Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


I'm new here. An introduction...

Recommended Posts


I have literally only just accepted the label non-binary in the last few days, but I have always felt this way. I now know I am fine and can be mentally healthy if I'm just left alone but I was raised in a strict Mormon household which expected girls to act in a very constricted way. Before puberty I was fantasizing about never getting my period or growing breasts and being taken to the doctor where he would say that there had been a mistake and I was boy. I thought every woman in Mormonism must feel the same way, because being a woman sucked so much for me. I wanted to transition before I even knew that people really did that. But I also knew that I was attracted to men and this made me keep my mouth shut, because if I did become a man somehow I would be gay. Although I didn't know whether being trans was "wrong" until later, I knew that being gay was "wrong". My parents would say now that they would have accepted me, whatever I was, but I heard things as a kid that made me believe that I was bad.


I was Mormon until I was 21 or so and I internalized everything that they taught me. I had crippling self-esteem problems. I was miserable, and every time I did something that suited me it was something I wasn't supposed to do. I went to engineering school and people thought it was an expensive hobby. "At least you'll be able to teach your kids maths until the end of high school". I love engineering and science, particularly computer science. I remember wanting to program computers in primary school because I was fascinated by my dad's one. I would hear that it was selfish for a woman to work outside the home often on Sundays, and on these dumb-ass forced dates at church as soon as the guy heard what he did he would turn away and not speak to me for the rest of the night. I didn't even intend to break the rules -- it was an unwritten rule that I broke.


I got so used to people being disappointed in me that I didn't even choose to hang around with people who accepted me. I thought I needed to hang around people with high standards because that would encourage me to be the best I could be. So even after I found out some things about Mormonism which caused me to leave my self-esteem didn't improve. At 24, I had been cutting since my teens and had just survived three intensive care stays and months of secure psych ward because of suicide attempts. Despite being very angry to have survived each time, people still assumed I did it for attention. Apparently my mother's therapist told her she had to set strict boundaries and not accept my -crap-, which basically meant she could do things which were legitimate triggers for me and threaten to throw me out if I reacted.


I was 25 before I found and accepted the friendship of someone who knew all of this and accepted me, and that was life-changing. I managed to leave home and I've been allowed to be myself for a while now. I'm usually indifferent to being in a female body as long as the fact I am female is not the focus -- I hate hate HATE being a "woman in tech" but I get that a lot. I had to quit my engineering degree because of my psych issues but I went back and I've got a computer science degree now. I'm almost finished my Masters of Cybersecurity. I've only just started talking to a select few people about how I've been feeling about my gender. I don't think I can overstate how big an impact those feelings have had on my life but I always thought I'm invisible and there was no one like me. I didn't think I was "trans" because if I'm just left alone I don't feel the need to transition and possibly if I wasn't in such a repressive environment self-esteem issues wouldn't have developed. Basically, I felt like my problems weren't "real" enough, even though I've been trying to work through them for almost two decades.


I'm really hoping I can help out any other people who feel the same. I went to suicide prevention training because I wanted to help people who ever felt as bad as I did. I've found that helping lift other people up helps me cope as well.

Share this post

Link to post

Hi, Welcome to the forum :)


Thank you for your introduction. I am glad you have managed to turn things around and make good progress. Your upbringing will sound very familiar to many. Parents do have difficulty understanding, and can easily be swayed by what the see as expert opinion. Most religion, whatever faith, is pretty much tied back into the past so unless the local leader, priest etc, is very enlightened there is often little support. The words you have written so far, even though unhappy in your earlier days, will help some to understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad that you now have found it.


Please fell free to join in. You will find people here friendly and understanding as they have progressed similar journeys or are just beginning and unhappy.



Share this post

Link to post

Hey welcome!  I'm sorry to read that your youth was difficult but it seems you are doing better now.

On 8/30/2018 at 4:02 AM, WeaselSoup said:

I was 25 before I found and accepted the friendship of someone who knew all of this and accepted me, and that was life-changing. I managed to leave home and I've been allowed to be myself for a while now.

This is always a turning point, being away from past influences and being able to determine your own path.  Unfortunately family and religions can be restricting since they want you to conform to their ideals.  You need to be who you are.  You are not invisible!  You are real.  There is value in who you are and want you do.  


Wow a degree in cyber security is awesome.  I can imagine there are lots of opportunities in that field of endeavor.  Best of luck.  


Helping others is a wonderful way to get involved and help yourself at the same time.  Thanks for sharing your story.  




Share this post

Link to post

Welcome, WeaselSoup! You've found a great place and we're glad to have you.


You've been through a lot, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But I've got to confess, I love reading people's stories of hardship -- because it means they're still around to tell the tale.


Yeah, you've been through a lot of things you didn't deserve, but you have come through it with knowledge of yourself, a field of study, and training to help people through the worst times in their lives. AND you're about to get a Master's degree? Damn, you should be SO PROUD of yourself. I certainly am.


I hope to see you around here for a long time to come! You have a lot to offer the community, and hopefully we can offer something for you in return.

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.   I understand how isolated you've felt, and I'm sorry for that situation.  But things do change, and perhaps coming here will be a step towards positive change in you life.  You will find, I'm certain, others who feel misunderstood and alone.  Sharing your stories can only be of help.




Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 56 Guests (See full list)

    • Cheyenne skye
    • Ellora
  • Who Was Online

    107 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Cheyenne skye
    • Ellora
    • Janeshannon
    • Alex C
    • Blair
    • Leo
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
    • NoNamePlease
    • KymmieL
    • ToniTone
    • Dev
    • Willa
    • MaryMary
    • michelle_kitten
    • Josie Beth
    • VickySGV
    • Astrid
    • Alixander
    • SaraAW
    • CharlotteVictoria
    • Topher
    • Kelva
    • MaryEllen
    • Amber Marie
    • Stevi
    • Jani
    • Laura Beth
    • Alaa
    • Kirsten
    • nitehwk
    • Susan R
    • EvanC
    • DeeDee
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • SugarMagnolia
    • reyindium
    • emoblitz00
    • DevilDog
    • Jocelyn
    • Kris-Boston
    • FrankyForNow
    • anna's mom
    • jo_g
    • sara albert
    • Petra Jane
    • MsLindaV
    • sophiegg
    • JuanMenendez813
    • Zoey
    • Carly Hughes
    • Bobbyd
    • Susan
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Maid In Bedlam
    • Alastair
    • Taja
    • Candymine
    • tapeleg42
    • Jackson Max
    • gaypricot
    • Clara84
    • Sadly Samuel
    • xDJx
    • Kate king
    • Cyndee
    • jae bear
    • AsTheCrow
    • Robin
    • Charlize
    • Timber Wolf
    • Tessa
    • Katy Ann
    • Rachael
    • CynthiaJames
    • CaraMC
    • Ronin82
    • tracy_j
    • Janae
    • Mackenzie Holiday
    • Arya
    • Anslee_24
    • Fish(i just want answers)
    • Cindy Truheart
    • figuringitout
    • Willow
    • galayogeda
    • Nichole Spencer
    • LotsOQs026
    • Ted
    • Lorry
    • paige_40s
    • Lexa83
    • Michelle F
    • Sandra's journey
    • gracey01
    • Wrightful
    • Mybuttlost
    • Dani1
    • Ashlee
    • killjoyaiden
    • Kole Rickard
    • Jennaroxie
    • Elyssia
    • Spyke01
    • lauraincolumbia
    • Yamel
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Chrystopher
      (23 years old)
    2. Elias
    3. SighDraws
      (26 years old)
    4. Taja
      (42 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      If this policy is not blocked by the courts, the result will be more trans women murdered and assaulted.  If homeless trans folk cannot find shelter in an appropriate place, they will either live on the street, or seek housing in men's shelters, where they will be preyed upon.  But hey, trans folk are unimportant to this administration, so if more of us die, its no sweat off their backs.     Carolyn Marie  
    • Ellora
      TOns of nostalgia for sure! It’s funny how I can remember back to those days and what I was doing back then, who I was hanging with while I was playing. I started out PvP, but that’s cause the girl I was seeing at the time, played wow, and she is the one that got me to start. I don’t like pvp that much, cause I don’t enjoy getting ganked while I’m questing. It was kinda fun at Wintergrasp, and some battlegrounds. But it sucks questing alone. As for PvE, I don’t mind questing alone, but I do miss the Raids. My guild doesn’t have as many people as we used to, and I haven’t Raided with my old group forever. The new Characters are fun tho. Allied Races are a bit op at times, but I love it. Tell me if you ever start up again! We could quest together, and I could run you though some dungeons. 😊 
    • Alex C
      Hugs K 
    • Alex C
      thanks girls...very interesting observation 
    • Blair
      Hahah indeed ^ . ^ Cool though! Glad to have started when it came out as I really liked BC...though that could just be nostalgia talking 😄 Had a pretty cool soundtrack though that is for sure.
    • Josie Beth
      What really irritated me in a companion article was that he endorsed people with very slanderous views about lgbtq people. Including the one who compared the community to isis! Really? I’m sorry but I don’t see any lgbtq people driving around in US supplied tanks and armored vehicles going town to town and beheading people for disagreeing with them, or just for kicks. I don’t see any of us strapping bombs to ourselves and blowing up outdoor markets. I don’t see any of us demanding shariah law (well maybe a few odd cases but those are individuals) so it’s not a community platform. Maybe we can be seen as subversive to some who really think that we are a threat to how they choose to live but it’s really a delusion. The only thing I’ve seen at the core of the issue is the desire to be free and those who choose to impede that freedom. I really don’t think isis shares that point of view. To them freedom is one sided. Perhaps these idiots should look in the mirror and see how close they are in ideology to the middle eastern boogie man?
    • VickySGV
      The problem with impeachment is that the Senate is the jury that needs to convict him of the offenses, and we know that with McConnell in there, that will not happen, in fact McConnell can even refuse to have the matter heard there so impeachment will be hollow and ineffective.  Presenting the evidence during the campaign next year will hopefully make even Trumps devotees wake up and at least not vote for him. 
    • Astrid
      As Kirsten mentioned, a name of She will create attention toward you...for a variety of reasons.  Even non-judgmental folks may react with a bit of confusion.  And most folks, I suspect, would require an explanation first that you're using She as a proper name and not just a pronoun, before adjusting thereafter.  In other words, if you have a desire to "stop all the questions," an unusual name like that will not stop them.   Best of luck!   Astrid
    • Jani
      Great news Kirsten!  Did you think you'd be here one year ago???   Jani
    • CharlotteVictoria
      Weights? Like Dumbells and such :o? If so, what size (i have access to i think..they're 10lbs at the moment. Will those suffice?)?? I've done forward lunges before, but i tend to lose my balance and feel a strain in my feet, so i was never sure if i was doing them right, do you have any tips ;^_^? Don't want to get half way down and then go ALL the way down flat on my ass, you know xD? Resistance bands i do have. I have the "Spri" ones that are kinda like...wide and rectangular, do those work? 2 tbsp, got it! Thank you!!!! Ah, i did forget that. I heard about and witnessed the risk of mental instability when it came to hrt...which scares me....a lot...it wouldn't be an over-exaggeration to say i'm petrified of the idea...anything that can be done in that department? Classic saying, that. Which you're very right about xD! ? Off topic: Any idea how to edit posts? wanted to change something in my original one ;^_^...
    • Ellora
      I started around BC too. it isssss really addicting 😝
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon, and thank you for sharing how you feel and what's going on in your life.  Keeping things inside is never a good thing, and you recognize that, which helps.  Opening up to us here, even if we're all relatively anonymous, is a step in the right direction.  I hope you continue to let us into your life, if even just a little, so we can offer whatever help that we can.  That's what we do around here; offer support, information, and a place to vent.  Anything you need from us, any time of day or night, someone will be here for you.   It gets better, hon.  It does.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Josie Beth
      It’s just another example of politicians bait and switch. And yes there’s too much petty “change things back” politics that have absolutely no bearing on the real issues he ran on. What about balancing the budget? Creating more jobs? Improving the quality of life for all Americans? For someone so persuasive about that it sure seems like he wants to exclude a growing segment of the population from those benefits. Isn’t personal bias supposed to have no place in executive decision? Shouldn’t it be impeachable to lie during campaign speeches or when bringing personal bias into the office of president?
    • Kirsten
      Add weights to your squats, and add in lunges. Forward and backwards. Also adding weights to those will help. Or resistance bands.  Be careful with peanut butter. It may be high in protein, but it’s also very high in fats. It’ll make you chunky before it makes you thick. I go by the rule of 2 tbsp of pb a day max.    I didnt notice anything mentioned about hrt either. That will do a good job of shaping yourself as well but it is all limited due to your genes too. Like the old adage goes.... You get what you get and don’t get upset. Cause it’s better than what you had rite?! 😜
    • Kirsten
      Like your actual first name will be She? That’s very interesting I guess. But it’ll create a lot of questions I’m sure.  I have a friend who changed her name to Mädchen when she transitioned. It means girl in German. We call her Maddie though. Maybe something like that could be an option as well. 
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...