My gender and identity crisis

[JMG]

Hello, I am having and I have had waves of anguish over my physical gender over the years since late elementary to middle school with a huge increase in my teens. I am now 44 and I have not had much of this during my latest decade or 2. But a few years ago it came back to me that I feel like I would rather be female. I was going to forums and asked, and tried to develop this, but in the middle of that, first thing on that forum I got trolled by some cyber bully and badly hurt mentally and emotionally, so I felt just bad, a few months later, I got in a disaster that was unrelated to my mental issues, which made me put this aside, being scared of the whole idea that I might be a transgender. I have developed a "male identity" which seemed to help me during the years, but I did have long hair first, but I cut it after the latest disaster. I have had horrible sexual trouble too, not only do I never feel for sex for weeks after, but I also feel I have no control over my sexual desires, this is unbearable when I am feeling gender dysphoria and hardly cannot look at my body.  This has been followed me like a shadow since I was in the teen ages. But when I had developed a male identity, I could feel sexual lust over my own male body, rather dressed in body covering underwear or similar, rarely naked (this, by itself seems strange and perhaps sick)? But when I did this, I felt I had more control over my sexuality, but lately my gender dysphoria came back at full power and I lost control again. I feel that if I learn to love my male body like I did, things will not go out of control, but on the other hand, it still feels "wrong" to me on most occasions other than when I feel sexual desire over the body. How do I resolve this? When/if the body starts to transform on HRT, will I miss that strange sexual security? Or will I still be able to see my (new female) body in the same positive way,  but now with a female identity? I really hope I have explained this in an understandable way. But please ask if you wonder.

[Carolyn Marie]

I think you did a very good job of explaining your feelings, JMG.  I appreciate how uncomfortable and scary it is to reveal your feelings and thoughts, even if this is an anonymous forum.  We have all spent lifetimes hiding from others, and too often, even from ourselves.  it takes real courage to talk about it with others.

 

Many of your questions are impossible to answer, hon.  Whether and to what degree you will miss your male body if you change physically is something no one, not even a therapist, can tell you for sure.  I think its safe to say that most of us have longed so much and for so long a time to experience having the form and the emotions of the opposite gender that we soon stop "missing" the form we once had, and revel in the new.  That was my feeling, at least.

 

It is also very common to feel comfortable in our male skin, sometimes for years at a time, only to find that our female selves resurface later in life, often much more strongly than before.  That, too, was my experience.  When Carolyn came calling again at the age of 54, there was nothing for me to do then but pay attention, and let her have center stage, finally and forever.

 

If you aren't now seeing a gender therapist, I urge you to do so.  They can help you come to grips with these questions, and find ways to help you find your true path forwards. 

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

I'm saddened to hear you were bullied.  That will not happen here.  

 

We are all individuals with differing ways of reacting to the changes in our lives but I have to agree with Carolyn Marie about not looking back at my former (male) self with too much sadness.  I love my body now.  I love clothes and had some nice guy things that were hard to move on to others because I enjoyed wearing them, but on the other hand now I have a new wardrobe of other things I love.   It all evens out in the end, in my opinion.  

 

As to sexual security, I'm not sure what that means other than maybe you are presently comfortable in your male persona.  I think as things evolve you will be as equally secure in your new self.  You may have to work at it, maybe not. I do believe you will come to see your female identity in a positive light.  

 

Jani

[JMG]

Thank you for the responses! What  I should say is that I have developed a sexual desire to my male body, but when my female sides came out, I get in a frustration mood that the dislike of my make body prevents what I usually do sometimes  sexually. Until I finally can come to a care therapist, there is a waiting time of 1-2 years in my  country, I need a temporary solution to feel the lust for this body and still dress female in other aspects of life. There is no way I would run at datings, I don't feel comfortable with another person at this stage.

[Jani]

Since there is such a long waiting line for care, which I imagine is state sponsored, is there a way for you to get private care (therapy) for a few sessions to help sort things out until you can get into the other care? 

 

Jani 

[JMG]

On 9/25/2018 at 2:57 AM, Jani said:

Since there is such a long waiting line for care, which I imagine is state sponsored, is there a way for you to get private care (therapy) for a few sessions to help sort things out until you can get into the other care? 

 

Jani 

As for having someone to talk about this with in a therapeutic manner: Only with my current homeopathic doctor (Cantharis and lots of water does help with spontaneous sexual reactions which are merely physiological and extremely  humiliating and adds to the dysphoria) , I have tried to find psychotherapy in the private but it is not even possible to get hold of them, I don't know why, and as for HRT and surgery, there is only one way and it is the state supported. But I need to develop a strategy or similar. I have had situations where I have had sexual desire to my male body, that could keep it in check while I wait but how that works with my normal day to day life as a woman, I need to experiment myself and find out.