Conflicting physical and social dysphoria

[Terry]

It's been a while since I've posted anything about my progress, other than the occasional post about hair removal. This is simply because I'm taking it slow and I really need my time to make sense of everything.

 

One thing that I really struggle to sort out is the fact that how I feel about my body and about my social role doesn't really go together well.

 

When it comes to my body, it's not just that I dislike my maleness. To be totally honest I would prefer a female body. Even wearing breast forms "feels right".

 

Socially it's a totally different story. I would go so far and say I'm quite comfortable the way everything is (and how I'm being perceived). I work in an environment where gender plays almost no role - I've always been in a similar situation - and I can wear what I like, so that's gender neutral clothes. Other than using the men's room (which I even find convenient for hygienic reasons, avoiding long queues etc.) there is not much gender specific in my life. It might be minimally male-leaning and that's okay for me. The rare occasions when I'm forced to wear something formal however do make me feel very uncomfortable and I think that's because formal wear is heavily gendered. I don't think I would be even remotely more comfortable wearing women's clothes than men's clothes. It might even be worse, because they are designed to expose the body. And it's this last aspect which would then make it difficult to have a female body shape in the first place.

 

The last experiences I had with a more gendered environment were probably my visits to the barber (obviously only men) and to the beauty salon where I get my laser hair removal done (not surprisingly mostly female customers). I can clearly say that I feel completely out of place in both settings.

 

Does this sound familiar to anybody? How do/did you deal with it?

 

Thanks a lot,

Terry

[Jani]

Thanks for checking in.   Taking it slow and easy is a wise move.   Before we can come to complete peace we need to understand ourselves, our motivations and fears.  It appears you are on your way to that realization.  Good!   The beauty of being androgyne (as I understand it) is you can flow between genders and presentation as your mood and spirit moves you.  The world is a lot more gendered than we first realize, but we don't have to perpetuate it by living in a stereotypical manner.  As to feeling out of place, why?  Don't be concerned about the others there, be concerned about yourself.  You're there because you need a service they provide to people.  As time passes we all seem to gain comfort in our selves and our presentation.  Keep working on it. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Terry]

Thanks for the encouragement Jani! Being concerned about others is probably my weak spot (or rather my biggest one, there are more...). This is one of the many things where I can learn a lot on this forum. It's really great to have found this place. Even if I don't post much, I do read a lot and keep learning from all the awesome people on here.

[Jani]

That's good.  Please stay in touch!

Jani