My first time in girl mode at work

[Adaline]

hi Jackie,

 

I feel such a connection to you and your experience has really helped.  It seams like we are following the same path, just that you have broken the trail, making it easier for me to follow.  

 

I’m curious about how your wife reacted when you first talked to her about being trans.  Did she take it well or look at it as some kind of betrayal?  Did she want to try and work it out or could see it was going to ultimately end the marriage?  At what point did it get to be too much for her?

 

I hope I’m not bringing up any painful memories and if you don’t want to say anything, just let me know.  The reason I ask is I’m trying to understand my situation in a greater context.  Many have said that I'm lucky to have such an understanding wife, and I am, but is this how it starts.  At first we try to work it out but eventually reality sets in and the gap is just to big to bridge?

 

It’s like you said, I need to be patient.  It’s a really bad time to transition at work.  I’m new to the job and I’m still trying to find my place.  I would like a few positive employee reviews before I feel comfortable making any moves.  If I can wait for work, I should be willing to wait for my wife.  I just need an outlet and a place to go to be myself.  Group gave me that, if I don’t have that, it gets harder.  

 

I’m hoping she reconsiders letting me join another group.  We will need to see.

 

thanks for being a listening ear.

 

hugs to you

Adaline

 

 

[jae bear]

7 hours ago, Adaline said:

If I can wait for work, I should be willing to wait for my wife.  I just need an outlet and a place to go to be myself.  Group gave me that,

 

Adaline you have it far more together than you think you do, kudos to you for recognizing this all important fact, it’s easy to miss, I certainly did.  I don’t mind talking about my experiences one little bit, that is precisely why I’m here doing my best to help those going down this path. I think you’re taking a very commonsense approach to your marriage and your workspace, and I think you’re doing a wonderful job with both, exercising caution, care and intuition.  I will say that when I came out to my wife she was  really very accepting, and she did a great many things to educate herself on the idea of a trans husband, or is she found it is commonly called a wasband. Unfortunately most of the material out there is rather negative and screams “get out now” to a great degree. Her  Friends didn’t want to sway her One Direction or another, which was very nice but eventually they voiced their opinion and I’m not positive but I do believe it was rather a negative view of “get out now”. My wife tried to triage the situation, she thought of moving to a new town and finding a new church, she really tried to wrap her mind around it. After she started going to therapy the question  that stopped her in her tracks was, “do you consider yourself a lesbian“ and “do you believe you can be a lesbian with your husband“? I believe this knocked a lot of wind out of her sails, and she came home from therapy in tears. I don’t think this is the exact reason she needed a divorce, I made a few terrible mistakes while trying to prepare the way to come out to my youngest daughter, I suppose if you look back into some of my old post you’ll see the horrific tale of how it fell apart rather quickly. The short of it is my daughter saw my medical records that showed I was transgender while I was trying to arrange the referral for her to get therapy. The idea was that we would tell her with her therapist after she had developed a good reputation with that therapist. Clearly this was short-circuited by my absentmindedness, it was a horrible mistake and could not be undone but that was the last straw  in my wife’s eyes, she asked for a divorce right then... Everybody’s experience is a rather unique, yours is going very well and I believe you’re handling it nicely, time is the key, my short-circuiting due to a horrifyingly bad mistake lost me the benefit of time. I think if your wife finds a sense of belonging inside the community to some degree it might  help tremendously, but remaining isolated will not be good for her, at the minimum she should be open to the idea of seeing a therapist, and if so I highly recommend a therapist of her own and possibly couples counseling as well but I believe you mentioned this already. The tough part for our wives is they believe they will be chastised for being upset at the loss of the man that married, and this is a real fear because sometimes they are chastised for having even the slightest negative attitude towards their trans spouse. It really is a shame that there isn’t an easy way to move our spouses through the process with us, but I know one thing, time is the key, the more time the better, and everyone here told me the same thing but I blew it by accidentally exposing paperwork that should never have been seen, what’s done is done and I am doing my best to support my wife and daughter and keep our family intact. Just for reference  my wife had 10 solid reasons to divorce me before I was  out as trans to her, no infidelity, but I was not a very nice person, I was constantly angry and depressed, not a good combination when you’re trying to love your family. Having a solid foundation for your marriage first is the best way to start, and gently easing your spouse through the process slowly and making sure she has plenty of support  is the best recommendation I could offer. If you feel like reading a tale of woe and seeing exactly how not to handle this, feel free to roll back through all of my old posts as it really spells it out quite graphically, it was a tough time for me but everyone here took me by the arms and kept me from landing on my face...  I find it rather interesting that now I’m the one offering some support here and there, and I could never have gotten as far as I have without them and without this forum.  I really wish there was a forum for spouses of transitioning partners, a safe space where our spouses could vent about the difficulties without feeling that they would be attacked or chastised, and others who have found a way through could help them through the low spots and show them hope. You and I have an amazing array of support and are shown signs of hope all the time, our spouses need something like this too, and quite often all they have is us, so we need to do the very best we can even if that means slowing down to help them through the process with us.

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Adaline]

Hi again,

 

big hugs to you.  Looking around the forum and seeing that you’ve been a busy girl.  Love your posts, it’s hard to believe you were once the one desperately needing advice, you are so good at helping others.  

 

Its funny how the “L” word is the thing that our wifes have the hardest time confronting.  Once that label is put upon them it changes everything.  I wonder if others have had the same experience?  I asked my wife recently if she considered me a woman.  She said she doesn’t consider me a man, but her conscience won’t allow her to think of me as female. So I’m just a person. I guess this is a step in the right direction.    Yet, there are other areas where there seams to be lillle problem.  When it comes to being intimate, we gave up penetration almost 9 months ago. It was emotional to difficult for me, thank god that HRT now makes it impossible. What we have now is what lesbians do and we both enjoy it so much more.  

 

Like you I was not always a good partner as a male.  I was always anxious and detached.  I drank and lied about it.  When my wife would occasionally find articles of female clothing, I lied about that too.  She got to the point that she would not even ask, I would just lie.  I was never abusive or cheated, I just lived a separate, secret life.  I think she sees a real difference in me since I came out, I’m hoping that she realizes that being myself is the best thing for our marriage and that letting Adaline be part of the relationship is the key.

 

Again, thanks for listening.  This is a wonderful forum and you are a beautiful woman.

 

many hugs

Adaline

[SugarMagnolia]

"Lesbian" has been the deal breaker for my wife. Not because she's anti-gay - she's very much NOT - but because she simply isn't turned on by women and so for her it's been a bridge too far. It's not the label as much as the experience for her. We're still good friends, but we're gradually separating. 

This is a tough one. It's super easy for us to say, "I'm still the same person", but no one really has conscious control over who they're attracted to and why. And once it's gone, it's very hard to get back. 

It's good that you're thinking about all the possibilities, Adaline! I hope your wife will continue on supporting you and loving you as a spouse, but it's important to be prepared for some setbacks and difficulties along the way. ❤️

Hugs,
Julie

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh Julie you said that very eloquently, it’s true, when our wives see us differently it’s often extremely difficult to win back that hard earned level of attraction. But love is a different story, attraction and love are vastly different, and what makes a marriage ultimately work is love, attraction is nice but simply gets the process rolling, marriage alone is rarely sustained by attraction.  Adaline I can very much understand what you mean when you describe the last nine months for you and your wife, I’ve been guilty of having L style intercourse since I started having relationships when I was 17, my first girlfriend left me because of this reason, my first wife cheated on me because of this reason  but my current wife has been a real trooper, she did her best to adapt, and found ways to enjoy us differently, but ultimately the idea being a lesbian or that she would be perceived as lesbian with me in public was not something she was interested in, it was just a bridge too far. I find it difficult  do you accept this simple answer she has given, but it’s true, and she’s right, it’s a bummer, but we’re finding our own way through the process even if our marriage is not staying intact.  Some days I think we will even be better than we once were while married, we care about each other greatly, and we go to great lengths to do things for one another when necessary, but isn’t that what really good friends do  for one another ?

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Adaline]

Hey girls,

 

thanks for the advice.  Keeping a marriage together through transitioning sounds almost impossible but I need to make this work.  I feel like I’m being forced to make a decision between me or my wife and my continuing answer is both.  This is why I keep putting off the decision and this is why I can’t get beyond the idea that there may come a point when It’s best to just remove myself from the equation.  I need to find a way to create a fourth option.  That fourth option means finding a balance, a balance between my faith, wife and my true-self.  My wife has been willing to make a lot of sacrifices.  She has given up on any type of traditional husband and wife relationship.  She’s not asking that I stop being female, just that I not present female in public.  She is willing to live the life of a lesbian as long as others are unaware of it.  Can I live with that?  When I had group, I really thought I could, but with it going away and not being able to join anywhere else, it seams less likely.   They say that a good marriage is one between two people willing to compromise.  My wife is willing to compromise but am I?  If this ends it really is my fault and I can’t blame anyone else.  We have been together for 20 years and I don’t want to be with anyone else.  For now I really just need to slow everything down and give it time.  Maybe the situation will resolve itself, if I could just give it more time.  That’s why I need to find some outlet for the need to socialize female.  So much has happened over the last year that I would have never thought possible.  I’ve gotten to a point where I feel good and don’t hate my body, at least not most of it.  Who knows where I will be in another year.  

 

Thanks again for listening. I really should not complain, others have it much worse than me.  Things are looking up, I guess I’m just impatient.

 

hugs

Adaline

[jae bear]

 Hey Adaline, 

 I think your idea of a fourth option is very good, whatever that’s going to mean for the future is up to you, and with time your wife may think differently and she does now about public presentation. I also agree that your idea to slow down for now is probably very wise, that was the mistake I made while bursting through barriers and paying no attention to what my wife saw. Exercising patience is the  hardest thing that I know how to do, I’m not very good at it. Continuing to work on your relationship with your wife first and enjoying your time with her in female mode in private is a gift you will not want to give up no matter what,  given time that relationship can grow...  I wish I had learned to be patient like you are, I honestly think you have the best shot of anyone right now because you clearly think through the ramifications before you act, you check in with your wife and talk it over with her, and then you choose patience over action, I just never had that, but you do. 

When my wife and I were thinking of joining a different church that was where I had one real opportunity, while my personal faith has no problem with my trans identity, my church is very strict on that subject. My wife and I had looked at joining an ELCA  Church that is perfectly accepting, I’ve gone to a couple and they’re really wonderful, it felt like home to me. Had we made this shift, my wife would’ve had some support even at church, and that might have gotten us through. I suppose it’s something to think about,  I have no idea if there’s an  accepting church near you, but it might be fun to check one out if there is...

 Hugs, 

 Jackie

 

 

[Adaline]

Hey Jackie,

 

Thanks again for the advice.  You said something the other day that has got me thinking.  You talked about looking at the transitioning experience from the other side, from the perspective of the spouse of a person transitioning.  I did this once before but only looked at experiences of those that were accepting of the changes, this time I looked at those where it didn’t go as smoothly,  You are absolutely correct, there are a ton of “get out now” messages.  My wife recently had to get a new primary doctor and while reviewing her history the subject came up, he didn’t say “get out now” but he was visibly surprised that we are still together. Anyway, getting to the point, what I noticed is that the vast majority started off with the attitude of acceptance and a desire to make it work but at some point the desire to transition becomes so strong that you can’t wait for your partner to catch-up.  I understand this need, you feel like you have been what everyone exspected you to be for your entire life, hiding yourself away, putting on a mask for all to see.  Now you are free, free to be yourself, free to take off the mask and let the world see who you really are, free to stop hiding.  Once you find that others feel the same way and you are not alone, that others are willing to support you and like you for who you really are the drive to get to the end of the process often leaves the other mate feeling like there feelings and needs, are not being met, that the relationship takes a back seat to the act of transitioning.  Many have said that they felt as though they were no longer included in the decisions and that the transitioning mate made decisions that affected the marriage without even talking about it.  I must admit that I’m guilty of this.  Even now I’m contemplating changing my gender marker.  Its rediculesly easy in PA and to finally be able to check the “F” box would mean the world to me, but I didn’t want my wife to tell me no.  You said it best, being the partner of a transitioning person puts them in a no win situation, it’s no wonder that so few make the journey.  

 

I’m trying to learn from the mistakes of others.  My wife has allowed me to physically transition.  I hope that I get gorgeous curves like you and if I do I’m not planning on hiding them.  Until then I need to suck it up and give her time.  

 

Hugs 

Adaline

[jae bear]

 Oh Adaline, oh dear sweet Adaline, you had my undivided attention, I was focused like a laser on your every word as I totally understand everything you’re saying, then you absolutely killed me and cracked me up with the curves comment !!!!  I’m still laughing it’s hard just to hold the phone straight !  Ha ha ha !

 I truly wish you could see one of the girls in my group who started transitioning in 2005, I’m doing just what she did by losing all of my boy fat, allowing myself to stay under weight for a few months, then allowing myself to come back up to my normal size, or maybe a touch more, it really doesn’t matter, most women aren’t skinny and I don’t feel like I need to be. The fact here being that her curves came back  precisely as they should for any female and I am so jealous it makes me grit my teeth !

 On a more serious note, you have hit every single important fact about partners of transitioning spouses and understood them so clearly I sincerely believe you have the opportunity to make this work. Being aware of the situation has to happen first, exercising self care has to happen at the same time,  and the pace at which our spouses can follow varies with the spouse and relationship. It seems to me your spouse is above the curve, checking in with her on every detail in the beginning like you have gives you the best chance for marital survival that I have ever personally witnessed...  One of the girls in my group has the most wonderful spouse, and your description reminds me of her so much, she and her transitioning partner are making their way through this together, she has been included in the decision-making process and understands what will happen as her spouse has now started HRT. This particular transitioning spouse has given her time and patience,   Doing what some of us find impossible, living in two genders to allow her spouse time to catch up. It seems they do everything together, even when they come out to friends or family members they do it together, a united front, a team, partners for life. I know others as well, but I know this pair best, and I see them as an amazing template for how this works, I myself should be regarded as a cautionary tale, I did not include my wife in the decision-making process at all, And moved forward at a supersonic pace.  please continue on your patient journey, I feel like you will be the big success story here, it’s so important not just for yourself but for others to see this can be accomplished and I myself and everyone here will be nearby to support you anyway that we can for the long-haul .

 Great big hugs, 

Jackie

 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, jae bear said:

you absolutely killed me and cracked me up with the curves comment !!!!

Hey!  You're the one who posted the photo.  If you got 'em, flaunt 'em.

 

Ha Ha! 

Jani

[jae bear]

6 hours ago, Jani said:

Hey!  You're the one who posted the photo.  If you got 'em, flaunt 'em.

 Oh my gosh, ha ha ha ha, I know I posted that, believe it or not it’s gotten worse!  I was trying to get my workout pants off and it was impossible, I have to untie them and loosen them all the way now just to get them off my hips. Honestly it doesn’t feel like my hips are that wide, It is just that they weren’t wide at all before, just straight from the top to the bottom...  One of the girls in group I go to was doing exactly what I’m doing now, she kept losing weight until she was mildly underweight, and held it there for several months, once she started eating normal and allowed herself to slowly put on a little weight she eventually achieved an extremely female shape, to see her inspires feelings of extreme jealousy!  I certainly hope it works as well for me over the next few years. 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Adaline]

Jackie

 

Your comments mean the world to me.  One of the things I hate about being AMAB, is being unable to access my emotions.  I feel closed in, almost like watching the evening news, the events are emotionally charged but I’m a million miles away from where they are happening.  I want to feel and I want to cry, not because It would make me feel more feminine but because I need that release.  So far HRT has not really given me this, I think it’s coming but the feelings are still so distant.  Your comments though brought me to tears and for this rare gift I want to thank you.

 

As much as I hate the idea of living in two worlds, if it gives me the best chance of keeping my wife I’m willing to try and hold out.  It will not be easy and I’m sure I’m going to make some colossal mistakes but she is worth the effort.  Thank you for understanding and reassuring me that love is something worth waiting for. 

 

By the way, I would really like to hear more about this weight thing.  I’ve never heard of it before and am super interested in how it works.

 

Lots of hugs

Adaline

[jae bear]

 Hey  Adaline, 

  If HRT does any one thing for most of us, it does open up the emotional pathways, and sometimes it takes longer for others and sometimes it’s nearly right away, everyone experiences this a little bit differently but you are clearly on your way. I think about you quite often, I think of all the things you’re doing right all the things I wish I could have done the way you are doing now, you’re a smart girl you know, I’m not exaggerating when I say I believe you’re going to be the one to do it right. Sometimes I laugh at myself thinking a year or so from now people will be contrasting Adaline and Jackie,  One the template for success and the other a cautionary tale, Ha ha ha, if I end up putting on too many pounds once I let up from dieting I guess I’d be the cautionary whale! It really impresses me that you seem to already know so much of the importance of helping your wife through this process, I had no clue,  I had come unglued and was flying by the seat of my pants at a million miles an hour, not the best way to keep my spouse in the loop or consider her feelings along the way. So much of what I read when you describe your wife and the life the two of you have together makes me feel a little bittersweet for myself and my wife, it’s not that we don’t love each other, it’s not  that we want to be friends, but we don’t have any more anniversaries to celebrate unless of course I do it anyway just despite what the divorce papers say!  At any rate I’m pulling for you, I’m praying for your marriage and for your wife, and sending all the positive energy I have in your direction every time I think about you.  when you speak  about your feelings, the words I read and understand are filled with wisdom, there must be something magical when you get to 20 years of marriage that you don’t get when you only reach 15, or maybe it’s just me, well who are we kidding yeah it’s just me ... I find myself waiting for news from you about your wife’s next steps, her new realizations, her new acceptance of different facets of Adeline. In such a short time span she’s come so far, but you have a lot to do with this, you’re so patient, I guess it’s because you love her so much, you must be one of the spouses who thinks about her spouse first and her self second, I often wish I was someone like that, maybe someday I will be.

 Until then continue on your path, your emotional release will come, and sometimes it will come when you don’t think it’s very convenient, ask anyone to hear about that stupid farmers insurance commercial, gets us every time !

 Great big hugs,

Jackie

 

[Adaline]

Jackie,

 

Thank you again for the encouragement.  I feel that sometimes you are to hard on yourself, what happened to you and your wife happens to many.  Growing up and having to suppress our femininity is like shoving a spring in a box.  Finally, the box is opened and the spring flys out bouncing all over the room.  I’m not different, I’m just trying to open the box more slowly.    I’m doing this not just for my wife but for me as well.  I can’t go through another situation where I almost lose everything.  The urge for self-harm is always there and the best way to prevent it from happening is to build and maintain a feeling of safety.  Finding a balance in my life is the key.  When you told me about your daughter finding your medical records, I was like OMG, I leave those sitting around all the time.  I don’t have kids but if someone visiting happened to see them my only hope is that they have no idea what MTF transitioning means.  

 

Maybe part of my approach is that I’m not proud to be trans.  The simple truth is, I should have been born a girl.  It’s just as simple as that.  Coming to grips with being trans is a similar process to my accepting my dyslexia.  When I was young it was diagnosed and I was transferred to special classes and put on the special bus.  I didn’t think anything of it, it didn’t matter to me, but it seamed to matter to everyone else.  Overtime, I became ashamed of it and would try to hid it from others at all cost.  The years of hiding, the embarrassment and the shame eventually lead to a breakdown.  Through therapy, I learning to accept it and to appreciate the unique perspective it gives me in life.  That uniqueness has been a major asset in my career and has given me a compassion for others that I would not have otherwise.  Still, I don’t run around carrying a sign saying “proud to be dyslexic”.  It’s the same with being trans.  I had feelings, I didn’t think anything of it, others told me it was wrong and I started to feel awful. I got caught in my early teens, I learned to hide it better and the shame grew.  I though marriage would cure it, it didn’t.  Tried everything stupid and dangerous thing I could think to feel like a natal woman the desperation and shame grew.  Tried drowning the feelings in alcohol, they didn’t go away they just got worse.  Had another breakdown.  Now I’m going through the rebuilding process trying to keep the things that really matter.  I’m just a trans girl, I’m learning to accept that.  It gives me a unique perspective and makes me more compassionate to others.  I don’t want to change the world, I just want to be me.  I want to have my feelings respected but I feel that it’s equally important to respect the feelings of others.  I don’t feel the need to carry a “proud to be trans” sign I still just want to be an ordinary girl.  If others want to champion the cause, more power too them, there fighting for all of us and doing something they believe in, I still just want to be an ordinary girl.  

 

I hope I didn’t offend you or anybody else that may be reading this.  If you transition, detransition, or are cis, I’m happy for you and hope you find what you need, I just want to be a girl on the outside like the one i’ve always been on the inside.  I’m learning that, it’s not a bad thing, I just need my wife to make the journey with me.  Maybe because I went through the process before I can be a little more patient now.  

 

Jackie, thank you again for being the listing ear.  You are truly a special person.  I’m sorry the situation with your wife didn’t workout like you wanted but you are such a beautiful woman and your wisdom and advise is always what I need.  I’m too old, and your to good looking, to think of you as my mother but I’m so happy to think of you as a big sister. That’s not a fat joke, believe me I would kill for your curves.

 

Thank you again.

 

hugs and love 

Adaline 

[jae bear]

 Hey Adaline, 

That’s a really good description, a spring in a box, I never thought about it like that, opening that lid slowly makes a lot of sense doesn’t it?  So many of us grew up with the shame of knowing we were different, I find it hard for me to believe that happened even though I knew half a dozen of my own friends were regularly cross dressing, and my best friend was gay even if he wasn’t open about it. I was so worried about what everyone else thought that I suppressed myself,  I think we all do this before we come to terms with the reality of our gender. I feel exactly the same way you do about just being an ordinary girl, I just wanna blend in, if I walk by you in the mall the only thought I want you to have is “there Goes somebody’s mom”... Oddly enough I think I already get this a little bit, even though my ability to pass is not  fantastic, it just seems to be good enough. And for those times I don’t pass, I probably don’t realize it, and for those times people notice that I don’t don’t pass and I realize it I don’t really care. I don’t know if I’m proud to be trans or not? I’ve come to the point where I do actually enjoy coming out to people, I did come out yesterday to one of my clients and he was really wonderful about it. We talked about it for a couple hours until he really had to go home because his wife was going to want to know where he was. We laughed about the fact that he would have one heck of a story to tell her when he got home. For the most part that’s been my experience, more welcoming souls than I could’ve imagined, and the ones that aren’t terribly welcoming seem to tolerate things well.  I sincerely don’t think you offended anyone whatsoever, I thought what you had to say was absolutely on point, it’s honest it’s how you feel, and many feel exactly the same way including myself. Maybe someday I’ll feel like I’m proud to be trans, but I’m either ashamed nor proud at the moment, I’m just trying to be myself, like you. Being true to ourselves is very important, we haven’t allowed ourselves to understand who we are for most of our lives, it’s time isn’t it? 

 I feel good the young people today can actually have the freedom to some degree to be open about themselves, and actually be proud to be trans, this new generation will be interesting to watch growing up, we’ve come so far and yet so much negativity is directed towards us from unyielding closed minds. Compared to just 10 or 20 years ago we’ve come a long way, and in another 10 or 20 years it will most likely be rather shocking how much farther we’ve come, but I still will be completing daily about something, complaining is too much fun and if it were an Olympic event I would win gold !

 Again you absolutely crack me up with the curves comment,  and beautiful? Now you’re just buttering my biscuit honey!  Ha ha ha ha !  I worked really hard to get those pictures looking good, I wish I could snap a picture and have it look like that all the time, but there’s probably 10 more selfies that didn’t make the cut and some carefully planned filtering to get just the right lighting, don’t forget when taking selfies to hold that camera as high as you can so your chin doesn’t show ! Ha ha ha, fat jokes don’t bug me at all, I would be quite content to just be a chubby girl, but that’s not really my lot in life, and thankfully I don’t have to be attracted to myself, I just have to be me.

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

Maybe part of my approach is that I’m not proud to be trans.

You don't have to be proud but you should accept who you are, just as you learned to accept your dyslexia and adapt. 

 

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

I don’t want to change the world, I just want to be me.

This is all you should be concerned with.  Making yourself happy.  By doing that you will be perceived as someone people would like to get to know.  Kind people are attracted to other kind people.  And happiness begets happiness.  

 

You don't have to be an out and proud advocate.  Its not a requirement!   You can get your wife on the journey with you by being as honest and open as possible.  And be considerate of her needs and fears.  I never went faster than my wife could absorb.  I was surprised at times when she wondered aloud why I wasn't doing xx.  She'd tell me its OK, I don't mind.  

 

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

I’m too old,

I don't recall reading how old you are Adaline but there is no such thing as being too old to be yourself!   I know women in their 70's that have transitioned and live happily.  Any one can do it.  Think positive thoughts! 

 

Cheers, Jani 

[jae bear]

 Hey Adaline, 

I’ll start off with saying that I had a fantastic day today, I went to FFS consult  and had my socks blown off, I can have everything I want and I can totally afford it, there isn’t a thing I can’t have and there were things they recommended I didn’t even think about !  I’m so excited about it all I’m quite euphoric!

I Scurried over to the group meeting through traffic as quick as I could, and I was only 11 minutes late, I quietly opened the door sat down and listened to one of my friends talk about some tough times that she’s recently experienced. I listened to everyone have their turn to talk and we discussed many different things but I noticed one thing in common with every single person that talked, they all explained they felt exhausted by the experiences they were going through. Finally I was the last person to have something to say, And I wanted to tell them how wonderful my FFS consult was,  and I thought a little bit about your words, and whether or not I thought I was proud to be trans, it took me a minute coming back to the topic twice, but I determined I am proud to be trans, to a degree, and in a way that has an important meaning to me. I’m proud to be trans because of the hard work that has to be achieved in order to be so, I’m proud to be trans because so many others Have had to do the same and much harder work to achieve their goals, I’m proud to be trans because today this is something that can be achieved without bankrupting an individual depending on the insurance you have, and I’m proud to be trans because at the core that’s who I am, and I’m proud of me...

 So I ended up boiling it down very simply, I am proud of myself, I am trans, therefore I am proud to be trans.  It took me a while to come to this conclusion that without your words I would not have thought to tackle these ideas!  I don’t feel like I put it in anyone’s face, my idea is to simply blend into the background, being upfront in anyone’s face is not in my nature. However I can be proud in my own way, even if my pride is quiet .  In that way I am also proud of you, for becoming aware and doing something about it, finding a direction and traveling a path takes guts, and you’ve got what it takes, because your trans.  I’m proud of your strength and your ability to recognize who you are, I kind of think you should be proud to, even if it’s just proud of yourself. 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Cyndee]

Congrats Jackie on your FFS consult, sounds like you are getting things lined up, that's what it takes !

 

None of this is easy, it's not convenient, nothing is a given, and it's a lot of chasing to get what you want

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

 

 

[Kirsten]

I am glad you are proud to be yourself Jackie! That’s all that adds up to anything for me. How you show that is a personal choice. That’s part of being proud of yourself. Not everyone wants to or needs to “change the world”. But every person does make a difference. You may say you want to just blend in and be a regular old girl, but here on this forum you are a lot more than that. You are an inspiration to many other people, myself included. You stand out more than you know I think. Being able to go out as yourself is amazing on its own and who knows how many people that affects. Kids scared to be themselves, other trans people scared to come out, maybe gay people afraid of the backlash too. Anyone really. 

So even if you think you’re the quiet proud girl that’s not in others faces with your message, you do touch peoples lives for the better every day. And that is more than enough reason to be proud! Trans or not. 

I’m happy to hear your consult went so well too!!! That’s great news!! 

❤️Kirsten

[SugarMagnolia]

I completely agree with you, Kirsten! 

Jackie, you're amazing and while you may blend in certain ways, your joy, compassion and resilience will always shine through. I'm so glad to hear that your FFS consult went swimmingly and that you're able to feel proud of yourself in the way you described -- proud of ALL of you!

Hugs,
Julie

[Jani]

11 hours ago, jae bear said:

I’m so excited about it all I’m quite euphoric!

That always makes for a good day.  I hope the feeling lasts all through today as well.  

 

Jani

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh thank you,  all of you ! I’m definitely riding a wave of high today, surfing this wave is going to be fun!  It was my wife’s birthday today and I got her a card and a couple of gift cards for Panera bread and Starbucks then gave it to her this morning and sang her happy birthday! I must be visibly super happy because she asked me “what’s up with you happy pants“, it’s hard to describe but I feel wonderful. Sunday morning I have a date with  my new electrologist, so I need to get that process rolling as hard as possible and make sure I have plenty of budget, I’m planning on driving for lift and Uber soon, That will really help out with all of my out-of-pocket expenses, plus I get to have an excuse for a slightly newer minivan so I’m feeling Awesome about that prospect as well, I’ll sell my two older green minivans to cover about half the cost of the newish one, I don’t know why but minivans are so unpopular they are so cheap it’s crazy, I love them, but then again what momma bear wouldn’t?

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

PS I wonder if mombear is available for a personal license plate?

[Adaline]

Jackie,

 

That is such awesome news.  I’m sooo happy for you I can barely stand it.  I’m attending a conference in Harrisburg and it was almost killing me that I didn’t have a single opportunity to reply.  With curves and the new look, watchout world here she comes..

 

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.  You are the best.  You have every right to be as proud as you can be.  This is your day, own it.

 

Hugging you and beaming with joy,

Adaline.

[Adaline]

On 8/16/2018 at 11:22 AM, Jani said:

You can get your wife on the journey with you by being as honest and open as possible.  And be considerate of her needs and fears.  I never went faster than my wife could absorb.

Dear Jani,

 

Thanks for the the words of advice.  I’m so happy that it worked out for you.  Can you tell me, was your wife accepting right from the beginning or resistant to the changes?  How long did it take her to catch up?  Where there any set backs or obstacles you needed to overcome?  

 

I’m really interested in your story.  I feel there will be a point where my wife draws a line in the sand and that will be that.  If that happens, I’m not sure what I to do.  Will I move on without her, or will I give up an important part of Adaline’s life to stay together?  Right now the later seams more likely, but can I live with that?  I’m willing to take my time and there are so many things to do before then. I want to get electrolysis done, learn how to do my makeup without looking like bozo the clown, let HRT do more of its magic and a few other things before I think of going full time.

 

Thanks for helping a girl out.

 

hugs 

Adaline

[Jani]

Adeline she was understanding.  Acceptance is harder as it all sets in and become reality.  I was focused about rattling her so I would not dress when she was home.  One day she came home from work and asked why I wasn't?  When I told her I didn't want to bother her, she said it was ok.  She would go shopping with me from the beginning so I was somewhat perturbed but we're all different.  She did realize when we were out that no one paid much attention to me so that seemed to calm her.  Again take it slow. Don't push her too hard. You don't want any lines in the sand.

 

Jani