Desperate, confused and depressed

[Frank]

Hello, I am a 19 years old girl from Venezuela, since I was a little kid I've always liked to dress like a boy and play with boy's toys, I had a girlfriend during my early teenage phase, my parents (religious) got extremely mad with it but till today they haven't brought up the topic again so I assume they forgot about it.

My parents tried to force me to be "girly and flirty" multiple times by buying me clothes I disliked until I turned 15 and stopped caring about that, I've always felt more comfortable dressing like a boy or "androgynous" because I dislike dresses, skirts, sandals, adjusted shirts (I don't like looking myself on the mirror and watching my boobies).

Lately I have been fantasizing a lot (EVERYDAY) with being a man, even on my sexual fantasies I'm the guy, which made me wonder if I'm actually trans.

I have done things like pretending I am a man online when I was younger, I have taken it too far at the point of editing my voice in calls to sound like a guy, at some times I thought I was actually a guy, It's hard to explain with words, I guess when you tell yourself a lie for too long you start believing it.

I wish I could contact a gender therapist or something but:

1.  I can't afford it, the economic situation in this country is horrible.
2.  There are not gender therapists in Venezuela, the society is years behind, so even if I could afford it I can't get to one.

I wish I could find out if I'm actually trans or I'm just confused (maybe because of my depression), this situation gets me terribly bad, everytime I look in the mirror I mess up with my hair to see how would I look with a short hair (my mom doesn't want me to get a haircut), I see myself as a man, I don't like looking at my sexual parts, I feel they don't belong to me and I would prefer to have a -censored- penis. I came out to my grandma and my best friend but that hasn't helped anything since I can't start doing anything to actually feel better, it's sad having to pour my sorrow on internet but I'm really desperate.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Frank,

Welcome to TransPulse.   I would have to say this. If you feel that you are a male, then that's what you are. A male. I'm aware that the economic situation in Venezuela is not good so it's understandable that you cannot afford a therapist. The next best thing is to talk with us here. We have many members here who can give you advice on how to handle unsupporting parents and how to appear more manly. Feel free to ask questions. I'm sure you'll get answers. If you haven't already, join the chat here. You'll be able to chat one on one with knowledgeable trans men who can give you good advice. Good luck.

 

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Frank.  I empathize with your situation, and I am so sorry that your situation is so difficult.  But it will not always be so.  I don't know if you have plans for college or work, but its in your best interest right now to make the best of your situation, earn some money (I know its difficult down there) and save for a better future.

 

There may be gender therapists either in Venezuela or other South American countries that practice online therapy, and that may be an option for now.  Or you may be able to emigrate in the future.  Just take it one day at a time, hon.  Things do change, and sometimes faster than you can imagine.

 

In the meantime, as MaryEllen said, you are here with us, and we'll help you all we can.  Best wishes.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Frank.  I found a great deal of help sharing here and reading about others.  We are here to help as we can.

Please remember you are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Frank and thanks for joining us.  I agree with Carolyn that now is the time to take care of your future by getting your education or a good job.  Things will get better in Venezuela and with your life.  As noted, we are here to talk to in the meantime. 

 

Jani