Dysphoria and euphoria

[Aro]

As i lean back waiting on my sisters to finish their ten hour salon session listening to the chirps of crickets and feeling anxious about what i thought to be a dead roach not being on the floor where i last saw it right now, i can only think one thing. What a weird -censored- day.

 

Today started actually okay. I woke up early and felt fresh, i mean i didnt get up straight away but baby steps y'know. I eventually had my typical fatherly instinct of having a deep fear burned within me as i realized my pet beetle might be drowning its it's centimeter dish of water or worse, stuck on it's back!

 

She wasnt, she was fine but i felt good to know i managed to keep this weird little girl alive for so long. After staring at her teraniam for a moment i decided to clean up the mess which was desperately trying to bind inappropriately at twelve am where i, and i do not advise you to try, : had bruising and extreme hardships breathing after thirty seconds, used a pair of short shorts to wrap around my chest.

 

You see my hypothesis was that jeans are kinda stretchy so i supposed i'd breathe fine and kind of have a cute binder. After sobbing in my bed ands talking to myself while gasping for a good hour it became apparent that no, jeans are not good binder material.

 

Back to today though we went to the store, i felt okay ish leaving out. I was wearing a hoodie but my hair and my voice were kinda -censored- up my vibes but whats a guy to do about that. I shopped around joking about and having fun with my siblings before returning home and realizing.

 

"-expletive- the neighborhood block party is today!"

 

Im not the best at parties. Not good at socializing or starting topics or seeming interesting but having been isolates in my ten by eleven room for three years with the occasional hang out with my parents i decides to play social roulette because odds were it was better than that room. Besides, i had a game plan this time!

 

I lassoed up my pet beetle and plopped it on my shoulder figuring "hell yea this'll be a conversation starter". 

 

And she was, she met many children and adults that day and i happily explained what she was and ate and her terraniam. It was a fun experience as i attempted to become a more patient human trying to stop this beetle from falling and taking deep breaths as i let young children interupt my doodle time and sketch and wrinkle my note book pages. However while squating there watching my doodles get destroyed and breaking only a small sweat i felt like a cool older teen brother. 

 

A brother you'd look back at fondly but not too fondly. Not along the lines of "gosh he was great, i love him!" More along the lines of "He was a -censored- idiot but at least he wasnt a dickhead." . This made me smile as i realized how wonderfully average and lame of a dad i was gonna be at some point. Delightful!

 

As i was thinking this by chance the father of the two children scribbling in my book came to great me with an open hand thanking me for putting up with them. 

 

I greated him back and he asked about my art and boy oh boy how confused i was. He doesnt seem like a bad guy but its a work for fame kinda feel to it. 

 

Like he wants some art but doesnt want to pay but then again he isnt asking for anything new just a piece of art to throw up on his wall at an air bmb. After completely destroying the conversation making it as awkward as a middle age dad trapped in the body of a 14 year old girl body could be i excused myself thanking him and promising to get into contact with him at some point. 

 

I made it home and great. Post fun depression. I tried talking it off with my brother but that only went so far as i began to try watching videos to distract myself which ultimately led to me in the bathroom looking myself down with hatred.

 

What a dumb voice i have , i dont look masculine and what a -censored- moron i was at that party. It was a moment where the real me felt far too out of reach. Yea right sure you'll leave and study herpetology in germany and be a father or you'll just end up some washed up piece of -crap-.

 

I smashed my chest trying to bulk up and look better almost breaking down and thinking about choking myself again until the pain went away when i did something stupidly simple.

 

I stuffed my bed head into my cap and only let a small tuff out and all of a sudden something clicked. It was like looking future me in the face.

 

I strutted around a bit a smile creeping up my face as the very slight shadow of a mustache on my face allowed me to sort of see what future me would look like. 

 

I could picture myself hanging with a bunch of pals at my dorm in germany probably drinking one beer in the corner anxiously as they got -crap- faced and i wondered how much water and asprin is needed to cure a hangover but while id be a loser i was the real me. I could see myself sitting shirtless with a backwards cap and boxer briefs listening as they hooted and hollared and i was happy to be there.

 

I coukd imagine showing off black throat monitors and burmese pythons to many curious passer by's with a smile and i could even imagine dancing and having jam sessions with my son.

 

It's the little moments like those that really keep me pushing. The possibility of these dreams one day being a reality make sometimes dark thoughts dissapear and make life just the teeniest bit more worth living. 

 

Sure it'll be a long road and meine deutch ist nicht toll or meine deutch ist toll nicht or nicht toll is- you get the point alright and getting testosterone and dealing with bigotry and spite and college and all that wonderful -crap- will be hard but if that means having the job and family i want and finally being me, then thats worth it. 

 

For now ill just ignore those chest demons and pack my boxer briefs because i know at some point i wont need to do any of this anymore and at some point i'll allways be happy to look in the mirror.

[JJ]

Being trans can be a challenge for sure. Being young can also be challenging - add them together and it can be very difficult.

You sound like you are being wise about knowing that one day in the future everything you dream can happen.

In the meantime we're here to listen and help if we can.

One very important note on binding - there have been 2 studies done now

Both found that all binding does damage. There really is no safe binding BUT we can minimize the damage as much as possible as long as possible. Only use binders from well known manufacturers. If you cant get one go for athletic compression shirts by Under Armour. They look appalling by themselves but under a loose shirt actually do a good job.

Guys don't get judged on their chest. People don't look unless they have a reason. They do register cheat to hip ratio unconsciously but far more in judgment of male or female gender. If you bind tight you end up looking more female rather than more male because you make your chest smaller in relation to hips.

You also run the risk of rib deformity making a male looking chest some day impossible as well as not ever being able to bind again. Damage is often silent till it reaches a serious point.

Try the athletic compression shirts - only Under Armour works because they are made from a patented material that stretches four ways where offers stretch two. It's why NFL and MLB only use Under Armour.

Put a loose shirt over it with a pattern, especially pockets or logo etc. On the chest and no one will mis-gender you because of your chest. A lot of guys, even very young ones, have moobs anyway.

Keep dreaming

Johnny

[Aro]

2 hours ago, JJ said:

Being trans can be a challenge for sure. Being young can also be challenging - add them together and it can be very difficult.

You sound like you are being wise about knowing that one day in the future everything you dream can happen.

In the meantime we're here to listen and help if we can.

One very important note on binding - there have been 2 studies done now

Both found that all binding does damage. There really is no safe binding BUT we can minimize the damage as much as possible as long as possible. Only use binders from well known manufacturers. If you cant get one go for athletic compression shirts by Under Armour. They look appalling by themselves but under a loose shirt actually do a good job.

Guys don't get judged on their chest. People don't look unless they have a reason. They do register cheat to hip ratio unconsciously but far more in judgment of male or female gender. If you bind tight you end up looking more female rather than more male because you make your chest smaller in relation to hips.

You also run the risk of rib deformity making a male looking chest some day impossible as well as not ever being able to bind again. Damage is often silent till it reaches a serious point.

Try the athletic compression shirts - only Under Armour works because they are made from a patented material that stretches four ways where offers stretch two. It's why NFL and MLB only use Under Armour.

Put a loose shirt over it with a pattern, especially pockets or logo etc. On the chest and no one will mis-gender you because of your chest. A lot of guys, even very young ones, have moobs anyway.

Keep dreaming

Johnny

Thanks jhonny, i will keep this in mind and i did plan to get a proper binder after finding a job at some point anyway. I will look into the under armour, it does sound like a good idea especialky for dysphoria during workouts. 

 

Thanks for allways being a huge help.