Carla

[Carla G]

I'll probably keep this relatively brief - I spent several years logging my dysphoria into a journal and don't wish to write an essay on the topic.  I much prefer shorter interactions and answering questions.

 

Hello, I'm Carla.  That wasn't my birth name, though, as I was Assigned Male At Birth.  Born in the Midwest to Midwestern parents, my father's employer moved us to the East Coast when I was an infant, and my parents had four more children after me, making me the eldest of five.  I grew up in a fairly religious family - fairly tolerant, not Bible thumpers, but with a specific set of life expectations.  Go to school, attend a religious college, participate in church service, get married, have children, etc.  It's what I was taught, and any other way of being was too foreign of a thought to form.  My siblings and I varied in how close we were as we grew up, but generally we loved each other.  My father was big on gender conforming - he couldn't understand my love of stuffed animals, and when I once decided to snuggle with one of my brothers, I got very much yelled at for it.

 

I first remember wishing I could be female in high school.  Considering what it might be like.  Sometime around then I saw a bit of the anime Ranma 1/2 and remember being a bit envious.  If only I could be a girl sometimes.  But that's as far as the thoughts ever got - being a different gender wasn't a thing anyone could do, as far as I knew.  Moving onto college, I started playing MMOs online.  In one called Pristontale, I started playing as a female character.  I made some friends and just wanted to be treated like any one of the girls.  I made no mention about being male outside of the game, and hid the game from others I knew in real life.  It wasn't something I felt I could share with anyone.  I eventually had to give up that game as I hit the level cap for a free account and couldn't afford the subscription at the time.

 

Having strong expectations of what I should do with my life placed on me by my parents and church, I wasn't very self-motivated and fell out of college.  Between depression and working various jobs and attempts to return to school, I discovered Final Fantasy XI Online.  There, I again played a female character and wanted to be treated as such.  At that point in my life, if someone in-game directly asked me if I was a guy, I would tell them, but would ask them that they not change how they treated me.  I made a good group of friends, and in the course of playing, one of my friends informed me that the leader of our linkshell (like a guild) was transgender, and they wondered what I thought about her.  I didn't really know what "transgender" meant, then, and after just assuming that it meant a guy who wanted to be like or dress like a girl, I decided that there wasn't anything wrong with it and it wouldn't change how I treated her.  Again, the thought was too alien to my own being for me to apply it to myself, and nothing came of it then.

 

I made another stab at returning to college, and actually threw myself into classes.  Unfortunately, due to internet filters at college disrupting game patches, lack of time due to taking far too many credits, and dwindling funds, I eventually canceled my Final Fantasy subscription.  I made friends in real life, dated a few girls casually, and otherwise was taking strides towards fulfilling my parents' expectations... mostly.  During my summer break, my friends got me into My Little Pony.  My love of musicals and the hidden references, plus the strong messages of friendship and acceptance made me love the show.  I generally tried to hide this from people.  My parents didn't know what to make of it.  This got me through most of my sophomore year, when I discovered Minecraft and made friends online through it.  I ended up joining some online RP groups where I actually played a male character.  Through these, though, I met someone else who was transgender... and I found out that she was taking hormones to transition!  Until then, I hadn't known that there was anything that could be done.  Unfortunately for me, this is where my religious upbringing kicked in, and sent me reeling for a long time.  I was starting to realize that there was something I could do, but this flew in the face of everything I had been raised to believe, everything that I was supposed to do with my life and become.  I started to sort of date a guy for a while online, and after some terrible drama that left me extremely low for a while, I came back with a female character.

 

Over the next few years, I researched quite a bit and started to realize that I was transgender and that through all of my years of depression, I'd been unhappy in my male body.  I began to date guys more seriously online.  I started keeping a journal about how I felt, what I thought about being transgender, memories that might indicate that I was trangender.  I reached out to my old FFXI linkshell leader for advice and information about where to find books I could read, and those books rang so true to me.  One of my friends introduced me to several other transgender friends of his so that I could talk to others who had had similar upbringings to myself.  I eventually decided that there would be no way that I could transition while living with my parents, so I made plans to move across the country to be with my boyfriend.   My mother became more and more concerned about my change in behavior and sudden desire to move in with someone I'd never met in person.  She asked me at one point if I was gay, which I was stunned by, but chose to answer no, as that wasn't technically correct.  Finally, as she became more and more concerned, I decided I loved her too much to leave her in the dark.  I sat down with her, and after several false starts where my voice cut out, I eventually was able to tell her that I was transgender, and that I was moving across the country to be with my boyfriend.  I don't remember much about that conversation, other than vague bits.  I'm pretty sure I cried.  I seem to remember that she was disappointed, but not angry or upset.  She didn't know exactly what to think, especially as to where it left her from a religious standpoint, since she felt she had a moral responsibility to be there for and support her children, but also it seemed to go against her beliefs.  My mother revealed to me that her brother, my uncle, had tried to transition at one point and had made a lot of progress, but due to a lot of pressure from his wife's family, he gave up.  After a bit, we finished talking and went our separate ways.  A few weeks later, however, she took me aside and told me that she might be okay with calling me Carla.  I didn't like the name at the time, but I didn't outright reject it.

I moved across the country to Washington.  There, my boyfriend encouraged me to find a support group to meet up with, since I had no idea what to do about anything.  After a few false starts due to confusion with the area bus schedules and the group changing their meeting place, I finally met them.  They asked me what I wanted to be called.  I didn't know - I hadn't decided on a name, and I didn't want to be called by the name I'd been given at birth, so I said I didn't know.  As the evening went on, however, I told them what my mom had said to me, and that I guessed they could call me Carla, at least for the time being.  With suggestions from my new friends, I was able to get insurance scraped together and began taking hormones before the year was out.  Within a few weeks, they also helped me find and try on some women's clothing.  Three of us went out to Taco bell that night where all three of us transwomen were called ladies!  I was ecstatic for the clothing and finally being called a woman!  Each little thing made me happier and more sure that what I was doing was right.

 

Soon after, I started to come out to my siblings over the phone.  After talking it over with my mother, I called my immediate younger brother first.  We were the closest in age and pretty close relationship-wise.  He was surprised by the news, but supportive and loving.  Next, I called one of my sisters who I was closest to.  She was also very surprised, but at the same time, was excited to have an older sister!  I gave it a few days before calling my other brother and sister, as my relationship wasn't as great with either of them.  My youngest brother ended up marrying a very religious woman and was very unsure about it, and kept going with questions like, "are you sure...?" and "what about...?"  He still doesn't approve, but he has at least gotten to the point where he is respectful enough to no longer use my dead name to my face.  However, he refuses to call me a woman or sister, and his children aren't allowed to call any of my siblings "uncle" or "aunt" - only use their given names.  My youngest sister and I have never had the best of relationships.  She was surprisingly okay with the news at first, but a few months later, turned around and told me that I would never be a woman and kept citing scripture at me.

 

I was most afraid of telling my dad, as I didn't know what he'd do.  Our relationship had never been cordial, and I was afraid of him disowning me or becoming violent or something.  After letting my mother know that I planned to tell him soon, I eventually came out to him late at night, before he went to bed.  He seemed to take it well... too well.  My dad is the type to bottle things up and let them all come out at once.  According to my mom, he exploded a few days later.  For a while, he cycled back and forth between being okay with it and letting his friends know that I was his transgender daughter, to being upset and asking "why is this happening to me?"  Eventually things seemed to stabilize, or my mother stopped telling me about his attitude.  With all of my immediate family informed, I chose Transgender Day of Visibility to come out on Facebook.  I was very nervous, but submitted the name, gender, and photo changes.  Many people congratulated me on coming out - including friends from church who I hadn't expected would be supportive.  Friends, extended family.  A few people thought it was a joke, as it was the day before April Fool's.  But it went well.

 

By that time, I'd gotten a second job, and although I was poor, I had just enough money to spend a day in the beginning of May 2016 getting my name legally changed.  After that, I took a letter from my doctor to the Social Security office and started the process to get my gender marker changed, and from there, went to the DMV to get a new ID.  Unfortunately, there was a step I missed in getting my gender marker updated on my ID, but I was able to get that corrected a few weeks later.  I came out to my boss at my new job, and contacted HR at my other job to begin the steps for coming out there as well.  By June, I was truly living as Carla full-time.

 

A few months later, some things had changed in my relationship and I decided to move to North Carolina to be with someone else.  Unfortunately, due to the HB2 "Bathroom Bill," I was very nervous and rushed to take steps to use my insurance the best I could in the remaining time I had in Washington, and also to get my birth certificate updated.  I did, and I moved.  I've been in North Carolina ever since, but due to relationship turmoil, moves, and delay, I've not progressed much further physically, though I've made friends and become more comfortable with myself as a woman.

 

This ended up being a lot longer than I intended.  Feel free to ask questions if you'd like.

[Jani]

I know its cathartic to write our thoughts.  I'm glad you took the time to write.  I keep a log that I update as I have something to say.  I'm sorry that some of your siblings aren't supportive of you but you have the others who are.  Living full time is so nice!  I'm sorry that you've found it hard being in NC but I'm sure you'll do fine.  It seems like you are a fairly resilient person.  

 

Jani