Me dysphoria... I didn't want this and now I'm lost

[LittleRed]

There seems to be a lot of terminology that I need to learn so I'll sneak one in (maybe there is a better word for it)... me dysphoria.

 

Honestly, I really didn't want this! I'm a born male, 34-years old, happily married for 16 years to my high-school sweetheart with six children. Over a year ago I started to experience feminine urges and emotions and recently shared those with my wife. She and I agreed to do some first-time shopping and I let her dress me up not even a month ago and on that day my whole world turned completely upside down. I am working with a counselor to help sort some of these things out but this is what I'm experiencing:

 

1) I have this new girl side that seems to be quite powerful and influential on my every thought and emotion.

2) After doing some heavy reflection over the past few weeks, I'm pretty convinced I've always had a girl side since I was a child but kept her very hidden and tucked away from myself as a coping mechanism from childhood abuse from my father and years of adulthood life stress.

3) I currently wish I could go back to my male dominated side but the female side seems to be begging for lots of attention.

4) I am three weeks into this mess in my head and I can't even cope without wearing some sort of womens underwear or doing something girly in order to be able to relax. I get a lot of anxiety if I try to avoid it. For instance, last night I couldn't sleep for several hours until I finally decided to throw off my boxers and put on a nightie that my wife bought me. Within minutes I fell asleep. Its like clothing has become a comfort blanket that I can't live without. Its mind boggling because it just isn't me.

5) I'm terrified of all the things people are posting that they're into in order to transition or feel like the gender they identify with on this forum. Not to be offensive but over a month ago, I would have never thought of things like buying breast forms, dresses, makeup, etc. I have a newfound deep desire to try all these things but they scare the crap out of me. The idea of going out dressed in fem seems both exciting but terrifying at the same time. I'm trying to keep my thoughts away from ideas of HRT and full transitions as I am totally not sure what this is.

6) My girl side seems to be aggressively hammering my brain to let her blossom and I really didn't expect to be making room in my life for this. I can't focus on anything but what she wants, including work and taking care of things fathers and husbands normally do for their families (I'm struggling a bit here).

 

I really didn't ask for this and I find myself telling my therapist that too. I just want to go back to being the guy who didn't know he had a girl side. What scares me is that I'm not 100% certain if this is a total gender dysphoria or if I am more gender fluid. There has been a few days where I felt back to normal and then broadsided by fem the next day. I'm feeling things that are overwhelming - anywhere from trying on clothes while feeling extreme pleasures, to feeling down about myself for what just happened, to feeling like I desperately need to be more like a girl.

 

Is this normal? When people all of a sudden realize they may not be who they thought they were, do they get similar experiences? (Sorry for all my bad grammar and misspellings)

[VickySGV]

The word Dysphoria is derived from two Greek words that mean "TERRIBLE BURDEN" and our Gender Dysphoria is just that. I can assure you that NONE of us wanted it.  ALL of us fought it like hell for as long as we could.  Some people have thought the only way out was SUICIDE and this web site was established to help prevent suicide among those of us who found that as a possible way out.  Welcome to a good place to rest your burden for a while and talk about what can happen and ways to do it.  As to what SHOULD happen, step one is to find a Therapist who has dealt with people who have gender issues.  All of those therapists started out as just regular therapists dealing with work, family, stress and depression issues, so  you are covered there.

 

Did I mention that this stuff does hit us like a ton of horse manure?  If I did it is worth saying it again, so definitely you are here with folks who have been there and done that.  I am 10 years into this problem, but I am still here, and actually having some fun in life.  You have quite a shopping list up there, and while you want it all NOW, take it slow and easy and it will happen although the Dysphoria may ease up on you with certain things and not the whole list will be needed.  I like the fact your wife is in some small ways accepting you, but it will be a journey even with her to get this into control and perspective.  We are here to talk to you and pay forward help that we received from the ones here before us. 

28 minutes ago, LittleRed said:

Is this normal? When people all of a sudden realize they may not be who they thought they were, do they get similar experiences? (Sorry for all my bad grammar and misspellings)

 

I wish I could say Normal, but we are not mentally ill, and a bunch of other stuff, but  you do have a pretty typical case from what I see.  NOW it is OK to breathe both in and out.

 

[LittleRed]

Thank you, Vicky. That actually helped. I think my male and female sides are both a bit worked up. I like that you said that we're not mentally ill. My wife is the love of my life, most wonderful woman a man can ever ask for. She is a stay at home mom for our big family and I provide for all 8 of is with my one income. A lot rests on my shoulders and the thought of instability terrifies me. The idea that we're not mentally ill does help ease the worry a little. 

[LittleRed]

Cant forget... A lot is on my wife's shoulders too... I can't imagine how she feels right now while she tries to be so supportive.

[Jani]

11 hours ago, LittleRed said:

5) I'm terrified of all the things people are posting that they're into in order to transition or feel like the gender they identify with on this forum. Not to be offensive but over a month ago, I would have never thought of things like buying breast forms, dresses, makeup, etc. I have a newfound deep desire to try all these things but they scare the crap out of me. The idea of going out dressed in fem seems both exciting but terrifying at the same time. I'm trying to keep my thoughts away from ideas of HRT and full transitions as I am totally not sure what this is.

Well, as you've no doubt read no everyone goes down the same path.  I never wore forms and its rare that I wear a dress now, except for a special occasion.  Yes it is scary at first but you will soon find out what works to quiet the noise in your head.  It can be simple as under-dressing or something more.  It's all up to you.  I've survived and as Vicky says, actually having fun again.  The burden is behind me.  You will find your point as well.  

 

I'm glad to read you are mindful of your wife's situation and her mindset.  She is in transition as well.  Whatever that turns out to mean.

 

Jani

[DenimAndLace]

12 hours ago, VickySGV said:

We are here to talk to you and pay forward help that we received from the ones here before us

 

~Beautifully said Vicki!!!

 

@LittleRed  As much as YOU wish you could just go back to being a guy without feminine thoughts, I WISH I could give you a magic pill or a piece of wisdom to make that happen but... [thoughts too numerous to write] ...And if I had a magic pill, I might take it myself anyway??? 

 

Perhaps the best advice I can give you from THIS end of the wormhole is to just love yourself the way you are and don't allow the guilt of nonconformity to bother you.  It's OK to sleep in a nighty - it's PERFECTLY "normal".  Don't be embarrassed because you find comfort in something non conforming; so long as it doesn't hurt anyone.  right now, you're feeling constrained by the "masculinity box" someone has put you in but no box can, nor SHOULD any box, contain a human being!!!  Just be yourself.  Explore your femininity without shame.

 

 

 

[Jani]

Great video! 

 

Be YOU! 

[Charlize]

I love that video!  

At times I think I'm changing with the crowd and at others changing despite it.  Perhaps the best way to be comfortable and at peace is to move with the crowd but once we go another direction we see there is a choice.  That for me is Freedom.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[LittleRed]

That's quite a video! I always get kicks out of seeing those small social experiments. Thanks for sharing.

[Amy joey]

Take a deep breath you are going to be fine just Take it one day at a time it can be overwhelming if u let it  if you need to talk come here we all been were you are now 

 

Amy

 

 

[LittleRed]

I feel like all the ladies responding have been very helpful and kind (a bit of gratitude). I'm just very very overwhelmed in all this. I feel like I went down a rabbit hole not too long ago (like only a few weeks) and not sure where I am right now. This was my first post: 

I think at this point, I am very lost in a very dark place and very depressed but thankfully I do have a therapist that I'm seeing tomorrow morning and I can hold out until then. I am not ready to accept myself as being a woman and making such a brave transition. I do admire you all for making such significant steps in your life to achieve happiness. However, I feel like my mind is pushing me towards those thoughts in a far too aggressive way and I am starting to question if all this is even real.

 

I can say that over the years (since my freshmen year in high school, which is about two decades now), I have been fighting tons of depression and have had a handful of counselors helping me through it. I have never actually been content with myself nor have felt ok to be "in my own skin". But at the same time, I have found ways that have helped to be satisfied with the person I am through being the best husband and father I can be and through building up good character and integrity. I've found hobbies and some activities that I am good at and satisfied with. I am very successful in my career (a good track record of exceeding expectations for over a decade and being recognized for it consistently). But at the end of the day, those are just accomplishments and blessings. I'm still not content with my own skin. I love my wife and kids and would do anything for them.

 

I spent lots of time in tears yesterday, which is not normal for me. Floods of emotion and confusion. I wish I could turn this off like NOW. I'll try to get through the day and speak with my counselor, who happens to be an LGBT therapist. Hopefully she can lead me in a direction to where I can at least feel calm and content about things.

 

Thank you all for the kind words,

 

Jennifer

 

(my wife and I came up with this name together over the weekend and it seems to fit for the girl side of me - something along the lines of Jen, Jenny, or Jennifer)

[Kirsten]

Hey Jen,

its okay to feel like this. And there’s a lot of crying involved in this process. Talk to your therapist and be honest. Being honest is the only way to figure it all out. You don’t know where youre headed yet. So just take things 1 day at a time. It’s all very overwhelming. But when things start to make sense it’ll get easier. You just need to be patient. 

Kirsten 

[Jani]

Yes as Kirsten says, it's OK. 

2 hours ago, LittleRed said:

I am not ready to accept myself as being a woman and making such a brave transition. I do admire you all for making such significant steps in your life to achieve happiness. However, I feel like my mind is pushing me towards those thoughts in a far too aggressive way and I am starting to question if all this is even real.

Then slow down.  Again it's OK.  You only need to move in a pace that you are comfortable with.  Acceptance from within is not guaranteed.  Sometimes with need to work to obtain it due to our own fears, and possibly phobias.  Take your time.

 

Speaking with a counselor is a good step to relieving stress because it is a form of movement, and you are sharing your story with another.  This is key.  It's why we are here, to offer support where we share your burden.  We've all been there.  

 

Jani

[LittleRed]

Thank you. You are all so very sweet and I feel the support.

 

I got a chance to speak with my therapist this morning and sorted out some things to a point to where I feel like I can actually slow this whole thing down quite a bit and breathe. For several weeks, I have been in a bit of a panicked mission to figure out who I am and what this means as quickly as possible while at the same time causing myself some unnecessary pain and tension (and my wife too). My mind was pushing too fast and trying to make conclusions way too fast - I think this is a symptom of how I'm wired for the most part. You're all right in that I just need to figure this out one step at a time. For now, I'm going to take a few days off to not think about it too much and then ease back into things so that this journey can be healthier.

 

Thanks,

 

Jen

[DenimAndLace]

I'm glad you're feeling better and have given yourself some room to breathe Jen.  Also, after I read what I wrote earlier, I think I may have been unclear.

 

On 8/11/2018 at 1:48 PM, DenimAndLace said:

...just love yourself the way you are and don't allow the guilt of nonconformity to bother you.  ...Don't be embarrassed because you find comfort in something non conforming ...right now, you're feeling constrained by the "masculinity box" ...Just be yourself.  Explore your femininity without shame. 

 

I hope this didn't sound like encouragement to pursue transition.  It wasn't at all.  I hoped that you would take pause to just be in this moment and give yourself freedom to explore without guilt or shame.  It sounds like that is the place you have arrived at so all is well.  The video was meant to encourage you to be yourself, whoever that may be. My advise is always to NOT pursue transition unless you MUST transition (you'll know in your heart if or when that time comes).  Sorry if what I wrote seemed like it was motivating you to pursue transition.

[LittleRed]

DenimAndLace,

 

No worries. I really don't think your wording was pushing me in that direction. I think the fact that I work as programmer / systems engineer, my mind when encountered with something new and interesting, I tend to dive deep into all the details at once and at the speed of 100mph. That and reading a few dozen posts from this forum of individuals making those "final" steps and imagining myself in her shoes. After just a few days of being a member of this forum I somehow had myself convinced that a transition was inevitable for me. It sort of freaked me out and its way too quick for me to come to those conclusions. The human mind is complex and sometime reckless. My therapist helped calm me down this morning and slow this train way down.

 

Honestly, there is a lot about being a man that I truly enjoy and I don't know if I want to give that up. It wasn't until recent (weeks ago) that I uncovered my female side that has been hidden and my mind has pushing heavily to explore that ever since. Thinking with a clear mind, my sincere hope is that I can keep both female and male sides of me around - I think there could be a lot of joy in that. I just need to figure out how to make this work in my life... and take it one step at a time. But it is possible that I may find that I am discontent and uncomfortable as a male as time goes on. I'll address that if that time comes and if it gets out of hand.

 

I hope pink fog doesn't push me into a "I desperately need to be female" direction and then eventually come out of fog feeling the total opposite - seems like I'd get some crazy mental whip-lash from that.

 

Maybe the transgender status for me might be something like being stuck in between (an incomplete transition) - or at least I can hope for now. There are a lot of fears in going the full transition route (but I truly admire those who have successfully taken those steps).

 

For sure I am not going to push the female side into a box - I've been in so much therapy over the past few decades to know that doing so would be so dangerous to my mental health, throw me into depression, and possibly be the end of me. I'm going to embrace her, love her, and protect her.

 

I'm going to look to you all for some guidance and support on all these grey areas I'm sure to encounter. It seems so far that this is a very active and loving group to be a part of.

 

Much Gratitude,

 

Jennifer

[LittleRed]

Feeling so much better on this topic yesterday and today. I found a special support group on Facebook (closed group called Transgender Christians), which seemed to have a lot of like minded individuals who are very much like me. Received a lot of loving encouragement. I think the process of accepting myself and becoming comfortable with it all will be slow but I'm positive it will eventually sink in.

 

Unrelated but today my male side started to show through (been feeling very strong feminine stuff for two weeks without pause). 

[Jani]

That's good that you've found another group to confide in and talk to.  We're still here for you! 

Part of being gender fluid is the flow between the two.  Enjoy the moments.

 

Jani

[LittleRed]

I for sure will be in both these groups, Jani. This forum is great.

 

For the first time in 10 days (keeping a journal), I actually feel like John and not Jennifer. She was running things in the forefront of my mind for a bit. 

 

I'll try to enjoy these waves between the two.

 

I can't say this enough... Thanks much for the encouragement and for making me feel not alone in this.