Hello from Paige

[PaigeOnAForum]

Hi all,

First-- My thanks to whoever created and maintains this forum, it is very cool!

 

Introduction-- I am Paige.  I recently created an e-mail so I could sign up and read on forums like this. I'm on a journey, asking questions, and figuring out how gender identity works for me.

 

 

It is very weird to write about this. I would never share my feelings, my history, or my gender journey with other people in the real world, aloud-- other than with my partner-- and certainly not if I were logged in with my "real" e-mail. So it feels sort of dangerous and odd to write about it now, even where it is safe. (I'm on a private browser window, etc.)

 

So maybe a starter question: How do you get over the fear?

 

My partner recently asked me, "Do you want to come out, to friends, to people at work?" And the answer was "No, not at all." So they asked, "Why?" I think the answer is that I don't want the attention. I don't want people to feel they need to meet my need, honor or respect me by pronouns or not grouping me with a gender, or similar. I feel that if people knew, and felt they needed to make changes because of my preferences, they would resent me for that. So maybe I don't talk about it because I'm afraid.

 

So, even though I don't want to "come out", I find myself changing my behaviors, my energy, and how I present, cross my legs, tone of voice, etc. I don't want to "come out" , but I also am tired of maintaining a fake, outward persona. I want to talk and act like my real self, whatever that might be, or if I decide I am non-binary/fluid, then I want to act however I feel when I feel it. This means I ended up behaving differently at work--and I just sort of sit with that awareness, wondering what others think, and tasting how it feels.

 

Anyway, clearly working on things. I have a very supportive partner and I've built a life and career that mean all of this stuff is probably easier than what most people on here deal with. (My parents are hundreds of miles away, I don't have to worry about them, etc.)

 

Thanks for reading,

Paige

 

 

[Jani]

Hello Paige.  I understand it seems weird when you first start to explore your gender and reach out to others.  It will feel normal soon.  You are safe here as email addresses are not seen by others.  

 

You get over fear by letting it go.  Your partner's question is valid but you don't have to come out to everyone.  You can hopefully not come out at work, just your circle of friends.  Maybe just knowing your status would be good, friends don't have to gender you correctly if that would be weird to you.  

 

That you are changing your behaviors tells me you unconsciously do want to come out.  Talking with a specialist (gender therapist) might help you shine light on what you want or need to do.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  We'd love to hear from you.

 

Jani 

[VickySGV]

Just now, PaigeOnAForum said:

and felt they needed to make changes because of my preferences, they would resent me for that.

 

Change goes on daily in so many ways and whatever the change is, people are going to be uncomfortable with it.  There is actually a known pattern to how people react to change and how they resolve it. Resentment is part of ALL change not just yours and some might resent your changing the furniture in your house too.  You are going through that pattern now yourself, but others will go through it at a different starting point in time, and it will be the change and not you they will have trouble with, and if not you they will have other changes to deal with any way.

 

Welcome to the Forums.  It takes a while, but we make it! 

[Lexi]

Welcome Paige, 

 

  I love your name, super creative! I've been here only a few short days but in that time I've gained more insight than years of silently lurking in the shadows. 

 

I don't know if it's the same for everybody when it comes to "coming out" but for me it wasn't a choice anymore. It one day came out of me all on its own and there was no stopping it. It wasn't an emotional blowout or traumatic experience. Just... Was. 

 

I agree with the "don't go too fast or push yourself farther than your comfort.. I also agree with the" life starts at the edge of your comfort zone. 

 

Whatever you decide, whenever you decide it... xoxo

[Adaline]

Dear Paige,

 

My early attempts to be myself started off with small steps.  Mannerisms, body language, carring a purse (aka man bag).  At the time nobody knew my secret, not even my wife.  Somethings did seam a little odd to them but I’ve always been a unique person.  Take your time, move at a pace that’s comfortable.  Seeing a gender therapists is a great idea.  It’s completely confidential, their observations are not clouded by strong emotions and you can express yourself without fear of others reactions .  I was scared to death on my first visit but my therapist was able to help me sort through my feels and conflicting emotions.  I’m grateful for her assistance and am a happier person for it.

 

I hope you keep in touch.  I have found that just being able to express myself in a safe environment is helpful.  

 

Please be well. 

 

Adaline

[Charlize]

Welcome Paige.  For me fear disappeared as i learned to take a small step followed by another.  Transition takes time.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Paige,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

I've found desperation a huge motivator for getting past fear. But you need only go as fast as you want. You definitely don't need to treat this as a dash.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?