How do I come out when I’m so scared?

[Isabelle]

It has taken me 21 years to get to this point in my life but I can finally say with surety that I’m a woman. The issue is all my life I have portrayed a masculine figure in order to fit the ideals of my family. I have recently have the opportunity to move abroad and I’m seeiously considering taking this as a fresh start to begin my transition. How do I tell my transphobic family that their biological son is actually a daughter? I feel like I am a complete dissapointment, if I was to come out to them I would literally be ending any relationship I have with my dad and it would be extremely difficult on my Mum. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier on everybody else if I just stayed hidden. Sorry to unload this on here I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest

[Charlize]

Welcome to Trans Pulse Isabelle.  You are at a point that many of us faced.  I know that even though my parents had passed before i came out i still had family and friends with whom i knew things would change.  Oddly often our fears are unfounded.  

The fact is that i can't live my life simply to please others.  I tried to do that because of fear and shame.  The result was a life, both good and bad.  I became an alcoholic which perhaps was due in part to the suppression of my needs.

The choice is yours.  This is your life not the life of others.

I would certainly recommend seeing a gender therapist who might be able to help you find a path. 

Being here, sharing and reading of the struggles and trumps of others helped as well.  I could not have transitioned alone.  Knowing i wasn't alone made the road passable.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[DenimAndLace]

"Sorry to unload this on here I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest"

No need to apologize Isabelle.  The forum exists for people like you who need a little encouragement and for those of us who know what you're going through and want to encourage.  It's a win for everyone.

 

"I can finally say with surety that I’m a woman"

Well, welcome to the forum and welcome to being trans.  Surety is really a nice thing and when you arrive there, you can take a break and then finally move on with the rest of you life.  You finally accept it.  that's the first step.

 

"I feel like I am a complete disappointment"

While you MAY be a disappointment to some, YOU are not a disappointment!!!  In the coming years, you are going to learn that nothing about you is a mistake, that you ARE lovable, interesting and sane.  That life is better when lived authentically and that you can make a positive contribution to the world around you just as you are and perhaps more so BECAUSE of who you ARE. 

 

"I would literally be ending any relationship I have with my dad and it would be extremely difficult on my Mum"

Sadly, this may very well happen to you.  It has happened to tens of thousands of us and if it happens to you, all I can tell you is that you will survive and you'll learn from it for the rest of your life.  It WILL be painful and it's unfair but so is living in the closet.  Your life is YOURS to live.  I personally have not met a single person who is happy living the life someone else has prescribed for them.  You have to break free from the grip of others or be miserable until they release you.

 

"Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier on everybody else if I just stayed hidden"

If you really believe that and can live with yourself that way, it's certainly an option.  Many people do.  You can express your true identity when it's safe and hide it when you need to.  However, I think you really need someone you can confide in face-to-face.  I highly recommend carefully thinking about all the people in your circle and pick one who you think will be accepting to confide in.  If you can think of no one, you should find and attend a support group for transgender people once-in-a-while where you can make friends with some who are, or have gone through the same things.  If all else fails, or in addition to any of the above, please consider seeing a gender counselor.  This forum is great but your questions and our answers are limited by what can be written.  You really need someone to TALK to also.  I wish you the very best on your journey and hope that you'll continue to read and contribute to this or another forum.  You are more than welcome here and we'd love to have you as an active part of this community.

[Isabelle]

Thank you for your comments, it’s comforting to know that it’s not a completely lonely process. I certainly plan to seek out a gender therapist even if it’s just to make myself more comfortable with the way I am. 

 

Thank you, 

 

Isabelle ?

[jae bear]

 Hi Isabelle,

 It seems you have reached that place that so many of us have also had to struggle with, you are among friends here and we welcome your concerns. Coming to this crossroads in your life is an important milestone and there comes a place and a time where we find living for others no longer works for us. Ones parents can often be difficult,  and we often assume the worst, but you might be surprised where your allies come from, I’ve been constantly surprised by members of my family I was worried about.

Finding a new place to live sounds like fun, maybe it would be a really great place to transition, I’ve often thought this very thing,  but I found the place I live is very accepting and I enjoyed being near my family. 

 The best thing I ever did for myself was finding a decent gender therapist, I did so on the recommendation of wonderful people here, I cannot tell you how important this was in the process of transition, discovering myself. Maybe it will be easiest to focus on this one task of self-care, and see where you go from there.  Worry is a powerful thing, but I warn you, it ages us and gives us wrinkles, it’s best to avoid it if you can! ? Findings support from every corner of your life will be important, your therapist is your mainline,  and everyone here wants you to be loved and to reach out.  I found that support groups were very important to me as well, if you can find a support group to go to on a regular basis I believe it would be very helpful to you. You will know when it feels right to tell family members or friends, sometimes starting with the friends or family that you know feel rather accepting is a good place to start.   I remember telling my best friend and being surprised how amazingly supportive he has been, sometimes the support you receive comes from places you would least likely expect. 

 Big hug, 

Jackie

 

[jo jo]

its different from person to person but im sure you will find the courage if you find it awkward come out gradually feminize slowly do little things wear underwear have polished nails etc but i would start with bessie friend

[Jani]

Hello Isabelle and welcome.  Lots of good advise and comments from my friends so I won't add anything but to say good luck and we are here to speak with and offer support.

 

Jani 

[Isabelle]

I didn’t know where to ask this so just thought I’d add it onto here. Why do I already feel like I’ve missed the boat on transitioning? I know rationally at 21 it’s still very early but I just think my body has gone too masculine. One of my biggest fears is that I will spend the rest of my life looking as though I’m in between genders and the judgment from people that comes with that. I long for the day when I can start Hrt and I’m sure when that day comes I will be more confident but it just seems like every time I get close to considering applying to steps to get there my fears set in. 

 

Thank you for your replies so far, it’s comforting to know there is support out there.

 

Isabelle ?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Isabelle,

There isn't a person here who doesn't know the paralyzing fear you're experiencing. I was absolutely terrified when I came out to the first of my sisters. For a long time I had thought I could never come out due to fear. But a combination of not being able to go on living hidden away in my closet, and the incredible encouragement I received here made things possible I hardly dared dream of before.

 

I was fortunate with my siblings (my parents have both passed). All three accept me and support me. The person who I had considered my best friend and thought of as almost a brother, I lost.

 

It's important to have some kind of support network (like TransPulse or a trans support group locally, or something of this sort) to celebrate our good experiences with and to leand a shoulder to cry on for our tougher experiences. That's what we are here for. We understand and we care!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[DenimAndLace]

 

2 hours ago, Isabelle said:

Why do I already feel like I’ve missed the boat on transitioning?  [at 21 years old]

 

It's never too late Isabelle.  I know a person who transitioned at 70+ and I'd give a lot of money to go back to 21 for a do over.  Maybe younger would be ideal for bodily reasons but that isn't the way your first 21 years were written.  You CAN control your gender expression going forward.

 

2 hours ago, Isabelle said:

One of my biggest fears is that I will spend the rest of my life looking as though I’m in between genders and the judgment from people that comes with that.

 

Yep.  You might have a hard time switching 100% of your gender tells but switch as many as you can and you'll tip the scales in your favor.  And, there are so many things you can do before hormones or surgery.  You could start removing your facial hair, grow your hair out, have your eye brows shaped, pierce your ears, get voice feminization lessons, shave your body hair, change your fashion to androgynous or feminine, get a manicure, get feminine glasses if you need corrective lenses and so on.  Just do what YOU like and make yourself comfortable.  Before you know it you'll be surrounded by people who DON'T judge you.  Who knows, maybe you wont even want or need hormones or surgery. 

[Jani]

We all feel we've missed out but in fact its never too late.  I was three times your age when I couldn't stand it any more and started my transition.   Women come in all sizes and shapes so do not despair.  If you decide to begin hormone therapy you will be surprised at the changes it will bring in time.  Even an old bird like me was astonished.  I don't recognize the person I was.  The first step is to believe in yourself.  You can do it if that is what you desire.  We're here to support you along the way. 

 

Jani 

[jae bear]

 Hi Isabelle,

 Some really great things have already been said so I won’t repeat them too much. Transitioning at 21 may not be the perfect ideal,  but it is a great place to start and many of us here would love to have started at 21. I started at 46, and I worried all the same worries you have now, times 2... After a full year of estrogen I was worried things weren’t going to happen, that so little had changed, And that’s when I started doing more self-care, I began a workout regimen and began to eat right, focusing on weight loss and growing my hair out. I was determined to just continue onward and the person in my mirror looked the same every morning. But believe it or not things turned a corner for me, and as the weight came off  there was a figure underneath that was not masculine at all, hips started happening, my waist tightened inward, And changes to my face started to become apparent.  All of these changes have been coming so quickly it’s almost startling, my friends do not recognize me, and I realize looking at pictures even just a few weeks apart things are so different it’s crazy!  So even now that I’m 47 I’m satisfied now that things are happening, even if electrolysis takes forever. At 21 you might be able to utilize laser treatments if you have dark facial hair,  and this is a huge step for any of us in transition, start as soon as possible if you can. I have found that the Best time to start transition is when you realize you must, I just discussed with a friend this afternoon that I was ready to transition at 29 and for whatever reason did not start the process, and I can only think that the timing was wrong and I am meant to transition now...  I firmly believe that transitioning 21 is going to work very well for you, please don’t despair about when you started, The path to self realization is just as important as the path to transition, you needed to be ready to make this decision before you did actually decided to take action.

 Hugs, 

Jackie

 

[Isabelle]

Thanks for the advice, I really want to start hormones sooner rather than later so it’s just a matter of getting everything in line so I can complete my transition the way I want too. I guess that’s the hardest part. I suppose the reason I get so down is because I spent years trying to convince myself that I can be a man, I spent my entire childhood playing prop at rugby amongst other sports. As much as I hate stereotypes, the easiest way to put it is I’m not your stereotypical trans woman, anybody that knows me would think I’m extremely masculine yet it was all just a cover. I recently had two weeks off work with no family around, so I spent the majority of the time dressed as a woman and I can honestly say it was one of the best periods of my life. The comfort I get when I can look in the mirror and see a girl beginning to come through is an almost unexplainable feeling. 

 

 

Isabelle ?

[jae bear]

Hi Isabelle,

6 hours ago, Isabelle said:

The comfort I get when I can look in the mirror and see a girl beginning to come through is an almost unexplainable feeling. 

 While it may feel hard to explain, explanation may not be necessary as I very much understand exactly the way you feel. I feel very much the same way these days, seeing myself in  The mirror and living as female has changed my life in a way I’ve waited for all my life. I would venture to guess that we all feel this way to some degree,  and I can remember being your age and doing exactly the same things, other than having the courage to admit to myself who I was and being willing to change.  I believe we’ve all done a bit of covering up, doing our best not to show who we are for fear of ridicule, we have all done our share. I believe that being 21 and coming to this realization is a very big gift, most of us do not realize this until we are much older. The best thing I ever did for myself was to find a decent gender therapist who helped me work through the most difficult parts of myself so that I might find a way to develop a path that would lead me to a life I could continue living, one where the possibility of happiness was an option.  I strongly encourage that you find a good therapist, I see it as the most important first step for any of us, and honestly it has always been a very nice treat for me, I have always looked forward to my therapy sessions, and I very much enjoy going to group therapy as often as possible. In the meantime please know we are all here for you, and we all understand how you feel, don’t hesitate to lean on us when you need to, that is precisely why we are here.

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Isabelle]

Thank you Jackie ?, whilst I spent a long time trying to deny my feminine feelings it is an amazing thing to finally explore them.  It’s nice to hear that being 21 isn’t too late despite my anxieties often telling me that it is. 

 

Isabelle ?

[BrandiBri]

Hi Isabelle, I just started reading this thread and can't add to what others have already said. I too lived most of my life in fear and hid behind the man mask. I began my transition at 69 years old. I too had the opportunity at 21 and let it slip by because of fear of disappointing my mother. 

Yesterday I went out without my wig and not only was commented on my hair at least 5 times,? but after using the restroom as I looked in the mirror I was shocked to see my sister looking back at me! Although I had been noticing changes in my facial appearance, just a small change, a different hairstyle really made a difference.

[SugarMagnolia]

I agree with all of the great replies. I'd just add that there are very few women in the world that don't want to change something about their body or looks. Unfortunately, that comes with the territory. Loving ourselves and our imperfections is part of the journey too, I think. ❤️

[Kirsten]

Isabelle, 

heres a couple things I’ve learned in the last year. First don’t worry so much about what you look like. Once you start to FEEL like yourself you’ll see a beautiful person. I have seen so many peoples before and after photos and the changes that hormones make can be astounding. And you’re still very young. 

Secondly is people will really surprise you. Some in good ways some not so much. But it’s important to go into all of this open minded. Cause you really never know how people are going to react. 

Lastly is that being happy with myself is the strongest feeling I’ve ever felt. I guess that’s partly because I lived in anguish for so long. But no matter who you are what you do or how you look when you are happy with yourself, everything else becomes clearer. Happiness is greater. Sadness is more understandable. Friendships get better. It’s really freeing to not have to worry about keeping that mask on. 

Be you. You are beautiful!! 

Kirsten 

[Isabelle]

Thank you Kirsten, I have certainly began to notice that happiness the day everything clicked in my head and I was finally willing to admit who I am to myself. I’m so pleased that there are people like you who are happy after starting their transition, it gives me hope and inspiration that some day soon I will be able to get their as well. I will be terrified of coming out until the day I finally commit to doing it but I know realistically that when that day comes, mentally and physically I can finally be who I am on the inside on the outside

 

Isabelle ?

[Isabelle]

I just wanted to say thank you for the support, it has encouraged me to take the first steps in what I’m sure will be a long process. I have contacted my GP and made an appointment which will hopefully lead to a gender therapist in the short future. I know this means I’ll need to come out soon but it’s what I have to do to truly be me. So thank you ☺️ 

 

Isabelle ?

[Kirsten]

You go girl! Whoot whoot!! ????

[Jani]

I'm happy for you.  It's a good feeling when you set the wheels in motion.  Just remember that this is about you and you alone drive the schedule.  There is no need to follow the dreams of others.  Be proud of yourself.  You are unique!

Jani 

[Julie J]

Isabelle, congratulations on making a decision. I too made a decision to transition 37 years ago at 26 years old. I knew I was female and couldn't stand hiding and lying about myself anymore. I took measures toward pursuing sex reassignment surgery and was bravely facing my fears, all the same fears we all face. Unfortunately weekly therapy sessions were not enough support and I allowed my fear to cripple me into inaction as I retreated from the path I knew I needed to be on. 37 years later, I'm 63. I cannot continue in the lie anymore. I tried my best but I have to be me. I found some Trans support groups this time and I am in the process of transitioning to female full time, then SRS. I want this done yesterday and EVERYONE is telling me to slow down, but I don't want to. I've been on hormones for just 4 months and I'm soooo happy! I'm becoming Julie, finally. I have a huge number of issues to deal with, but I will when the time is right. I have gone from being ruled by my fears to facing them with the help and support of my many new trans friends. 12 months ago I started to explore life as a woman outside the confines of my self imposed prison, outside of my house. All the things that had paralyzed me with fear have somehow been faced and conquered so that I now know it was mostly between my ears and I really had nothing to fear... just had to experience facing these things knowing so many others have done the same. I had to get over myself. I am comfortable presenting as Julie and although I will never "pass" I blend in and nobody seems to care, whether they "read" me or not. I am so happy to be on this journey and I am really enjoying being myself. I am more and more comfortable and confident as I gain real life experience being the woman I was meant to be. It's still early days, but oh, how great I feel about my decision. I hope you have as wonderful a journey as I am.

Hugs & Smiles

Julie J

[Isabelle]

Hi everyone, an update I’m now seeing a gender therapist but I’ve also came out to my Mum this week. It was one of the scariest yet happiest moments of my life, she was completely accepting and even asked to see Isabelle which instantly made me cry but in a good way. She wants to take me shopping this weekend and whilst I’m not ready to go out as Isabelle just yet I’m going to enjoy this experience as it was a day I feared would never come. I haven’t told my dad yet but that day isn’t far away, it’s finally happening and I couldn’t be more happy. 

 

Thank you everyone for the advice recently its been extremely helpful

 

isabelle ?

[Charlize]

I wrote this post awhile ago and forgot to hit send.

 

   Welcome to Trans Pulse Isabelle.  You are at a point that many of us faced.  I know that even though my parents had passed before i came out i still had family and friends with whom i knew things would change.  Oddly often our fears are unfounded.  

The fact is that i can't live my life simply to please others.  I tried to do that because of fear and shame.  The result was a life, both good and bad.  I became an alcoholic which perhaps was due in part to the suppression of my needs.

The choice is yours.  This is your life not the life of others.

I would certainly recommend seeing a gender therapist who might be able to help you find a path. 

Being here, sharing and reading of the struggles and trumps of others helped as well.  I could not have transitioned alone.  Knowing i wasn't alone made the road passable.

 

  Reading you last post makes it perhaps no longer needed as advice!  I'm so glad things are working out well for you now.

 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize