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i wish i didn't have to transition


leomonade

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by this point, I've pretty much accepted that I'm trans. i experience loads of dysphoria, i know I'll be happier as a guy, etc, etc. i genuinely can't wait until I'll be able to live life as my identified gender and plan to go and T and surgery once it's made possible for me. but there's still one thing that's really been troubling me about being a transguy, and it's the fact that I'm trans itself.

 

don't get me wrong, trans people are valid and should be allowed to live as their gender, but i wish so much that i could've been born a cis boy. as much as i love my friends  now and realize that i might have never met them had i not been born female, i still wish i wouldn't have to go through so much just to live life as a guy. i know I'll be so much happier as a male, but i still feel a sort of dread from having to do so much for it.

 

that's about all i have to say oof i wanted to vent really quickly 

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I agree. I don’t want to be trans. But I am. Life is full of silly little things like this. It’s not right that as a trans person we have to fight so hard for nothing more than being ourselves when cis people just get to be. 

There are benefits though. You get a unique vision of life. You’ll get to see both sides of the coin. And you’ll truly feel blessed to simply be yourself. Most cis people will never know that feeling. Or I guess I should say they won’t even ever think of that notion. 

If you’d rather, don’t think of yourself as trans. Think of yourself as you. Just you. Trans is just a label that some person made up a long time ago. It means nothing really.  You’re just you. Use the label or not. You get to choose who and what you are. Just find you and be happy. 

Kirsten

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Leo, 

 

Yes life would certainly have been simpler but...

15 hours ago, leomonade said:

i still wish i wouldn't have to go through so much just to live life as a guy.

That's not where you are.  You have to make your own breaks sometimes.  Yes you will most likely be happier.  Yes it is hard at times and even painful.   But to use the old cliche, "no pain no gain."  The pain you are experiencing now will be be gone and you will be happier.  

 

I am much happier now and things that bothered me before seem to roll off me.  Why, because I've seen that I can choose to be happy and not be glum, or look at the negative side.  Life is too short for that.  

 

Its OK to vent.  We're here to listen.

 

Jani  

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I agree with it being do hard. I have fought with it and listened to what others have told me to do. I stopped transitioning and lived like others wanted me to for years. I was so miserable. I actually felt like I had to keep up an act for like 12 years or so. I put on weight and just gave up on life pretty much. Finally I stopped going anywhere, doing anything or seeing anyone but at work. I got sick from being overweight and ended up in the hospital. The doctor gave me a choice, live or die basic. So when I woke up the next morning I layed there and thought "I wanted to live" but as me. I went, talked to a therapist, lost like 75lbs, got blood work done and have been on hrt for almost 2 months now, or maybe even 2 months, can't remember but anyway, for the most part, I'm happy. It is very hard and I have ups and downs but it awesome. It is strange. I feel normal now. Im mtf and feel right im my cute jeans or boots or whatever. I don't feel like I have to act like anything anymore. I don't try to be more manly, or girly for that matter. I don't know, can't explain it. I just know it feels right. Yes, its hard at times, extremely hard sometimes but I wouldn't go back for anything or anyone. People can call me trans or she or whatever. I call myself me and I am finally happy to be me. :)

Stay strong! 

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  • Forum Moderator

HI Lemonade,

 

  To live in this time and to have these options available to us is truly amazing, I personally don't take for granted. To have the ability to live the dreams of the past held deep inside, to experience those things in this time, is now beyond compare. So while there is pain in the process, the results can be very compelling. I hope things go well for you, do keep a positive frame of mind, look for the good in things and others, and the good will find you. We are the travelers, the risk takers, the life seekers...

 

Hugs

 

Cynthia -

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On 9/20/2018 at 8:17 PM, leomonade said:

i wish so much that i could've been born a cis boy

 

That's understandable.  I bet we all long to have the cis experience of the gender we belong to.  ...But for the REST of your life you get what you want.  You're gonna love it.

 

On 9/21/2018 at 12:46 PM, Jani said:

The pain you are experiencing now will be be gone and you will be happier.

 

Agreed.  Not only will you be happier, transition will be to you like fire is to refining gold.  You will be the same person and yet you'll be very different in the way you see other minorities, other beliefs, society and the world.  You will gain something that is priceless and attainable no easy way.

 

37 minutes ago, CyndiRae said:

To live in this time and to have these options available to us is truly amazing, I personally don't take for granted

 

Amen!  It's interesting though.  I feel like we've been given an inch, for which I am elated and seizing every opportunity, but society really needs to move about a mile.

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On 9/20/2018 at 8:17 PM, leomonade said:

i wish so much that i could've been born a cis boy.

I find that life would be so much easier if I had been a boy both physically and mentally, or a girl completely. I know that I wish that I was born a girl, but I have come to realize that even if my body says "boy" I am a girl and have to live this way for now. I am hoping to be able to have the surgery sometime in the future.

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