What if they say no - what then?

[Kali-Ann Gills]

Hi everyone, 

My boyfriend said something to me last night and it scared me to death. He was not being horrible, Robert is not like that. He was just being pragmatic.

He actually asked me what I would do if I am turned down for surgery?  I have to say I was absolutely speechless I went very cold and started shaking. I have never even considered that as a possibility. Ok I am not a young woman anymore 58 in a few weeks however, I am fit and healthy my only underlying condition is Asthma.

So what do I do if I am refused? Where do I go then?  To be honest I really don't believe I could cope with that situation. I replied that I would rather die than continue living like this. I am really very frightened by the thought.

The only thing that keeps me sane is the belief that one day I will be as I always should have been.

To have come so far and to have the door slammed shut in my face; no that will finish me. 

 

Kali-Ann ? xx 

[jo jo]

once you start hormone treatment they would of told you then i cant see them turning you down if you already started treatment only if you have major problems but if you fit and healthy there shouldnt be a concern

[Kali-Ann Gills]

Just now, jo jo said:

once you start hormone treatment they would of told you then i cant see them turning you down if you already started treatment only if you have major problems but if you fit and healthy there shouldnt be a concern

Thanks Jo Jo, 

All my consultant asked me was did I want surgery. I answered yes definitely. Very soon after that I was prescribed Estradiol Valerate. 

Thank you for putting my mind at rest I was terrified.

Kali-Ann ? xx 

[jo jo]

no worries hun

 

[Jani]

Your age is not a concern as there are many who have had surgery later in life, like me.  I have COPD and other breathing issues but they are under control.  Not an issue either.  Weight is another concern but it seems like you don't have that issue to worry with.  Its natural to worry and invent problems that might prevent slow or stop us.  Think about this logically and you'll be fine.  
 

I suppose another option, if the NHS GIC refused you is to go the private route. 

 

Take a deep breath and relax.

Jani

[Kali-Ann Gills]

Just now, Jani said:

Your age is not a concern as there are many who have had surgery later in life, like me.  I have COPD and other breathing issues but they are under control.  Not an issue either.  Weight is another concern but it seems like you don't have that issue to worry with.  Its natural to worry and invent problems that might prevent slow or stop us.  Think about this logically and you'll be fine.  
 

I suppose another option, if the NHS GIC refused you is to go the private route. 

 

Take a deep breath and relax.

Jani

Jani,

Thank you. I suppose I was over reacting however, my brain went into meltdown. Unfortunately logic is kind off in short supply where my transition is concerned, some of my friends have suggested that I have tunnel vision all I see is the end goal. 

Robert was absolutely mortified by my reaction but I think he was simply attempting to (albeit in a clumsy way) keep my feet on the ground. He understands me and just what it means to me. I actually didn’t hear his last words when he said I will love you regardless. He told me again in a sms earlier.

I am really grateful for what I have. However, I have never felt terror like that

As you say I should relax and breathe unfortunately the closer I get the less I am able to do that. 

Thanks again. 

Kali-Ann ? xx 

 

[jae bear]

Hi Kali-Ann,

Honey I completely understand how you feel, down to the last detail, and there is much you can do to be your own best advocate through the process, I’ve received three no’s already just trying to get estrogen, and I burst through those walls even if a bit forcefully... I was told I had May-Thurner syndrome  which would expose me to huge risk of blood clots during HRT that was previously diagnosed 14 years ago after a motorcycle accident, and I had to fight like hell to get to be seen by the vascular surgeon and re-examined, guess what, I don’t have that syndrome!  I was told I was too big, and in terrible shape, and that it might be too difficult for them to approve me since I have one paralyzed leg and getting in shape would be nearly impossible in my condition. Well their first clue should have been that I walked in to see them when they fully expected me to be in a wheelchair, every doctor I’ve seen is shocked when I walk in. I started eating correctly and exercising daily Which led to my first 50 pounds coming off, and now I am under the 30BMI limit. Again my doctors are astounded how quickly I have achieved this,  I’m not nearly done, I’m going to lose another 30 pounds before this is over. Then I was told since I still had an IVC filter after 14 years that did not get removed soon enough that the filter itself could be the cause of blood cots leading to pulmonary embolysm,  well with a little application of “get off your butt “,  I was prescribed Xarelto as a blood thinner and will be prescribed estrogen shortly. I have regularly attended nearly all the group meetings and met with my therapist without fail, I was open and honest and held nothing back, he recently commented he hasn’t seen anyone quite so well put together and focused before, I believe his comment was “ you’ve got it together more than anyone I’ve ever seen Jackie“,  which astounds me as I don’t feel like I’ve got it together at all !  Now I find like I must advocate for myself again as I feel like my electrologist it’s hurting my face, I think she has her galvanic blend machine turned way too high on the thermolic Settings, which creates way too much heat and damages collagen under the surface of the skin making the patient appeared 10 years older once electrolysis is complete. Nobody told me these things and I wish I looked much closer at this initially, but I’m going to make a change and I found a straight galvanic technician even if she’s just a little bit farther away than I would like.

 Goodness, I really feel like I turned the whole thing back towards myself, sorry I don’t mean to self aggrandize, but I really want to show you you can fight for things. Again I feel exactly the same way you do, I would have exactly the same answer as I’m not as strong as people sometimes think I am, but I also think you can get through anything. Jani  had a very good point, one I have considered many times, and I have friends who are fantastic travelers and speak many languages that would assist me on that sort of journey. Itf it came down to that option you have friends here, those who would  help you get through it all, even if the answer truly was you couldn’t move forward. There are some here to do the best they can with what they have left, which means certain missing aspects of transition must be accepted as a loss, but honestly one would never know this as they are wonderful people to begin with and quite clearly wonderful women as well. I truly believe there should not be many roadblocks in your pathway, but if there are let us now, feel free to PM me if the need for personal support and a shoulder to cry on become important, I know how you feel.

 Big hugs 

Jackie

[Kali-Ann Gills]

21 hours ago, jae bear said:

Hi Kali-Ann,

Honey I completely understand how you feel, down to the last detail, and there is much you can do to be your own best advocate through the process, I’ve received three no’s already just trying to get estrogen, and I burst through those walls even if a bit forcefully... I was told I had May-Thurner syndrome  which would expose me to huge risk of blood clots during HRT that was previously diagnosed 14 years ago after a motorcycle accident, and I had to fight like hell to get to be seen by the vascular surgeon and re-examined, guess what, I don’t have that syndrome!  I was told I was too big, and in terrible shape, and that it might be too difficult for them to approve me since I have one paralyzed leg and getting in shape would be nearly impossible in my condition. Well their first clue should have been that I walked in to see them when they fully expected me to be in a wheelchair, every doctor I’ve seen is shocked when I walk in. I started eating correctly and exercising daily Which led to my first 50 pounds coming off, and now I am under the 30BMI limit. Again my doctors are astounded how quickly I have achieved this,  I’m not nearly done, I’m going to lose another 30 pounds before this is over. Then I was told since I still had an IVC filter after 14 years that did not get removed soon enough that the filter itself could be the cause of blood cots leading to pulmonary embolysm,  well with a little application of “get off your butt “,  I was prescribed Xarelto as a blood thinner and will be prescribed estrogen shortly. I have regularly attended nearly all the group meetings and met with my therapist without fail, I was open and honest and held nothing back, he recently commented he hasn’t seen anyone quite so well put together and focused before, I believe his comment was “ you’ve got it together more than anyone I’ve ever seen Jackie“,  which astounds me as I don’t feel like I’ve got it together at all !  Now I find like I must advocate for myself again as I feel like my electrologist it’s hurting my face, I think she has her galvanic blend machine turned way too high on the thermolic Settings, which creates way too much heat and damages collagen under the surface of the skin making the patient appeared 10 years older once electrolysis is complete. Nobody told me these things and I wish I looked much closer at this initially, but I’m going to make a change and I found a straight galvanic technician even if she’s just a little bit farther away than I would like.

 Goodness, I really feel like I turned the whole thing back towards myself, sorry I don’t mean to self aggrandize, but I really want to show you you can fight for things. Again I feel exactly the same way you do, I would have exactly the same answer as I’m not as strong as people sometimes think I am, but I also think you can get through anything. Jani  had a very good point, one I have considered many times, and I have friends who are fantastic travelers and speak many languages that would assist me on that sort of journey. Itf it came down to that option you have friends here, those who would  help you get through it all, even if the answer truly was you couldn’t move forward. There are some here to do the best they can with what they have left, which means certain missing aspects of transition must be accepted as a loss, but honestly one would never know this as they are wonderful people to begin with and quite clearly wonderful women as well. I truly believe there should not be many roadblocks in your pathway, but if there are let us now, feel free to PM me if the need for personal support and a shoulder to cry on become important, I know how you feel.

 Big hugs 

Jackie

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for your advice. I suppose I did over react. Reading your reply has brought me back to earth. I have had a pretty easy road compared to the challenges that some of us have to face. About time I pulled up my big girls panties and simply get on with it. Thank you for giving me a much needed reality check.

To be honest I don't think I would go abroad for my surgery, one girl I personally know went to Thailand for hers and they released her to early, the poor woman almost bled to death on the plane. If it hadn't been for an American doctor on board she probably wouldn't be here today.  She had a major infection and should not have been allowed to move let alone travel.

I suppose I should be grateful for what I do have really, I have my own nail business,  my own apartment and a man who loves me for what I am. Compared to some of our sisters and brothers I am fortunate indeed, I can at times be guilty of forgetting that and I shouldn't do so.

I have my own demons to contend with just as we all do. However, it was the initial shock of what Robert said. As much as it may be a small possibility it is nonetheless one that I have to consider but I am not going to create my own troubles and I will cross that bridge if it occurs.

I have to say that it is very kind of you to say that I can PM you if I need to. Robert does try to understand what I am going through however, unless it is happening to them they can never truly understand. I will keep your very kind offer in mind and I would hope that you know you can do the same.

I think what is getting to me is the frustration with how long everything seems to take it sometimes feels like a lifetime since my first appointment at the clinic. It sometimes feels as though I am wading through a river of treacle. Progress is painfully slow.

Please take care and once again thank you for your kind words and support

Hugs 

Kali-Ann ? xx 

 

[jae bear]

Hi Kali-Ann,

I myself and all the girls are here for you anytime you need us honey, that is why we are here, and to be honest I have used each and every one of their shoulders myself dampening their sleeves... Each and every one of the moderators and many of the members here have helped me on the path I have been traveling, and they still do. I really find it strange that all of a sudden I’ve been able to stand up under my own power and offer support to anyone, and some day hon you will do the very same, You will be an inspiration, and the one that helps hold up the new girl while she is scared and unsure...  just that very statement makes me want to go way way back into my old posts just to find those words that were given to me by so many others, it’s almost comical! 

I think it’s awesome that you have your own nail salon, I’m very jealous of your skills, I’ve worked with my hands all my life and I just can’t seem to do it,  and yet I am a reasonable artist when I need to be, just don’t ask me to paint my own nails! And as you well know it’s just fun to go to the salon,  Half the reason you go is to have a good time, I personally love it even if I get a lot of odd attention, well who my kidding I love the attention! 

 I also find it very interesting that your partners name is Robert, all of the Roberts in my life have been the most wonderful people, my best friend in high school that I loved dearly was named Robert, I called him Rob. My uncle’s partner is named Robert, and while I don’t see him often enough last months visit was awesome, the fact that there are amazing loving people in the world like Robert gives me hope for humanity. My therapist is named Robert, his kind gentle eyes and his clearly attentive gaze  is intoxicating in his own bookish and quiet way, no wonder girls fall in love with their therapists. So I’m not shocked that you love a Robert, I can only imagine he’s wonderful, but you’re right, unless you’re trans you just won’t ever get it, this is not a negative thing it is just a fact. Having a loved one that is an ally is the most we can ask from the people we care so much about,  someone who gives us the respect of proper pronouns and calls us by the correct name... They don’t have to truly understand to respect and love us. And let’s face it, if Robert truly did understand it probably wouldn’t be long until she was called Roberta, right?

 Great big hugs, 

Jackie

[Kali-Ann Gills]

Just now, jae bear said:

Hi Kali-Ann,

I myself and all the girls are here for you anytime you need us honey, that is why we are here, and to be honest I have used each and every one of their shoulders myself dampening their sleeves... Each and every one of the moderators and many of the members here have helped me on the path I have been traveling, and they still do. I really find it strange that all of a sudden I’ve been able to stand up under my own power and offer support to anyone, and some day hon you will do the very same, You will be an inspiration, and the one that helps hold up the new girl while she is scared and unsure...  just that very statement makes me want to go way way back into my old posts just to find those words that were given to me by so many others, it’s almost comical! 

I think it’s awesome that you have your own nail salon, I’m very jealous of your skills, I’ve worked with my hands all my life and I just can’t seem to do it,  and yet I am a reasonable artist when I need to be, just don’t ask me to paint my own nails! And as you well know it’s just fun to go to the salon,  Half the reason you go is to have a good time, I personally love it even if I get a lot of odd attention, well who my kidding I love the attention! 

 I also find it very interesting that your partners name is Robert, all of the Roberts in my life have been the most wonderful people, my best friend in high school that I loved dearly was named Robert, I called him Rob. My uncle’s partner is named Robert, and while I don’t see him often enough last months visit was awesome, the fact that there are amazing loving people in the world like Robert gives me hope for humanity. My therapist is named Robert, his kind gentle eyes and his clearly attentive gaze  is intoxicating in his own bookish and quiet way, no wonder girls fall in love with their therapists. So I’m not shocked that you love a Robert, I can only imagine he’s wonderful, but you’re right, unless you’re trans you just won’t ever get it, this is not a negative thing it is just a fact. Having a loved one that is an ally is the most we can ask from the people we care so much about,  someone who gives us the respect of proper pronouns and calls us by the correct name... They don’t have to truly understand to respect and love us. And let’s face it, if Robert truly did understand it probably wouldn’t be long until she was called Roberta, right?

 Great big hugs, 

Jackie

Hi Jackie,  

Thanks.  I have always been a bit of an emotional rock unfortunately, at times I resemble a porcupine with feelings sticking out all over the place and that is when I am at my most vulnerable. I realised that the girls here are a fantastic bunch very early on,  I have found a couple of sites in the past however, none were quite what they first purported to be. 

I have always found it difficult to reach out and ask for help not because I am above it but because I felt I had to battle on myself. Robert showed me that there is no shame in needing a leg up once in a while.

I will always try to assist trans girls where ever I can in fact one of my clients is trans.  I have never seen myself as an inspiration however, if that occurs then I will do my absolute best.

I was in the IT sector for many years and one day I decided to go another route and retrained as a Nail technician Robert helped with the salon. He gave up his free time to decorate, lay flooring etc. He really was amazing. BTW Robert is a police officer a sergeant here in Birmingham. He has been on the force for almost thirty years now he hopes to retire in another five. I do worry about him when he is out there. We have been together for almost four years now.

You are so right hunni, he has never used the wrong pronouns and when we are out always introduces me as his girlfriend, who knows maybe one day his wife?. I had a bit of a chuckle about Roberta, hmm maybe it's a good thing he doesn't get it all!!!

Thanks again Jackie.

Hugs back hunni 

Kali-Ann ? xx 

 

[jae bear]

Hey Kali-Ann,

I’ve had quite a few friends from Birmingham over the years, one family owns several British pubs in this area called the Brittania Arms, I really nice place which reminds me I probably should visit more often. Then again too many plates bangers and mash with the odd pint are not gonna do well for my diet!  Yes I suppose it’s good Robert doesn’t get it, and but I’m so happy he understands, and I am ecstatic that he respects you both privately and publicly, what an amazing love the two of you have !

 Hugs, 

 Jackie