Dysphoria after coming out full time

[Lauryn Michelle]

I came out full time in mid-february. The most painful part of my dysphoria was relieved, and seemingly remained so up until recently. I am a little bewildered by the return of chest discomfort that was previously relieved by expressing and identifying as feminine. It isn't as bad as it was when I was still dressing up as male, bit to a good degree the discomfort has returned. Has anybody else had a similar experience? Am I alone here in some misguided venture, or is this common for us. Some friends believe having done a family reunion may have caused this discomfort to resurface. My hope is that it subsides now that another "coming out" event has passed. then there is always my diet, I love hot sauce and coffee. I need community, so hopefully this helps with that. I need to know what it is like for us, I need to relate and feel I am a part of. Thank you for reading

 

Regards

 

 

Lauryn Michelle 

Edited July 19, 2018 by CyndiRae
fixed typo

[Charlize]

Lauryn,

There are certainly times when i feel dysphoria despite living on HRT and being full time for years.  Even the surgery i've been able to have hasn't created an immunity to a kind of malaise.  It hits on occasion.  I am still a trans female.  "Simply" transitioning hasn't made me a cis female.  I have to accept who i am.  My childhood dream was a dream but i'm happy to be living as close to it as i could.  I can let my feelings get me down or rejoice in who i am.  I'm learning to love myself as i am.  It could be that will take a lifetime.  

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Raven1981]

Hello Lauryn Michelle 

 

I can say the same thing that my dysphoria comes and goes.  I have only recently come out in January 2018 and that is when I also started on HRT.  I can say that it was such and relief to finally come out and be myself and not have to be on guard all the time and afraid that people will find out.  Before coming out, I have kept it a secret for decades and it just ended up eating at me so much that when I came out, it was like a big explosion.  But now that I am out, I do have dysphoria coming and going.  Espically when I go into work, I am going to work still as male and that is when it hurts.  But it is alot easier now that I am out.  But yes it will come and go and sure that all of us experience the same thing.

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[DenimAndLace]

Well said @Charlize and it's the same for me!  I can never be exactly what I always hoped for - I'll never have the complete female experience that a cis female would have.  I can only have MY life experience, like-it-or-not, so I try daily and sometimes with a lot of effort, to enjoy "me".  Some days are easier than others but on the down days, I have to be intentional about thinking on good things such as: I no longer fit into the male camp, I get to wear what I want, I know first-hand what it's like to be a minority and that makes me more empathetic to others.  I know what love is and I know what it is not.  I have friends who love me without a gigantic effort on my part to conform to their expectations.   The "bad" list is long also (desire for surgery for example) but I try not to let myself ponder that list for long.  The more you exercise the "muscle" of not thinking about those things, the stronger it gets.

[Jani]

Hot sauce and coffee, yes!  

 

Charlize and Cyndi are correct that living our dream as fully as possible is happiness.  Learning to accept our failings (whatever they may be) is like throwing off the chains that bind us to the past.  Always look forward.  

 

No all women have noticeable breasts.  Before my little ones developed I was self conscience but never wanted to wear enhancers as they felt not real.  Come to accept the body you have.

 

Hugs, Jani 

[Kirsten]

I feel like since starting hrt I have created more dysphoria. I am not full time either which adds to it for me. Things I have never minded are now on my radar 24/7. I am hoping that they subside as I move ahead in my journey. The few things I did find that I was dysphoric about previously are gone for the moment too. Seems to me things come in waves. Some days are better than others. I think it’s just important to be mindful of where I am going AND  where I started even more. 

Kirsten

[Maid In Bedlam]

Ive been on Hormones for best part of 2 years and full time for 4 years so I still have some catching up to do as far as some of the above are down the road. However I was lucky enough to have passing rights to coin a term. That doesnt mean I dont look in the mirror some mornings and still feel shall we say an OMG i can see a man. even with an Hormone inflated bust and better figure than i ever had before. It is one of those things that i dont know if we ever actually escape from completly. I still see old traits in my face etc.  I would like to think so but doubt I will. I belive its more how we  think the world percieves us than how it actually does. In my 4 years i dont think i have ever  had myself read. Which is quite surprising for me as im not the best looking girl in the world but at my age I just aint gonna be a model. So i try to reflect on that and say to myself. "Its only me that sees the testoterone poisoning" Then im off to work or whatever i have planned that day. Its difficult when you spent the best years of your life trying to be a fella. Always questioning your Gender and on the whole having a miserable time. It does get easier once you have made that desion to  be you as im sure over posters will reiterate.  It takes time to learn the ways of the woman. Observation is just half of it. You have to push ahead. We didnt get what we was entitled to at birth because of an evil twist of fate but i will be dammed if that twist of fate is going to stop me from living the best life i can. I said earlier I had passing rights so in reality were those Male traits ever there? I Just look and see the pre me and assume that was male. Like Pages in a book that have been ripped out. You dont know what the story was about but you just catch a glimpse  of what was. and always will if you want but is that really what you would like? I dont I, now have the best time i have ever had and being completly honest I wish i had done it 20 years ago. I guess everthing happens for a reason and perhaps the plan for me was a life in my wilderness before i found my true  oasis.

 

[Jani]

Thank you Maid in Bedlam.  This was a well written explanation. 

 

10 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

I believe its more how we think the world perceives us than how it actually does.

I believe this is true! 
 

Jani

[Lauryn Michelle]

great responses everybody! I have been off of this site for a 2nd. been on hrt for over a year, and getting consultations for surgeries. transition has been beautiful and painful. transitioning at work has been filled with terrible experiences, but I have gained strength. this journey is like tempering steel

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Lauryn, I've found that after 3 years full time, I still get bouts of dysphoria. But in terms of severeness they are definitely less in pain or length. Being post op helped me tremendously as well. It only gets really bad when it compounds itself with other life stresses, such as start my own business or if I feel ill.