Lost

[Kris]

Although it has been over a week, I have been soul searching and trying to figure out what to do. I have not come out to family because I am lost on what to say, and how to say it. It started out, as most, at a very young age. I was born a female. I only liked to play with boys, although I did play with one or two girls, my BEST friends were boys. I refused to play with anything that was girly. I played football, with hot wheels, soldier, etc. My parents and I also rode motorcycles, which was awesome as a true tomboy, which is what people like myself were considered back in the day. I always would think to myself, why couldn't I have been born a boy. But again, back in the day (70's) i don't recall hearing anything about gays or lesbians, and certainly not transgender. As I grew up, my parent would get mad at me and tell me how disappointed they were because all I wanted to wear was jeans and a t-shirt. I was so pissed because my mom made me wear a dress and heals the first day of high school. I was so miserable. My mom did ask me one time if I was gay. I told her no but did not tell her my real issue, for two reasons, I didn't want to disappoint my parents and I did not know that transgender was an option. So again, I tried to conform to society as best as possible. I got married and had two wonderful children. They are the only good that came out of the marriage and life of hell. I got a divorce. Now my kids are grown and on their own. I have been battling with wanting to transition but afraid of losing my job. I drive a school bus for a public school district and love my job. But then, as I look at my chest, I hate them. They are huge. I do now feel my mom would understand but still scared to disappoint her as we are very close now. We lost her husband/my dad to cancer 18 yrs. ago on 21st of this month. My divorce was the following year. My mom and I and my kids packed up and moved and sold our houses. Now it's just mom and I as I said my kids are on their own. I would love and appreciate any suggestions. Thanks, Kris

[ChickenLittle]

Hi Kris,

 

Welcome to TransPulse! Coming out is so scary. I can relate to a lot of your story. I think different things work for different people, but I found that for me, coming out by writing a letter or email was easiest for me. I came out to my mom in person and she was very kind and supportive but she was kind of blindsided by it and didn't know what to say. The rest of the day was very awkward and I think she would have benefited from having some time alone to process things or talk to a friend about it. In the following weeks I think she went through a sort of grieving process and she had a lot of questions and concerns. But ultimately once she saw how happy I am now, she's become one of my biggest supporters and even helped take care of me after top surgery. I hope you get positive reactions from your family. No matter what happens, this is a great place to talk to people. I've found that everybody here is so kind and they know what it's like, which helps. 

 

Good luck!

Kendall

[RikkiWilson]

I just wanna say you can get top surgery before HRT. It is possible and there are many reasons to give strangers as to why you had them removed if you're too worried about coming out right away. 

[Jani]

Hello Kris and welcome to TransPulse!  I'm sorry to hear your story but it appears you are looking forward to a change.  At this time you might consider top surgery if it is in your budget, since it would most likely make you feel better about yourself.  As to your mom, it sounds like you live together?  After all these years she may very well have some idea if you do have a talk with her.  I wish you well.  Please stay in touch and join in the conversation whenever you want.  We'd love to hear more from you.

 

Jani

[Wolfbane]

It sounds like you have already taken the first steps in processing this, Kris.  Maybe you could remind your mom about the time she asked you if you were gay as a lead in to the conversation.  That would empower her as well in acknowledging that she was astute enough to sense that in you even if she didn't know what it was at that time.  I can imagine how difficult this time is for you, but I would agree that it is time to start the process if you are ready.  Talking to your mom can be that first step.  As for the job, only you can know the job situation.  Does your state or town have LGBT legal protections for job security?  If not, there is the real possibility you could lose your job.  School districts can be supportive, but some can be harsh.  It depends on the area in which you live.  I didn't have my intersex condition fixed to become entirely male until after retirement because of this issue, but if I had it to do over again, I think I would give up the career for my sense of well-being.  If loss of the job became a reality, is there another back-up plan that you would enjoy doing - driving a city bus or daycare bus or something totally different?  If it looks like you would need to give up your job, plan ahead and get a good reference letter BEFORE you leave. You know your heart best, so you will make the right decision no matter what.  I know everyone here wishes you the best and will be a great support for you along the way.

[JJ]

One thing that I have noted over the years is that whatever a parent or partner's initial response it will change in time. For many it is a shock and they want to deny it and/or get angry because it frightens them. Give her time to process if the reaction is not completely positive at first. In this instance sometimes we have to almost switch roles and become the calm and rational one. We have to give people time to react and then to adjust. We live this and it can be hard for us to understand - for someone who doesn't feel it and feels threatened with the loss of the iimage they had of their child and that child's future it can be incredibly hard. Act in love. And remember no matter what they are acting in love too. Maybe with acceptance , maybe not ,but still with love. That doesn't mean you have to give up or give in,but it does mean keeping focused on the love and not the fear or frustration.

As far as male acceptance on the job - in my observation body ;language is actually the biggest difference between males and females. Males are not unemotional or less responsive. It came as a shock just how much males communicate with one another that I had not recognized even as a trained social worker.

It's all primarily non verbal. Watch meet meet each other as they was through a store - there are different ways they hold their heads and their shoulders depending on who they are approaching . If it's someone they accept or approve they will give a half nod. If not they'll square their shoulders. They almost always make brief eye contact - except the men's room and never there.

Men are trained from infancy to own their space whether they feel that way or not. To take up space. To look confidant no matter how they feel.

It was actually so freeing and comfortable when I started letting myself just be the guy I am. And at times also restricting as I found I just couldn't say something I would have before. That is mostly with women. What was okay before is NOT now. I can't tell some woman I like her hair or necklace or anything unless I know her very well. Not verbally anyway. You can glace at something you like ad smile and it is read.

I started getting read as male almost 100% 8 months into T. But as a gay guy. So many gay guys actually flirted pretty openly. Gradually as my mannerisms and body language shed the decades of female socialization it happened less and less till now I get the same wary looks other straight men get from gay men in this part of the country and have for years. 

This all takes time and a lot of patience and it is worth it, but one day you realize you are just another guy living your life as you see fit. And nobody else sees a,anything else either.

[Kris]

On 7/18/2018 at 4:54 PM, ChickenLittle said:

Hi Kris,

 

Welcome to TransPulse! Coming out is so scary. I can relate to a lot of your story. I think different things work for different people, but I found that for me, coming out by writing a letter or email was easiest for me. I came out to my mom in person and she was very kind and supportive but she was kind of blindsided by it and didn't know what to say. The rest of the day was very awkward and I think she would have benefited from having some time alone to process things or talk to a friend about it. In the following weeks I think she went through a sort of grieving process and she had a lot of questions and concerns. But ultimately once she saw how happy I am now, she's become one of my biggest supporters and even helped take care of me after top surgery. I hope you get positive reactions from your family. No matter what happens, this is a great place to talk to people. I've found that everybody here is so kind and they know what it's like, which helps. 

 

Good luck!

Kendall

Thank you so much!!! So, I told mom and it went better than I thought. She completely understands about the chest area but still not too happy about the rest. She doesn't want to lose her little girl, and although I understand her feelings, I don't and never have felt like that little girl. She, and my daughter has asked me to take it one step at a time. My daughter actually took it a LOT better than I thought. I just need to tell my son. I am waiting for him to come back from Indiana so I can tell him in person. I have also been able to find a counselor. I have an appt. tomorrow.

 

Thanks 

Kris

[Kris]

On 7/18/2018 at 5:54 PM, RikkiWilson said:

I just wanna say you can get top surgery before HRT. It is possible and there are many reasons to give strangers as to why you had them removed if you're too worried about coming out right away. 

Thank you!!! Yes,  that is what I definitely plan to do. They are big (grapefruitish) so I would look really funny as a man with boobs, lol. I appreciate your help.

Thanks

Kris

[Kris]

On 7/18/2018 at 7:02 PM, Jani said:

Hello Kris and welcome to TransPulse!  I'm sorry to hear your story but it appears you are looking forward to a change.  At this time you might consider top surgery if it is in your budget, since it would most likely make you feel better about yourself.  As to your mom, it sounds like you live together?  After all these years she may very well have some idea if you do have a talk with her.  I wish you well.  Please stay in touch and join in the conversation whenever you want.  We'd love to hear more from you.

 

Jani

Thank you for your help!!! She actually took it better than expected but does not want to lose her little girl. How do I get her to understand that I am not and never will be THAT little girl she thought she had. Maybe the counselor I am going to see tomorrow can help. My daughter actually took it better than expected, but am waiting to tell my son. He is in Indiana and so I am waiting for him to come back end of this month so I can tell him in person. 

Thanks

Kris

[Kris]

On 7/23/2018 at 7:58 PM, Wolfbane said:

It sounds like you have already taken the first steps in processing this, Kris.  Maybe you could remind your mom about the time she asked you if you were gay as a lead in to the conversation.  That would empower her as well in acknowledging that she was astute enough to sense that in you even if she didn't know what it was at that time.  I can imagine how difficult this time is for you, but I would agree that it is time to start the process if you are ready.  Talking to your mom can be that first step.  As for the job, only you can know the job situation.  Does your state or town have LGBT legal protections for job security?  If not, there is the real possibility you could lose your job.  School districts can be supportive, but some can be harsh.  It depends on the area in which you live.  I didn't have my intersex condition fixed to become entirely male until after retirement because of this issue, but if I had it to do over again, I think I would give up the career for my sense of well-being.  If loss of the job became a reality, is there another back-up plan that you would enjoy doing - driving a city bus or daycare bus or something totally different?  If it looks like you would need to give up your job, plan ahead and get a good reference letter BEFORE you leave. You know your heart best, so you will make the right decision no matter what.  I know everyone here wishes you the best and will be a great support for you along the way.

Thank you so much for your suggestions!!! She took it better than expected. She is very understanding about getting rid of my boobs but not excited about the rest. She does not want to lose her little "girl". The thing is, I never felt like that little girl but do not know how to help her understand that. Maybe the counselor can help with that. I have first appt. tomorrow. My daughter took the news better than I thought. Mom and daughter are very supportive and have asked me to take it a step at a time. I agreed but still looking forward to taking T after top surgery. Still need to tell my son when he gets back from Indiana, in person of course.

Thanks

Kris

[Kris]

On 7/24/2018 at 4:11 PM, JJ said:

One thing that I have noted over the years is that whatever a parent or partner's initial response it will change in time. For many it is a shock and they want to deny it and/or get angry because it frightens them. Give her time to process if the reaction is not completely positive at first. In this instance sometimes we have to almost switch roles and become the calm and rational one. We have to give people time to react and then to adjust. We live this and it can be hard for us to understand - for someone who doesn't feel it and feels threatened with the loss of the iimage they had of their child and that child's future it can be incredibly hard. Act in love. And remember no matter what they are acting in love too. Maybe with acceptance , maybe not ,but still with love. That doesn't mean you have to give up or give in,but it does mean keeping focused on the love and not the fear or frustration.

As far as male acceptance on the job - in my observation body ;language is actually the biggest difference between males and females. Males are not unemotional or less responsive. It came as a shock just how much males communicate with one another that I had not recognized even as a trained social worker.

It's all primarily non verbal. Watch meet meet each other as they was through a store - there are different ways they hold their heads and their shoulders depending on who they are approaching . If it's someone they accept or approve they will give a half nod. If not they'll square their shoulders. They almost always make brief eye contact - except the men's room and never there.

Men are trained from infancy to own their space whether they feel that way or not. To take up space. To look confidant no matter how they feel.

It was actually so freeing and comfortable when I started letting myself just be the guy I am. And at times also restricting as I found I just couldn't say something I would have before. That is mostly with women. What was okay before is NOT now. I can't tell some woman I like her hair or necklace or anything unless I know her very well. Not verbally anyway. You can glace at something you like ad smile and it is read.

I started getting read as male almost 100% 8 months into T. But as a gay guy. So many gay guys actually flirted pretty openly. Gradually as my mannerisms and body language shed the decades of female socialization it happened less and less till now I get the same wary looks other straight men get from gay men in this part of the country and have for years. 

This all takes time and a lot of patience and it is worth it, but one day you realize you are just another guy living your life as you see fit. And nobody else sees a,anything else either.

Thank you so much!!! I was really excited to hear back from you as someone closer to my age coming out. I am 51. Although my mom took the news better than I thought she would, she does not want to lose her little "girl". The thing is, I never felt like the little girl  I was born as. My daughter also took the news better than expected. They are both being supportive but both have asked me to take it one step at a time. I am waiting for my son to get back home so I can tell him in person. As for my job, I am waiting for the right time to tell them. My boss IS very supportive and I think it will go well with most, but we will see. Although I hope I can continue working there, I have been considering where I can drive for if not.

Thank you

Kris