Am I alone in being this way ?

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Yes it is but I don’t feel comfortable, I need to meet other non binary people not trans.

 

To be a porter I need to clear the majority of my debts, I’m at my limit now so cannot get any further credit for a home of any decription.

unless the family home is sold I am unable to afford to rent or buy, I can’t stay with my parents long term so I’ve no idea what the future holds, this another reason I want out, I have £50,000 life cover which would settle my debts and allow my wife and son to move on with their lives.

They are going to move on with or without you or your money.

 

If you have a suicide clause in your insurance your family will see none of the money. Not the least of which suicide is a cardinal sin.

 

one person who is in for tens of thousands of dollars to another you can recover without such drastic actions. I was furloughed, couldn’t afford her for a year. I’ve been away from my boyfriend since June with only text messages, phone calls and face time as our ability to talk. I’ve lived in a crappy hotel room for a month, then found a room at a house with a land lord doing a sort of birding house and then finally found a apartment that would rent to me that was in a safe area and clean. Soon our house in Virginia will be sold and it will pay off my debts and get us free of enough issues to buy a new place here or rent whatever we want.

 

If I could claw my way out of the mess so can you.

 

trans people from both ends of the spectrum can still provide some feedback for certain things. I’m sure there is some sort of non-binary group around your area where you can find addiontional guidance.

 

Do you have the tenacity and the strength to push forward and offer more then just a little bit of money to your family? I think you can.?

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

 

Do you have the tenacity and the strength to push forward and offer more then just a little bit of money to your family? I think you can.?

If I’m honest it’s a straight forward no, I’m done

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

If I’m honest it’s a straight forward no, I’m done

I think you do. You're not done.

 

Below are some numbers you can reach out to. Please promise me you will call.

 

99 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom

111, Option 2, is the National Health Services' First Response Service for mental health crises and support.

Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[19] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.

Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.

Samaritans' previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.

Campaign Against Living Miserably (https://www.thecalmzone.net/) is a registered charity[20] based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[21] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.

CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).

CALM (London) can be reached at 802 58 58 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).

CALM webchat can be found at https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/ (available every day from 5PM to midnight).

[Martyn]

I realise there are people to talk to, still doesn’t change anything tho 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

I realise there are people to talk to, still doesn’t change anything tho 

It changes a lot.

 

You think there is only one way. Others who have gone through what you are going through can give you first hand guidance. In regards to you family, job and debt situation pretty much anyone suffering from GID on any band of the spectrum can relate. Maybe some in the area might also know of a safe house for you to stay long term while you consolidate your expenses in order to get your head above water.

 

Who knows what is out there. Take a deep breath, be calm and reach out.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

It changes a lot.

 

You think there is only one way. Others who have gone through what you are going through can give you first hand guidance. In regards to you family, job and debt situation pretty much anyone suffering from GID on any band of the spectrum can relate. Maybe some in the area might also know of a safe house for you to stay long term while you consolidate your expenses in order to get your head above water.

 

Who knows what is out there. Take a deep breath, be calm and reach out.

I think what angers me tho is I’ve been forced out of the family home, no where to go except my elderly I’ll parents and still pay the marital home bills, my wife and son enjoying our lovely little home whereas I have nothing, then if my wife someone else I shall be so distraught that I know mentally I wouldn’t be able to cope at all - this is playing on my mind a great deal

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

I think what angers me tho is I’ve been forced out of the family home, no where to go except my elderly I’ll parents and still pay the marital home bills, my wife and son enjoying our lovely little home whereas I have nothing, then if my wife someone else I shall be so distraught that I know mentally I wouldn’t be able to cope at all - this is playing on my mind a great deal

Anger can be a good emotion if responded to properly. It’s ok to be mad. It means that your alive and a emotional being. Just don’t do anything you’ll regret.

 

You two are still married right? Separated isn’t divorced and seeing other people is cheating. Now you have a choice. You can divorce her and force the issue of selling the home which will help you and your family to love on. If she is seeing other people while your married still then she I would think would be entitled to nothing since she was unfaithful.

 

Another thing you could do while staying with your parents is use it as an opportunity to help take care of them when you have the time.

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Anger can be a good emotion if responded to properly. It’s ok to be mad. It means that your alive and a emotional being. Just don’t do anything you’ll regret.

 

You two are still married right? Separated isn’t divorced and seeing other people is cheating. Now you have a choice. You can divorce her and force the issue of selling the home which will help you and your family to love on. If she is seeing other people while your married still then she I would think would be entitled to nothing since she was unfaithful.

 

Another thing you could do while staying with your parents is use it as an opportunity to help take care of them when you have the time.

excuse me love on was supposed to read move on.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Separated isn’t divorced and seeing other people is cheating. Now you have a choice. You can divorce her and force the issue of selling the home which will help you and your family to love on. If she is seeing other people while your married still then she I would think would be entitled to nothing since she was unfaithful.

 

Another thing you could do while staying with your parents is use it as an opportunity to help take care of wthem when you have the time.

She’s told me many many many times we are over, no going back are her words - so it seems I’m just teasing myself that I could ever return to the marriage.

It is so far from nature to force them out of the house, it’s only a small one, our pets would have to be rehomed as they couldn’t go in a small flat as that is all either of us could afford.

i know this will sound uncaring but over the years my parents have never really got on with my wife, I just feel agrreved that I’m now in this position that I feel compelled to look after them, to be fair they have offered to let stay here but know of course I don’t want to be here

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

She’s told me many many many times we are over, no going back are her words - so it seems I’m just teasing myself that I could ever return to the marriage.

It is so far from nature to force them out of the house, it’s only a small one, our pets would have to be rehomed as they couldn’t go in a small flat as that is all either of us could afford.

i know this will sound uncaring but over the years my parents have never really got on with my wife, I just feel agrreved that I’m now in this position that I feel compelled to look after them, to be fair they have offered to let stay here but know of course I don’t want to be here

I don't know what I would do personally. However if after 19 years she wanted me out I think I would have got her suitcase out and say pack your things and go if you want out there is the door. It's the same thing I would do to my kid if they said they wanted to run away.

 

Right now she has her cake and is eating it too. You bust your butt and she reaps the rewards and you are living with your parents. You have got to be mad at the situation of after 19 years and then being abandoned over very tame shirts by someone who made vows to you in front of god and country.

 

I'd force the sale of the house in a New York minute and take steps to ensure the pets came with me if I wanted them.

 

What I said before about creating a new place for them to come back if they wanted to was simply taking the other place away and then like the father with the prodigal son, make a place for them to return. If they want to come back they can on your terms and if not they can enjoy the cold. I know that sounds harsh but to be a father figure you will have to be stern and show them honor, integrity, mercy and most of all that you're not a push over.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

I don't know what I would do personally. However if after 19 years she wanted me out I think I would have got her suitcase out and say pack your things and go if you want out there is the door. It's the same thing I would do to my kid if they said they wanted to run away.

 

Right now she has her cake and is eating it too. You bust your butt and she reaps the rewards and you are living with your parents. You have got to be mad at the situation of after 19 years and then being abandoned over very tame shirts by someone who made vows to you in front of god and country.

 

I'd force the sale of the house in a New York minute and take steps to ensure the pets came with me if I wanted them.

 

What I said before about creating a new place for them to come back if they wanted to was simply taking the other place away and then like the father with the prodigal son, make a place for them to return. If they want to come back they can on your terms and if not they can enjoy the cold. I know that sounds harsh but to be a father figure you will have to be stern and show them honor, integrity, mercy and most of all that you're not a push over.

The cause of her distress was me unintentionally wearing her down over the years with the business, then more recently my obsession about being non binary and the steps I wished to take which she and our son were finding impossible to accept but I still continued and ignored their feelings, in hindsight I should have taken things much slower but got caught up in the excitement of discovering myself. On the day itself I was bombarded by abuse and full on anger from them both ,they wanted me out no matter what.

[Martyn]

Just now, Martyn said:

The cause of her distress was me unintentionally wearing her down over the years with the business, then more recently my obsession about being non binary and the steps I wished to take which she and our son were finding impossible to accept but I still continued and ignored their feelings, in hindsight I should have taken things much slower but got caught up in the excitement of discovering myself. On the day itself I was bombarded by abuse and full on anger from them both ,they wanted me out no matter what.

With regards to the pets, neither of us could keep them due to the proceeds of the sale only allowing a small flat each with a mortgage as well

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

The cause of her distress was me unintentionally wearing her down over the years with the business, then more recently my obsession about being non binary and the steps I wished to take which she and our son were finding impossible to accept but I still continued and ignored their feelings, in hindsight I should have taken things much slower but got caught up in the excitement of discovering myself. On the day itself I was bombarded by abuse and full on anger from them both ,they wanted me out no matter what.

The business you did everything you could. Part of the wedding vows are in richness and in poor. You where not gambling, you where not embezzling. Do not allow her to blame you for that.

 

The non-binary aspect seems to be a excuse made by them to get out because of the money issues. You shaved your body hair off and you wore as gender neutral cloths as you could find from what I understand. In all honesty that is taking things really slow. When I first started coming out I mixed gender neutral cloths too.

 

I had a nice pair of woman's kakis that I wore with nice collared men's shirts. I had a nice over shirt I left unbuttoned that wasn't frilly and between the three items of cloths two where woman's with men's shoes and no one batted an eye.

 

Don't blame yourself. It sounds to me like your wife was looking for a way out and latched onto this way. Sell the house move on and give her only what you legally have to.

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

With regards to the pets, neither of us could keep them due to the proceeds of the sale only allowing a small flat each with a mortgage as well

What type of pets do you have? Would you have at least 46.5 square meters? If so I would imagine small dogs and cats wouldn't be an issue. My apartment allows them. Now if you mean large breed dogs that might be more problematic but I've seen places where it is doable.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

 

The non-binary aspect seems to be a excuse made by them to get out because of the money issues. You shaved your body hair off and you wore as gender neutral cloths as you could find from what I understand. In all honesty that is taking things really slow. When I first started coming out I mixed gender neutral cloths too.

 

Don't blame yourself. It sounds to me like your wife was looking for a way out and latched onto this way. Sell the house move on and give her only what you legally have to.

If I’m honest I mostly agree with you, tho I have banged on 24/7 about the NB for a fair few months and didn’t want to listen to their concerns or dislike of what I was wanting to achieve.

the more I think about it it has been a very vanilla marriage esp with my ed issues, all I ever wanted to do was passionately make love with her but it was almost impossible due to my problem. I had just started using penile injections just prior to things deteriorating, that was the first real time in all our marriege that we made love properly, unfortunately it did hurt her as her insides were not used to it :0( I feel extremely upset and distraught that there will never be another time now. I think I’m holding on with finger nails hoping there’s a way of turning all this around, I so wish we could, I would bury my nb issues in a heart beat if it could be resolved.

im thinking perhaps give it a few months by then my son would be over 18, which would allow her to get her health back as she’s on antidepressants due to our issues. Then ask her if she ever sees the change of us getting back together? If not, which is most likely then push for the home to be sold.

its two cats, problem around here tho flats stipulate no pets, it just feels so heartless to re home them as they’ve been with us for many years and are genuinely part of the family

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

If I’m honest I mostly agree with you, tho I have banged on 24/7 about the NB for a fair few months and didn’t want to listen to their concerns or dislike of what I was wanting to achieve.

the more I think about it it has been a very vanilla marriage esp with my ed issues, all I ever wanted to do was passionately make love with her but it was almost impossible due to my problem. I had just started using penile injections just prior to things deteriorating, that was the first real time in all our marriege that we made love properly, unfortunately it did hurt her as her insides were not used to it :0( I feel extremely upset and distraught that there will never be another time now. I think I’m holding on with finger nails hoping there’s a way of turning all this around, I so wish we could, I would bury my nb issues in a heart beat if it could be resolved.

im thinking perhaps give it a few months by then my son would be over 18, which would allow her to get her health back as she’s on antidepressants due to our issues. Then ask her if she ever sees the change of us getting back together? If not, which is most likely then push for the home to be sold.

its two cats, problem around here tho flats stipulate no pets, it just feels so heartless to re home them as they’ve been with us for many years and are genuinely part of the family

I understand completely about the pets. I had two cats for a while too, they where named Magellan and Casper. They have since passed on and my boyfriend and I have two Black Labs. I love them death and it's been hard not being able to see them everyday. I'm looking forward to getting the house sold so we can get a place over here large enough for all of us.

 

Are there no flats that you can rent that allow cats? Do you own the workshop or does the lease there permit cats?  Perhaps they could be employees and hunt mice and provide companionship while you are working until you can find a place to keep them at you or your wifes new place?

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

I understand completely about the pets. I had two cats for a while too, they where named Magellan and Casper. They have since passed on and my boyfriend and I have two Black Labs. I love them death and it's been hard not being able to see them everyday. I'm looking forward to getting the house sold so we can get a place over here large enough for all of us.

 

Are there no flats that you can rent that allow cats? Do you own the workshop or does the lease there permit cats?  Perhaps they could be employees and hunt mice and provide companionship while you are working until you can find a place to keep them at you or your wifes new place?

Sadly it’s not that kind of workshop, industrial unit with fumes about

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Sadly it’s not that kind of workshop, industrial unit with fumes about

Another option is you don't force the sale yet like you where saying your son will be 18 soon. Until then use the time to look around for a place that will allow you to have two cats and apply for the rental. Then force the sale of the house or ask you wife to take over the mortgage and buy you out and she can keep the cats.

 

I like your plan for giving her some time to see if things can be reconciled.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

 

I like your plan for giving her some time to see if things can be reconciled.

In reality I think it’s unlikly it could be due to the continual ‘it’s over for good,  no going back’ comments that have been rammed down my throat. I’m desperate to have her back and can’t believe all this has happened, it didn’t help that our son was backing up his mum and forcing me to go

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

In reality I think it’s unlikly it could be due to the continual ‘it’s over for good,  no going back’ comments that have been rammed down my throat. I’m desperate to have her back and can’t believe all this has happened, it didn’t help that our son was backing up his mum and forcing me to go

One thing at a time. Her living situation being for the worse or even the threat might make her reevaluate. Right now it is easy for her to say for good when she keeps the house and the comfort.

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Martyn said:

I realise there are people to talk to, still doesn’t change anything tho 

As Rithia said you are looking at this only one way, when there are many ways to see this issue.

 

If you are upset because you have left the home yet still have to pay the bills while your wife "enjoys" the home, sometimes that is the price we pay.  You can work around this.  Talk to a lawyer to determine your rights.   

 

You could move back saying you cannot afford to maintain a separate residence.  Sleep in a spare room or on the sofa.  Do whatever is necessary until you can both come to an agreement about the future.

 

3 hours ago, Martyn said:

She’s told me many many many times we are over, no going back are her words

Its been said when someone tells you something, believe them the first time.  Don't keep going back over the same ground.  You've said this has been her position from the onset so it's not going to change.   Of course all this conjecture sounds unnatural to you because it has never entered your mind, but this is what happens when one party to a marriage decides they want out.  Does she think she will "get" the house and enough compensation from you to support it?  Again, talk to a lawyer!  You are not so old as to not be able to re-establish yourself.  

 

2 hours ago, Martyn said:

I’m desperate to have her back and can’t believe all this has happened

Martyn, your wife seems to have made things clear.  Stop with being desperate.  You are not desperate.  Start looking foward to your future.  It will get better.  Ask yourself, have you been really happy recently?  From what I've read the answer is certainly not.  Do yourself a favor, your wife seems to have latched on to this issue as a way out, join her in moving on to a better life.  Complaining won't change anything.  Take some action for your own good. 

 

Jani

[jae bear]

Martyn,

 I can sympathize with you in every possible way, I’m just a lot farther down the road than you are right now, I hate to say this, because right now you don’t want to hear it, but it’s all going to work out even if it’s not the way you want it to. The business isn’t doing well, maybe holding onto a sinking ship isn’t exactly the best thing To do right now. Spending your time hunting for that hospital Porter job would be a good use of your time right now, then liquidating the company assets later or just letting them go to expedite things is also an option... Finding someone who wants to take it over and assume some of the debt could be reasonable. At the end of the day it’s important that you find a way to move forward, quickly, busy your mind with the things that need to be done rather than the things that cannot be changed right now...

 It’s taken me months to rid myself of the guilt, but you would be doing better than I if you could do that sooner rather than later, there are new ways to show love for your family even if they are being terrible to you at the moment. Moving forward in a way that will allow them some small amount of support from you is showing love, however I guarantee  you if you end things they get nothing from the insurance, and their anger and hatred will set in like drying paint and they will carry that to the last breath they have on earth,  especially your son. Why do I know this? Well Martyn I will tell you, because my father committed suicide for this exact reason, I lost my father because he could not deal with being trans, my mother divorced him, he moved out and found his own place, ruined his teaching job and then killed himself, I’ve only recently Forgiven him Because I finally accepted myself as trans,  and for no other reason. 

 Your business is not the most important thing in the world, I know you built it, and I know it’s important to you, but a better paying job would be better than hanging on to something you built that is not bringing you an income. It’s OK to let it go,  in the long run you may be better for it. 

Please understand all of the things I say I say because I care, because I have already been there, I don’t tell everything about my life here on this forum, but there are those here who know precisely how similar the two of us are. That being said, Martyn, you’re going to be OK, it’s going to get better.

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Jani]

Martyn, how's it going?  Just checking in with you since we hadn't heard much recently.  We all want the best for you and we understand the situation you're in is difficult.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Susan R]

Hello Martyn, that makes two of us that have had you on our mind.  I was scanning through the recent posts and just noticed Jani's new post so I thought maybe you had given us an update.  If you have some time and feel like sharing, I too would like to know how you are doing and if there have been any changes in your situation.

 

With Warm Regards,

Susan R?

[BrandiBri]

I also am wondering how you are doing. Please keep us posted.

 

Hugs,

Brandi