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Confused And In Need Of Guidance


Natalie86

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 Hey Natalie,

 Your girlfriends union sounds kind of crummy, what’s the point of a union if they’re just going to treat the job like a right to work situation? I was talking with a few of my friends today that escaped from Kansas, it was fascinating to hear their point of view  having come from somewhere so trans unfriendly much like South Carolina. I very much understand how you feel about living in the open, I finally hit that stage where I just don’t care anymore so while I’m out there I’m also rather noticed, but that kind of attention  just has to take a backseat to what I need from the world right now. I went out to a huge antique outdoor market in Alameda today with friends, we only were able to see half of what was there since it was so large. Since I have to  go to electrolysis tomorrow I have to have two or three days beard growth so they have something to grab and zap. I was really bummed out that I couldn’t go in girl mode since I would have stubble, and this morning while getting dressed I just had an epiphany, what does it matter? My boy mode is wrecked anyway I’ll get just about the same amount of attention so why not go in girl mode? The way my body shape keeps changing it doesn’t quite matter what I wear, and I certainly didn’t want to take off my cute new nail polish, so instead of wearing a boy T-shirt I went ahead and wore my girl T-shirt...  I honestly didn’t think anything of this as I wandered around, nobody noticed, people are very interested in others, mostly their own lives and needs. The only time anyone noticed was when they looked at my face closely, and even then nobody said anything. Only one girl Clearly saw something out of the ordinary, I was looking through a pile of purses and this girl had been looking at something near the floor then needed to look upward, as she did she realized they clearly female body she had been observing was attached to a semi male face with stubble,  she clearly didn’t know what to do about it but it was funny that everything below my neck screams female and everything above my neck  is questionable at best but facial hair throws a monkey wrench in the works. These things don’t bother me much, I fully well now this year will be an awkward phase a transition, but that is all it is, one year of some awkwardness here or there. I needed to do some shopping so when I came home I went to the grocery store and went about my business without worrying about others perceptions are problems, I went to the checkout and paid got my things together and went home. If people are noticing I’m not bothering to acknowledge it, I’ve got things to do and I no longer worry about whatever awkward feelings others have about it. Someday you’ll most likely reach this phase 2, I’m calling the “I don’t give a rip” phase,  and it’s so much easier to operate this way than you could imagine. 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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Hey Jackie, 

 

Yes her union is weird, they are treating her rather poorly becuase she is a female in a male dominated field. She is also very smart on top of that so many of her co workers feel threatened by her presence. Unions in the south are very weak so you get the pay and healthcare minus being treated like a human being. We are both very disheartened at this. I worked two jobs and put off going to school while she was training. During that time they gave her all these high hopes and it now feels like it was false hope. 

 

That antique outdoor market sounds like alot of fun! I used to go with my mom and aunt to alot of antique stores when I was a kid and I miss going. I do hope I get to that "I don't give a rip" phase. If will be so nice one day to just throw on a dress and go out! I am curious as to what hormones would do to my body. My GF tells me that even though I have a large frame and broad shoulders I have a rather feminine shape. So I hope that will help.  It really shouldn't matter what anyone wears and I wish our society would just not care. As I have mentioned I polish my toes and the little boys at the place I work constantly feel the need to tell me "boys don't paint their toes" or "My daddy says thats for girls" My general response is "I guess no one ever told me that" or " yeah, well I don't care". I get so mad at what parents teach thier kids and then the parents wonder why they grow into intolerant teenagers.  One day I will feel right with myself. :)

 

hugs

Natalie 

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On 8/6/2018 at 2:30 AM, jae bear said:

Someday you’ll most likely reach this phase 2, I’m calling the “I don’t give a rip” phase,  and it’s so much easier to operate this way than you could imagine. 

Haha. I love that!! I’m in the “I don’t give a rip” phase too. I think it’s kind of fun actually. And the looks from people that dont notice at first can be priceless. 

 

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On 8/5/2018 at 8:20 PM, Natalie86 said:

I do have a friend who is an attorney who used to be a local LGBT leader. I have thought about talking to her but I was scared to come out to her because she always said how much she admired my masculinity.

Natalie I would not be afraid of speaking with your lawyer friend.  She will still admire you for your honesty and being who you are. 

 

Jani

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  Hi Natalie and Kirsten, 

 I very much agree with Jani, I find most people very much enjoy the honesty that comes with the knowledge of who you are, I worried about so many people before I came out and now I have new faith in the human race once again. 

 Natalie your girlfriends union doesn’t seem to be something worth fighting for, I can understand how they might tell you a lot of positive things to get you interested but the reality being it’s just a job without much protection, as if benefits and regular pay are worth your indentured servitude.  I have to apologize for that terribly miss spelled and poorly worded post, I just got a new pair of glasses and realize how much I can’t see the screen when I’m writing a post on my phone, it’s quite bizarre as most of my body seems to be aging backwards but my eyes are failing me! A close friend of mine called me Bethany Button recently, and it cracks me up, but I wonder if Benjamin Button’s eyes got worse as he aged backward?  It’s good that your girlfriend mentioned you have a feminine shape, that really is more important, women come in all shapes and sizes, I can attest to this as I’ve never been attracted to the typical little skinny commercialized beauty type of shape anyway, I much prefer Amazons with lots of curves. Having the right shape trumps everything else, height does not matter, there are plenty of tall girls, size does not matter there are plenty of big girls,  muscles do not matter, there are plenty of strong girls ...  and for whatever reason I’ve always picked the ones that were big and strong, but statistically they have always been about my height or slightly less. I do remember wanting to date a friend of a friend, she was 6 foot three and all Amazon, but she just got out of relationship and was very grumpy,  so I kept my distance. There is one very beautiful girl at the trans women support group I frequent, she is definitely over 6 feet tall but she’s so curvy it’s crazy,  she actually makes me a bit jealous even though I have a few curves of my own!  I hope someday you get the opportunity to find out how HRT would work for you, there are so many things about HRT that I absolutely love, I can’t believe I waited so long in my life to take the plunge. 

 Oh my gosh Kirsten you are so right, it really is fun to see people with their jar on the floor when they figure out something doesn’t fit, they’re usually so embarrassed they run away, and I’m usually left standing there giggling about it. Maybe I just love attention, I know plenty of others would think of that scenario as being horrifyingly anxiety producing, not that I don’t have anxiety sometimes it’s just when things happen it makes me laugh. My first trip to the nail salon comes to mind, since I had the first chair in the front, all nine chairs to my right had a good view, and when I looked to my right I saw nine faces looking right at me, only to whip forward once they noticed I saw them. I realized I had their attention and a grin grew across my face, every now and then I would quickly look right and see all nine faces again, and they whipped their heads so fast I swear it made wind.  The last time I looked I did so very quickly and I know I was smiling and chuckling under my breath, and I heard one of the nail salon girls swear in Vietnamese, followed by one girl complaining “oh no my nails”!  I actually felt kind of bad for screwing up her nails and making more work for the nail technician, but the girl doing my nails and  I thought was really funny! I mean if you have to go through the process of transition and face these things, why not make it fun? Right?

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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Natalie I am in a union myself. And I have to agree. It seems like something’s amiss. Not to mention most unions LOVE having female members for that diversity checklist. I’d look into the national chapter if there is one. Maybe someone has a personal grudge you aren’t aware of. I mean my union isn’t that great, but they do at least stand behind their members as much as possible. And everything should be outlined in a contract somewhere. Things like this just reaffirm to me how much I don’t like unions. 

Jackie all I can say is it’s a good thing we are on opposite sides of the world or it’d get crazy! ?

maybe someday. ?

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Just now, Kirsten said:

 

Jackie all I can say is it’s a good thing we are on opposite sides of the world or it’d get crazy! ?

maybe someday. ?<span><span>

 Ha ha ha ha !!!  I know right? I think we’d end up in too much trouble, causing anxiety for all the CIS folks!  I try not to go out of my way to cause things to happen,  I would much prefer to go unnoticed, I just think it’s really funny when it catches CIS people by surprise...

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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I had my first passing experience last night.  I went to group and my therapist had an appointment that was running overtime.  She shares a waiting room with other therapists and it’s usually crowded.  This doesn’t happen offten but in the past I have just gone into the bathroom and hid out.  This time I decided to go back into the waiting room to wait.  When I entered, everyone had looked, so I assumed that everyone had noticed and where just being polite.  After about 10 minutes, one of the girls from my group arrived and we started to talk.  As soon as I started to speak, a few looked over with that surprised look of realization on their faces.  It was at that moment that I realized, I had passed.  It wasn’t much, and I was not under close scrutiny but it felt wonderful.  

 

I feel that much of my distress and anxiety is a result of years of trying to be excepted as male.  It feels like I’m constantly lying, deceiving others and hoping they never discover the truth.  Dressing as my true self is so liberating.  Even if it is a rare event to be able to pass as female, I’m still being myself.  

 

Your experiences have helped me to realize that there are thing far worse than not passing.  

 

I don’t want to put more stress on the already stressful situation with my wife but this moment was a milestone and will help me look to a better future.

 

hugs to all

Adaline

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I'm glad to here of this experience and you feel better because of it.  Wonderful!!

Jani

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Hi Natalie 

I know what you mean about looking in the mirror and as for talking to your girlfriend I am struggling with that right now with my wife I know what you mean when you say you would come like seasons my experience is the more you try to hide it the stronger the desire becomes I think at the end of the day overall we need to be true to are loved ones and especially ourselves I hope this helps you

 

 

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 Oh my gosh Adaline I’m so proud of you !  I know a lot of us have used our therapist meeting or group night as the first public girl mode debut, mine was group night at the Billy DeFrank center, and it was more fun than I ever thought it would be, right?  Today I had to go to my hematologist to talk about taking a blood thinner prior to being prescribed estrogen since I have an  IVC filter still in place from a 14-year-old injury. My girl mode was dismal today, no make up, terrible hair, barely swiped my face with a razor blade and threw on a T-shirt and jeans. There’s no hiding the figure that is happening underneath my clothes these days so what’s the difference whether I try to hide It under boy clothes or girl clothes?  Once I pulled into a parking space on the backside of the hospital I took a look in the mirror and realized what a mess my face was , I hit it with just a little powdered make up for my compact to blend the skintone ever so slightly but that was it!  It was ever so slightly necessary since I had electrolysis on Monday and my face is still a bit blotchy from 3 1/2 hours of electrolysis!  Started marching my way to the front door, purse slung around my back, over the neck messenger bag style, not really in a hurry I was I was on time. I got to the fourth floor after having passed a dozen people or so, if they’re noticing I’m not bothering to pay attention. Finally made my way all the way around The backside of the fourth floor to room 440, hematology/oncology, and checked in and sat down with everyone in the waiting room. I played with my phone as I was bored and looked at the forum a little bit, Then I was called to come see the doctor,  nobody looked when I got up, nobody watched me walk in, nobody bothered to so much as look up or notice me. I’m certain that the person who checked me in new who I was because he could see it on the screen, but he was very polite anyway. I knew that the  physicians  assistant that  recorded my way into my blood pressure knew who I was because they had my chart, but they were very pleasant anyway. I knew my doctor knew who I was because she is my doctor, and even knew to call me Jackie has posted in my preferred name inside my medical profile. She was very sweet, and we talked at great length about all of the ins and outs of transition, and she found it quite amazing  that I didn’t care one little bit what people thought, and that I went about my daily life through the awkward phase of transition but I was passing through. After telling her it really made no difference to me, it was much better for me to feel good about myself in an awkward female way than an awkward mail away it all made sense to her, and she nodded her head saying yes I’d rather be an awkward looking girl that an awkward looking boy,  and we both shared in this so obvious agreement. She has a few other transgender  patients, but apparently they haven’t reached the point where they’re just going to be themselves for the sake of being themselves, they fear that possibility of others knowing anything at all is amiss, I personally just don’t worry about it, and if something had gone sideways and somebody need to talk to me I would love the opportunity to not only be the center of attention but to spell my life story onto them until they could no longer stand up straight and  needed to sit down so I could tell them the rest of the story, because Jackie loves to blah blah blah all day long !!! After my doctor and I discussed the convenience of Xarelto we talked at length even more about the difficulties that trans people face and my own personal experiences, as I usually rather comical and twine them with the ridiculous part of my life that really need to have their own comedy standup routine.  Instead of the 30 minute conversation she intended to have it ended up being 2+ hours, and we both left their holding our sides and laughing. I went down to the third-floor pharmacy and started talking with the pharmacist at the counter, and again it was all about me and being trans,  and we roared with laughter is everyone stared at our antics. I wandered out the elevator with my bag of Xarelto, wow, three months costs $165, it better be some good stuff is all I can think. I hopped in the elevator with about six other people and again nobody had anything to say, nobody bothered to look,  and everyone got off on their floor when I needed to, and there I stood all alone in the elevator just barely passing, messed up hair, no make up, jeans and T-shirt with no excuse. Passing may not mean  escaping detection ftom others,  passing might mean having the confidence to keep from having others bother to investigate.  If you’re making eye contact and smiling from time to time people just assume everything’s fine, to be honest smile does wonders, I recommend wearing one all day long even if your hair is a mess and all you have is jeans and T-shirts in the clean laundry pile. 

 Hugs, 

  Jackie 

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