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cassian

Transguy in the South

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cassian

Greetings everyone, 

 

My name is Cassian and I use he/him or they/them pronouns. I'm a nonbinary transguy who was assigned female at birth. Even though I've known for about five years that I am definitely not cisgender, I'm still experimenting with and figuring out labels. When I first came out, I came out a genderfluid person who used exclusively they/them pronouns. While I totally think this gender identity is valid (and same goes to the exclusive use of they/them pronouns), I think that when I first started using this label, I used it as a way to deal with still expressing myself in a traditionally feminine way. I was nowhere near being able to come out, had long hair, didn't own a binder, and went to a Catholic school where I was required to wear a skirt every day. I think part of the reason I chose that label back then was to feel valid even if I was dressing in a feminine way. Now, I think that label may still fit, but I've changed a lot in five years. I've come out to my family and at school. I use my name and pronouns at school and at home, own two binders, own a packer, and dress in a traditionally masculine or neutral way. This has given me the chance to think about my gender and how I feel without worrying so much about not feeling valid. My gender does feel fluid. But it fluctuates differently than how I defined it a few years ago. Due in part to a poor explanation of genderfluidity and to cisnormity, I felt that my gender had to fluctuate between three things: completely masculine, completely neutral, and completely feminine. Now, I realise that fluctuations between completely masculine, completely neutral, mostly neutral with some feminine feelings, and anything in between allows me to use the term genderfluid and still feel valid. 

 

So that's my identity, I guess. I do believe that I'm genderfluid, but the terms genderfluid boy or nonbinary boy make me feel the most comfortable. 

 

For the most part, my coming out experience has been fine. I've had wonderful, supportive, and loving friends and an amazing and understanding boyfriend. My family now uses the correct name and he/him pronouns, but still makes comments they really shouldn't. Coming out to them was a process, to say the least. My biggest problem now is actually physically transitioning. I've cut my hair, changed my wardrobe, bought binders and packers, and done about all I can do without any medical transitioning. And I do want to transition. I want to start T and eventually get top surgery as well as legally change my name and gender marker. Living in the south makes that hard though. Resources are slim and far away. Plus, my mom won't let me start T, even if I can pay for it myself. I "don't deserve it." Right now, I'm kind of stuck. I want to further my transition, but there isn't much I can do right now. 

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AsTheCrow

Hey! Glad you're here!

 

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, but in the opposite direction. I was amab, and a few years ago I started going by they/them and IDing as genderqueer/nonbinary. Time and introspection are leading me more in the mtf direction, and I'm moving toward she/her pronouns and considering transition. The laws in Arkansas makes medical and legal transition a real challenge, but it's not really on my radar any time soon anyway.

 

Anyway you've found a supportive place, and I hope to see you around!

 

 

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Timber Wolf

Hi Cassian,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

What ever you decide to do, you are worth it! It doesn't matter what other people tell you, you are worth it.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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MaryEllen

Hello Cassian,

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing with us. :)

 

MaryEllen

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Jani

Hi Cassian and welcome.  

 

I wouldn't be too concerned with labels.  Just be who you are and once things eventually settle in you can apply one if you feel its important.  

 

That's good that your family uses your name and pronouns despite not agreeing with it.  Maybe they would come around at some point when you are on your own.  I assume you live with your parents from what you've written.  There is plenty of time to continue transition, as many of us here can attest you're never too old.  Prepare yourself for the future.

 

Cheers, Jani  

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Cassian.  Thanks for sharing your story with us.  We do have a lot of trans men here, so you will have good advice and support coming your way.  I'm glad that your coming out process and transition have gone reasonable well so far.  Wising you continued success.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Charlize

Welcome Cassian.  I'm glad you are finding a way to be yourself regardless of being in the south.  I've spent some time in Miss. I know it isn't the most accepting space(to say the least).  

I think we are all a bit of a mixture.  I know my feelings vary and while i am female there is a male component within me which i can't and don't want to deny.  I'm just me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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