Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


My gender and identity crisis

Recommended Posts


Hello, I am having and I have had waves of anguish over my physical gender over the years since late elementary to middle school with a huge increase in my teens. I am now 44 and I have not had much of this during my latest decade or 2. But a few years ago it came back to me that I feel like I would rather be female. I was going to forums and asked, and tried to develop this, but in the middle of that, first thing on that forum I got trolled by some cyber bully and badly hurt mentally and emotionally, so I felt just bad, a few months later, I got in a disaster that was unrelated to my mental issues, which made me put this aside, being scared of the whole idea that I might be a transgender. I have developed a "male identity" which seemed to help me during the years, but I did have long hair first, but I cut it after the latest disaster. I have had horrible sexual trouble too, not only do I never feel for sex for weeks after, but I also feel I have no control over my sexual desires, this is unbearable when I am feeling gender dysphoria and hardly cannot look at my body.  This has been followed me like a shadow since I was in the teen ages. But when I had developed a male identity, I could feel sexual lust over my own male body, rather dressed in body covering underwear or similar, rarely naked (this, by itself seems strange and perhaps sick)? But when I did this, I felt I had more control over my sexuality, but lately my gender dysphoria came back at full power and I lost control again. I feel that if I learn to love my male body like I did, things will not go out of control, but on the other hand, it still feels "wrong" to me on most occasions other than when I feel sexual desire over the body. How do I resolve this? When/if the body starts to transform on HRT, will I miss that strange sexual security? Or will I still be able to see my (new female) body in the same positive way,  but now with a female identity? I really hope I have explained this in an understandable way. But please ask if you wonder.

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

I think you did a very good job of explaining your feelings, JMG.  I appreciate how uncomfortable and scary it is to reveal your feelings and thoughts, even if this is an anonymous forum.  We have all spent lifetimes hiding from others, and too often, even from ourselves.  it takes real courage to talk about it with others.


Many of your questions are impossible to answer, hon.  Whether and to what degree you will miss your male body if you change physically is something no one, not even a therapist, can tell you for sure.  I think its safe to say that most of us have longed so much and for so long a time to experience having the form and the emotions of the opposite gender that we soon stop "missing" the form we once had, and revel in the new.  That was my feeling, at least.


It is also very common to feel comfortable in our male skin, sometimes for years at a time, only to find that our female selves resurface later in life, often much more strongly than before.  That, too, was my experience.  When Carolyn came calling again at the age of 54, there was nothing for me to do then but pay attention, and let her have center stage, finally and forever.


If you aren't now seeing a gender therapist, I urge you to do so.  They can help you come to grips with these questions, and find ways to help you find your true path forwards. 




Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

I'm saddened to hear you were bullied.  That will not happen here.  


We are all individuals with differing ways of reacting to the changes in our lives but I have to agree with Carolyn Marie about not looking back at my former (male) self with too much sadness.  I love my body now.  I love clothes and had some nice guy things that were hard to move on to others because I enjoyed wearing them, but on the other hand now I have a new wardrobe of other things I love.   It all evens out in the end, in my opinion.  


As to sexual security, I'm not sure what that means other than maybe you are presently comfortable in your male persona.  I think as things evolve you will be as equally secure in your new self.  You may have to work at it, maybe not. I do believe you will come to see your female identity in a positive light.  



Share this post

Link to post

Thank you for the responses! What  I should say is that I have developed a sexual desire to my male body, but when my female sides came out, I get in a frustration mood that the dislike of my make body prevents what I usually do sometimes  sexually. Until I finally can come to a care therapist, there is a waiting time of 1-2 years in my  country, I need a temporary solution to feel the lust for this body and still dress female in other aspects of life. There is no way I would run at datings, I don't feel comfortable with another person at this stage.

Share this post

Link to post

Since there is such a long waiting line for care, which I imagine is state sponsored, is there a way for you to get private care (therapy) for a few sessions to help sort things out until you can get into the other care? 



Share this post

Link to post
On 9/25/2018 at 2:57 AM, Jani said:

Since there is such a long waiting line for care, which I imagine is state sponsored, is there a way for you to get private care (therapy) for a few sessions to help sort things out until you can get into the other care? 



As for having someone to talk about this with in a therapeutic manner: Only with my current homeopathic doctor (Cantharis and lots of water does help with spontaneous sexual reactions which are merely physiological and extremely  humiliating and adds to the dysphoria) , I have tried to find psychotherapy in the private but it is not even possible to get hold of them, I don't know why, and as for HRT and surgery, there is only one way and it is the state supported. But I need to develop a strategy or similar. I have had situations where I have had sexual desire to my male body, that could keep it in check while I wait but how that works with my normal day to day life as a woman, I need to experiment myself and find out.

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 13 Guests (See full list)

    • hmillerrr
    • VickySGV
    • MolsMags93
    • Ashlee
  • Who Was Online

    93 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • hmillerrr
    • VickySGV
    • MolsMags93
    • Ashlee
    • SusanMtF
    • Carolyn Marie
    • DylanAnnedrew
    • DenimAndLace
    • Cheyenne skye
    • LarryCopano
    • Cursedbook
    • claire1000
    • anzu2snow
    • JJ
    • KymmieL
    • Cat Lady Kelly
    • MaryEllen
    • Kirsten
    • Sharon Aml
    • Jani
    • BrandiBri
    • Susan
    • Willow
    • CallMeKai
    • Jaylen
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • Rachael
    • Elyssia
    • Miseria
    • Jocelyn
    • MaryMary
    • Sakura
    • Notsure2015
    • EvanC
    • Dev
    • Wrightful
    • Zedarius
    • ResearchFairy
    • Paul Rankeillor
    • Petra Jane
    • Michelle F
    • Cmattison
    • Ronin82
    • Limitededition
    • Jackie C.
    • elizabeth22
    • benjitheweirdo
    • Lee
    • Charlize
    • Cluck1992
    • Exotica
    • jae bear
    • pulson
    • Delicious
    • MinKiMom
    • Darlene7139
    • Paul
    • Dakota16
    • Martyn
    • tracy_j
    • Isabelle
    • Timber Wolf
    • onaquest
    • Leona
    • Elliott
    • Summer
    • broxleigh
    • Rebecca Lynn
    • jo jo
    • Mickey
    • Rowan
    • cassian
    • Perséfone
    • Julie J
    • nitehwk
    • Alf
    • Lorraine
    • KeiraC
    • StephanieP
    • Lexi
    • Connie
    • Danielle Rose
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Carly Hughes
    • carol
    • SugarMagnolia
    • Terry
    • NewLife336
    • Cyndee
    • Clara84
    • Robin
    • Dee Jay
    • stirFridayy
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Piper
      (40 years old)
    2. terriann
      (67 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashlee
      Hi, that funny. I was actually looking at Tampa/Sarasota as well. I've lived there before and loved it. My Dr is also based out of Sarasota so that would be nice. I use to frequent a club called the castle a lot the first time I started to transition. I think the costs of Florida are pretty much safe but the inner parts are very very intolerant. I don't make a very good country girl at all. I don't hunt, fish go mudding or anything like that. I hate sports ball games. Whats scary is im caring less and less about what people think. Im not sure why but I it doesn't really bother me if people know I'm  trans. A couple girls have guessed it and are cool with it and hang out. They ask moisturizer advice and hair growing advice. The guys though, thats another story. None of them hang anymore and I don't care but I'm so scared of ending up in a sugar cane field dead. Im saving as much as possible, which is hard while transitioning without insurance, to relocate as quickly as possible. I go to Lauderdale a lot, walk around downtown taking pictures and whatever else and nobody notices me. No wispers or weird looks. I love it. Thank you for the compliment btw. Im actually starting like the person looking at me from the mirror. I'm starting to feel like me.   Ashlee
    • Ashlee
      Hi, I was planning on waiting a lot longer than a few months for sure. I go In to see my dr and get blood work for  my 3 month checkup in about about 2 weeks. I'm hoping all goes well with that and I will figure it out from there I suppose. I guess everyones timeline is so much different. Definitely can't go by someone else's experiences. Don't be surprised if things start going fast for you. Im 45 and holy smokes, the changes are just crazy. My emotions are way way different, my boobs hurt so bad, my skinny jeans aren't so skinny in the butt area anymore but still lost weight, skin is so soft and man muscle is melting away. Things are heavier too me. These are all things coming up for you, and its awesome! Sounds like im complaining but no. Its so great. I wouldn't trade what going on with my mind and body for anything. Just keep on keeping on I suppose   Ashlee 
    • Carolyn Marie
      I can't help reading them sometimes, but I don't make a habit of it.  It just leaves me frustrated and angry, and there;s no reason to torture myself.   Carolyn Marie
    • LarryCopano
      So, I'm one of the weird guys who actually reads the hate-filled comments, and doesn't take it too personally.  I actually enjoy debating.  I don't call them names.  I like being calm, and not taking their bait meant to upset me.   Anyone else that way?      
    • KymmieL
      Another great day today was. Not only coming out to my wife but just being able to enjoy. Just waiting for my evening coffee, now.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      Thank you all. Yeah, I do feel better. But still some what shocked. I think it will be with me for a while. Now for the next step.   Kymmie
    • Cursedbook
      Thank you. I'm really just venting. The day I joined the forum, I bought groceries. Walking out of the store I passed a woman who called me a "lez". Normally it wouldn't have bothered me, but my time here in Texas has been so miserable it was almost literally adding insult to injury. I have no hope of ever fitting in. I'm just going to try to focus my energy into what it means to be my true authentic self. If people accept me, fine. If not, fine. I have cats, my photography, and a love of books to keep me company. Contributing to this forum will prevent me from becoming a total and complete troglodyte.   Hugs back atcha   Thank you so much for the encouragement. I needed to hear something positive.  There's a quote that comes to mind: "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -e.e. cummings   Nice to meet you as well.
    • Jani
      I think you passed the audition!  
    • Jani
      Kymmie this is good news.  I am so happy for you.  It is interesting that those closest to us know us very well.   My wife had offered to let me have her "girls" also but I told her it doesn't work that way.  I grew my own too.    BIG Hugs!!! Jani
    • Jani
      Hi Ashlee.  You might look into the Tampa area as I know there is an active TG community and the area is fairly tolerant.     You look great for having just started!   Please be safe.   Jani 
    • Jani
      You have an interesting mix of music genres there!   Your insurance plan may have a search tool you can use to find the right person.  Also we have a Resources page that may be helpful.  Also try https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists   All my best, Jani
    • Jani
      Hi Larry.  I don't know if you are seeing a therapist but they may have an idea of where you could locate the additional support you need.  You also might try here  https://www.tgrcnm.org  or  http://www.lascrucestrans.org   You don't say why the in-person support groups didn't click with you but I will offer that you should try again.  People come and go and the groups do evolve.  Don't despair, you'll find what you need.     Cheers, Jani  
    • SusanMtF
      Ashlee, I'm about 6 weeks behind you on HRT but I ask myself questions regarding my timeline periodically.  I'm much older so I doubt I'll have as much change as you have experienced.  As some have mentioned to me, the changes sometimes dictate the speed of one's transition and their "coming out" timeline.  I was really hoping I wouldn't have to make any big decisions til 2019 as to coming out to family.  I'm not sure if that'll be possible or not..if things start to change as rapidly as they did in your case.  I'm sort of playing it by ear but right now only my wife knows anything at this point.  I hope I have a little more time before I'm forced to share with my family and friends..but who knows?   SusanMtF
    • SusanMtF
      I am so happy to hear about this.  I applaud your courage & willpower and wish you the very best.  I bet you'll feel wonderful after the initial shock calms down a bit. Communication is a main key to most if not all good relationships.   Im very happy for you! SusanMtF
    • Susan
      I will never vote democrat!!!!!!! I don't like their policies!!!! But I don't vote either. never have and never will!!!! If i were to. I would be an independent. I am not really a fan of trump but i do like some of his policy when i relates to the budget and military and immigration. Sorry but This is how i feel. And i don't think impeachment is in the cards. You can't impeach a president if he has done nothing wrong. Again, I am NOT a trump fan!!!
  • Upcoming Events