrators who try to hide this from me. They are out of line. This is my child. Whether you like my viewpoints or not, I am the parent. Not the school. Again, I am pro-trans. I am trans. At the same point, I recognize that validating a transgender individual's gender identity doesn't trump everything else in society. And sometimes I see that creeping into these discussions. Plus, we fight a losing battle if we have to have others' validation. We are never going to get it from everybody. Ever. Not even Jesus got it and He is God himself! This country can be very beautiful as we each exercise our freedom to be who we are and let others do the same. But my freedom ends where yours begins and vice-versa. That requires self-sacrifice. Sometimes we have to fall back out of respect for others. Sometimes we have to let the parent be the parent even if we disagree with their politics. My cry in the wilderness is just can we please have more open, honest dialogue where both sides try take the other's views into consideration and quit automatically going the legislative route to criminalize the other side's viewpoints. Sorry for the rant but sometimes all of this wears me out... deep sigh... -
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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
Yesterday when I put that shirt on I saw a woman looking back out of the mirror at me. Usually I have looked and been very frustrated because I see a man where there should be a woman. I was expecting to see a man wearing a woman's shirt, but it was a woman wearing a woman's shirt. On the spectrum between intersex and trans, I am more thinking I am a lot more intersex than trans, and it is only a matter of time before my wife says "you need a bra" and then "you look like a woman!" She told me whatever I want to do is fine with her, she loves me no matter what, and I am thinking that there may be a lot more for her in this than she could possibly expect. I'm not pushing it with her. -
By Petra Jane · Posted
We have been asked to post this study. I'm an undergraduate university student in my third year completing a BSc in Anthropology. I'm working on my dissertation, looking at languages with grammatical gender (e.g. languages like Italian and Spanish, nouns are either masculine or feminine). I'm curious if this affects/bothers people with gender identities outside the typical binary of male and female, like non-binary or transgender identities. Using this forum, I would be very grateful if anyone could answer the 5 questions I have put together in a Google form, they are open-ended questions, and you can be as brief or detailed as you want/comfortable with! All responses will also be kept anonymous. As you can probably guess, I came to online forums because finding participants in person is difficult. Talking about gender identities, I understand, can be very personal, so this online anonymised format can be safer. :) If anyone is also particularly interested in this topic, it would be awesome to message one-on-one and do the Google form survey. Having one and one interviews would also be good research! But NONE of this is compulsory, and only if anyone is interested and doesn't mind helping me out and can do so. Institution Supervising Research Study University of Kent Web Address for Study Participation https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdS9zU_dt3RR1V8-3s_0EnDl6w-jsS6-WOZO41uWeqUP0q_YQ/viewform?usp=sf_link -
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By Ashley0616 · Posted
@Mia MarieI found this Here are critical resources to help transgender seniors face the challenges of growing older - LGBTQ Nation As far as financial aid I came up empty. :( I'm sorry. I can only imagine what you are going through.
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