Nervous about switching bathrooms

[rigelthebrightest]

I've been on t for a few months now but I've still been using the women's restroom bc I'm worried about getting called out in the men's room. The problem is I'm starting to look too masculine to be in the women's room but I still don't think I pass enough to switch over. I'm especially nervous about using the bathroom at work because most of the people I work with knew me before I came out and I don't know if they'll say anything about me using the men's room at work. Does anybody have some advice on what to do if anyone ever confronts me?

[Charlize]

Welcome Rigel.  I think we all are fearful when we first enter the "other" restroom.   I wish i had great advice but as time goes on you may have that awkward feeling that neither one is comfortable.  I know i went through that period.  Fortunately i think that the time also comes when we are generally accepted as ourselves outside of the restroom and the issue seems to solve itself.

As so many things in transition time takes care of the problems few thought were impossible to get past.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Rigel.  Like Charlize said, this is an awkward and uncomfortable period, and we've all been there, those of us who have transitioned socially.  So, if I interpret correctly what you've said, your co-workers know you're trans and you have transitioned socially, at least at work.  I don't think Arkansas has workplace protections, but does your employer have any rules that cover this?  That can make a big difference. 

 

If you are out about your transition, why not seek guidance from HR (if your company has one)?  You might want to think about talking it out with your co-workers and see how they feel.  Invite questions, be open about it if you are comfortable with that.  That seems to me to be preferable to making assumptions one way or the other, or taking people by surprise.

 

In other situations, like a restaurant, movie theater, sports even, I would just walk in like you've been doing it your whole life and act like you own the place.  Get in, don't make eye contact, do your business, and get out.  Dudes don't generally make small talk in the restroom.  Don't act nervous, don't look around, and just do what needs to be done.  You should be all right.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Kirsten]

That’s great advice. And yeah not much small talk in a men’s room. Just awful smells and hurried people. 

I just switched bathrooms myself 2 weeks ago now. Well almost. And it’s scary. But like was said go in like normal. Do your business and get out. Men don’t notice much in general. Never mind in a restroom. 

Good luck! And don’t touch the toilets! ??

lol 

kirsten 

[rigelthebrightest]

Thanks, everyone. It's definitely taking some getting used to but I'm sure if I just do what y'all said and act like I'm supposed to be there it'll feel normal eventually.

[DenimAndLace]

Everyone goes through that phase of not fitting in either restroom.  Here's what I did:

1. Plan ahead.  "Go" BEFORE you need to "go" whenever a safe restroom is available to you - "keep it on empty"

2. Use the "family" restroom if or when that option is available

3. Limit your consumption of liquids to only what's necessary when you'll be forced to use a busy public restroom.  "Keep it on empty"

4. Use a restroom that's "off-the-map".  Mall's for example have very public restrooms (avoid them) but most of the anchor stores within the mall have their own restrooms.  They're less busy.

5. Use a bathroom on a different floor or away from all the activity.

6. When there are no other options, ask a cis gender ally to go to the bathroom with you.  They will lend credibility to your presence.

7. If and when you use the men's room, DON'T speak to anyone ...ever!  ...Even when you're old.  If you must, you may grunt a reply or simply nod.  ...It's a male etiquette thing

[SugarMagnolia]

8. If using an STP don't use a urinal next to someone if there are any other options. Always leave an open urinal between you and anyone else whenever possible. 

[JJ]

One thing ou have going for you in the men's is that no one looks at anyone else or makes eye contact. Ive been spoken to maybe twice in almost 7 years in the men's. And jumped a foot both times although both times someone said they liked my shirt. And any question anyone may have will be resolved if you use a STP. I can and have use urinals because I have a very realistic silicone STP but still prefer stalls. No one notices or cares.

When I was at that not quite right either place phase I knew where every single occupant and family bathroom was in town. Walmart has one and every town has a Walmart. I am claustrophobic and still use them sometimes.

Cardinal rule in the men's is no contact and stay as far away from other guys in there as you can, or at least leave space. Head up, shoulders back and do your business and get out. Unlike a women's it is NOT a social space.

I was terrified the first time I used a men'. We have always been socialized as women from early childhood too to see the men's as a dangerous place. Some of that tends to linger. It isn't. It's just different. As I walking out after the first tie I was thinking "Is it really that simple?" . It was almost anti-climatic. And in hundreds, probably thousands, of times since there has not been a single issue of any kind. Except maybe with how dirty they often are compared to women's.

Johnny

 

[Kirsten]

You know it’s funny I would say 50% of the time I used the men’s room for my whole life I have ended up in some form of small talk with someone. Idk where you all go to the bathroom but gees you all make the men’s room sound so scary. It stinks. It’s dirty. There’s pee everywhere. But it’s not as vacant as you all make it seem. At least in my experience and I’m 39.  Yeah it’s not a social gathering. But the few times I’ve used busy public women’s rooms this far it’s been pretty similar to the men’s room. Just less toilets. ??‍♀️

[JJ]

It isnt scary, just different. Not social but not hostile either. Just a place to do what you need to do.

I've used men's restrooms across Texas and around Arkansas for 7 of my 71 years and that has been my experience.

Once at a Renaissance festival in l Texas  I was in a line in a men's bathroom when a scantily clad, pretty woman came sauntering out of a stall with a big grin on her face and conversation DID break out among the whole group as soon as she exited. No one had seen her come in so there were a lot of startled guys. But that is the only time I've heard a real conversation in the men's.

When you are new to using the mens and male socialization it's actually kind a relief to know you dont need to interact at all.

[SugarMagnolia]

@Kirsten I think you're just a social butterfly. I found it exceedingly unusual for their to be conversation in a men's room. Perhaps if it's an office setting where people know each other and see each other regularly, but in public spaces any thing more than a head nod  is rare in my experience. 

The interaction part of the women's room is what gives me the most anxiety right now simply because it's so unfamiliar and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Like many things though, this is just something new to become comfortable with. ?

 

[Kirsten]

Julie you could be right. And people have always told me I am very approachable as well. But I’d say almost 3/4 of the time I’m not the one that starts the convos. 

Actually the best part of the ladies rooms so far is I’m usually alone in there. But I’m mostly in the restroom the last couple weeks at work. And we are a predominently male company in my area at least. But I’m quickly getting over the fears. There isn’t much to really be scared of. Just be yourself wherever you are. It’ll all go fine. 

[Regn]

I think there's just a time where you just don't fit in either. And if you're NB then maybe it's even harder.

 

I pass as m to non-anglos 99% of the time but to anglos maybe 20%. Where I live anglos are a minority but a significant minority. I've frightened girls in the women's bathroom before which makes me want to to switch to men's but the 80% anglo men are not folks I want to encounter in a bathroom. And yeh, I know people say nobody looks, blokes don't make eye contact etc etc but still. 

 

Think I'm resigned to just holding out/on(!) for gender neutral bathrooms for the next couple of years... 

 

[Roadster]

This is a big deal for me, too.  Where I work, there are gender-neutral bathrooms across campus, but the ones in our building are gendered.  I've been working at this company for over 10 years, and I love it here, but it makes it weird to suddenly start going into the 'other' bathroom.

I've used the men's room out in public, but I'm very nervous about it.  I'm a very small person, even though I'm muscular for my size and my lack of T, and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm going to try out an STP and see if I can make it work at home decently well.  That would make me feel better about it all.

[JJ]

It's a hard choice for all of us. I didn't use a mens till I was on T and mastered a STP.

That said men don't look. They don't talk or make eye contact. And sometimes a woman will nip into the mens when the womens is full.

The men don't challenge her - just kind of look startled.

One concern other than at work, which should be a safe place, is looking like a vulnerable or scared young man in the men's. That can trigger predators though the truth is that predators are very rare. Men act and look confident no matter what so keep head up and shoulders back and act like you own the place while avoiding contact and standing (even with stalls, as much room between as possible is the rule) as far as possible from anyone else and you'll be fine.

Johnny

[Dorian]

I agree with everyone’s comments. It’s not as scary as you’d think. Like others have said, there really isn’t talking in the men’s room so don’t worry too much about anyone saying anything. I’ve been using the men’s room for over a year and haven’t had any major awkwardness yet. I always use a stall and that’s been fine for me so far. I do recommend that the first time you use one, do it somewhere that you’re already fairly comfortable - favorite restaurant or something is usually a pretty safe bet. Pick somewhere with low traffic and you may have the place to yourself. Banks or doctors offices are usually very clean and empty. You’ll be fine. Don’t overthink it. You’re just going to the bathroom. 

[Linde]

Let me chip in as a person, who has used men's bathrooms for decades, without ever talking to another user in there.  Men stand at the urinals, and more or less try to  crawl into them, so nobody can see anything of their body.  Whenever possible one tries to keep as many unused urinals between oneself and the other user f the bathroom.  And the number one thing while urinating is to try to stare a gigantic hole in the wall in front of you.  Don't look left or right, work hard on the hole you try to stare into the wall.  Once done, get out of the bathroom as fast as possible, bcause something bad could happen in there!  Once out of the room try to blend into the crowed as fast as possible so nobody can see that you were in the bathroom!

 

Even if all urinals and stalls are occupied, and several men are waiting, avoid any eye o body contact with you neighbor and keep your mouth shut, don't talk!

[tracy_j]

As someone who is sometimes out and about with friends who still identify me as male, and not wanting to possibly complicate things, I do occasionally nervously use the men's room although I am far more relaxed generally in the women's these days. It is a bit like being in limbo, and I do get odd reactions from men. The worst of these was on holiday a few years ago when I walked out of the men's, to be met with a startled face like Johnny said. The guy's jaw nearly broke the pavement as it dropped. That decided me to use women's from then on, whenever practical. I agree with the list DenimAndLace has given, with the addition by SugarMagnolia. As I have said, I do sometime use men's rooms. On thing I do though is never use the men's room one time and the women's another in the same place. Personally I also try to avoid unisex facilities. For one thing, here they are usually double as the disabled room, and for that and the fact that few others do unless there is a queue in the others means that (although I may be wrong) they attract attention. Be confident in who you are. I should add that many men use the stall rather than urinal, so don't worry about that.

 

Tracy

[SugarMagnolia]

This is too good and true not to include. Doubleplusgood if you're a math geek ?

https://blog.xkcd.com/2009/09/02/urinal-protocol-vulnerability/

[RithiaAllen]

On 9/22/2018 at 2:30 PM, SugarMagnolia said:

8. If using an STP don't use a urinal next to someone if there are any other options. Always leave an open urinal between you and anyone else whenever possible. 

Just to be clear this isn’t because of the stp it’s just another one of those macho things where people men don’t like the idea of another man checking out their junk.

[Linde]

And again, even when a urinal in between is left empty, don't lock around, work on staring a hole into the wall in front of you.  Eye contact with any other visitor in the bathroom is illegal, as is verbal interaction.  You are there for one purpose only to urinate, do this as fast and efficient as you can,, and get the heck out of the bathroom!

[Jani]

Years ago there was a local DJ that did this spot on his evening show about words or phrases concerning unspoken or unknown actions.  One that stuck with me was "pee spot".  The spot on the wall you stare at when standing at a urinal.   You don't look around even if there is a noise behind you! 

[Linde]

47 minutes ago, Jani said:

Years ago there was a local DJ that did this spot on his evening show about words or phrases concerning unspoken or unknown actions.  One that stuck with me was "pee spot".  The spot on the wall you stare at when standing at a urinal.   You don't look around even if there is a noise behind you! 

This spot focus seems to be something deeply engraved into the male DNR, because it is also the typical thing in Germany, in Belgium and the Netherlands!

 

May be for the FtM trans people one of the harder things to learn!  Kind like:  How do you express your manliness?  Don't look around!

[RithiaAllen]

So this topic reminds me of this: