Mental issues, genderqueer or something else? Very confused.

[Bpdisturbed]

Hi everyone! I'm writing this out of much despair, as I cannot seem to untangle this psychological mess myself. I was just wondering if anyone else here is experiencing the same things I am but I would really appreciate some honest opinions from open minded folks.

So, Ive been suffering from social anxiety at least since my teens (im in my early 20s now) and just this year I have found I also suffer from Borderline Personality disorder, with very strong emphasis on the fear of abandinment, feelings of loneliness, emptyness, lack of strong identity, "splitting" or black and white thinking and less on the derealization part. 

What has really been tormenting me for years is why at a small age (no more than 5 yo) I was reffering to myself with male pronouns and also I played with more boys toys (i am a female). I guess this stage went away, but it disturbs me as to why it ever happened is that normal? I was never attracted to girls, all my crushed were guys. BUT I also get excited by seeing the female body, especially the boobs lol, I enjoy watching lesbian porn very much. BUT the thought of doing anything sexual with a girl jyst doesnt turn me on. 

In my dreams I have dreamed about having sex with my female friend and I think I penetrating her with a penis. Another really weird and embarassing thing: I have been tormented with sexual dreams with my own mother for at leat 2 times in the past. Let me clarify that once the dream was over and I was awake I was sickened by myself and while the dream was happening I would feel that I was being "used" or I wouldnt really care until the dream was over and i woke up and i felt disgusted with myself. i feel deeply disturbed with myself writing this. In my waking time I would never ever fantasize about such a sick thing. I know Oedipus-complex dreams are "common" for boys but why me?? A girl? My relationship with my mother has been very bumpy, she to this day seems very controling with me and we had some pretty bad times together when I was younger, like going rage mode and abusing me verbally or hitting me. Now things have gone for the better.

I have gathered all the impirtant bits... please I just need some insight from anyone. Im very desperate to know the truth. Anyone having similar experiences, please share. Maybe this gender queerness is generated by the bpd? Or the opposite way round? Thanks to everyone reading until the end.

[VickySGV]

Just because you have BP does not mean that you do not also have Gender Dysphoria (GD) which Trans People have by the truckload.  Has GD come up with your counselors for the BP?  If  not, then get talking with them as soon as you can.  Gender Dysphoria cannot be controlled like BP can but it can be medically controlled in its own set of protocols.  The feelings that you have shared here are common with GD and there is nothing to be ashamed of for having them, although if your mother is as controlling as you say, she could be the source of the shame that you feel in some ways.  As the song from FROZEN goes, Let It Out to your professional care staff and you will be on the road to feeling better.

[Jani]

Greetings Bpdisturbed.  Welcome to the forum.  I agree with what Vicky has written, as BP and GD are not exclusive.  And your mother may certainly be a part of both.  

 

As to "Let it go" (I can hear my granddaughters singing the song), this is tried and true advice.  Let go and let others help, let go and don't fret over things out of our control, let go and enjoy life the best you can.  It's within you.  

 

Hugs,

Jani 

[Bpdisturbed]

Thanks everyone for the answers. Its just that, after 5 yo the feelings stop and I feel fine in my own skin for years now. But those memories remain, the questions too. Disturbance of real identity is very present in BPD patients that is why I was proposing that maybe it could be related to all those feelings. Any other insights? 

[Adaline]

Dear Bpdisturbed,

 

I’m so sorry to hear of the distress you are experiencing.  Many of us have had similar feelings and we are emphatic to your situation.  Please know that you are welcome and we want to help, even if it is just providing a listening ear.  

 

It sounds like you are already seeing a mental health care professional, good for you, getting help is such an important step.  Several have mentioned about it being GD.  I think that’s worth exploring.  You may already know this but gender identity and sexual orientation are to separate things, there even controlled by different areas of the brain.  I identify as female, and my sexual attraction is female.  It’s kind of complicated, I went from being considered heterosexual to now being considered a lesbian.  As complicated as that is for me it’s even more so for my wife.  In any event, I would not rule out GD just because you like men.

 

I know it’s not much but I hope I helped.  

 

Hugs

Adaline 

[Charlize]

As I approached my reality I had a chance to speak to a gender therapist who helped me a great deal in understanding my issues.  I also had spoken to my cousin( now passed) who was a Freudian analyst.  She explained to me that we are all a mixture of genders and presentations.  While I made the decision to transition I certainly still have a good bit of male in my makeup.  I do think we are all a bit of a mixture.  I’ve come to accept that.  

Glad you’ve joined us at TransPulse.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[VickySGV]

5 hours ago, Bpdisturbed said:

Disturbance of real identity is very present in BPD patients that is why I was proposing that maybe it could be related to all those feelings.

 

My youngest daughter (who will be 39 tomorrow) has BPD and her identity issues have not lead into the gender realm, but she does have some Dissociative personality issues, that fortunately are mild but we and now she sees them and can deal with them as they come up.  Trans/GD can have multiple sexuality components to it, and your attraction can be to any gender, binary or not (Pansexual) or to the sex of the gender you wish to be (Gay/Lesbian), sex with both binary genders (Bi-sexual) or a few more attractions that are romantic (personality attraction) but that do not involve sex. 

The major issue is that it is complicated in both the BPD and GD areas.  In dealing with my daughter's problems, I have indeed read literature that has listed DID people who did have different sexual orientations depending on which "person" was "in charge" at a given time, although they resolved in Pansexuality or Bi-sexuality but without being different genders.

 

Again, shame for whatever it turns out to be needs to just be tossed out.  There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in having any of this.  BPD is not shameful although it can be uncomfortable.  GD is not shameful and can be medically assisted. The shame can cripple any of us emotionally and it makes other problems thousands of times worse.  Take things as an adventure, they will not be easy, but without the shame element, much more interesting.

[Bpdisturbed]

I feel pretty fine in my female body, I wouldnt wish to be a man. It seems too much work and that must mean that I dont really want to be one.

Charlize, maybe your cousin's theory is valid and we are all just a mix of genders, on the spectrum. That's why I could imagine myself as a man, in fact I have spent years refferring to myself as tomboy, but I wouldnt want to transition. 

Do gender-dysphoric feelings subside? If they do, that must be what I was having when I was 5. I am more curious about the dreams though. Those were my worst nightmares. I felt sick after that. I havent talked to my psych about them because i feel so embarassed, but I need to. You mentioned GD is controled with medications, do you mean hormonal therapy?

Your messages are very sweet, thank you all for the replies! ❤️ Trans community is strong! 

 

[Jani]

Being comfortable in one's body is great.  That is the goal.  Admittedly changing gender presentation is a lot of work!   I agree that we are all a mix of genders.  In some people being on the far ends of the binary work well, while others need to move between the two in order to feel whole.  The beauty of it all is there are no rules and we can dwell where we are most happy.  Unfortunately we do have to deal with society that at times isn't so approving but there are ways to deal with it.  

 

I would certainly bring up your feelings with your counselor; that is what they are there for.  Never be embarrassed to stand up for ones self.   Yes I think she was referring to hormonal therapy for symptoms of GD.  Even at a low dosage patients seem to know quite soon if it is right or not.  Sometimes a low dose it all thats needed.  Again how far and fast one moves is up to the individual. 

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

6 hours ago, Bpdisturbed said:

You mentioned GD is controled with medications, do you mean hormonal therapy?

 

Medication in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is one way that works for some people but is not the ONLY way.  I was including psychotherpeutic help and work with groups as well.  As Jani mentioned above HRT in small doses is a diagnostic tool.  It may be that even though you are female bodied and not really interested in having a male body, that a small extra amount of either hormone may help you out.   

 

6 hours ago, Bpdisturbed said:

Do gender-dysphoric feelings subside?

 

Maybe--!!  The guide post for Transitioning and surgery / Hormones and so on, is that GD is consistently, insistently, and persistently with the  person.  You could have some GD but if it is not constant, and does not interfere with your life for years you would probably not benefit from Transitioning,  You could prefer male hobbies, and even masculine clothing and hair styles and have no problems with  your body.  I have friends who are FtM cross dressers (Drag Kings) but are in other ways more typical females.  One of them is an apprentice to an electrician which is a more masculine job, but off comes the coveralls and that is not a guy in there. Certainly not the glamorous runway model type (she tried it and hated it.) but a wonderful young woman friend. 

 

I almost forgot about two other women I know who are loading crane operators in a harbor near me.  Both have Trans spouses too, and that is about as male as you can get and still be female.