Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The need to drink vs transition


MarvellousMattie

Recommended Posts

My name was Matthew, I used to drink a lot and almost always a blackout drunk.You see, I was trying to kill myself and had been since I was quite young. But death from alcohol isn't the quick fix I thought it would be. I knew something was not quite right about me from a young age. I had this compulsion to cross dress, not makeup just lingerie. And I seemed to be attracted to men,,sexually. But I was also attracted to women,,sexually. I just found it easier to talk to men. Women scared the bejeezus out of me. Oh my they turned me on immensely but I was very self conscious and felt inadequate. I was the youngest of 3 boys, a redhead, skinny and I stuttered. My father had a full time job but was also a part time bartender so our basement was chock full of boxes of booze. The Mother lode!. I started drinking when I was about 13. I wasn't cross dressing at this age. I didn't start until I was about 17. I was like a secret agent in my cross dressing. It was like a game even though it was such a strong compulsion I was always devising ways I could safely do this without anyone,,ANYONE finding out. I was a virgin until around age 25. My first sexual encounter was with a man at a hotel in Toronto Canada. Of course I was drunk for this, how else could I gather enough courage to actually go through with it. It wasn't very good. But I just knew it was right for me and I also worse lingerie under my boy clothes. I couldn't seem to get aroused unless i was wearing women's lingerie. The idea of man on man sex repulsed and still does to this day. But if I was wearing lingerie it was the most normal thing in my life.

 

So, I spent the next 20 years drinking like a madman losing friends and jobs. Damn near losing my mind and my life a few times. I got beaten up a lot too. I was still secretly cross dressing but held a carpentry job. I was very masculine and acted macho to fit in. When I was 45 I hit my bottom. I realised I wasn't going to kill myself by drinking any time soon. I had lost my job and was practically destitute. I went to AA for a year or so and then I had an epiphany. I realised that in order to remain sober i had to let Mattie out of her prison. I spent the next 3 years getting myself to a place where I could safely transition. I had to relocate. By the time I was 48 I began my epic journey as I like to call it. I found a psychologist specializing in transgenderism and within 30 days began hormone replacement therapy and began living female. I was still drinking on and off but I wasn't trying to drink myself to death anymore. It was tough going the next 2 years, but I found a transgender support group in my area and I went every week for 2 years. In 2012 , 2 years after my initial transition, I underwent gender reassignment surgery at the Brassard Clinic in Montreal Canada and all to a smashing success. In 2013 I had my upper surgeries both breast implants and a nose job.

 

Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch. I have had  a few beers here and there but I haven't been seriously pissed to the gills since. I don't want to die anymore in fact I want to live forever as the beautiful woman I've blossomed into. 

 

I hope that maybe some of you can relate to my story and if it helps even just one person then this post has been worthwhile. Love, Light & Liberation brothers and sisters!

14581316_1603491969955607_3793519483356642558_n.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Trans Pulse Mattie.  I was 5 years sober when i finally came out of the closet and went full time.  I continue to go to AA meetings and while i don't find a compulsion to drink as an issue i also have realized that, for me, one drink could easily take me back to the pit the program has helped me climb out of.  I'm living a wonderful life as myself and simply no longer desire a drink despite a memory of the amazingly pleasant sensation of that first shot; burning a bit and then sending a warmth throughout my body.  I have learned that if i can avoid that pleasure today i will live another day of gratitude and beauty.

 

You look great and quite happy in your picture as yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Mattie!   Thank you for posting your story.  You look lovely.

 

Jani 

Link to comment
  • 7 months later...
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mattie.  Yours is a very inspiring story, and I''m very happy that things are finally on the right track for you.  I hope you enjoy the time you spend with us.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Mattie, it's a pleasure to meet you and to read your introduction.  Thank you for opening up and sharing some of the details of your journey.  You have endured some very difficult trials but it looks like you're on the right path.  I'm very happy you found us here and hope to hear more.

 

Warm Regards,

Susan R?,

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

I can relate on so many levels with your story please don't kill your self there are people who still love you

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

 

On 7/21/2018 at 11:23 AM, MarvellousMattie said:

Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch.

 

I tried everything to get off alcohol for years, but it wasn't actually until I was just about to start HRT, when I learned that the two don't mix that It became an easy choice for me. 

Link to comment

I tried to quite..even went to a couple of AA meets. But  I just cant stop. I hoping to pull a " Living Las Vegas", because if I am not drinking then I start down that long rode off depression and doubt , next thing i know I am on some  website which is not a healthily.  So I have a couple of shots after a long day and fall a sleep. The Alternatives, like cutting myself, sleeping with strangers, doing drugs out weight the results. Happy for all of you who can move on, but I rather drunk a bit then do the above.   

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Alex i had allowed the bottle to take me to a kind of hell before i was desperate enough to not only go to a meeting but to start working the program of AA.  The working word remains difficult for me.  I would prefer a couple of shots, a pill, shot or some other diversion from the issues in my life.  Instead i do my best to work the program i've found in the rooms of AA.  The benefits have gone well beyond a life of sobriety.  If you get tired of being sick and tired there is a path many of us have followed.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Alex,

While going to a couple AA meetings was a good idea, there are no quick fix solutions. Just two AA meetings will not keep us sober. We have the disease of alcoholism, and it takes a lifetime commitment to recover. Like we say in NA, "keep coming back. It works if you work it, and it won"t if you don't." And remember, alcohol IS a drug, period. 

 

As for the other things, there is never any shame in reaching out for help. Therapy, and/or a psychologist might do wonders.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment

Its interesting, I recently had an experience that I can totally identify with your statement:

Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch.

 

A little over a month ago, I had a weekend that I kept Laura "bottled up".  Instead, what I found myself doing was drinking so much that I had an accident at home (luckily, I didn't have to drive anywhere.), ended up severly cutting up my face, with blood everywhere and spent half a day in the ER.

This made me think back and realize that there is definitely a linkage between accepting Laura and not drinking.   Please do note, that as a wine afficianado, I do recognize a difference between sampling wine, having a glass or two, and drinking.  Yes, it's complicated...  

Link to comment

Ty everyone...But I don't think I have a problem. However, I will discuss this issue with my one of my therapist. Hugs to all. 

Link to comment

There’s nothing wrong with a drink even daily. Or even 2 if it’s not affecting anything else in your life. But the moment it starts to it is. Doesn’t sound like it really affects you negatively, actually semi-positively if those are the other options. But it does seem like it’s a crutch. I’d try to figure out why that crutch is needed and work on that. Sounds like you’d probably stop needing the shot or two if you can. Don’t let a crutch put you in a wheelchair. Not that it sounds like that’s a direction you’re heading as of now. ?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 143 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MirandaB
    • Ivy
    • KathyLauren
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...