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My first time in girl mode at work


jae bear

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 I’ve had a lot of firsts lately and yet here’s one more, I went to work today in girl mode just minus the make up. Honestly wasn’t that much different than what I’ve been doing for weeks, just jeans and T-shirt, some hightops and that’s it, but no one at work ever noticed before, until today. There was a bit of a difference even if small, I still had  my cute purple nail polish on, and instead of two handfuls of moose holding my hair down in Male mode it was fluffy and loose and flipped out in the back almost to the edge my shoulders. I was wearing my stretchy fabric bra which was intended to hold things down and hide certain attributes, but what it really did was make things for less of a scene and round out my features, great for girl mode but detrimental for boy mode. I didn’t have my key ring with me since the pockets on the mom jeans I love so much are tiny so I just had my car keys in my pocket, so I went around the back rollup door Entrance to the warehouse and headed to the back shipping area. I saw the shipping manager and head for him so I could check to see if there was any specific manufacturing needs for the products I work with, and I thought I’d be a little funny with him so I walked up behind him while he was busy and said in my most perfect 220 Hz  pitched girl voice, “excuse me sir do you work here“? 

 He turned and said “I’m sorry can I ....  Holy crap “! And we both laughed out loud, then the head machinist turned the corner and headed our direction with my back turned to him, and as I looked directly at the shipping manager I heard the lead machinist start making up some BS manufacturing question that made him seem important, and the shipping managers jaw was still open,  and his eyes met mine we both knew the machinist was there to see this girl that walked into the shop. With a mile wide grin on my face I turned around and said “Hey what’s up“? And the machinist stared at us both for a second until he realized it was just me, and he stammered a bit trying to figure out what it was supposed to say, before I could say it the shipping manager blurted out “holy xxxx,  he’s a girl now ‘! And I felt like correcting him and saying yes I’m a girl but get your pronouns right, but instead I took the opportunity to say something about not using my dead name anymore and just calling me Jackie...  i’m finding I really love the attention I receive, I don’t know if it’s good or not, but it might be working in my favor since I’m absolutely not anxious in the slightest. Humor is such an important part of transition, I can’t imagine spending the next two years in hard-core transition without the ability to find so much humor and ways to mess with my fellow coworkers, friends or family  and still make it through to the end with my sanity intact. I never thought I’d have so much fun during transition, as it certainly wasn’t presenting very perfectly today, I had to go to electrolysis at lunch so I had a face  Full of stubble, and I even went shopping this way after work, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I worried so much about all these little details I thought I would have to stop and not allow myself to be my only true person in public until everything was just right, how could I possibly have been so wrong? I would’ve missed out on so many fantastic punchlines!

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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It certainly sounds like your having fun!  It also sounds like great acceptance from at least some coworkers.  I found that over time pronouns were the hardest and folks continued to slip for some time.  That has changed as well and i rarely hear the wrong pronoun.  

It is just a wonderful journey.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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 Ha ha! hey Charlize! 

 I was having a lot of fun at their expense yesterday, the shipping manager is almost 70 years old so pronouns are going to be tough for him but he doesn’t mean anything by it, he often makes comments that are just way out there and I know it’s because he’s older and doesn’t understand a lot of these things but at the same time he is probably the nicest person to me in the shop. He was in my office later that day and I reminded him again at the very least if he didn’t mind using Jackie or Jae instead of My dead name, he said he would do his best but didn’t want to upset me, and I assured him I totally get it and sometimes I slip with pronouns too and I’m terrible with names so we would work on this together. He was unsure how things worked as he thought that people in transition had to wait until after the bottom surgery was finished to present or use different names, but that’s only because he has no idea how all this works, as honestly most people who are not trans or  have trans friends don’t get it.  I assured him that I didn’t have to wait until my broken little marshmallow down there was origamied inside out to be able to present or know who I am and use my name, and we laughed so loud we disturbed people in the reception area!  The head machinist is back to not being able to look me in the eye but it won’t take long till he’s OK again, he’s a really good guy, sometimes he’s just shy with new people and I think what he sees these days is something different all the time and doesn’t know quite what to make of it, however he’s great with pronouns and has a lovely sense of humor but rarely uses it in my direction since he is so worried he might offend me. I really enjoyed being out at work, it just feels so right,  people at work have been telling me that I seem so much happier, and I’m pretty sure they’re right. 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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You rock, Jackie!

Your positive attitude, sense of humor and ability not to take yourself TOO seriously will definitely win hearts and minds. Having seen your recent pictures, I'm not at all surprised that that machinist didn't recognize you. Keep slaying, girl!

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Hi Jackie,

Wow! I almost feel like a parent having watched their child grow up in fast motion. Not that we're parent and child, it's just what I've watched transpire with you since you've arrived here. 

 

I remember when you arrived, just sneaking out of your closet, unsure if you could ever go through transition. You'd post about how envious you were when others were living as their true selves. And now look at you! I am so happy for you! I'm watching you blossom into a beautiful young woman! Now you are the inspiration. Others can read the history of your posts and get tremendous encouragement. What a gift you have been to these forums! Thank you.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Haha! That is SUPER NEWS!!! I totally get the humor part. You have to be able to laugh at yourself for sure. Plus it helps everyone else too I think. 

Thats next week for me! At least partially. I don’t wanna spend a bunch of money on female work clothes that I’ll just grow out of. (Especially since I’m really hoping to move to an office job)  But whatever I have I’ll wear. ?

On 7/31/2018 at 2:27 AM, jae bear said:

 I worried so much about all these little details I thought I would have to stop and not allow myself to be my only true person in public until everything was just right, how could I possibly have been so wrong?

This. This is what I say every day now. My facial hair still bothers me some. But whatever. You be happy with yourself, have full confidence, and be able to laugh at the rest and you’re golden. Only that very small % of the public that hates people anyways is gonna have issues. The rest of us just live our lives and move forward. 

So so happy for you hun!! 

Kirsten 

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Hey T wolfie and Kirsten!

 I know!   I’ve been thinking about what a short time It has been since I got here, and how scary everything was, how I knew I was falling apart but didn’t know what to do. I think the hardest part was looking in the mirror every day not seeing anything different whatsoever, all I could see was that fat straight slab sided male body That appeared it never had a chance to be female. It’s not like I’m full of curves or anything, but after losing some weight and being on estrogen for close to 17 months I’m no longer straight slab sided or nearly as fat as I used to be, And I’m continuing to lose weight all the time. Having stubble is very dysphoric, but workable, I will most likely Skip the make up and wear a nicely colored boy T-shirt  on those few days I need to until electrolysis is complete, but that leaves nearly 60% or more of the next year solidly in girl mode, I can live with that!

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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I'm so glad you mentioned a time frame Jackie. I've been on HRT for 3 1/2 months and although I can see some changes beginning sometimes I question if it's my imagination or not. I look forward to continuing to read more about your journey, as I continue mine. 

Hugs & Smiles, 

Julie J 

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I don't know what you mean by you don't have curves.  That photo shows curves!  ...and hips!

 

Jani

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Ha ha ha!!! Jani you always slay me!  I do feel like I have some curbs just not Jessica rabbit style stuff!  And I’m glad that melting off the boy fat is showing up a little bit of girl figure underneath, it’s a welcome sight after all this time. I purchased a bra from the leading lady website a little bit ago and I’m certainly hoping it holds all the chubby side boob in quite tightly To narrow up my chest a little bit And squish a little something farther forward if at all possible. They have a 25% off for new purchasers using coupon code welcome25, I had to sign up for their newsletter to get it but anyone can use the coupon code. They also had free shipping which I thought was great, so I think I only paid 28 or $29 for a nice bra that should fit quite well. The same bras on eBay we’re typically 35 or $40 and every time I try to order one and the seller would tell me that it was out of stock,  as I now realize they’re simply buying them from leading lady directly and reselling them as a direct shipment from leading lady. I’m going to go try and hunt down one more pair of my favorite Lee rider mom jeans on eBay, and tomorrow I’m going to get my nails done at the salon since I got for T-shirts at Michael’s today, I didn’t get the awesome purple heather color I wanted because they were completely out but I did get a very nice blue Heather,  and dark red while I was there. I can’t decide if I want sparkly magenta nails or maybe just sparkly red nails to go with that shirt until this weekend, I’m planning to wear a light blue T-shirt this weekend and I was thinking light blue metallic frost nails would look good with it, but I’m never positive as I always lean toward something a little bit purple 

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Slay you?  Here you go!   ?  

 

Jessica Rabbit?  I would hope not.  Besides, She's not bad, she's "only drawn that way!" 

 

Getting a little flashy with the nails, huh?

 

Jani

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 Ha ha Ha ha ha !!!!! I definitely liked the nail salon experience, and for 10 bucks I don’t feel it’s too much for something a little nice. Did little research on matching nail colors to clothing and realized matching is not a good idea, I’m thinking about a pearl or maybe metallic fuchsia to work with the red and blue shirts,  I also wear purple all the time so metallic fuchsia would be pretty universal, too bad Michael’s didn’t have the fuchsia T-shirts I wanted but then I’m back to matching aren’t I?  My wife won’t give up her years of nail polish color knowledge even though I asked tonight, all I got was a smirk and a smile, she thinks it’s funny so I’m glad I can provide some humor. I think she enjoys seeing me struggle in her world, but at the same time I don’t think she enjoys seeing so much gender change going on, although she’s been very nice to me lately so I can’t say too much other than  it’s been a pleasure to hang out with her lately. Maybe someday we will go to the salon together!

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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I really like the magenta color I picked out for my nails, although I don’t think I would choose gel again since it’s so hard to get off, I’m going to have to go back to the salon to get it off otherwise I risk damaging my nails. The gel is quite pretty, and really tough, but I could get my nails done twice as often and get the nail polish off whenever I needed to at home...  my wife did warn me not to get gel, I guess I should’ve listened as she is almost always right, well 99.9% of the time she’s right, it’s really annoying in reality, I wish she was wrong little more often!  I went to group support last night and I wore my dark heather red T-shirt, a color I wouldn’t normally choose for myself but I got a lot of good compliments and after taking a selfie in the corner of the kitchen I realized I really like it. I may actually wear this again when I go antiquing with some friends this weekend, I’m dying to find a decent purse and get rid of my tactical bag,  and with all the nice comments about red being a good color for me I’m excited to see what my friends have to say! While I was waiting around outside the hallways before group started and after group ended I just assumed everyone walking by clocked me,  honestly I didn’t care, I’m in an “I don’t give a rip” mood anyway, I’m just having fun being me, but once I got home and took that selfie I thought, “ I really don’t look too terrible, maybe I am passing and just don’t realize it “? At any rate I feel like I want to fully reject boy mode entirely, passing or not, and I just can’t wait till FFS finally arrives. I have my FFS consultation on the 16th of this month,  and my favorite people in the whole world are going with me for support, it’s going to be hard to be patient just to get to the consultation in a couple weeks, waiting another 10 months to a year for surgery seems like a lifetime, but I am certain just as I have said before about a great many other things including operating in girl mode,  I bet I will mention how fast it seems to have happened! I’m seriously considering going back and digging through my early posts here to see if I said anything like this about where I am now, it would be interesting to see what the reality versus my insecurities at the time really are!

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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It’s been a while since I’ve done gel nails, but I’m 99% sure there’s a removal kit for them. If I recall it’s got something to do with little tin foil wraps. And once they sit for a few minutes it literally just peels off like nothing. I’ll check and see if I have any at home and post you a pic if I do. ?. And I think they look so cute! 

As far as passing, I think you look great! Most people would see you as female imo. And honestly it’s all about you. If you’re confident and happy you’re all set! I don’t “pass” like at all. But it doesn’t stop me. I am proud of my look. Male female or otherwise. Keep that don’t give a rip attitude girl! 

Kirsten

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 Hey Kirsten, 

Yeah I saw how to remove them, You start by lightly sanding off the top surface of the gel to take the gloss off of it then soak a cotton ball in acetone wrapped with tinfoil to contain everything, put that on each nail  and wait , you really need to soak the cotton ball and then let everything set for 20 or 30 minutes. Then the entire gel finishe is supposed to slide off in one piece when you remove it, I haven’t tried it yet but I think it’s very probable this will work.

 I suppose it’s just my own insecurity thinking I don’t pass, and honestly I don’t think anyone pays attention, and by virtue of not paying attention I’m not getting clocked, which in essence means that I passed!  The only person I noticed clocking me was some hypersensitive Asian man that was causing a scene, and he wasn’t worried about much of anything except the fact that I had fingernail polish on, and that was somehow freaking him out when I stood in line at Michael’s to buy some T-shirts. I lightly chuckled at him and locked eyeballs with him and he put his head down with his arms straight to his sides and did not move until he was able to get to the next cashier, So I just figured he was a weirdo anyway and not worth my mental energy!

 Hugs,  

Jackie 

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On 8/2/2018 at 1:18 AM, jae bear said:

My wife won’t give up her years of nail polish color knowledge even though I asked tonight, all I got was a smirk and a smile, she thinks it’s funny so I’m glad I can provide some humor. I think she enjoys seeing me struggle in her world, but at the same time I don’t think she enjoys seeing so much gender change going on, although she’s been very nice to me lately so I can’t say too much other than  it’s been a pleasure to hang out with her lately. Maybe someday we will go to the salon together!

 Hugs, 

Jackie,

 

You look great.  I’m 4 months on HRT and it feels like almost nothing has really changed.  Except the boy noise in my head. Seeing you gives me hope that this will change with time.  I wanted to ask about your wife, has she been supportive or is this just something she tolerates, kind of like a necessary evil?  My wife feels that physical transition is a medical necessity but forbids social transiting.  Was this the case for you?  If, so, what changed?  The reason I ask is my wife also refuses to help me with figuring out makeup, clothes or whatever.  At first, I thought she was worried that if I could pass I would be more likely to go out in public, but she said that was not it.  She just doesn’t want to be involved.  She says that girls don’t talk about these things much but that’s not what I have observed, so I really don’t know the real reason. Maybe you or someone else has a little insight or suggestions on the matter.  I found a woman that shows trans woman how to do makeup, it’s a little pricey but I think it would be worth it.  

 

Anyway, I loved your exsperiance and super glad things went well at work. I was living vicariously the whole time I was reading it.

 

Hugs

Adaline

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47 minutes ago, Adaline said:

I found a woman that shows trans woman how to do makeup, it’s a little pricey but I think it would be worth it.

You can check out the Sephora store at the local mall or any major department store (Macy's, Dillards, etc) that has make up section.  Oh, check out Ulta as well.  They are all generally open and accepting.  They want your business.  And what woman can't resist taking about makeup and sharing tricks and tips.  You can always call first.  I believe Sephora may offer sessions before the store opens to do make overs.  If you don't mind buying a little product I think the cost is minimal if not free.  Make a few calls.  

 

Jani

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 Hi Adaline, 

My wife feels very much the same way,  it’s just too much for her to watch me change, and while I am starting to pass while I am out in public I know she would prefer I didn’t do it right in front of her or for that matter anywhere her friends might see me. It’s not just my wife or your wife there is a huge social stigma, and by association our wives have to bear just as much disapproval as we do, and as you are going to find there is little or no support for our  spouses, however there are huge volumes of rather negative writing from other spouses about partners that transitioned.  My best advice is to go easy on her, taking slow and careful steps while checking in with her to get a temperature check, but at the same time you cannot allow her unwillingness to allow your change to stop you from transitioning, Time is the only thing that seems to work, yet it is  not always enough. While my wife and I are are going through a divorce, it does not mean we do not love each other, or that we do not support each other or watch out for one another, our relationship and teamwork have changed and while our marriage may not have survived a new relationship is just beginning and will take time to form into something more of a friendship.  I recommend the book from Helen Boyd “she’s not the man I married“ if your wife likes to read, it is at times a bit wordy but very much portrays the feelings of a spouse of a transitioning partner in a positive way. Your wife does not want to lose you, your wife loves you and wants your love in return... It will be difficult to find a balancing point,  but I have seen it done before, just not often. 

 While my wife can’t help but find some humor in the things I’m struggling with like nail polish and make up, it’s a little bittersweet for her as well, as every humorous reminder also lets her know a little bit more of her husband is gone, but I see something different now, I see her carefully looking at this new girl wondering  exactly why she’s so funny, as if maybe she’s starting to get to like this girl a little bit.  I intend to use this to my advantage, continuing to support her every way that I can, letting her know that I am here for her at a moments notice and that no matter what I always will be. But isn’t that what friends do? And before we were ever in love or married we were friends first, and  sometimes friends can get us through an awful lot. I don’t know if your wife is seeing a counselor, it would not be a bad idea as long as that counselor is trans friendly, However some wives may feel that society or counselors will pressure them into being overly friendly to the idea of your transition, not allowing them to be upset about the loss of their partner, and there’s a great deal of truth in this. Your wife may not want to help you because it further separates the man she knows from the person you are now, moving her closer to a new world she does not understand.  Any decent therapist might help her bridge this gap, And she might go alone at first then someday include you with couples counseling, and I highly recommend this approach if your wife is willing. Taking things slow and easy may be the thing that your wife needs,  but with the counselor your wife may find the support that she needs as the spouse of a transitioning partner, which is difficult no matter how you look at it. I am sending you all of my positive energy today as well as a great big hug, it sounds to me like you have a wonderful wife who is trying her best, I know why you’re trying so hard too, between the two of you I see the possibilities that could be, please be diligent and patient with your spouse and talk to her openly and honestly when she is receptive... 

 And just for the record, girls very much like to help each other out with clothing and make up, or anything else  girl related, nails, hair styles, teeth whitening, shoes sales, coupons for every imaginable thing... But every girl is it a bit different,  and this rule does not apply to all. 

My wife is just barely starting to warm up to the idea of this new person in her life, and the key here is time and patience, and with enough application of more of the same there is the chance for friendship, and I’m going to do what it takes no matter what, and I know you are willing to do the same.  Your new found four month HRT calmness will be a great asset to you, you will find in time that you are able to harness  this amazing female attribute. There will be other things to follow but this one thing is a great gift, I’m glad that this change has come to you, it’s one of my very favorite parts of transition. 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

 

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its wonderful to hear about you in girl mode hun as long as you are comfortable thats the main thing ive been dressing gender neutral in work now for quite a while and work colleagues have got used to it and accepted it not to say i dont add feminine touches because i do nail polish tinted eyelashes and plucked brows im still early stages and still waiting on more curves but happy

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Jackie,

 

Thank you so much for your help.  I have read and reread your comments over the last few days, they have been so helpful.  It is so true about the different levels of support.  I have a therapist, group therapy, a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist all checking in on me.  She has almost nobody that even knows.  Just a few friends, her parents and the congregation elders, all of which feel uncomfortable with the subject and none of them know I started HRT.  I have encouraged her to talk to a a therapist but for one reason or another, she doesn’t want to go. We talked the other day, and she said that I’m “the closest friend she has in the world but it’s hard to see me as a husband and she doesn’t need another girlfriend.”  This was not said to be mean or hateful, just as a matter of fact.  Nether of us want the marriage to end but is there enough room for compromise?  As you said, I need to take my time and move slowly, I need to exercise some patience. I’ve had 40 years to understand and accept this, my wife has only had 10 months.  On a positive note, My wife is willing to come with me to my therapist appointment.  This seams like a good start.  She also seams to be less put off when I go into girl mode, she even gave a jewelry suggestion when I got ready for group last night.  

 

Again, thank you for the help. You’re been like a big sister.

 

hugs

Adaline 

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 Hey Adaline,

 I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how things are going between you and your wife, and how your wife is doing in the midst of your transition. I know what it means to have your church know of your details, I have had pastors call my wife to support her a few times, not once have they called me. The details of my transition is about to reach the school now, specifically my sixth grade teacher, Maybe now he’ll understand why I so frequently hugged everyone. If your wife is willing to go to therapy with you I wholeheartedly encourage you to facilitate this meeting, however I feel your wife may feel enormous pressure to be positive towards you in a way that does not allow her to be honest with her feelings. Spouses of partners in transition really do get the short end of the stick,  if they stay with their partners they are condemned just as if they were in transition, or worse. And if they leave they are demonized for being unfriendly towards trans folk,  They just are not allowed to win no matter what they do.  Sometimes they are blamed for not doing enough to keep their spouses from transitioning or accused of not being woman enough to satisfy the needs of a partner That transitions. Therapists are the only thing I’m aware of that support your spouses need to understand, hopefully any counselor she meets will go easy on her and allow her time to process things.  10 months goes by quickly doesn’t it? If you take it easy you might get another 10 months down the road, and I am very curious how she will feel then, Sometimes acceptance shows up down the road, and quite often the seeds of acceptance or not yet even sown inside the first few months...

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Thanks Jackie,

 

I knew you would understand.  My therapist was so happy to hear that my wife wanted to come.  She wants to meet with me individually before we meet as a couple to get an understanding of what is needed or expected.  I want my wife to feel as comfortable as possible and to feel that she can express herself without fearing that she will be told that her feelings are invalid.  I hope she does most of the talking and feels her concerns are respected.  It may mean that I need to attend in boy mode (yuck) and use my birth name (super yucky), but if it helps her to feel that her feelings are valued, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.  

 

Since the moment I told her she has been accepting of the situation. She immediately understood that this was not my fault and that it was going to change our lives.  For all these years, she new I was keeping a secret and suspected that it was another woman, she just didn’t know that I was the other woman.  Once told, she instantly wanted to do things that would help relieve some of the anxiety.  She took me bra shopping, threw out the boy underwear and exchanged it for panties, bought me night gowns, she just asked that I don’t lie and keep this to ourselves.  Even since then her boundaries have softened and she has given Adaline more room to live, but will it be enough? She has come along way in 10 months and I feel that I need to meet her half-way.  She has compromised so much, it can’t be all about me.  Me and my therapist have been trying to work towards a balance in my life.  It’s feels great to have my wife being part of the discussion.  

 

It will be a few weeks before we all meet together but I let you know how it goes.

 

lots of hugs

Adaline 

 

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Wow I must have been tired last night when I posted that, I didn’t even throw you some hugs !!!

 Here’s two hugs right now... ((hug)), ((hug)), all right now that’s out-of-the-way so we can move on ... ?

 It is absolutely fantastic that this meeting between your counselor, your self and your wife is going to happen, I had dreamed of this moment but it did not materialize for me, I believe you have a realistic opportunity of being one of the very few who transitions and stays with their partner,  opening these lines of communications is absolutely vital! I know how crummy it might feel to go out in boy mode and use your birth name,  but I would leave that up to the therapist and follow her lead, boy mode will most likely allow your wife to be more comfortable being honest about her feelings, if the “other woman“ were in the room she might not be able to do that. It’s funny how this “other woman“ syndrome works, my wife won’t acknowledge it directly but all the symptoms point to Infidelity, and the resulting fallout is almost identical.  I hope at some point my wife realizes there was and is no infidelity, many spouses simply cannot get past this feeling even if they do not recognize it for what it is. Having a firm foundation of a good marriage is the place to start, and it occurs to me this most likely is the case with you and your wife, I commend you for this and encourage you to continue fighting for the love you both share. I like your idea of letting your wife take the lead and open up to your therapist, in your situation I would be concentrating on keeping myself from being defensive, answering questions honestly While allowing her room to respond. I’m very curious how this will work for the two of you, maybe it will become a semi regular thing for the two of you, your wife’s willingness to learn and assist Adaline is more than generous  and proves you have an amazing asset as a partner, I’m really quite jealous. My wife and I had come from previous spouses that cheated on us, we had both been burned, the old phrase “once bitten, twice shy” comes to mind. This may have closed the door on our marriage before we had the chance to get through things, as examining the reasons for the feelings wasn’t going to happen as a simple process of protecting oneself from the possibilities of infidelity.  As my wife and I work forward I see her being more kind every day, with occasional setbacks when I let her down even if I don’t mean to. I’m hoping in time we will be good friends but that may be a long way away ... 

 I am always far too guilty of trying to make everything about myself and I see that you’re very careful not to do so, it’s fantastic that you see this and recognize this, I believe this might be your biggest advantage. Finding balance in your life that allows your partner and Adaline to exist together and love one another will have to be carefully crafted over time.  But it can be done and there are many tools for our spouses to use if this is the path they choose, finding those tools sometimes is difficult. The more I think about you and your wife it reminds me of the book I am reading, Helen Boyd’s “she’s not the man I married“  as there are many similar aspects to it. Although there are also major differences between Helen Boyd and your wife, as far as I’ve read into the book Helen struggled with all of these same ideas even though she was a very open and accepting person.  I was personally amused by her thoughts concerning Valentine’s Day, she found herself in the laundry department surrounded by men that didn’t know what they were doing or what to buy for their spouses, and she knew precisely what her husband Betty liked and exactly what size she wore. At the checkout counter The clerk looked at her several times, then at the size of lingerie Helen had purchased, looking back again at Helen’s backside thinking that either Helen was delusional or far too optimistic! 

 I’m going to send you two more hugs this time since I missed my opportunity with the last post !

 Two big hugs, 

Jackie

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Jackie, 

 

Thanks for the extra hugs.  We could all use as many as possible.  My wife is a reader but not sure if that would interest her.  I think it sounds good, maybe I’ll pickup a copy.  

 

I’ve never thought about the stigmatizim attached to spouses of those transitioning.  That’s something to think about and may explains some of my wife’s reservations.  Last year we took a trip to see some friends on the west coast.  Both the husband and wife knew about my GD and the anxiety and distress it caused.  I was hoping for more support from them and was kind of disappointed, it was just to weird for them, but in one of the few conversations we had, it was mentioned that if I transitioned we would be considered a lesbian couple.  I think that put my wife off and it seamed that she was less tolerant of Adaline for awhile. Your reply made me think of this.

 

We are also very religious but our faith is not supportive of transitioning.  I mention this not as a point of discussion but just as one of the factors involved.  The help of the congregation elders has been instrumental in helping me to stop drinking and with my marriage but when it comes to transitioning they are empathetic, but unsupportive.  Ultimately, we all have free will but that doesn’t mean that others will be, or are required, to applaud our choice as long as they respect that it is our choice to make.   

 

My my wife told me that she is looking forward to our anniversary, it will be our 20th.  I look forward to it as well.  

 

I hope the situation with your wife improves.  It sounds like you both are trying to bridge the gap and remain friends.  If that’s the best that can be hoped for, that is still something that’s invaluable.  My wife said the other day that there may be a time when we are not together, so let’s make the most of our relationship now.  It sounds like you have been working hard for the same-thing.  

 

We have been living our entire lives to meet the expectations of others because we where AMAB.  It doesn’t seam self-centered to live the reminder of our lives being who we really are, as long as we remain respectful and considerate of others feelings.  From your posts, I think your are doing just that.  

 

Thank you again.  Being able to write down my feelings and know that others understand, means so much to me.  You have been so supportive and taken me under your wing like a big sister.  I appreciate it very much.

 

hugs and more hugs

Adaline

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  • Forum Moderator

 Hey Adaline,

I’m so glad my experiences are resonating with you, we certainly have much in common as far as the desire to maintain the relationships with our wives, you have a much better shot at this than I do.  I will admit reading  Helen Boyd’s book has been a bit of a chore, I can take it in 10 page segments but sometimes she repeats the same topics and it’s a tough read late at night. One book I simply could not put down was  Jennifer Finney Boylan‘s book “she’s not there“,  I found so many parallels to my own life it was a page turner for sure, I just could not put it down. I do believe anyone looking to understand what it’s like to be required to change one’s gender would find this book interesting, it is extremely well-written and extremely entertaining, as well as describing in an empathetic fashion for the reader what it is like to go through gender dysphoria leading to transition. 

 You know it’s kind of funny, my best friends call me mama bear, I guess cause I’m constantly pestering them to take care of themselves, I worry if they eat enough, I worry that they’re getting enough sleep, I worry that they’re not working too hard and stressing themselves out, and I do my best to make sure they have leisure time that allows them to unwind. I’ve been lucky enough to include myself  in their fun activities, and often find myself watching and observing the two of them enjoying life, I guess I like how young and vibrant the two of them are, and they make me feel young again just being near them. I know they see that I worry about them, I try not to pester them too much but it’s a hard habit to break,  and while the first comments were more along the lines of mother hen somehow the moniker morphed into mama bear.  I guess my point here is that if it all possible you and your wife should build a support group of friends for yourself, friends who understand this issue and are sympathetic to the challenges your spouse is facing, at one of my group meetings there is a wonderful married couple that I wish my wife could meet even though I know she never will.  If there was a group meeting near you that allowed you to socialize with other trans folk and their possible spouse or significant other it would be fantastic for your wife and yourself to find a few friends that could fill in the gap’s of your time when you let your hair down.   Even if it was just a deck of cards and a big bowl of salad at Olive Garden, spending time with friends is invaluable and can repair ones spirit, I highly encourage your wife and yourself to think about these things and look into any possible opportunities where friends that are couples falling into any of the LGBTQ categories, it doesn’t matter where, let’s just say “not normal“ would be a benefit ! Gosh, I sincerely hate that word “normal”, it just means nothing doesn’t it? 

  The comments that your friends made are right on the money, our wives will have to deal with the stigma of appearing lesbian in public, and if they truly wish to stay with us as a married couple they will learn what it means to be a lesbian couple as well, this was precisely what my wife could not bear. When it came down to the reality of who she is, she is not a lesbian nor does she want to become one for me.  On top of that she does not want to appear to be a lesbian either, as the social stigma of this goes against her wishes and her wants to stay with our church. I very much understand what this change for you means when dealing with the congregation you grew up in, I too am losing my church that I have been at since 1973. Luckily for me I have attended a different Church that is completely  accepting and is more than happy to have me as part of the congregation. I had the unique pleasure going with a friend of mine to this new church, I forget who said it here but I was “cheating on my church” so to speak, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I found that I was upset with my church for not being more welcoming to people in general much less People of the LGBTQ persuasion. But sometimes these changes in our lives turn out to be positive things, hopefully this experience for you will also be a positive one even if bittersweet coming from the loss of a congregation you love...

 I’m more than happy to consider you my little sister, you and I share so much in common anyway, it only seems fitting. I have a feeling the two of us are going to have this conversation for the next several years aren’t we?

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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