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A closet TG longing to come out


Jennifer75

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Hello!

it is great to have places like this forum to turn to.

My little background:

I’m married, we don’t have any children due to the fact that I don’t function sexually as a man. The problem isn’t the physical part but the mental part.

I don’t get aroused sexually as a man. I get aroused when imagining that I’m a woman.

I’m not gay, I don’t like men. I think of myself as a lesbian woman. These things has been in my mind for a long time.

 

I have had a lot of depressions. So bad that I stayed in bed for months, no energy at all.

It comes to this that I feel like I’m a woman in a mans body.

Recently I started to pump my nipples with those sex toys for women that are around. In a way that simple nipple pumping gives me relief for 

a short while as I imagine that my breasts are more female like.

 

I’m a bit over 40. I feel like I don’t want to live the other half of my life as a man. Life is too short. 

I recently took contact with a Trans organization in my country. Secretly. I’m still in the closet.

 

i turned to this forum too because I want help. I’m afraid of the transitioning because of my near and dear people. But not afraid of 

transitioning for myself as that would be my ultimate relief.

 

Please help me to become Anna instead of Tom. Every word would help to encourage me to take the steps I need to take.

 

I’d love to be Anna fully and not only in my closet mind.

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I don't know much so I cant offer knowledge but I con give you moral support!
I'm also still in the closet though i'm quite a bit younger (I'm only 21)
I can't imagine living for as long as you did without transitioning, I only resized I'm trans a few weeks ago and it's already driving me crazy!
I hope you can find yourself happy with your body soon, I haven't been here for long but I can already tell the people here are supper sweet ^_^

Professional moral support.
~Abby

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23 minutes ago, Abigail3051 said:

I don't know much so I cant offer knowledge but I con give you moral support!
I'm also still in the closet though i'm quite a bit younger (I'm only 21)
I can't imagine living for as long as you did without transitioning, I only resized I'm trans a few weeks ago and it's already driving me crazy!
I hope you can find yourself happy with your body soon, I haven't been here for long but I can already tell the people here are supper sweet ^_^

Professional moral support.
~Abby

It is not an easy journey. I think that you have to be true to yourself and others. As a man I cannot satisfy my wife. I don’t know if she will accept me as a woman. She need to be lesbian then,  I don’t know if she will accept that. A divorce is probably the way it goes. But we haven’t had sexual intercourse like forever as I don’t function at all as a man sexually. That is probably one of the big signs that my gender identity is wrong as a man. 

My reaction to women when I see female body forms is envy - I wish I looked like that is my spontaneous thought. 

It is off course not only the physical body that interests me. All my life I have been super sensitive in a feminine way. I don’t mix well with masculine men. I cry at movies etc.

I just wish I had the female body already to back up my inner self.

I cannot wait much longer. Need to find courage to tell my wife and others around me. So the transitioning can begin.

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By the way. How do you choose your true gender names?

 

I myself feel like an Anna inside :) 

i always liked the name Anna, simple and feminine.

Anna will surely be my new legal name when it comes to that time.

Now Anna is my inner name, my true name :) 

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I didn't really choose the name Abigail as my female name at first. It was a name that I was always drawn too it I didn't know how but I knew that name needed to me in my life.

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Hi Anna! Though I can't offer you much advice, I can try to throw in what I can. Everybody here completely understands how debilitating and depressing dysphoria can be. We've all been there. I would suggest that your first step should be to speak with a gender therapist. To find somebody who is professional and non biased to talk to, and help me understand what I was feeling, was probably the best decision I have ever made. If you don't have a therapist close by to talk to, don't worry. My therapist lives on the other side of the country. We have our sessions via Skype. I hope this helps!

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9 minutes ago, Rowan said:

Hi Anna! Though I can't offer you much advice, I can try to throw in what I can. Everybody here completely understands how debilitating and depressing dysphoria can be. We've all been there. I would suggest that your first step should be to speak with a gender therapist. To find somebody who is professional and non biased to talk to, and help me understand what I was feeling, was probably the best decision I have ever made. If you don't have a therapist close by to talk to, don't worry. My therapist lives on the other side of the country. We have our sessions via Skype. I hope this helps!

Wow! It is so warming when somebody calls me Anna :) I’m blushing a little.

Thanks for your kind words! I’ve made first connect with an Transgender orginization in my country.

I feel like I can get a lot of help from there. But many are on their holidays right now, so it has to wait until August. There is no way for me to keep hiding a lot longer now. It hurts me, my wife. Even if the truth comes out it will be better. Healing can hopefully come after me coming out. 

/Anna

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Hi Anna! I don't have much to say except that aside from the being married part, your story sound identical to mine. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. ?

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  • Forum Moderator

Greetings Anna!   Welcome to the forum.  Thats good that you've reached out to the transgender organization there in Finland.   I hope you can connect with a gender therapist as it seems we all need a bit of assistance on this journey.   If there  is a lack of supply locally possibly Rowan's idea of video counseling would work for you.  We're not all lucky enough to live near the resources we need, but in todays digital world that shouldn't hold us back.   Eventually your wife needs to know about this but I would imagine she may have some idea all ready.  Talking with a therapist will help prepare for this conversation.  I know my counselor helped me.  

 

I'm glad you've joined us and I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

 

Jani

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Welcome Anna! As for choosing a name, you answered your own question. If the name you choose is right, you will know it. It seems to me that you have already felt that Anna fits, so go with it. I went through a number of names before I realised that Brandi fit. For my middle name, I probably went through a list of names a couple times before Brianna just hit me between the eyes. Brandi Brianna! Wow, that was the way I chose my name. I agree that hearing or seeing your name for the first time is exciting.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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Thanks everyone! This forum is a very warm forum, good for us transgender people and everyone not biased.

Just came to my city center, all these beautiful women all around makes me feel envy. 

The female body shape whichever form it takes is surely beautiful! The longing strengthens.

/Anna

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Anna,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Anna.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Welcome Anna!! Happy to have you aboard!

 

It's been said, but going to see a therapist or counselor would be a good next step. It's the point I'm at as well; I'm also in the closet so you're in good company! I resonated with alot of what you said so I'm hoping everything works out for you; cant wait to hear more of your journey. I hope you enjoy it here!!

 

~Mayumi~

 

 

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3 hours ago, Lady Ayu said:

Welcome Anna!! Happy to have you aboard!

 

It's been said, but going to see a therapist or counselor would be a good next step. It's the point I'm at as well; I'm also in the closet so you're in good company! I resonated with alot of what you said so I'm hoping everything works out for you; cant wait to hear more of your journey. I hope you enjoy it here!!

 

~Mayumi~

 

 

Nicke to be on board!

 

For me it has come to this point now that I cannot wait any longer for treatments. I think now that it is fair to my wife and myself to be true. She is allowed to leave me if she wants to, I hope that she stays. I am after all a lesbian woman in my heart and I love my wife. I just cannot be a man for her, a woman I can be. 

I just wrote to the Transgender center in Finland another mail. Asking for help with the people I need to be in contact with. Hopefully my treatments could start as soon as possible. I know that evaluations etc needs to be made. I hope that it could go smooth though.

Why cannot life be easier for us Transgendered people?

 

I am happy that the first steps are made though; the proclamation that has been lingering long in my heart - it has turned louder... I AM A WOMAN! Everytime I say this aloud in writing or speak it I rejoice! I AM A WOMAN!

 

The journey begins in the heart. Then hopefully the body comes after.

 

Anna, a woman :)

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Anna, I love the sound of that sentence "I am a woman" as well. Just want to welcome you to our forums, and let you know that marriages do and can survive a MTF transition, while every situation is unique, with lot's of love, communications, going slow (very important) and taking the time to really listen/empathize with our partners things can be worked out. Wishing you happiness in life, fixing gender issues is not an easy task, this forum exists to share the challenges and successes we all have.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

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Just now, Anna75 said:

Nicke to be on board!

 

For me it has come to this point now that I cannot wait any longer for treatments. I think now that it is fair to my wife and myself to be true. She is allowed to leave me if she wants to, I hope that she stays. I am after all a lesbian woman in my heart and I love my wife. I just cannot be a man for her, a woman I can be. 

I just wrote to the Transgender center in Finland another mail. Asking for help with the people I need to be in contact with. Hopefully my treatments could start as soon as possible. I know that evaluations etc needs to be made. I hope that it could go smooth though.

Why cannot life be easier for us Transgendered people?

 

I am happy that the first steps are made though; the proclamation that has been lingering long in my heart - it has turned louder... I AM A WOMAN! Everytime I say this aloud in writing or speak it I rejoice! I AM A WOMAN!

 

The journey begins in the heart. Then hopefully the body comes after.

 

Anna, a woman :)

I meant Nice to be on board... iPad spelling!

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Just now, CyndiRae said:

Hi Anna, I love the sound of that sentence "I am a woman" as well. Just want to welcome you to our forums, and let you know that marriages do and can survive a MTF transition, while every situation is unique, with lot's of love, communications, going slow (very important) and taking the time to really listen/empathize with our partners things can be worked out. Wishing you happiness in life, fixing gender issues is not an easy task, this forum exists to share the challenges and successes we all have.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

Thanks Cyndi! Love to be here. I hope for the best.

 

Many hugs back,

 

Anna

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Another post again, I’m just like a blogger girl lol.

It feels really great to be hear with you all in this great community we have.

I’m crying of happiness! I have always been very emotional so to read what you all are writing makes me cry. 

 

Anna 

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  • Root Admin

Hello Anna,

 

I'd like to wish you a belated welcome to TransPulse. :)

 

MaryEllen

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Hey Anna, 

congratulations on starting to become the true you!! It’s the best thing any person can do. Like everyone says, therapy is great. It’s a great help to talk things out with someone who is non judgemental. 

Telling people can be a very difficult task. But it is a necessary one. I’d recommend trying to figure out how to tell your wife soon. No matter the outcome of any of the steps you’ll have to take in your journey, they are all necessary and they all bring you closer to the true you. 

I wish you the best in this awesome journey to womanhood you are about to take. We are all here for support and advice. 

❤️Kirsten 

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