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Am I alone in being this way ?


Martyn

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  • Forum Moderator

I know it hurts.  At least you're staying somewhere safe for now.  Don't go overboard on shopping!  Your expenses may become strained as well if the separation persists. 

 

Jani

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3 hours ago, Jani said:

I know it hurts.  At least you're staying somewhere safe for now.  Don't go overboard on shopping!  Your expenses may become strained as well if the separation persists. 

 

Jani

Lying in a b&b thinking what the hell have I done, I have caused all this, the total destruction of my family and loss my wife purely because of my selfish desires, being non binary has been the worst discission and choice of my entire life, the feelings I have being so callled nb are no way strong enough to warrant the outcome. I am just a selfish, self obsessed bastard, I even disgust myself now. 

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28 minutes ago, Martyn said:

I am just a selfish, self obsessed bastard,

Martyn, you are not any of the above. You are a valuable person and you definitely not selfish. You are being true to yourself and as already been stated, your family are the ones being selfish. They may be embarrassed or afraid of what their friends are going to think of them, but you need to do what is best for you. Others have said, and I repeat, things will get better with time.

Your wife and son are going through their own form of transition just as you are and they need time to sort out their feelings, just as you are in the process of sorting out your own feelings. For them, the process may take months, years or maybe never. In any case, the important thing that you need to remember is that you cannot control their reactions, but as you progress you will meet people that will love and accept you for the person you are.

When one door closes another opens.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Brandi

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6 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

Martyn, you are not any of the above. You are a valuable person and you definitely not selfish. You are being true to yourself and as already been stated, your family are the ones being selfish. They may be embarrassed or afraid of what their friends are going to think of them, but you need to do what is best for you. Others have said, and I repeat, things will get better with time.

Your wife and son are going through their own form of transition just as you are and they need time to sort out their feelings, just as you are in the process of sorting out your own feelings. For them, the process may take months, years or maybe never. In any case, the important thing that you need to remember is that you cannot control their reactions, but as you progress you will meet people that will love and accept you for the person you are.

When one door closes another opens.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Brandi

I wish I could accept who I am but even I don’t know who I am any more, I hate whatever I have become.

the reprocussions of all the fall out are massive, home to be sold meaning both parties including my son will have to exist in some pokey little flat, pets will have to be rehomed as they wouldn’t be allowed in flats.  All lives will be wrecked over all this, this is not me being all self putty full, it’s fact.

as a couple we had existed on a tight joint income, now, well I’ve no idea how any of us woukd be able to exist financially.

i feel I should do the decent thing and just exit this life and let them start over without all the destruction I would cause if I stay.

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SugarMagnolia

Martyn it's natural to be overwhelmed by all of the changes you and your family are going through. Please don't do anything today. Give yourself a little time.

@Martyn,I'm here and I have time to talk or chat. If you want to message me directly, I'm here. I know something about how you're feeling right now. 

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SugarMagnolia

@Martyn as I said I'm here for you but if you feel suicidal there are UK crisis lines that you can call for help. The resources we have for the UK are below. I know that you are feeling as though you're family would be better off, but they will always be better off with you here than with you gone. They're going through a lot and their attitudes to you and about you may change in time

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I’ve never felt so much hate and anger towards me in my whole life, my wife and son (18 in Jan) have both demonstrated very directly that they totally disown me, think I’m a disgusting, selfish and heartless man. They want me gone that couldn’t be clearer. 

There is no choice left if I’m not to totally destroy their lives 

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SugarMagnolia

Martyn, I know if feels like that. Believe me that I know how that feels. But there are other choices. Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

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princecharmless

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

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1 minute ago, princecharmless said:

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

My son has talked to his mates about everything, they too feel I’m a disgusting human being, how could I put my family through all this they said 

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princecharmless

They say that as 17 year olds. They have growing up to do, even if they don't realise that.

You aren't disgusting. You have to stick around and give your kid more chances in years to come.

 

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1 hour ago, SugarMagnolia said:

Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

 

Martyn, I also want to say I agree with SugarMagnolia that as painful as this is right now, time is your best friend.  It's so easy to make all these wild life decisions because you believe you must do "something" right this minute in order to solve the problem.  Life just doesn't work that way all the time...in fact, very rarely.

Also, don't listen to childish rantings about you being disgusting.  That's ridiculous.  You know this is not true on any level and you know deep down your son and his friends are simply acting out like children do.  When you start to feel this stressed, just take a few deep breaths and realize this feeling of despair is only temporary.  You have so much more to offer your family so don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

 

Susan R?

 

 

 

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Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

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2 hours ago, Jani said:

Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

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Just now, Martyn said:

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

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Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

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  • Root Admin

You can't control what others do or say. Perhaps it's time to cut your loses and walk away. Being in a toxic environment such as that will only drive you deeper into despair. It's time to back away.  As sad as it may be, this is something you should think about doing.

 

MaryEllen

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Just now, Martyn said:

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

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Just now, RithiaAllen said:

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

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Just now, Martyn said:

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

We are all humans and make mistakes. We have to be able to forgive for the mistakes we have made and be able to move forward. We can't wind back the clock but that doesn't mean things are over. Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

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Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

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Just now, Martyn said:

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

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Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

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Just now, Martyn said:

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

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Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

Assuming we get divorced and the family home is sold and monies divided up I would need a mortgage, so credit is essential.

the business is furniture restorstion, it’s s very niche market and doesn’t pay well, my skill set is purely that trade and have no other skills.

once debt free I plan to be a hospital porter, that would provide much more communication skills that I lack at present.

as for hobbies I have none, once bought a guitar but seem incapple if remembering anything. If I’m honesty nothing in life interests me.

yes support groups are on my radar, but as I’m purely non binary and not trans there are very few like me around, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable going to them as I’d not fit in.

 

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      Kendra's life,it has been a discovery of whom I am really.First memories of trying on feminine clothing when I was  14 years and curious how comfortable they were to were.I was in the 8th grade at the time after I got home from school doing my homework first if I had any.Mom was gone at work usually coming home around 6:30 PM.Then it was into my mom's closet trying on a few pieces of clothing of hers on.First one was a very favorite dress of hers,I loved how comfortable it was to wear against my skin and put it back the same way she had it.Then it was a couple tops and skirts of hers putting them the same way she had them.I was lucky too,never got caught in the act knowing when she came home from work.Mom never suspected anything something was going on with me seeing I was normal son of hers.Did try on her bras as well being careful to put them back right as well.Even tried on her heels.This was until I was 15 years old.Things stopped when I was 16 living a life as a normal young man doing anything any male would do thinking I was not really female.Then in 2011,what I did when I was 14 and 15 years old came back.This time it was with trying on my wife's clothes on when she was gone,we were dating and I thought I never got caught.I was wrong,she came home early one day and I thought she was mad at me with the oh crap look on my face at first.Instead,she said I looked good in the dress of hers on I tried on and I would look good dressed as female.Did get the idea of getting a couple of her friends of her involved and I was for it.First stop was to a jewelry store getting my ears pierced.Said clip on earring won't cut it also buying me a pair of 2 inch hoop earrings too.Then it was to a second hand store finding me a black knee length dress also finding the perfect pair of 3 inch black heels to go with the dress.Did get fitted for a bra too also get a pair of panties too.A friend of hers had a brunette wig that said my name on.Another friend of her taught me make up application.Said in 6 weeks I was going out with them for the first time.I thought cool,it took me practice to get everything right.My wife was surprised I got it right in 3 tries.Then it was a Saturday,Kendra finally came out 6 weeks after this happened.All said I looked good dressed as a woman and they were right.I loved it and it was part time at first.Then in 2015,I knew I wanted to stay as Kendra in 2016.Began the hair removal which took a year and told my wife I wanted to be Kendra fulltime in 2016.She fully loved the idea and said I look better as Kendra which I agreed with her 100%.I saw wearing of the male wardrobe was getting boring and liked the female wardrobe better.The plans went great with us and tough part was telling my mom she was going to have a new daughter in her life.She saw me as her son.It was in October of 2015 I told her I was going fulltime as female on January 1st,2016.She was speechless,gave her time and space to think things over on this.Finally on January 1st,2016,I said goodbye to my life as male stepping in a salon with the staff ready.I had good long hair which was washed and permanent hair extensions put in also my hair styled,make up and nails done too.When everything was done I loved the results having a reveal party and was surprised my mom was there.My wife loved it,she loved it right away and everyone else said I must be much happier now.Wife even said I look better as a woman.Then I saw the look on my mom's face and said she thought things over good.Finally told me that she finally accepts it and knows she has a daughter that is finally happy.I was glad she came to terms about it.Kendra and I were in the 3rd year of our marriage when this happened and say it brought us together more.In 2017,had my breast augmentation and a trachea shave done.I have a 16 year old son,he was 12 when I went fulltime,he learned to adjust to the changes very well.I taught him can't live with a struggle in your life holding you back.He usually calls me Kendra most of the time now seeing I live a happy life now.
    • Jacqui
      @Willow and @QuestioningAmber, thanks for your thoughtful replies!   Willow, while I am grateful for your kind, supportive words, I'm not sure I deserve all that much credit!  Only my gender therapist is going to deal with me face-to-face as Jacqui.  You go out as Willow when you are in Charleston, where multiple people know you as her.  What's more, Jacqui has never 'put herself together' yet (my profile pic is courtesy of FaceApp, using a 10-year old picture of me).  Willow has a look already -- hairstyle, clothes, jewelry (I love your starfish earrings, by the way) -- and you have faced someplace in the world as your true self.  I am dieting, letting my hair grow, and doing a lot of planning, but that's it for now (unless my self-acceptance takes the form of a step-wise progression where I eventually wind up attending my therapy sessions in full feminine regalia -- talk about a wow moment!  I think I'd have to find a 'big sister' to help me get to that point.  Right now I have trouble visualizing myself that way just walking from my car to the therapist's door!)   By the way, when you are in Charleston, have you ever tried the restaurant called "Husk"?  It's supposed to be pretty special -- all locally-sourced cuisine.  I read about it in a New Yorker article some years ago.   Amber, I'm glad that you are finding opportunities to use your preferred name (which is beautiful, by the way).  I'm a little surprised your therapist has not offered to use your preferred name in your sessions (unless they are not doing gender therapy with you).    
    • Jandi
      Sheesh
    • KendraML
      Looking towards it and always wanted it,we always worked together very well knowing I would be good at it.Two other people applied for it,they liked my resume better
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