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Good morning All. Coffees on.


KymmieL

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Cyndee.  A beautiful place to stroll. I had my middle son and grandson here over the weekend. It was nice. Today off to VA for Speech. then to the dentist this afternoon. Hoping to get some relief from the pain I have been having. Then sometime today I need to put an alternator in my 85 Crown Vic. Temps supposed to be 40s.

 

Coffee is nice and warming. Tastes good. Have a great day everybody.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

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Good morning!

After a week or more of nightmarish Windows fixes, restores, reboots, etc my two workstations are (knock on wood) up and running again. Whew, what an ordeal.

I finished my coffee (Peet's French Roast) and am thinking about jumping in the hot tub. It's a dreary cold day out there.

I've got a group therapy meeting this afternoon, hoping that goes well.

My gender therapist fussed at me for not maintaining connections to support systems. Meaning this forum here. Because in short, I've become more and more isolated as time passes, to the point where I have little contact with other people and virtually no friends.

So I guess I have to start checking in more often. But it would be nice to have some friends who would hug me, look me in the eyes and talk with me now and again.

So I'm a little sad and lonely today. Some days it feels like it's just me alone talking to the walls.

TA

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Morning all I just got off the bus and I sat next to New Kid (The kid I like) and he held my hand again today. He is so adorable and really hyper that he kept stumbling on his words haha. 

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36 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

My gender therapist fussed at me for not maintaining connections to support systems. Meaning this forum here. Because in short, I've become more and more isolated as time passes, to the point where I have little contact with other people and virtually no friends.

So I guess I have to start checking in more often. But it would be nice to have some friends who would hug me, look me in the eyes and talk with me now and again.

So I'm a little sad and lonely today. Some days it feels like it's just me alone talking to the walls.

You are not alone in this.  My GT has said the same things for the same reasons. I have yet to meet anyone that is trans in my area.  The one meeting I tried to attend was just starting and it ended up being just me and my therapist.  So we had some pizza and chatted for 1.5 hours.  Hey free therapy with pizza , whatcha gonna do.  LOL

However I too do not connect with many people even way before I had these struggles.  My guys friends were only during the "Hobby" months.  A couple times in the Fall for hunting, winter for ice fishing and a few times in summer for golf.  We go months sometimes without contact.  Its less now.  So I understand the need for human contact in regards to our transitions.  No girl to girl talks and definitely no hugging.  It wears you down too.  This forum is my only vent to be who I am and just chat as a women and post my help or opinions for the women I am.  Its refreshing but it does not come with hugs.  My marriage is still someplace in the grey area with acceptance but still being viewed as the "husband" not the women I am.  

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41 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

Morning all I just got off the bus and I sat next to New Kid (The kid I like) and he held my hand again today. He is so adorable and really hyper that he kept stumbling on his words haha. 

He probably is nervous too.  Be patient and just be his friend and things will progress.  Hand holding is big though so good on you!

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1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

You are not alone in this.  My GT has said the same things for the same reasons. I have yet to meet anyone that is trans in my area.  The one meeting I tried to attend was just starting and it ended up being just me and my therapist.  So we had some pizza and chatted for 1.5 hours.  Hey free therapy with pizza , whatcha gonna do.  LOL

However I too do not connect with many people even way before I had these struggles.  My guys friends were only during the "Hobby" months.  A couple times in the Fall for hunting, winter for ice fishing and a few times in summer for golf.  We go months sometimes without contact.  Its less now.  So I understand the need for human contact in regards to our transitions.  No girl to girl talks and definitely no hugging.  It wears you down too.  This forum is my only vent to be who I am and just chat as a women and post my help or opinions for the women I am.  Its refreshing but it does not come with hugs.  My marriage is still someplace in the grey area with acceptance but still being viewed as the "husband" not the women I am.  

My isolation also goes back through most of my life.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, but it's not something I wish on anyone.

I really do talk to the walls. I wonder sometimes if I need to be locked up.

TA

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1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

He probably is nervous too.  Be patient and just be his friend and things will progress.  Hand holding is big though so good on you!

She's right.

Holding your hand is a brave step.

Patience is going to get you there!

TA

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2 hours ago, Aidan5 said:

Morning all I just got off the bus and I sat next to New Kid (The kid I like) and he held my hand again today. He is so adorable and really hyper that he kept stumbling on his words haha. 

 

OMG so cute! I'm glad you get to have moments like this. They're truly precious and the sort of thing that makes life worth living. You'll have to let us know if he's a decent kisser. ?

 

2 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

Good morning!

After a week or more of nightmarish Windows fixes, restores, reboots, etc my two workstations are (knock on wood) up and running again. Whew, what an ordeal.

I finished my coffee (Peet's French Roast) and am thinking about jumping in the hot tub. It's a dreary cold day out there.

I've got a group therapy meeting this afternoon, hoping that goes well.

My gender therapist fussed at me for not maintaining connections to support systems. Meaning this forum here. Because in short, I've become more and more isolated as time passes, to the point where I have little contact with other people and virtually no friends.

So I guess I have to start checking in more often. But it would be nice to have some friends who would hug me, look me in the eyes and talk with me now and again.

So I'm a little sad and lonely today. Some days it feels like it's just me alone talking to the walls.

TA

 

I think to some extent this happens to a lot of artists. Maybe not people who perform in groups, but those of us that quietly brew magic in a cave. I make it a point to get out and interact with people every day. I have my gym time and friends I talk to while I'm working out and I have a once-a-week thing with friends. Socializing doesn't happen magically, you've got to go out and connect with people before you go completely feral and forget what words are. Nobody's going to want to be your friend when you get to the point of just licking people and peeing on their shoes to say hello.

 

I know that's hard for introverts. It's harder still when you're trans and worried about people being all judgmental. It's even harder when you remember that you need to wear pants in public (and who made up THAT stupid rule). You still need to do it though. Meetup is a good resource to connect to people with similar interests. We've got a few LGBT+ groups around here. My therapist keeps trying to get me to join her choir. Failing that, you could volunteer at a charity and meet people that way.

 

Besides, you need to go out and live some life so it can inspire your art. ?

 

Hugs!

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36 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

OMG so cute! I'm glad you get to have moments like this. They're truly precious and the sort of thing that makes life worth living. You'll have to let us know if he's a decent kisser. ?

ACK! You sound like my mom!!! Great now my face is red in the middle of class!!

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36 minutes ago, Aidan5 said:

ACK! You sound like my mom!!! Great now my face is red in the middle of class!!

 

I regret nothing!

 

Hugs!

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2 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

My isolation also goes back through most of my life.

@TammyAnne if I recall you spend summers in Maine?  Have you considered consolidating to one area that may serve all your needs?  

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TammyAnn, We need to get together once I get that position in Springfield I am wanting. Same with you Shawna. I do want to travel more. I do want to go to new england. Maybe shoot some golfs as long as I can bring my shotgun.  LOL.

 

You are lucky to even have friends, my only one is my wife. You all know that story. So I may be losing that friend too. My two best friends are in Memphis and New Jersey. Neither one knows of me being trans. Well really now one knows that I am but a select few.

 

I do keep thinking of coming out to my friend in Jersey but am scared to.

 

Kymmie

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40 minutes ago, KymmieL said:

Maybe shoot some golfs as long as I can bring my shotgun.  LOL.

I've got one you can borrow. Its a new Benelli Ventri 12 ga.  Very smooth.

I prefer my Big Bertha LD 5* custom driver and Callaway clubs though.  LOL

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7 hours ago, Jani said:

@TammyAnne if I recall you spend summers in Maine?  Have you considered consolidating to one area that may serve all your needs?  

It's a thought.

But I'd really have to relocate to Maine.

Although the West coast is also appealing. I spent 3 years in San Francisco.

TA

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5 hours ago, KymmieL said:

TammyAnn, We need to get together once I get that position in Springfield I am wanting. Same with you Shawna. I do want to travel more. I do want to go to new england. Maybe shoot some golfs as long as I can bring my shotgun.  LOL.

 

You are lucky to even have friends, my only one is my wife. You all know that story. So I may be losing that friend too. My two best friends are in Memphis and New Jersey. Neither one knows of me being trans. Well really now one knows that I am but a select few.

 

I do keep thinking of coming out to my friend in Jersey but am scared to.

 

Kymmie

I'd like that.

And could use an adventure for a change.

 

Jackie, that's funny about the pants, since I tend to spend much of my studio time in a t-shirt and panties.

 

TA

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Grumble grumble grumble ?. My vacations over and I now have to return to the evil j-word. ? At least I got my coffee, so maybe I will survive the day. More snow in the forecast for the next couple of days but not a whole lot. Hope everyone has a wonderful day 

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Hi everyone 

 

I’ve had my coffee, a Seattle’s Best dark roast.

 

i have never had an easy time making friends.  Whether it was my school years or as an adult.  I never seemed to have more than one male friend and never did things with any of them.  I have never been a sports person and any hobbies I had were things I did alone or with family.  I never knew why until recently.  Some things I did I felt I shouldn’t be doing but I couldn’t help myself.

 

i also suffered from depression but wouldn’t admit it or seek help.  Things finally got so bad I had no choice.  
 

now I understand my life and it’s clear to me what my “problem “ was.  I am getting help.  First from a counselor and now a psychiatrist.  My GP has been very helpful.  And I have an endocrinologist who has me on hrt.  
 

my biggest regret is that I didn’t know or understand about transgender when I was younger because I missed the chance to be the girls that I envy.

 

I do have a friend that will soon have bottom surgery and she introduced me to a support group I like but can’t get to every month as it’s over 2 hours away.

 

Hope you all have a great day.

 

Willow

 

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1 hour ago, Willow said:

my biggest regret is that I didn’t know or understand about transgender when I was younger because I missed the chance to be the girls that I envy.

Same!  I lament the loss of all those potential girly years.  But we did what we did within the best of our knowledge and abilities.

I'm happy to be on my journey and feeling better every day.

 

Well today was a great day for a nice long commute and hot coffee.  No poor weather so the drive was nice and quick.  If 1.5 hours can be viewed as quick but it wasn't white knuckle driving like most mornings have been.  

I hope everyone has a safe and great day!

 

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1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Same!  I lament the loss of all those potential girly years.  But we did what we did within the best of our knowledge and abilities.

I'm happy to be on my journey and feeling better every day.

 

Well today was a great day for a nice long commute and hot coffee.  No poor weather so the drive was nice and quick.  If 1.5 hours can be viewed as quick but it wasn't white knuckle driving like most mornings have been.  

I hope everyone has a safe and great day!

 

Me too!

I had repressed all of that to the extent that I didn't understand myself or my feelings. I wish I could have had the opportunity to get onto this path pre-puberty. It would have made a huge difference in my life.

But if wishes were fishes...

All we've got to work with is now. I will make the best of it and try to steer a path that works for me.

TA

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Today was coming out more today and it was time.When I was 15,I questioned myself if I was really a woman from the inside and knew the answer was yes.So far good at work and even with my wife Nikki.My mom and 3 younger sisters,did take it good.I knew I wanted to go farther sometime later in my life.Did start seeing a therapist last month and decided to do this transition with no hormones,surgically.Even went to my first consultation today having a body contouring surgery,ffs and breast augmentation.Good news it's going to happen on March 2nd changing my life around in a good way.Nikki is going to be there for support,has always said she has liked me as Adrianna more.I turn 41 next month and want to see family and friends see me as male before I become Adrianna for good. 

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Mmmm. Coffee this morning on a cold morning.

AdriannaB congratulations on the scheduled surgery. Sounds like you're getting all set!

I'm going to go disappear into the studio sometime this weekend, hoping to get some work done. But I'll have to bundle up! It's too cold for just t-shirt and panties.

TA

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Im having one of those moody days again.  I seem to be experiencing the ups and downs a lot more lately with no cause to feel either way really.  I try to tell myself its the HRT but I realize I still have unresolved issues too.  Good thing for therapy.

My day is going well and I plan to go get my hair cut back to my male style after work.  It makes me sad I need to do this but it will be better for a wig that I just ordered.

Plus my wife will stop bugging me to do something with my shabby hair.  LOL

 

I hope everyone else has a great day!

 

 

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Well, I started to experience hot flashes yesterday. That should be fun for the next three weeks. Mood is still pretty stable despite the lack of my HRT. So far I still feel like myself and there's only been one person I nearly mauled to death. You were absolutely right @ShawnaLeigh, the "unit" woke back up towards the middle of the second week. That's given me dysphoric moments in the dead of night or early morning. It's just a good thing I didn't get rid of my gaff panties. Otherwise I'd be mortified to go to the gym. I'm also retaining every ounce of fluid I drink.

I'm dressing in easily removable layers just in case. It's cold as heck here so I've been wearing a tank top under a light sweater under a sweatshirt. I can strip out of that easily enough until the moment passes. I mentioned it to some girl friends and they just laughed at me. I probably deserved it.

 

I got to work out with Rey all morning today. I learned a lot and there's a lot more to absorb, but I'm a little closer to reaching my fitness goals. I'd say I was going to be sore tomorrow, but I'm sore NOW. I can't skip tomorrow though, we're learning about arms.

 

I've discovered caffeine-free tea. That was something I never thought I'd enjoy. I never liked the stuff before, but my body keeps reminding me that my taste buds and sense of smell are more sensitive now. There are things that I used to enjoy that I can't really eat anymore and more subtle flavors that I'm starting to really enjoy. Fortunately, I'll try just about anything you put in front of me if it smells edible and I like to try new recipes. Susan doesn't especially like when I make fancy food, but she's willing to tolerate my hobbies much the same way as I try not to mock her when she's watching reality TV. Although "Say Yes to the Dress" is fun as a team sport. Susan and I will spend the whole episode second-guessing the bride. I can't imagine watching it alone though.

 

Planning to get in a writing day today. I'll have TransPulse up in another window so I can keep doing mod stuff, but it's time I got serious about wrapping this project up.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

You were absolutely right @ShawnaLeigh, the "unit" woke back up towards the middle of the second week. That's given me dysphoric moments in the dead of night or early morning. It's just a good thing I didn't get rid of my gaff panties. Otherwise I'd be mortified to go to the gym.

Yes I told you it would happen.  It was not a welcome thing for me either.  Quite the opposite. 

I will pray for you to you know who.  

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38 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I will pray for you to you know who.

 

My surgeon? I've got just a hair over one more week. Well, a shade under two... Eh, eleven days.

 

Hugs!

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      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
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