Confused And In Need Of Guidance

[Natalie86]

Hi everyone, I am Natalie. I have felt like I was supposed to have been born female since I was 7 years old. I am now 32. I get these desires or urges to be female and during this times I feel both great happiness and sadness. The happiness comes from getting to be myself, the sadness from when I look in the mirror and realize I don't look how I feel. When I was younger this would come and go like seasons. I would want to be woman and then I wouldn't really care. Lately it has been happening more often and the feeling is stronger. It's like I have a feminine energy that flows and it feels so strong. I have been getting depressed because everytime I have to leave the house I must become male and it does not feel right. Right now I feel like there is a woman trapped deep inside me and she is screaming to come out and she will stop at nothing until she gets her way. I have a wonderful girlfriend who know about my feminine side and let's me be myself but I have never talked with her about wanting to transition. I also work in the public so I have to very careful here in the south. I just need some support and guidance. I feel so lost and I don't know where to turn or what to do.

                     ,Natalie

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Natalie,

 

Hello and welcome from the other side of the pond

 

You are among friends here. There are many here who have experienced similar things, and there are many posts with their experiences. Everyone's experiences and feelings are different, to some extent, but if you read around you will start to understand things and that you are not alone. Just take things steady and learn. This will give you the information and confidence to handle the things that you are realizing that you need to. Please don't hesitate to join in discussions and ask questions of things that you are not sure of. You will soon make friends. There will likely be people with more experience or insight as to helpful resources in your locality and the site does have information on some of this.

 

Tracy

 

[Natalie86]

Hi Tracy, 

 

               Thank you . I will be doing that. I admit I am a little shy at first but I warm up quickly.

 

 Natalie

[Jani]

Hello Natalie.  Welcome!  As Tracy notes, we all have similar stories that are just a little bit different.  It's certainly a unique journey.  As we frequently do I recommend seeking assistance from a gender therapist.  Even the most jaded among us admit this is a good step.  Please join it the conversation.

 

Jani 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Natalie,

Welcome to TransPulse. I,m glad you came!

 

Your story sounds so much like mine. When I first found these forums, it hurt to have to go out as that man. I hated it! But I live in the conservative backwater of Michigan, and my job also precludes my going as myself. I have not medically transitioned, so I still go to work as that man. But with my family I am living as myself, as Carla, and over time with the support of others, I have come to realise that I am Carla, no matter what clothes I'm wearing. I still strongly prefer wearing gender appropriate clothes (female), and hate the thought of being seen dressed as that man by family and friends. But it has gotten more bearable as I have gotten more comfortable in who I truly am.

 

What is in store for you, know one can really know. But being together in our community and not being alone anymore makes whatever our futures hold far easier to live!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Natalie86]

4 minutes ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Natalie,

Welcome to TransPulse. I,m glad you came!

 

Your story sounds so much like mine. When I first found these forums, it hurt to have to go out as that man. I hated it! But I live in the conservative backwater of Michigan, and my job also precludes my going as myself. I have not medically transitioned, so I still go to work as that man. But with my family I am living as myself, as Carla, and over time with the support of others, I have come to realise that I am Carla, no matter what clothes I'm wearing. I still strongly prefer wearing gender appropriate clothes (female), and hate the thought of being seen dressed as that man by family and friends. But it has gotten more bearable as I have gotten more comfortable in who I truly am.

 

What is in store for you, know one can really know. But being together in our community and not being alone anymore makes whatever our futures hold far easier to live!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

Thank you!

 

I think that is what bothers me the must about all of this I have felt so alone. I want to talk about my true self and I can't. 

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Natalie86 said:

I think that is what bothers me the most about all of this I have felt so alone. I want to talk about my true self and I can't. 

 

That's one reason why this forum exists.  You are among friends and can be yourself here.

 

Jani 

[Charlize]

Welcome Natalie.  You are certainly not alone.  We are blessed today to be able to be open and share with others who understand and are living a similar reality.

Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Natalie86]

7 hours ago, Jani said:

 

That's one reason why this forum exists.  You are among friends and can be yourself here.

 

Jani 

Hi Jani

 

      Thanks, the words " be yourself" mean so much to me. Thank you.

[Natalie86]

6 hours ago, Charlize said:

Welcome Natalie.  You are certainly not alone.  We are blessed today to be able to be open and share with others who understand and are living a similar reality.

Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Hi Charlize

 

 

I am glad I joined to. Thanks for the welcome. 

 

 

[Avra]

Welcome Natalie! I can totally relate to these feelings coming and going like the seasons. I've been passively crossdressing for years but only occasionally hit a period where I seriously look at my habits. Then it becomes too scary and I push it down again. When I first started feeling out of place I wasn't even aware of words like trans or cis. I just knew I liked to do things that were "bad" or taboo. Don't worry, you're among friends here, wherever your life takes you, we support you. ?

 

- Avra

[Natalie86]

1 hour ago, Avra said:

Welcome Natalie! I can totally relate to these feelings coming and going like the seasons. I've been passively crossdressing for years but only occasionally hit a period where I seriously look at my habits. Then it becomes too scary and I push it down again. When I first started feeling out of place I wasn't even aware of words like trans or cis. I just knew I liked to do things that were "bad" or taboo. Don't worry, you're among friends here, wherever your life takes you, we support you. ?

 

- Avra

Hi Avra

 

Thank you. I think just know that I am not alone is helping alot.

[ClosetCallie]

Oh I’m on your same road!!!

I'm 36, born a male but have known since at least 7 years old Im a female inside. Callie is my female name I felt fit me best.  Up until yesterday no one has ever known.  I'm still in the closet completely except for two good lesbian friends that I finally opened up to.  I have to say keeping this secret all these years I feel a little relief knowing that there is another human being I can finally talk to about it.  I think you have to do what you're comfortable doing and be strong.  I'm married to a woman and have 3 daughters... I am attracted to both men and women but not to my wife.  And my wife has no idea of my true self.   
It's sooo hard pushing this down to where you're not even you.  I don't know if I ever could come out about it.  I live in a conservative redneck area and gays are barely accepted let alone would me, a woman trapped in a biological man's body who is a lesbian.  If I had a different life and alot more money I would make the change in a heartbeat.  I hope your journey ends happily.  

[jae bear]

 Hi Natalie, 

It’s good to see you here being able to talk with the girls about a topic we all understand. While our stories are so similar they are all rather unique, and yes I hate going to work as that man as well.  One of the things I’ve realized is that jeans and T-shirts are nearly universal and pretty much the most comfortable things one can wear, and as a lesbian tomboy that’s my daily outfit, just throw me a flannel when it gets cooler and I’m ready to go to the softball game ! It took me a little bit to figure out what size things were, but I was rather successful finding some jeans that fit on eBay and some T-shirts that I very much like. I have worn them to work regularly, and no one is the wiser but then again I’m out at work so maybe they wouldn’t say anything anyway.  Another thing you can do is let your hair grow, and trust me if you decide to transition someday you’ll be glad you did. If you really feel adventurous any of the girls here will tell you that the sooner you start electrolysis the better,  so if you have the opportunity to do so treat yourself to some lovely electrocution on a weekly basis !  Ha ha ha !!  I was surprised to learn that electrolysis was covered by my insurance, and I only paid a $55 co-pay once a week which is within my budget, and growing your hair doesn’t cost a dime, in fact it’ll save you money on haircuts that you can spend on electrolysis .  I have no idea what size you are but if you wear jeans regularly maybe it would be a fun idea to see what fits. In regular men’s jeans I wore a 36 X 32, which for me translates to women’s size 14L,  it was a bit of a surprise at first but I realized there are low and mid rise jeans that don’t feel quite right once you are used to men’s jeans, but my favorite women’s jeans right now our Lee riders, a.k.a. mom jeans. Women’s T-shirts often have a bigger crewneck or a V-neck and slightly shorter sleeves, this feels a touch different at first but you get used to it and so far I haven’t had a single comment in all the time I’ve worn this publicly, and what would they say anyway? Another thing I love is playing with these two apps, hairstyle lite and airbrush, It’s really fun to digitally do your make up and change your hairstyle, I can’t wait for the day my hair is long enough and I’ve learned some makeup tips to pull off the look in real life.  In the meantime just enjoy talking with everyone here as you will find they are lovely and full of good advice, speaking of advice the only other thing I would recommend just as a treat to yourself is a good therapist, I get to go see mine today at noon and I’m so excited to see him, seeing a therapist has been my absolute favorite part of transition as it is a perfectly safe place for me to discuss every aspect of how I feel, you might find  you like it as much as I do if you tried it out.

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

[Natalie86]

15 hours ago, ClosetCallie said:

Oh I’m on your same road!!!

I'm 36, born a male but have known since at least 7 years old Im a female inside. Callie is my female name I felt fit me best.  Up until yesterday no one has ever known.  I'm still in the closet completely except for two good lesbian friends that I finally opened up to.  I have to say keeping this secret all these years I feel a little relief knowing that there is another human being I can finally talk to about it.  I think you have to do what you're comfortable doing and be strong.  I'm married to a woman and have 3 daughters... I am attracted to both men and women but not to my wife.  And my wife has no idea of my true self.   
It's sooo hard pushing this down to where you're not even you.  I don't know if I ever could come out about it.  I live in a conservative redneck area and gays are barely accepted let alone would me, a woman trapped in a biological man's body who is a lesbian.  If I had a different life and alot more money I would make the change in a heartbeat.  I hope your journey ends happily.  

Thanks Callie! It is so hard keeping her bottled up inside. If I try for too long it drives me crazy and Natalie comes back stronger than ever each time. I have actually tried suppressing her, but she always wins. I am fortunate that my GF enjoys my feminine side. I also have one female friend who first helped me get womens clothing of my own. Back when I was too scared to even look at a bra in a store. I wish I could talk openly with people about myself but in a super conservative area it is not acceptable for a man to want such things. I really want to make some friends that I don't have to hide myself around.

Natalie

[Natalie86]

14 hours ago, jae bear said:

 Hi Natalie, 

It’s good to see you here being able to talk with the girls about a topic we all understand. While our stories are so similar they are all rather unique, and yes I hate going to work as that man as well.  One of the things I’ve realized is that jeans and T-shirts are nearly universal and pretty much the most comfortable things one can wear, and as a lesbian tomboy that’s my daily outfit, just throw me a flannel when it gets cooler and I’m ready to go to the softball game ! It took me a little bit to figure out what size things were, but I was rather successful finding some jeans that fit on eBay and some T-shirts that I very much like. I have worn them to work regularly, and no one is the wiser but then again I’m out at work so maybe they wouldn’t say anything anyway.  Another thing you can do is let your hair grow, and trust me if you decide to transition someday you’ll be glad you did. If you really feel adventurous any of the girls here will tell you that the sooner you start electrolysis the better,  so if you have the opportunity to do so treat yourself to some lovely electrocution on a weekly basis !  Ha ha ha !!  I was surprised to learn that electrolysis was covered by my insurance, and I only paid a $55 co-pay once a week which is within my budget, and growing your hair doesn’t cost a dime, in fact it’ll save you money on haircuts that you can spend on electrolysis .  I have no idea what size you are but if you wear jeans regularly maybe it would be a fun idea to see what fits. In regular men’s jeans I wore a 36 X 32, which for me translates to women’s size 14L,  it was a bit of a surprise at first but I realized there are low and mid rise jeans that don’t feel quite right once you are used to men’s jeans, but my favorite women’s jeans right now our Lee riders, a.k.a. mom jeans. Women’s T-shirts often have a bigger crewneck or a V-neck and slightly shorter sleeves, this feels a touch different at first but you get used to it and so far I haven’t had a single comment in all the time I’ve worn this publicly, and what would they say anyway? Another thing I love is playing with these two apps, hairstyle lite and airbrush, It’s really fun to digitally do your make up and change your hairstyle, I can’t wait for the day my hair is long enough and I’ve learned some makeup tips to pull off the look in real life.  In the meantime just enjoy talking with everyone here as you will find they are lovely and full of good advice, speaking of advice the only other thing I would recommend just as a treat to yourself is a good therapist, I get to go see mine today at noon and I’m so excited to see him, seeing a therapist has been my absolute favorite part of transition as it is a perfectly safe place for me to discuss every aspect of how I feel, you might find  you like it as much as I do if you tried it out.

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

Hi Jackie, thanks for all your advice I am really considering the jeans and tshirt idea. I have often wonders who would really notice if I was wearing womens jeans. Plus I love how much softer womens jeans are and womens clothing in general! I had not thought about teeshirts as I thought it would be more noticeable but I might give it a try. Where I work we have to wear staff tees that are unisex so for work it would not really matter. I would love to grow my hair out but unfortunately I have bad hair genetics:( . I am looking for a wig that is not too costly.

I really want to find a therapist!!! I am waiting until I have more money or some insurance or both. But I really think that would help me solve alot of issues in my life not just my gender issues. I really just want to talk about who I really feel I am. Do uou ever feel like your female self is a better person than your male self? I feel like when I am in "girl mode " I take better care of myself, the house , the pets. I feel like I am a better friend. I am more caring and even more forgiving and I just feel genuinely happy. 

 

Natalie

[jae bear]

 Hi Natalie, 

 Oh my gosh you hit the nail on the head, yes I am generally a much better person. End of story, end of statement, unequivocally yes, Jackie is so much superior to him in every way he’s been thrown in the rubbish bin of history so to speak, I noticed big changes about the third or fourth month on HRT and I haven’t looked back since. There were many reasons for my bad behavior before  HRT, but I’ve heard from other girls that this experience is not uncommon, the act of finally accepting  who we are tends to unravel the negative portions of our life allowing us to be unbound by the things that frustrate us, hence allowing us to more easily focus on the things we need to do and allow us to think clearly getting us focused on personal introspection.  My therapist and I talked about this very thing today at noon, I’ve been going to him for about six months or a little more and he went over a long list of things he felt were vastly improved, things he was quite happy with the fact that I had achieved so much in a short period of time, the truth being I’m no longer hidden, everyone knows who I am, and those who will accept me do, and those who will not will pass without notice from my casual acquaintance.

I’ve been wearing women’s T-shirts and jeans for weeks now, I was nervous the first day or two but now I couldn’t care less as nobody seems to care and nobody seems to notice, I think my wife finally noticed when she thought I was wearing skinny jeans, and I was honest with her and told them they were 14M and that I thought they were a little short and that I needed 14L, she laughed a little and said yes you need long or tall rather than medium length...  The T-shirts I get are often a great deal at Michael’s, sometimes they go on sale for two T-shirts for seven dollars, and they have plenty of colors as well as being quality Gildan cotton T-shirts.  If you start looking for women’s T-shirts online be prepared for sticker shock, I’ve seen plain T-shirts for as much as 50 bucks ! And the one thing I can’t quite get used to on women’s jeans is the tiny itty bitty little minuscule pockets,  but I have a tactical messenger bag which is exactly the same as a purse and I do actually call it my purse, and no one ever questions that either. Oddly enough I’ve been carrying that tactical messenger bag for years, I used to have a backpack on the back of my wheelchair the three years I needed one from 2004 to 2007, after I ditched the wheelchair I realized having something to carry your stuff while using a crutch made sense,  so the tactical messenger bag became a regular thing for me and I actually knew in my mind precisely how I felt about it, it was my purse and only I knew it. Many of my friends thought this was a cool idea and adopted the tactical messenger bag for themselves as well and everyone said how awesome it was to have a way to carry your stuff, now most of them now that I am out and all the tactical messenger bags have disappeared from their cars and homes, not even in the back of their pickups. I’m imagining they got stuffed somewhere in the garage where no one would ever see them again for fear  that their masculinity would somehow be affected by the knowledge of my present TransNess !!!!!  Ha ha ha !!!!

I find the best place to get jeans has been eBay, because I will typically have to pay 50 bucks for the jeans I really want which are the Carhart Blair women’s jeans, those are super awesome and the best mom jeans in town, but the Lee rider jeans in high-rise or full rise relaxed fit is perfect for me, I don’t like the lowrise or particularly care for the mid rise, but if you’ve got a nice slim body  feel free to go bonkers ..  they call them mom jeans because moms aren’t typically all that skinny and need to cover up a little bit of tummy, I definitely fit that description to a T! 

 I totally understand not having two bucks to rub together some days, and going to the therapist is going to cost money, I pay one out of pocket and one is in my insurance plan, but I have found most therapists will work with you on the money if you’re simply not wealthy enough to kick down $250 a week to see someone. My therapist and I agreed on $100 per visit, but he certainly would have gone less if I needed him too, his goal is to help me, not feather his own pocket,  not that all therapists are this way but the good ones often are!

 I feel like I need to come back to the original  self improvement  topic one more time, if you were better at everything in girl mode, maybe you should consider simply doing away with boy Mode... While I often dress for the occasion, I don’t wear men’s jeans at all anymore, there just seems no reason for it,  The same goes for underwear, what’s the difference anyway, and I may get flack for this but I think the women’s underwear that’s called boy shorts is actually the most comfortable, I know it’s got the word boy in it but trust me it’s not for boys!  So if you’ve realized the simple fact that you need to stay in girl mode just find a way to have elements that keep you somewhat involved at all times,  and I would also have to add that once you decide to move into the world and allow people to know who you are, even if it’s not through your manner of dress, just being out in general has made a huge change my life that has been enormously positive, it’s a bit hard to describe but I’m certain some of the other girls here will chime in and help nail down the description of what it’s like to be out and comfortable with yourself, accepting yourself for who you are and having others know your true self, while it can be a little unnerving  in the beginning, it is also extremely rewarding. i’m certain some of the other girls here will chime in and help nail down the description of what it’s like to be out and comfortable with yourself, accepting yourself for who you are and having others know your true self...

 If you are a better person as a girl just be the girl you were meant to be and find a way to ditch the boy if you can 

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

 

[jae bear]

Whoops, sorry about the text echo at the tail of the last post, my phone seems to be doing this a lot lately!

[Natalie86]

11 hours ago, jae bear said:

 Hi Natalie, 

 Oh my gosh you hit the nail on the head, yes I am generally a much better person. End of story, end of statement, unequivocally yes, Jackie is so much superior to him in every way he’s been thrown in the rubbish bin of history so to speak, I noticed big changes about the third or fourth month on HRT and I haven’t looked back since. There were many reasons for my bad behavior before  HRT, but I’ve heard from other girls that this experience is not uncommon, the act of finally accepting  who we are tends to unravel the negative portions of our life allowing us to be unbound by the things that frustrate us, hence allowing us to more easily focus on the things we need to do and allow us to think clearly getting us focused on personal introspection.  My therapist and I talked about this very thing today at noon, I’ve been going to him for about six months or a little more and he went over a long list of things he felt were vastly improved, things he was quite happy with the fact that I had achieved so much in a short period of time, the truth being I’m no longer hidden, everyone knows who I am, and those who will accept me do, and those who will not will pass without notice from my casual acquaintance.

I’ve been wearing women’s T-shirts and jeans for weeks now, I was nervous the first day or two but now I couldn’t care less as nobody seems to care and nobody seems to notice, I think my wife finally noticed when she thought I was wearing skinny jeans, and I was honest with her and told them they were 14M and that I thought they were a little short and that I needed 14L, she laughed a little and said yes you need long or tall rather than medium length...  The T-shirts I get are often a great deal at Michael’s, sometimes they go on sale for two T-shirts for seven dollars, and they have plenty of colors as well as being quality Gildan cotton T-shirts.  If you start looking for women’s T-shirts online be prepared for sticker shock, I’ve seen plain T-shirts for as much as 50 bucks ! And the one thing I can’t quite get used to on women’s jeans is the tiny itty bitty little minuscule pockets,  but I have a tactical messenger bag which is exactly the same as a purse and I do actually call it my purse, and no one ever questions that either. Oddly enough I’ve been carrying that tactical messenger bag for years, I used to have a backpack on the back of my wheelchair the three years I needed one from 2004 to 2007, after I ditched the wheelchair I realized having something to carry your stuff while using a crutch made sense,  so the tactical messenger bag became a regular thing for me and I actually knew in my mind precisely how I felt about it, it was my purse and only I knew it. Many of my friends thought this was a cool idea and adopted the tactical messenger bag for themselves as well and everyone said how awesome it was to have a way to carry your stuff, now most of them now that I am out and all the tactical messenger bags have disappeared from their cars and homes, not even in the back of their pickups. I’m imagining they got stuffed somewhere in the garage where no one would ever see them again for fear  that their masculinity would somehow be affected by the knowledge of my present TransNess !!!!!  Ha ha ha !!!!

I find the best place to get jeans has been eBay, because I will typically have to pay 50 bucks for the jeans I really want which are the Carhart Blair women’s jeans, those are super awesome and the best mom jeans in town, but the Lee rider jeans in high-rise or full rise relaxed fit is perfect for me, I don’t like the lowrise or particularly care for the mid rise, but if you’ve got a nice slim body  feel free to go bonkers ..  they call them mom jeans because moms aren’t typically all that skinny and need to cover up a little bit of tummy, I definitely fit that description to a T! 

 I totally understand not having two bucks to rub together some days, and going to the therapist is going to cost money, I pay one out of pocket and one is in my insurance plan, but I have found most therapists will work with you on the money if you’re simply not wealthy enough to kick down $250 a week to see someone. My therapist and I agreed on $100 per visit, but he certainly would have gone less if I needed him too, his goal is to help me, not feather his own pocket,  not that all therapists are this way but the good ones often are!

 I feel like I need to come back to the original  self improvement  topic one more time, if you were better at everything in girl mode, maybe you should consider simply doing away with boy Mode... While I often dress for the occasion, I don’t wear men’s jeans at all anymore, there just seems no reason for it,  The same goes for underwear, what’s the difference anyway, and I may get flack for this but I think the women’s underwear that’s called boy shorts is actually the most comfortable, I know it’s got the word boy in it but trust me it’s not for boys!  So if you’ve realized the simple fact that you need to stay in girl mode just find a way to have elements that keep you somewhat involved at all times,  and I would also have to add that once you decide to move into the world and allow people to know who you are, even if it’s not through your manner of dress, just being out in general has made a huge change my life that has been enormously positive, it’s a bit hard to describe but I’m certain some of the other girls here will chime in and help nail down the description of what it’s like to be out and comfortable with yourself, accepting yourself for who you are and having others know your true self, while it can be a little unnerving  in the beginning, it is also extremely rewarding. i’m certain some of the other girls here will chime in and help nail down the description of what it’s like to be out and comfortable with yourself, accepting yourself for who you are and having others know your true self...

 If you are a better person as a girl just be the girl you were meant to be and find a way to ditch the boy if you can 

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

 

Hey Jackie you got me laughing about your friends and thier disappearing messenger bags!! I actually carry a small bag that got labeled a "crocodile Dundee bag" I am still not sure why. I need a new one and want somthing a bit more feminine. Was thinking about one of those tiny backpacks with the thin straps. 

 

I am working really hard to loose weight I know right now I am an 18/20 i used to be a 14/16 and could somtime sqeeze into a 12. I have a large frame and I am always scared that if I pursue this I will just be a guy in a dress and that all anyone will see me as. When i am home I am almost always in girl mode even if its just a nightie ( my favorite sleepwear for years) I am seriously going to look into womens jeans. It gets so hot and humid hear I wish I could find some womens shorts. The price tag and the pocket shortage on womens clothing is somthing I have already noticed. I really understand why women flip out over a dress with pockets.

 

My girlfriend as supportive as she is, I don't think she would like me living full time. I do love her so much! I could not imagine my life without her. For right now I just have to keep one with how I am doing. 

[Natalie86]

Jackie, also in SC in my experience no one is trying to help anyone. Everything is done for profits. I am sure there may be one or two therapist here that really want to help,but good luck finding them. My GF and I loathe living here and have been trying to escape for years.  We feel like crabs in a bucket. 

[jae bear]

 Hey Natalie, 

 It sounds like it might be a little rough in South Carolina, I wants thought about moving to Texas so I simply could not transition, who is a bit of a last ditch effort to permanently conceal my transness... I’m quite glad that I live in the California bay area however the cost of living here is ridiculous, although I don’t know that I could live in a more friendly place that is nice and accepting with no fear of mortal danger in my immediate area. There is also a large support network for trans and gay folk... A friend of mine is planning a move from Arkansas to Oregon, I think I heard that there is a fairly trans friendly area there in Oregon somewhere but I can’t remember where I heard that it was. There are probably another few places here or there that are rather trans friendly and not a super high cost-of-living, if you feel like you want to escape the crab bucket I said yup, don’t wait make plans and do it, did you every little thing you don’t care about and take only the box of things that matter most in a leave, I always feel better when I get rid of all of the extra junk in my life anyway.  I need start a new place might feel really nice as you transition, somewhere to settle in and feel like yourself sounds like a lot of fun . If you’re thinking seriously about leaving South Carolina you should create a new post specifically about asking for help in exactly that manner, where to go? Best places to live in the best neighborhoods? Moving costs and job opportunities? As it seen others do the same here and get an outpouring of resources and get advice on the subject.

I also understand what you mean about just a man in a dress, it worries me too, I think it’s worried every single one of us at some point, but the farther we roll down the transition road the less we care and the more we pass, sometimes confidence is everything, I’ve heard it said many times and I’m finding that easier I move through the world the last people seem to care about my level of androgyny!

Just for reference I was out today at a job interview for a small company near my home, and I thought I should probably dress in very strict boy mode, then I rethought myself and realized why would I do that? If they want to hire me eventually they will know what’s going on so why would I want to be dishonest right up front? So the only item of clothing that wasn’t strictly girl was my T-shirt, and at best it’s a unisex shirt in a dark lilac shade. The nice gentleman who interviewed me had no idea, neither did his assistant or the front Desk attendant, they were just interested in me as a person and I didn’t draw attention to myself because my body language didn’t require it. I also did not cover my voice, I intended to even increase my pitch but for whatever reason it wasn’t happening, otherwise though it’s my standard correct female gender voice and again nobody thought anything of it...

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Natalie86]

Just now, jae bear said:

 Hey Natalie, 

 It sounds like it might be a little rough in South Carolina, I wants thought about moving to Texas so I simply could not transition, who is a bit of a last ditch effort to permanently conceal my transness... I’m quite glad that I live in the California bay area however the cost of living here is ridiculous, although I don’t know that I could live in a more friendly place that is nice and accepting with no fear of mortal danger in my immediate area. There is also a large support network for trans and gay folk... A friend of mine is planning a move from Arkansas to Oregon, I think I heard that there is a fairly trans friendly area there in Oregon somewhere but I can’t remember where I heard that it was. There are probably another few places here or there that are rather trans friendly and not a super high cost-of-living, if you feel like you want to escape the crab bucket I said yup, don’t wait make plans and do it, did you every little thing you don’t care about and take only the box of things that matter most in a leave, I always feel better when I get rid of all of the extra junk in my life anyway.  I need start a new place might feel really nice as you transition, somewhere to settle in and feel like yourself sounds like a lot of fun . If you’re thinking seriously about leaving South Carolina you should create a new post specifically about asking for help in exactly that manner, where to go? Best places to live in the best neighborhoods? Moving costs and job opportunities? As it seen others do the same here and get an outpouring of resources and get advice on the subject.

I also understand what you mean about just a man in a dress, it worries me too, I think it’s worried every single one of us at some point, but the farther we roll down the transition road the less we care and the more we pass, sometimes confidence is everything, I’ve heard it said many times and I’m finding that easier I move through the world the last people seem to care about my level of androgyny!

Just for reference I was out today at a job interview for a small company near my home, and I thought I should probably dress in very strict boy mode, then I rethought myself and realized why would I do that? If they want to hire me eventually they will know what’s going on so why would I want to be dishonest right up front? So the only item of clothing that wasn’t strictly girl was my T-shirt, and at best it’s a unisex shirt in a dark lilac shade. The nice gentleman who interviewed me had no idea, neither did his assistant or the front Desk attendant, they were just interested in me as a person and I didn’t draw attention to myself because my body language didn’t require it. I also did not cover my voice, I intended to even increase my pitch but for whatever reason it wasn’t happening, otherwise though it’s my standard correct female gender voice and again nobody thought anything of it...

 Hugs, 

Jackie

Jackie

 

Talking to you is making me feel less alone, thank you. We are working hard towards our move. My GF is a UA pipe fitter apprentice we are waiting on her to become a Journeyman and then she can transfer to another Union. I am also seriously considering going to college and as a resident I can get alot of my credits out of the way at the locale technical school for little to no cost and transfer to a university. So as much as we want to leave we are waiting for all of our ducks to be in a row. I do somtime feel like trying to suppress  Natalie and just be the man I was born. But I end up sleeping 12-15 hours a day , downnin the dumps all the time.

I just can't do that to myself. That is fantastic that you got interviewed as a person!! I wish I could find a job around here that would just let me be Natalie. I even thought about trying to find out if a gay bar was hiring bartenders but from my past server experience I don't handle the public well.

 

Hugs,

Natalie

[Adaline]

You are definitely not alone.  Spent most of my life being drawn towards all things girly.  Kept it a secret, never told anyone and eventually it started to tear me apart.  After years of heavy drinking I was finally outed, got sloppy with my internet searches at work.  That lead to a whole series of unfortunate events but it turned out to be all for the best.  My wife was hurt more by the lies than she was by the fact that I’m transgender.  She still doesn’t except me as female but is very understanding of the distress I feel.  Within weeks we went shopping for Bras, underwear and sleep wear.  I started HRT 3 months ago and the heavens have opened.  I can look in the mirror and see the woman inside peeking out.  As long as my journey doesn’t involve social transiting she is willing to let it go.  

 

Wearing a bra really helps me during periods of forced guy mode.  I can feel the straps and the band around my chest.  It’s like a giant hug reminding me that I’m a girl.  My wife was worried that everyone would notice but peaple are surprisingly unobservant.

 

All those years I carried that load alone, I’m glad you have a place to go and be supported.  

 

hugs ? 

[Natalie86]

3 hours ago, Adaline said:

You are definitely not alone.  Spent most of my life being drawn towards all things girly.  Kept it a secret, never told anyone and eventually it started to tear me apart.  After years of heavy drinking I was finally outed, got sloppy with my internet searches at work.  That lead to a whole series of unfortunate events but it turned out to be all for the best.  My wife was hurt more by the lies than she was by the fact that I’m transgender.  She still doesn’t except me as female but is very understanding of the distress I feel.  Within weeks we went shopping for Bras, underwear and sleep wear.  I started HRT 3 months ago and the heavens have opened.  I can look in the mirror and see the woman inside peeking out.  As long as my journey doesn’t involve social transiting she is willing to let it go.  

 

Wearing a bra really helps me during periods of forced guy mode.  I can feel the straps and the band around my chest.  It’s like a giant hug reminding me that I’m a girl.  My wife was worried that everyone would notice but peaple are surprisingly unobservant.

 

All those years I carried that load alone, I’m glad you have a place to go and be supported.  

 

hugs ? 

I love wearing my sports bras, it does feel like a hug!

[jae bear]

Hey Natalie and Adaline,

 both you girls are doing remarkably well, I know sometimes we feel like everything is going wrong around us but I can see between the cracks of light in your life that things are going the way they should even if at the moment you don’t see them, I’m proud of both of you! Adaline is absolutely right, people are not paying attention, they’re either too busy involved in their own interests or have their nose buried in their phones. A friend of mine clued me into a very comfortable bra lately, it’s the Haynes X Temp fabric bra,  it’s somewhat like a sports bra but it’s very comfortable, and it just looks like a tank top if it shows through your T-shirt. I ordered one not to feel girly in any fashion but because my girls need support after more than a year of estrogen, ha ha, I guess my lack of need for femininity is taking a backseat to my necessities as a female!  I found a super awesome pair of jeans the other day, they were an older variant of the Lee rider jeans, in a relaxed fit but the pockets are just a touch different and they fit perfectly well and feel awesome !  I wore them to group meeting last night and got some compliments even though I didn’t think anyone would notice, the only bummer is there is a button flap on the back pockets so good luck if you have a Wallet still, I realize my tactical purse is now a permanent item and hangs off my breakfast chair just like any other girls purse would normally ...  i’ve been blessed with some really awesome neighbors at my apartment, they are a really cute lesbian couple and I couldn’t ask for better neighbors, one of the girls went outside last night to get some fresh air and look at the stars and I heard her walk past my door so I got up from my computer while updating Facebook to go catch up with her since I haven’t talked with her in a week. She and her partner have been working double shifts and only had a few hours before needing to go back to work, her partner pulled up into her parking spot as we were talking. As her partner got out of her cute little car I noticed a different look on her face than I was not used to,  a slight bit of concern that I thought might be work related. It was dark and late but the streetlamp lit her features fairly well and I noticed her amazing tattoos, So I started to approach her as I wanted to know the story on the ink. She raised her hand above her brow so she could see me through the glare of the streetlamp and said, “oh Jae, I didn’t see you there I was wondering what girl was talking to my partner”? Which then made us all laugh because it was very apparent she was a touch concerned because of jealousy, and then we all laughed fairly hard after we had this settle upon us.  I think the reason for this had more to do with my fluffy no-mousse hair than anything else, except for the fact that my new awesome jeans and my bright light blue girls T-shirt were showing off curves that I haven’t had before, the lighting made my chest very apparently not male!  I do believe this is the very first time I have been visually correctly gendered, and I certainly wasn’t expecting it this soon, when you’re on estrogen you wait for things to happen but since you see yourself every day it’s hard to tell. I certainly hope my ex temp bra shows up soon as I don’t want to appear obscene in public without it !

 I must apologize for my terrible post above a post or two ago, I was unable to find my glasses and thought that I had carefully read through everything and spell checked, how horribly clear that I need my glasses at all times !!!  Ha ha ha !  Transitioning when you’re nearing 50 has some interesting aspects, while the rest of me seems to be getting younger my eyes betrayed me !

 Hugs, 

 Jackie