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As the crow flies


AsTheCrow

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I'm surprised to hear your official documents like DL say "Jack" rather than your legal name.  You need to think this out to the point you are comfortable with a name that fits your personality.  If you are attached to your birth name, for good reason,  you might consider feminizing it.  Ex: Donald to Donna.  

 

Don't worry about writing too much!  We're here to support each other and this is a safe place to put down your thoughts.  Substituting "alternate, not real" names is a good idea.  

 

Jani

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Thanks.

 

Honestly I have no idea how my driver's license has that nickname on it, but it has, ever since I got my learner's permit as a teenager. And then the bank accounts and everything else just followed the DL, I guess.

 

I have been hoping that since the license already has my old preferred name "Jack" rather than the name on my birth certificate, that putting my new preferred name, Jay, shouldn't be a problem. I doubt it will be as easy as all that, but it would be nice.

 

Since I'm dreaming, though, I might as well go all out! In my dream world, they would let me 1) keep my birth name, 2) add an official Preferred Name that goes on all my IDs, and 3) officially change my gender marker from M to X, N, or O.

 

But I live in Arkansas, and I'm pretty sure at the moment they won't even let me change my gender marker until I have had actual surgeries. Which I'm not planning on doing.

 

Oh well.

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  • 1 month later...

I went out in public dressed in full lady mode for the first time a few days ago. Just to run a couple of errands.

 

It was surprisingly natural and comfortable. I noticed a couple of second glances from people, but mostly it just felt normal.

 

Seems like progress.

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 That is fantastic news !  Just living our daily lives is the best way to be ourselves, giving no concern to others and going about our business while smiling and being content with ourselves is the most important thing we can achieve for ourselves. I encourage you to just continue onward, worry about nothing and have a good time, soon enough the second glances will stop, and even if they were there you wouldn’t bother to notice them, same result if you ask me. I’m really happy to hear that you’re enjoying yourself out in the world, and I bet it has you smiling from ear to ear?

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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Yes great news Jay.  Continue getting out.  Be yourself.  The side glances are sometimes because we are taller than a lot of women.  I know I catch myself looking at tall women when I'm out shopping.  The world will open to you as you get out and get more comfortable.  Hugs! 

Jani

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Thank you both!

 

I don't feel any great joy about this, to be honest. Intellectually I understand it is a milestone, but emotionally it seems like a nonevent. I got some coffee with a friend, went to the store, took my friend to work, and got some lunch. I just happened to be wearing heels, a skirt, and a sweater set.

 

I have been both ill and overworked lately, so I might just be too exhausted for a full emotional response.

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It really is great once you get out into the world as yourself. Enjoy it. Like Jani says it isn’t necessarily that you’re trans when you get looks. It could just be the shirt you’re wearing looks cute to them! 

Jani I think of the tall girl thing like having a new car. You never see one until you buy one. I think I notice every girl over 5’ 10” now. ?

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8 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I think I notice every girl over 5’ 10” now. ?

Yes!  

8 hours ago, Robin said:

People may also look at you because they find you attractive.  

 

Robin.

And certainly YES! 

Jani

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In two days, the CEO of my company is making a visit to this office for the first time EVER. We've all been cleaning and organizing and generally gussying up the place. Looks nice.

 

But also, on the day of his visit we are expected to dress about two notches fancier than our everyday dress code. Men who wear polo shirts are expected to wear shirts and ties.

 

My wardrobe as it currently exists simply doesn't include any clothes that fit that description that fit my body. The only nice clothes I own right now that fit? Is my only outfit of women's clothes.

 

I don't have the money to go out and buy new clothes between now and his visit.

 

SO I GUESS I'M GOING TO WORK IN MY SKIRT AND HEELS THIS THURSDAY!

 

This will be interesting.

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Go Jay!  Be who you are.  

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I can't imagine the stress that this may be causing you if you weren't ready to go to work dressed.  But maybe this is a sign that you should embrace who you are now.  

 

Willow

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It's definitely a surprise, and a milestone I wasn't expecting to hit quite this soon! But compared to the actual stressors in my life, this barely registers. Just a quirk of the timeline, I guess.

 

But I agree with you entirely. I accept these things as signs that I am meant to keep moving forward.

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Never mind, it's not happening. They relaxed the dress code to just one notch fancier than usual, so I don't have to resort to extremes.

 

I'll be able to choose my moment on my own terms now. Still think it might be soon.

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OK take a deep breath and relax.  But know the time when you dress up for work is coming!  Big Hug!!

 

Jani

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It could still be your moment! If you wanted it to be at least. ?

i thought you seemed pretty ready from your first post. Nervous sure, but ready. ??‍♀️?

Kirsten 

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lol. I was feeling resigned to it, I think. Nervous but accepting.

 

But today is the day, and because I didn't have to dress quite as fancy as expected, I pulled something decent together from my menswear wardrobe.

 

It was definitely the path of least resistance, but I might feel a little disappointed in myself for not just going for it anyway -- and that's why I suspect it won't be long before I start incorporating more womenswear into my work clothes.

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I can tell you it was difficult those first few days for me at least, but the sense of accomplishment satisfaction and eventual comfort and relief are well worth it.  I’m sure you’ll be there soon. ?

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 I certainly think that adding more womenswear into your work wardrobe is a great idea, I was quite nervous as well when I started presenting female at work, but the uncomfortable part of that came and went so quickly that I never really had time to think about having anxiety over it.  What I wear now is just accepted as normal, and honestly I can’t even think about presenting as male without it feeling weird. I think it’s good that the situation did not force you to do something that you didn’t want to do on your own, everything needs to be in your time, when you decide it’s time you will know and it will work just fine...  don’t forget that Halloween is coming up, always good opportunities with Halloween costumes ?

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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I'll be on vacation with my chosen family from Oct 30 to Nov 5 -- which means during that time there's no reason or excuse needed for me to dress as I please. It's going to be a great time.

 

I can't recall if I've mentioned this, but the company I work for has an LGBTQ+ employee group at each of our locations, and I'm one of the leaders. I managed to convince my company to be a sponsor of Central Arkansas Pride this year, so I've spent a lot of time over the last few months organizing our sponsorship, festival booth, and presence at the parade.

 

Anyway, Pride was this past Saturday, and it went FANTASTIC. I'm really proud of my company and coworkers, and of myself!

 

On Sunday, there was a 'recovery brunch' for VIPs (I have never been a VIP before, so this was pretty cool), and after the brunch there was a private concert -- by JENNIFER HOLLIDAY. She sang to a group of maybe 50 people including myself and my best friend. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. She is amazing. Phenomenal.

 

She made me cry twice -- once during "I Am Changing" from Dreamgirls which resonated with me as a trans person, and later on there were some technical difficulties so she sang "His Eye Is On The Sparrow" a capella while the sound people fixed the issue, which was seriously the highlight of the whole performance, and wasn't even planned.

 

Anyway, it was a heck of a weekend. I'm exhausted and am still hoarse from yelling and cheering all weekend. And I'm glad I don't have to do this again any time soon.

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A great update Jay!  Thanks for your involvement in the local Pride event as I'm sure it was a great event.  You are certainly a VIP!   I'm sure you deserve a good rest!   

 

Have a wonderful time on your vacation!   

 

Jani

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I am particularly overwhelmed with emotion right now.

 

I'm terrified of what the current incarnation of my government might do to me, and to my trans brothers, sisters, and siblings. Of where my country might be headed. Of where the compassionless might drag us. I'm deeply sad that such a large percentage of the country hates us that a leader who doesn't care either way would do this just to please them. And I'm scared it might work.

 

There's hope there, too, and a confidence that, given time, we will get where we need to go. The wheels of justice are slow, but grind exceedingly fine. And I'm proud that my LGBTQ family is holding strong, fighting back, speaking up.

 

And I'm relieved that I work for a company that makes protecting its employees a real priority. The executives of my company released an internal statement that no matter what the government does, trans employees will be respected and medical benefits will continue to support us.

 

And of course I'm SO EXCITED that I get to spend a week with my chosen family. The hype is real!

 

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all i can say is donald trump is a abhorrent fool blame your own people for voting in this fool all i can say stick with it or upsticks to another country where they have a better system of dealing with things i believe canada is a shining example of a wonderful lead country

 

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I welcome advice and conversation, as long as it doesn’t involve placing blame on my loved ones for other people’s bigotry. 

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Today I am FEELING GOOD! My vacation starts tomorrow, and in addition to having a week away from work, I'll be with my beloved chosen family! And you can be sure I will dress however I feel like dressing, with nothing but support from them, and hearing nothing but my real name and pronouns. I'm super blessed to have them in my life, regardless of how very seldom I get to see most of them.

 

Also I think I might get my nails done tomorrow morning. Some nice pretty acrylics with a French manicure. ELEGANT. Yes, I think I might do that.

 

Hope everyone's doing well!

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