Good morning All. Coffees on.

[TTheta]

46 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Stupid people suck. Also you didn't give us an "after" picture when you went to go cut your hair (I just checked). I'm sorry your brother is being a pill and that your family in general is supportive. NB is right though. You'll come out the other side stronger.

 

Hugs!

So I did get my hair cut, I will just need to take a pic after school  Also thank you for your support,

[Josie Beth]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

@Josie Beth you are still young so don't discount being able to establish yourself in a job you can be happy with.  Have you considered moving to a place that may be more accepting and that offers better job protections?  It doesn't seem like you are attached to the area you are in.  

Jani

 

If this turns out to be tldr then just skip it completely but please read before responding with something that I have already talked about. It just isn’t as helpful as is intended. I do appreciate the empathy though.

 

 

Like I’ve said before yes I’m still technically “young” appearing, but I am definitely feeling my age. I can no longer work in high stress environments. It will literally kill me the longer I keep “trying out” jobs. What I need is a focused direction. The shotgun approach isn’t going to work.

 

To move, and I’ve done a ton of research on where, I need to save money. The last thing I need is to go to a new place and have no money to support myself because then I’ll be homeless and vulnerable, and I have no more lives for that. It will kill me if I end up on the street. I have to be careful if I want to stay alive. My health is my main concern right now because it’s been very difficult to battle with the chest pain. This is a direct result of not only low pay which means a poor diet out of necessity, but also high stress which raises cortisol, and nobody is going to let me take a nap or go walk it off in most jobs available to me.

 

Again I need to save money but I need focused ideas for what would be a good fit for me without starving or getting evicted in the immediate future.

 

And unfortunately my t-shirt business isn’t getting off the ground as quickly as I have liked because real life gets in the way. I just had a bad weekend where I basically hibernated and drank orange juice just to beat a cold only to be told Monday not to return to work permanently. So what was the point? I focused on being healthy just for a job that was yanked out from under me and didn’t work on anything I had planned for the weekend because I was trying to stay healthy for a job that didn’t appreciate me. It’s things like this that make me question my decisions and sometimes I actually wish it was just over. 

 

I have no disposable income so I can’t even afford to look for jobs or go to interviews. I’m desperate right now and that’s just the nature of taking the work I have to take just to survive.

 

I really should go get ready for the temp agency update soon but I’m also afraid that it will just be a waste of time because they keep trying to force this French’s shift work on the onion line, which is two deal breakers: 1) high stress 2) a product that is bad on the lungs of a former smoker and the eyes which will only stress me out more.

 

 I have no patience with people who want to use me as a guinea pig to “find a good fit” instead of listening to me and what I can actually do. So based on the check in today at the temp agency, I can pretty much tell what kind of results I’m going to get. What I’ve learned from these last groups of failure is that often times the person interviewing or in a supervisor role is a lazy listener and views the employee as a liability immediately that they have to attack. The sad truth is it’s a culture of forcing results instead of actually working with people on their strengths and being patient. 

 

Case in point: this last one asked me to change my procedure on a certain cleaning method but because it takes at least a week to round up rags and everything else they just assumed that I had ignored them and based their decision on the assumption instead of the actual truth of the matter. That’s what I have been dealing with for a long time. Laaaazy bosses that expect superhero results. And then they have the nerve to spray cliches about “that’s life” or “welcome to reality” but I guess that doesn’t apply to them. Do as I say not as I do. More like welcome to insanity.

[NB Adult]

That really sucks @Josie Beth and believe me when I say that if I had the resources I'd be the first one to give you a leg up, it's because I am a compulsive fixer of broken lives. Something I catch a lot of criticism for here on the home front as I'm always being told either that I have a sucker sign across my forehead or that I am a magnate for women with mental problems. In any event my heart goes out to you girlfriend, and I wish that I had some constructive information for you but I'm of no use other than to hope something good surfaces for you soon.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Trust me my friend. Crying is a very good stress reliever and let’s a lot out.  
I have been a hot mess lately but after a good cry I feel better.  Jmo

[Josie Beth]

Thanks @NB Adult. I appreciate the sentiment. I will pm you in a little while because not all help has to be financial or direct.

 

Well since I have the time it seems like a good idea to focus on what job would fit my personality best. So I’ve been filling out personality quizzes to really see what fits the best. At times I feel like an INFP but today I pretty much feel like an INFJ. So anyway, disclaimer: these tests are only so accurate but they really have opened my eyes to why my career path has been totally wrong for me no matter what courses I’ve taken or what my ACT test results were from high school. Btw, those are a terrible reference point but I didn’t even get access to those results from my parents until after they realized in my early 30s that I just wasn’t going to be what they were trying to force me into, but it evaluated me as being very technically inclined which is still the wrong assessment. So I was then basing my career goals off of a faulty system that had no interest in my well being but attempted to again: force me into a horrible career fit based on the then corporate needs in 1990. 

 

So... INFJ...

 

So now I’m finding all this out way after my prime and in a time where I just don’t have the opportunity to go back to school anywhere at all just to land a job that actually fits my personality. I do have several years of experience doing 3d graphics, and art, but it’s mostly self taught and I’d have to somehow make it official. I’d be an excellent fit for teaching or Human Resources or even counseling but those and any other jobs that I would actually enjoy require a degree or proof of current enrollment in the required curriculum. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Also all the jobs that haven’t worked out were on the list if jobs to absolutely avoid. Including the only ones that I have access to right now because corporate America loves to lock people into a box even if it’s totally wrong for them. And not many companies are willing to train people on the job with pay for entry level jobs in the categories that I would absolutely thrive in. That’s a huge obstacle. 

 

And the obvious answer of retail sales associate or cashier is probably just going to burn me out quickly just because it’s the holidays. So I’m really worried at this point. 

[NB Adult]

In the best Tony Soprano voice I can possibly muster; "You do what you gotta to do!" Life can be a real beach, sometimes we wonder if we took a wrong turn and wound up at Sonoma Beach. (A little stupid humor from your pal NB) 

[Josie Beth]

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Trust me my friend. Crying is a very good stress reliever and let’s a lot out.  
I have been a hot mess lately but after a good cry I feel better.  Jmo

 

Believe me, I’ve had several good cries over the last week and it’s definitely cleansing but still doesn’t address the immediate reality.

 

49 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

In the best Tony Soprano voice I can possibly muster; "You do what you gotta to do!" Life can be a real beach, sometimes we wonder if we took a wrong turn and wound up at Sonoma Beach. (A little stupid humor from your pal NB) 

 

Yes that’s true, I’m just scared that doing what I have to do is going to land me in the hospital which would only compound my current problems. I can’t even be honest about it with potential employers because they will definitely see me as a liability. So it’s a catch 22 yet again. 

[Willow]

Hi, didn’t have time for coffee today.  I had a medical appointment at 8:15. I have pain from arthritis in my big toe.  To my surprise he’s going to operate on it next week.  So the rest of the morning was spent getting pre-op testing.  Tomorrow I meet with my endocrinologist.  I’ll find out about prescription adjustments.

 

Willow

[NB Adult]

46 minutes ago, Willow said:

Hi, didn’t have time for coffee today.  I had a medical appointment at 8:15. I have pain from arthritis in my big toe.  To my surprise he’s going to operate on it next week.  So the rest of the morning was spent getting pre-op testing.  Tomorrow I meet with my endocrinologist.  I’ll find out about prescription adjustments.

 

Willow

 

Welcome to my world, arthritis sucks! Have it in my hands, feet, knees and shoulders, sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is a real process, but sleeping in makes it worse. Getting up at 0500 taking the dawg out for pee-pee time, making cawfee and then feeding the dog is a necessary routine to get loosened up and functioning normally. 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

43 minutes ago, NB Adult said:

 

Welcome to my world, arthritis sucks! Have it in my hands, feet, knees and shoulders, sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is a real process, but sleeping in makes it worse. Getting up at 0500 taking the dawg out for pee-pee time, making cawfee and then feeding the dog is a necessary routine to get loosened up and functioning normally. 

 

Both knees and shoulders but got now that’s it. It is a challenge some days. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

2 hours ago, Josie Beth said:

Believe me, I’ve had several good cries over the last week and it’s definitely cleansing but still doesn’t address the immediate reality.

I hear you sister.  Crying is a stress relief but does not make the things that stress us ho away.  I’m looking at a very grim and uncertain future financially so I understand your fears and anxiety’s over it.  

[Josie Beth]

56 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I hear you sister.  Crying is a stress relief but does not make the things that stress us ho away.  I’m looking at a very grim and uncertain future financially so I understand your fears and anxiety’s over it.  

 

I do feel a little better. I’ve done everything that I can today so I’m not going to stress about it anymore today. Tomorrow I have a lot to do. I have to go return my work shirt to the agency because I’m not allowed to take it directly to the university for some stupid reason. I’m sure if I did that they would call the agency just to make it hard for me to get any further assignments. I don’t want my paycheck to be held back for any reason so I’m not taking any chances. And I have to get more time slips because I gave them all to this passive aggressive supervisor under the false pretense of going full time. I expressed my feelings about that to the agency because that was just dirty of her. She’s supposed to contact the agency for them instead of using all mine. What a piece of dishonest trash.

 

1 hour ago, NB Adult said:

 

Welcome to my world, arthritis sucks! Have it in my hands, feet, knees and shoulders, sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is a real process, but sleeping in makes it worse. Getting up at 0500 taking the dawg out for pee-pee time, making cawfee and then feeding the dog is a necessary routine to get loosened up and functioning normally. 

 

 

I’m starting to feel the joints more lately and it’s one of the biggest reasons for requiring a bathtub in my next apartment. I really miss just soaking with a decent book or maybe some music and candles. As long as I don’t fall asleep in the water!

[Susan R]

Having a late night coffee and thought I'd share what a great time I had at an event I attended all day this last Saturday.  I may be volunteering for a position that helps teens and young adults that are at risk (homeless, addicts, LGBTQ+, victims of abuse, etc...)  One of the training events was this weekend and it was the most amazing adventure you could imagine.

 

I absolutely love working with LGBTQ+ youth.  I think I may have finally found my calling.  It was a ten hour event with great food, activities, classes, and great entertainment.  The kids that participated in the entertainment were prepared and impressive to say the least.  I had never heard of the event but will likely attend every year from here on out.  Maybe some of you have heard of it...or like me, maybe you haven't.  This was the 23rd year of the event here in the Seattle area.

 

Here's the flyer.

[lauraincolumbia]

Thats great!  It sounds so rewarding.  Let us know when it is next year!

[NB Adult]

Getting outside of ourselves and helping others has it's rewards. 

[KymmieL]

Remember girls as the song goes, It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. While I can put up a brave face most of the time. I can break down crying at the drop of the hat. Like some girls do.

 

Kymmie

[Susan R]

I'm up very early for me at 5:30am. Coffee is tasting so good this early!  Much needed this morning too.  I'm heading back into Seattle this morning.  My wife's biopsy consult was done yesterday.  They scheduled her to have Mohs surgery to remove a cancer spot below her left eye.  After we arrived home from the hospital, they called and  said another patient cancelled their surgery and so can move up the surgery date from Jan. 14th to today at 9:30am this morning.  This is good news but it might be a very long day.

 

Susan R?

[Josie Beth]

Hope everything goes well. I’m also up early but I’m abstaining from coffee. I really would like to get more rest but I’m also very aware that I need to accomplish some things today in particular order. 

 

I was texted out of the blue by my brother last night. I didn’t think much about it at first because he asked how I was doing so I wrote a book about my current situation. But after that he started to talk about everyone in his household being sick so I thought it was about that and checking on me. But eventually he broke the news that my paternal grandmother has cancer again for the 3rd time and the doctor said she has 3 months.

 

 I paused for a long time and eventually I explained that I didn’t even really know how to process it because of my current trouble. It’s just too much for reality to sink in. He said he didn’t either. And that was the end of the conversation basically. 

 

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I feel bad for my dad and my brother, my cousins and anyone who is closer to my grandmother than I am because that’s definitely going to be a difficult grieving process. But my paternal grandmother and I are not close at all. Our relationship soured back in 1999 because she believed the lies my ex spread about me and when I turned to her for help I was treated like an outcast. Basically I was in the process of a divorce and not only was the ex spreading lies about me but she cleaned my bank account completely because she still had a debit card and when I got replacement cards she would use her copy of the mailbox key to just get the next. She also got me fired and evicted with her allegations. 

 

Now grandma had 3 spare bedrooms. Nobody was using them. I was even willing to pay her rent up front until I could save money to move but instead of being honest with me about her intentions she dropped me at a shelter which was not conducive at all to work and that’s the last time we actually spoke verbally. Since then she has sent me cards and said very little of substance, has not apologized, but keeps sending me $20 here and there randomly for holidays or birthdays, but that’s not what I want.

 

The last time I responded to her was in an email. I confronted her about how devastating it was for her to help ruin my life instead of being helpful at the time and that while I appreciated the money over the years that I didn’t really want it, I wanted an apology and throwing money at me was not an apology. Her response was to deflect and avoid, claiming that she could not figure out the technology of emails and that it was too difficult to read with her old age so she was closing her account.

 

And I’ve been waiting for an apology ever since. She has my address, and I always share it with her on the off chance she will write a letter apologizing, but it never comes. I’ve never been insulting about it, and I have been tactful about it, but I’m still waiting.  

 

Thankfully I don’t get any more money. But I’m probably never going to get an apology and I can’t afford to go all the way to Washington state just to surround her with everyone else on her death bed. I’m assuming that’s how she wants to go about it but that’s not a possibility. 

 

In contrast, I was very close to my maternal grandmother and she always had special place in my heart. In spite of the pain and trouble I’ve been through she never judged me and didn’t believe the lies my ex spread around. Her letters were much warmer and she shared a lot of stories and wisdom that still stick with me. So her passing was very difficult for me. 

 

It may sound mean but I almost wish it was already over. I mean if she isn’t going to apologize then why linger? If her guilt is keeping her here then why not just apologize already? If that’s part of her unfinished business then why delay? I can’t move on with my life if this keeps lingering. The reconciliation ball has been in her court for years. But I’m supposed to initiate the conversation again? If I do then there’s probably not going to be an apology, just like before. 

 

This is is draining. I’m feeling tired again so I’ll lay down for a while.

[Jackie C.]

A wise friend of mine told me that suffering is for the people you'll leave behind. Her point was that by suffering (in this case your Paternal Grandmother), your grandmother is making it easier for you to let go. You don't want to see her suffer. When your relation dies, it's a relief because they're not suffering any more.

 

That's been my experience with most of the people I've lost. I'm sad at their passing, but I'm more relieved that they're at peace. I'm an atheist. I still prayed every night while my grandmother was in hospice that she'd pass on. I love my grandmother with all my heart, but I needed her suffering to end.

 

Specifically to your situation though. You're probably not getting closure on this. She's not going to apologize. She did a terrible thing to you and she's either not sorry, or too stubborn to admit it.

 

She probably isn't lingering for you. She's staying behind for whomever isn't ready to let her go yet. From what you've said, the two of you are likely done. All you can do is express your condolences to the family she left behind that love and accept you for who you are. It'll be OK sweetie. All anyone expects of you is to do what you can.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

I'm up very early for me at 5:30am. Coffee is tasting so good this early!  Much needed this morning too.  I'm heading back into Seattle this morning.  My wife's biopsy consult was done yesterday.  They scheduled her to have Mohs surgery to remove a cancer spot below her left eye.  After we arrived home from the hospital, they called and  said another patient cancelled their surgery and so can move up the surgery date from Jan. 14th to today at 9:30am this morning.  This is good news but it might be a very long day.

 

Susan R?

 

My best to your beloved spouse Susan!

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

I'm up very early for me at 5:30am. Coffee is tasting so good this early!  Much needed this morning too.  I'm heading back into Seattle this morning.  My wife's biopsy consult was done yesterday.  They scheduled her to have Mohs surgery to remove a cancer spot below her left eye.  After we arrived home from the hospital, they called and  said another patient cancelled their surgery and so can move up the surgery date from Jan. 14th to today at 9:30am this morning.  This is good news but it might be a very long day.

 

Susan R?

Good luck to you both.  Sounds like a long day.  

[TommieAnne]

Hi everyone. I've been quiet for a few days, processing things, getting sorted. In addition to coming to grips with my rearrangement in "category status" (gender nonconforming) I am struggling with my faith after watching a long interview with someone speaking for the Catholic Church who basically stated that for people like me (us) God doesn't hate us for being mentally ill!

After having come to terms with the complexity of my faith and believing that I am not a mistake, I understand that at its core the Church does not accept me (us) after all. So I will likely go to a different place for my spiritual guidance (sorry, I know this might even belong in the religious section, but here I am).

It seems many of us are having a bumpy go at it, so I want to offer everyone a hug, support and a smile. Even though it's afternoon I just finished my coffee after shuffling around to get my studio happy.

Plus, danged amazon! I ordered a dehumidifier. At least that's what I searched for. I somehow got a humidifier instead. Which I don't need. Boo. Hiss.

Wishimg everyone a wonderful day! Stay warm?

[Jackie C.]

First off it's 34 here and my fingertips keep wanting to go numb (stupid circulatory syndrome) even though I'm indoors.

 

Secondly, I'm sorry about your humidifier. I just ordered 144 plastic spiders from Amazon, I hope there isn't a similar mix-up. I'm not sure what the opposite of plastic spiders might be. I really, really hope it isn't live ones.

 

Finally, religion is a tricky beast. I mean in the beginning, all the Christians spreading the word were all women. Then the patriarchy got involved when it (Christianity) started to catch on, then history happened and, well, I'm pretty sure we're a long way from where Jesus intended. The Catholic Church is huge, and therefore slow to move. They're also trying to hang on to the immense power they once had as it slowly slips out of their fingers. That's going to be a bad combination and lead to some questionable decisions.

There are welcoming churches out there. I'm not sure they're in the Ozarks, but I know they exist. Oh, maybe an online ministry? I just now learned those exist. I can't speak for quality, but points for the internet for trying.

We're certainly not mistakes. God doesn't make mistakes, right?

I'd be upset about "mentally ill" too. While some of us have our problems... usually from years of repression... I'm pretty sure that my fundamental nature is the most sane thing about me. If I AM insane, then I'm glad it's one of the happy kinds.

 

I'm not really sure where I was going for that, but best of luck finding a church that works for you. We certainly support you here and wish you nothing but success.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

Thanks Jackie C. Yeah, my therapist is going to get an earful. I understand the politics of churches in general and the Church specifically all too well. I thought I had found a pretty good place, but oops, nevermind.

Hopefully the big "A" doesn't send you several dozen spider-killing wasps by mistake!

If you do get those, send me some. Here in the mountains (or hills depending on your view) the spiders come inside for winter. I have spider traps out, plus I'm still scrubbing mold and lemon oiling the patooey out of everything that doesn't protest.

Still don't have my sound hooked up, but hope to do that this afternoon. Things are in place, just have to run wires!

Then I'm going to sit down and draw - for me it's a place where I can create whatever world pleases me, a chance to make things as I see fit.

Mods, please feel free to edit/move/delete anything I've written that goes out of bounds. Sorry, sometimes I just have to blurt stuff out.

[Jani]

I won't get into religious talk other than to say I am always amused when someone tells me what god thinks.  How do they know?

 

Its hard @TammyAnne but let it roll off your back.  You're strong enough.

Jani