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Martyn

Am I alone in being this way ?

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Jani

I know it hurts.  At least you're staying somewhere safe for now.  Don't go overboard on shopping!  Your expenses may become strained as well if the separation persists. 

 

Jani

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Martyn
3 hours ago, Jani said:

I know it hurts.  At least you're staying somewhere safe for now.  Don't go overboard on shopping!  Your expenses may become strained as well if the separation persists. 

 

Jani

Lying in a b&b thinking what the hell have I done, I have caused all this, the total destruction of my family and loss my wife purely because of my selfish desires, being non binary has been the worst discission and choice of my entire life, the feelings I have being so callled nb are no way strong enough to warrant the outcome. I am just a selfish, self obsessed bastard, I even disgust myself now. 

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BrandiBri
28 minutes ago, Martyn said:

I am just a selfish, self obsessed bastard,

Martyn, you are not any of the above. You are a valuable person and you definitely not selfish. You are being true to yourself and as already been stated, your family are the ones being selfish. They may be embarrassed or afraid of what their friends are going to think of them, but you need to do what is best for you. Others have said, and I repeat, things will get better with time.

Your wife and son are going through their own form of transition just as you are and they need time to sort out their feelings, just as you are in the process of sorting out your own feelings. For them, the process may take months, years or maybe never. In any case, the important thing that you need to remember is that you cannot control their reactions, but as you progress you will meet people that will love and accept you for the person you are.

When one door closes another opens.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Brandi

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Martyn
6 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

Martyn, you are not any of the above. You are a valuable person and you definitely not selfish. You are being true to yourself and as already been stated, your family are the ones being selfish. They may be embarrassed or afraid of what their friends are going to think of them, but you need to do what is best for you. Others have said, and I repeat, things will get better with time.

Your wife and son are going through their own form of transition just as you are and they need time to sort out their feelings, just as you are in the process of sorting out your own feelings. For them, the process may take months, years or maybe never. In any case, the important thing that you need to remember is that you cannot control their reactions, but as you progress you will meet people that will love and accept you for the person you are.

When one door closes another opens.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Brandi

I wish I could accept who I am but even I don’t know who I am any more, I hate whatever I have become.

the reprocussions of all the fall out are massive, home to be sold meaning both parties including my son will have to exist in some pokey little flat, pets will have to be rehomed as they wouldn’t be allowed in flats.  All lives will be wrecked over all this, this is not me being all self putty full, it’s fact.

as a couple we had existed on a tight joint income, now, well I’ve no idea how any of us woukd be able to exist financially.

i feel I should do the decent thing and just exit this life and let them start over without all the destruction I would cause if I stay.

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SugarMagnolia

Martyn it's natural to be overwhelmed by all of the changes you and your family are going through. Please don't do anything today. Give yourself a little time.

@Martyn,I'm here and I have time to talk or chat. If you want to message me directly, I'm here. I know something about how you're feeling right now. 

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SugarMagnolia

@Martyn as I said I'm here for you but if you feel suicidal there are UK crisis lines that you can call for help. The resources we have for the UK are below. I know that you are feeling as though you're family would be better off, but they will always be better off with you here than with you gone. They're going through a lot and their attitudes to you and about you may change in time

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Martyn

I’ve never felt so much hate and anger towards me in my whole life, my wife and son (18 in Jan) have both demonstrated very directly that they totally disown me, think I’m a disgusting, selfish and heartless man. They want me gone that couldn’t be clearer. 

There is no choice left if I’m not to totally destroy their lives 

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SugarMagnolia

Martyn, I know if feels like that. Believe me that I know how that feels. But there are other choices. Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

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princecharmless

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

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Martyn
1 minute ago, princecharmless said:

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

My son has talked to his mates about everything, they too feel I’m a disgusting human being, how could I put my family through all this they said 

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princecharmless

They say that as 17 year olds. They have growing up to do, even if they don't realise that.

You aren't disgusting. You have to stick around and give your kid more chances in years to come.

 

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Susan R

 

1 hour ago, SugarMagnolia said:

Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

 

Martyn, I also want to say I agree with SugarMagnolia that as painful as this is right now, time is your best friend.  It's so easy to make all these wild life decisions because you believe you must do "something" right this minute in order to solve the problem.  Life just doesn't work that way all the time...in fact, very rarely.

Also, don't listen to childish rantings about you being disgusting.  That's ridiculous.  You know this is not true on any level and you know deep down your son and his friends are simply acting out like children do.  When you start to feel this stressed, just take a few deep breaths and realize this feeling of despair is only temporary.  You have so much more to offer your family so don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

 

Susan R🌷

 

 

 

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Jani

Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

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Martyn
2 hours ago, Jani said:

Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

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RithiaAllen
Just now, Martyn said:

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

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Martyn
Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

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MaryEllen

You can't control what others do or say. Perhaps it's time to cut your loses and walk away. Being in a toxic environment such as that will only drive you deeper into despair. It's time to back away.  As sad as it may be, this is something you should think about doing.

 

MaryEllen

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RithiaAllen
Just now, Martyn said:

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

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Martyn
Just now, RithiaAllen said:

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

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RithiaAllen
Just now, Martyn said:

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

We are all humans and make mistakes. We have to be able to forgive for the mistakes we have made and be able to move forward. We can't wind back the clock but that doesn't mean things are over. Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

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Martyn
Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

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RithiaAllen
Just now, Martyn said:

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

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Martyn
Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

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RithiaAllen
Just now, Martyn said:

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

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Martyn
Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

Assuming we get divorced and the family home is sold and monies divided up I would need a mortgage, so credit is essential.

the business is furniture restorstion, it’s s very niche market and doesn’t pay well, my skill set is purely that trade and have no other skills.

once debt free I plan to be a hospital porter, that would provide much more communication skills that I lack at present.

as for hobbies I have none, once bought a guitar but seem incapple if remembering anything. If I’m honesty nothing in life interests me.

yes support groups are on my radar, but as I’m purely non binary and not trans there are very few like me around, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable going to them as I’d not fit in.

 

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      Hello Fimdir, Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope you and your sister can find the total peace that you deserve.    (I've made the edit that you requested)   MaryEllen
    • Stillbourne
      Prescript: I just have to type something. Another sleepless night filled with anxiety. I've been so happy to find this site. I wanted to make some coherent, Earth shattering debut... But I'm a mess. You're here. You're what I have. Thank you, and away we go.   Where to start? Too late for that. How to catch up? Maybe. Anyways, here's my thing... I know my gender identity is becoming a bigger issue in my life, every day. I'm trying to find a way to bring understanding and support in to my life. Long short of it, ideally I'm looking for a facility in Canada that can help me out. I'm not sure what kind of resources are available that can help me find my inner voice and conquer the addictions/ psychological aspects. All advice is appreciated. I know it's going to be a long-term journey. I'm ready for the work. Just, how do I start? What piece of the crap pile do I start working on first?  I feel like "I just want to be normal", but it sometimes feels easier riding the wreck currently in progress. However, I want to be a real person again. Whatever that is. I want to have friends and do things. I want to not be in the outside watching the happy people go by. "I want to go home" so to speak. Even though, I've never really had a home or place I felt safe in. But it's a nice thought. One day.   You see I wasn't raised with any freedom to be different. On the contrary there has been a lot of work done on me to suppress and deny my identity for the ease of those around me. Not to dwell on the trauma, but for an idea of what I was put though, things like kneeling on rocks in a hidden room under the stairs with no lights to learn that "ADD is just in my head", or "Youth Groups" at church that focused on "shaming the gay" out of us were common in my life.  Honestly, I ate it up. Mostly because of the biggest catalyst to this cause, my mother and her favorite saying, "You'll never understand a mother's love. I could love you through anything... AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GAY." Well poop. I didn't want to lose my mother's love, so from an early age I became a master of macho and over compensation. Me gay? No. NO. I LIKE BOOBS. Ya, and trucks and guns, etc. You know the jig. Copy, paste, repeat, here I am on the edge of tomorrow and the mask doesn't fit anymore.  It's just so bloody hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of "being the man" and putting the mask back on. I've buried over my feminine instincts, beaten them down, beaten myself down and when that wasn't good enough, I've given the world at large a pliable floor mat to trod on. It's driving me bonkers. I'm sorry but I've carried a lot of pain and frustration making straight people feel comfortable. What about my comfort? When will, "You're so gay!" not sound like, "I found one, get him!" Will I ever stop feeling like God hates me because I was to weak to stay straight? If this is going to disqualify me from Heaven then why should I care about any law or rule? By my nature, beyond my control, if I'm so repulsive to everyone else, what am I supposed to do all alone? It's nice to wax poetic and romanticize about living cottage life single, but every day, for the rest of my life??? Where can I go that a six foot five, two hundred and thirty pound chunk of mountain man can go around wearing a nice sundress and do a little spin because in his heart he's just a little girl? I have no one to "just be me with". Or even find out who that is.  The last thing my mom said to me was, "Well if you're gonna be gay then just go find a man and love him." The common theme in all our confrontations is "go". No matter what the fight has been over the years, "go" has been the underlying message. I never heard it until recently. I never heard the silent, "and don't come back." Once was all it took. Now, it all makes sense. It broke my heart and stole the wind from my sails. At least "faking it for Mom" gave me a cause. Now, what can I make of what's survived. I wish it were that easy. Sounds simple, "Just go find a man and love him." LoL I wish she knew there is more than "Straight and Gay". I mean, like, what do I do on the days that I feel like a woman who likes women that have man parts too?  I'm assuming you can relate to the rabbit holes of thought that can arise here. Bottom line, I don't have to fake it for Mom anymore. She just plain don't want me in her life if I'm going to be me. I don't care what she thinks anymore, or anyone else for that matter. Or, maybe I still care but I'm ready to carry the pain and go forward. Regardless, as soon as I meet any one new, I'm well down the road of lies and cover stories, trying to present the "just a normal guy" routine before I even notice.  Sometimes it's not from lack of desire to be myself. Often it's just because it is so much work "being a normal queer". At home, I don't have to explain me to me. If I'm girly, I'm girly, if I'm macho, I'm macho. It's all a part of me.  So saying something like, "I'm gay" or "I'm transgender" feels as weird as saying I'm straight or binary. I'm just Claire (the name I chose for the "Her" in me.) If anyone took the time to get to know Claire or Claybourne (my given boy name) they'd know that my sexual identity is only a piece of me. Like how I'm a hiker, or a cook or like to knit. I don't run around saying, "I'm a hiker." I say, Hi, I'm Claybourne. If the conversation goes near the outdoors I might pop in, "I like hiking, I'm a hiker." Whether the other person likes hiking or not isn't a deal breaker to the conversation. Yet it seems like until someone knows your gender and sexual preference they reserve the right to consider your presence in their life. Why is the label such a thing? Why do people with static gender identities not understand how incredibly biased the world is for their benefit. Like, do straight people have to explain, "Well, I have a penis and only like sex in a vagina?" No. Why do I have to have a "briefing session" with everyone to explain concepts that aren't really that complex? Really, it's no one's business. But then, "Oh did you hear Claybourne came out?"  I think the whole coming out thing is a slap in the face to gender diversity. The fact that I had to declare to people, that the boy who was scared to go in to men's bathrooms, who watched more fashion television than a Trekkie binge watching Deep Space Nine on Netflix, who tucked his penis and sat to pee, who was an entirely flamboyant individual HAS GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES. Like, these people obviously knew. They saw in me things they did not like, they literally forced me to be different than my nature and now they want me to walk back in to their lives with a giant sign out for their convenience.  Argh, okay, by now if you're still reading you can see the layers and layers of stuff I have to go through. This whole new movement of freedom for people like me has me feeling I might have a chance. I see queer kids younger than me that have family and friends. I'm jealous. I was taught that we were going to burn in hell and that the mission was to exterminate the deviation known as queer. Here I am, hiding in the middle of no where, trying to limit the offence of my presence on my local world while I see so many queer people with so much in their life. I see queer people on TV crying about how hard their transition is, yet they're holding their mothers hand and their friends are saying spring things.  Did any of them have to serve their captors supper after climbing out of their shame boxes? Why did people I love do this to me? Why did they teach me I'm bad? So I'm done hiding. I came out.  Now it's just me.  Normally I have a never failing positive attitude. Since learning that my mom would rather I just stay gone, my bottom fell out. I always thought there was a reason for me hiding for her. I thought that if I made it easy on her at some point she'd get me back. Like, I could come home and have a family again.  It's not going to happen like that. She chose her man. She loves him. He hates queers. So ya.  I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here.  Mostly it's another lonely sleepless night here in the middle of nowhere. I know things need to change because I think I'm just waiting to die now. Not that I'm suicidal. I just can't start the circle of faking it again and I have no resources to make a new start. I wanted to be a singer and a dancer. Or a fashion designer or a chef. I ended up doing hard labor jobs like working on oil rigs, digging trenches and making cellphone towers. I've lived on the streets or conditions that would be classified as homeless often. My body is beaten and my Soul is low. I used so much of my being trying to make a man my mother could accept. Between time left and body capabilities, what could I really do? Reading back I see the biggest thing I need are people and a place that I can feel safe as a gender confused person. Living in the middle of an oil patch, in the heart of Redneck Alberta, Canada is not a queer friendly place. The local counselors look at me like I'm the jackpot of cases. That say things like, "you'll be my first transgender client. I've been doing lots of reading and hope I can help." It's like some kind of badge on their resume. Five minutes in to a session I'm consulting them in the small but mysterious bits of queer culture I do have. Like, really? Is there any where I can go that has a history of working with gender issues? Yes, I have addictions issues too. I just feel I've fought the symptom long enough. I need to address the core.  Any help? Please. By the way, this was supposed to be an introduction post, so "Hi. I'm Claire" and Claybourne. I guess. This is my start.  See you soon. 😘
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