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Nicolas

How to live with prejudice

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Nicolas

I hope I am submitting this to the right forum, but I want to hear what other people who may have dealt with the same thing as me have to say.

 

I've become comfortable enough with myself and my identity to know that I am non-binary, and have up until this point just kind of swallowed the discomfort of being referred to as "her" by literally everyone. It brings me extreme displeasure that so many people still use she, and especially those who I have brought up the topic of my identity to before, and who still use she/her.

 

What I'm struggling with now, is sort of a bittersweet feeling. I know with myself who I am and that feels great, but I don't feel like I can tell any of my closest friends about it, where some are trans as well.

 

What do i do? 

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Terry

This is really tricky. I wish I had a good answer. I'm fairly cautious about these things myself.

 

Within the asexual community I am completely out and confident about my gender. I know everybody is very accepting there. As for everybody else, I tend not to speak about either my gender nor sexual orientation. In a way I see it as my private business. If it comes up, I'm giving hints at best, but usually not more than that.

 

To be fair I don't really mind about pronouns. Anything goes with me really... So that makes things easier for me.

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Nicolas
8 hours ago, Terry said:

This is really tricky. I wish I had a good answer. I'm fairly cautious about these things myself.

 

Within the asexual community I am completely out and confident about my gender. I know everybody is very accepting there. As for everybody else, I tend not to speak about either my gender nor sexual orientation. In a way I see it as my private business. If it comes up, I'm giving hints at best, but usually not more than that.

 

To be fair I don't really mind about pronouns. Anything goes with me really... So that makes things easier for me.

 

 

Thank you so much for replying. I'm glad to hear this side of this problem, I'll admit I haven't really considered just.. not telling people at all. 

 

I suppose in some regard I've always thought that I had to tell people, to "come out" as nonbinary, as this is what most other people I know have done. But this is also an option, I'm sure. Although it'll be tough with how "she" is used so much about me, I hope I can maybe manage to ignore it. 

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Terry

Well, it's a very personal choice. Doing something because others do it doesn't seem like a good reason to me. It's more like I do it (or don't) because it makes me feel better.

 

What really helps, more than coming out probably would, is that I'm almost continuously in an environment where gender has almost no importance at all, except for which toilet to go to maybe. This seems to be not always the case in typical working environments, so I guess I can consider myself lucky.

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Nicolas
1 hour ago, Terry said:

Well, it's a very personal choice. Doing something because others do it doesn't seem like a good reason to me. It's more like I do it (or don't) because it makes me feel better.

 

What really helps, more than coming out probably would, is that I'm almost continuously in an environment where gender has almost no importance at all, except for which toilet to go to maybe. This seems to be not always the case in typical working environments, so I guess I can consider myself lucky.

 

Of course, I can see this reasoning. I've just been prone to doing what others like me do, thinking that it would apply to me too. But of course it doesn't. 

 

I am trying my best to find inclusive communities, and I am starting with this forum. I hope to meet more people here so I can make friends who are like me! 

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AsTheCrow
5 hours ago, Nicolas said:

...I've always thought that I had to tell people, to "come out" as nonbinary, as this is what most other people I know have done.

It's also perfectly possible that you know other nonbinary folks who have not come out!

 

Anyway, I relate strongly with your original post. I'm NB, too, and although I'm out with my friends and at work, the people who use my deadname and he/him pronouns for me still outweigh the ones who use my preferred name and pronouns.

 

I haven't started correcting people on my pronouns, but I am starting to gently push back when people use the wrong name for me.

 

The main thing that makes me feel better about all this is that I have a handful of truly excellent friends who immediately changed pronouns and name when I came out to them. Having a few people who truly respect and embrace my gender is a huge help. I know I'm blessed on this front, but I would suggest trying to find even a tiny community of people who will respect your wishes.

 

And while you work on finding such a group in person, being part of a community like this one online is a great start!

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Nicolas
16 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

It's also perfectly possible that you know other nonbinary folks who have not come out!

 

Anyway, I relate strongly with your original post. I'm NB, too, and although I'm out with my friends and at [...]

 

Thank you so much for the reply!! It brings me comfort to know that I am not alone. I'm glad you've found people who respect your preferred name and pronouns, it's just so important for how you feel about yourself.

 

And I feel like I am blessed in this regard as well, as I do have a select few who have always respected and used my pronouns and name, even when I vaguely dared mentioning it in the beginning of figuring out this mess of an identity. 

 

These people are a huge blessing to me, and I feel 100% comfortable with telling them if they get something wrong. 

 

 

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Nicolas

I suppose I should post here, as it is technically the same thread, but after my holiday to Spain I feel like this issue has been tougher and tougher to deal with. The entire holiday, I was always "she", and even though I tried to drop subtle hints to make them switch pronouns, it was still hard.

 

Any tips on how to come out as nb to your friends?

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StrainAsylum
2 hours ago, Nicolas said:

I suppose I should post here, as it is technically the same thread, but after my holiday to Spain I feel like this issue has been tougher and tougher to deal with. The entire holiday, I was always "she", and even though I tried to drop subtle hints to make them switch pronouns, it was still hard.

 

Any tips on how to come out as nb to your friends?

 

For myself, no, but there's a performer who came out as NB recently; they post on Twitter:  Bex Taylor-Klaus, from MTV's "Scream" series.  I'd been following them anyway, but was very pleased to see them come out.  If you go on Twitter and search "nonbinary", there are a lot of nonbinary people and groups.  Probably FB, as well.  National Geographic just did a "Gender Revolution" issue, too.

 

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Nicolas

Thank  you all for your replies thus far. It is nice to know that I am not obligated to make a psa out of my gender identity (for the lack of a better term).

I find that although knowing this, it's difficult in day to day life - especially at work. I have let my boss know about my identity issue, but I have not informed others. Therefore I have to just bite my teeth together and sit through the constant barrage of "she" being tossed my way.

 

I knwo they don't have any ill intent, but I feel I will not be able to trust certain people with this..

There is comfort, though, in knowing who I am and what I identify as.

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