Help please

[RobB]

Hi everybody, thanks to acceptance, I am the single father of a young man who I cared since 3 years old, and told me yesterday that was now a woman, and showed me his new ID card, with a female name. I am a very open mind person, I thought we were real mates, without any secrets, I even avoided to rebuild a family not to harm him with strangers, I feel confused, frustrated in real pain, my life simply lost any sense, has someone experienced a similar situation?

[VickySGV]

You are not alone -- Keep that in mind.  Those of us who are Trans really never know when our lives as our birth gender are going to become too heavy for us to bear, but it comes out.  A good chance is that your daughter has finally come to the end of living for others.  You must have put some wonderful parenting into all that time, and she was scared to the point that she felt it would hurt you to know the Gender secret.  The way our societies are today though makes Trans people ashamed of themselves and feel that this is too terrible a secret that we keep it from ourselves.  Even we go through a period of Grief that can last a long time when we reach the point of telling the truth to ourselves.  You are in a period of grief over the same things, same grief, just different starting dates which means a few more (???) for you to go.,

 

As far as you two being "mates", there is no need to set that aside.  Now she can be fully honest with both of you (you and herself) and I will guess, in a much better place to give back the love you gave her, even when you though she was a he,  This is what I hear daily from my friends who are the parents' of Trans Children.  The love and confidence will continue since she is still the same person you parented, just a little better version of that person. 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Rob,

Welcome to TransPulse.  I would wonder why the reason she kept this secret from you. Most likely it was the fear that you would reject her. Did you indeed react badly?  One thing you should know. She is still the same person as when she was presenting male toward you. Did you love her when you thought she was a male?  Do you hate her now that she has revealed this terrible secret to you?  This is something she had no control over. She has probably felt that she was female her entire life. Even if it's hard for you, you should try to embrace this new daughter. If you don't feel that you can do this, then you need to walk away. In the long run, this would be better for both of you.

 

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Rob, I do understand how confusing this must be, and how hurt you feel.  My spouse felt the same way.  She thought she knew me, but only saw the side that I chose to present to her.

 

Your daughter needs you right now more than ever.  Please try and understand that this is not something she chose, it has been with her likely since birth, and she kept it hidden from you, and perhaps herself, out of fear, confusion, uncertainty and doubt.  What both of you need is time to absorb this new information, to come to terms with it, and what it means for your futures. 

 

There is much good materials on the Web to help you understand who she is and what she needs, and help you cope with it in a way that will help you to understand her and accept her.  I wish you all the best.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Hello RobB and thanks for joining us in search of understanding.  My friends have offered a lot of good advice and ideas for moving forward.  I will say that coming out and telling you of this change in their life was probably one of the most difficult moments for your son, now daughter.  I second the notion that they are the same person, as my best and closest friend has told me the I am still the same.  While I understood this, it was nice to hear it from someone I love and respect.   Please offer your love and respect to your child, no matter how old they are! 

Jani  

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Rob,

I can understand your feelings. It's natural to be surprised that someone you feel so close to would not tell you something so close to their heart. 

I did that to my dad. For 50 years he had no idea, and it's actually *because* of how close I felt to him. We were (and are) so close that I was petrified of losing that. And it's impossible to know for sure how someone will react...even a father that you're as close to as anyone in the world. 

This is a huge shock for you. But your daughter needs you more now than ever and she really is the same person you've always known, just more whole and in the long run I expect she'll be even happier. Please do you best to be supportive, but also don't be afraid to express your feelings too in as supportive a way as you can. She needs to understand how you're feeling as well.

Best,
Julie

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome  Rob,

  I was both ashamed of myself for the way i felt and worried that i would hurt myself and others if i was honest.  The fact that your child is able to open up to you now is a tribute to love.  Please try to be as patient and accepting as you can be.  Relationships may change but i found that the relationships i have with my family are now deeper and more open than they have ever been.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Rob,

 

I am not a parent, so I can't answer from that perspective. All I can do is say how I felt with my parents and family.

 

I grew up taught by society in my home region that to be trans was to be perverted. While this is completely not true, it was the bias that I had learned. It made me feel like I was doing wrong to want to be a girl. I felt guilty and ashamed. I was terrified of rejection and ostracism. Though my fears proved to be unfounded in the end, they were crippling. We are often terrified of loosing our loved ones and hide this secret even when we are open about others.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?