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4 hours ago, Alexx21 said:

Good Morning / afternoon / evening  everyone i hope you are all well and good 

i just looking around the forum and saw this  thread  that i caught my eye  and i though id  say hi to everyone and see how you are all doing  ?

i havent been around very much of late  and i would like to  be around the forum more than what i have been

i hope where ever you all are that you are safe and good 



Hi Alexx! I look forward to seeing you around more often :)

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4 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Acknowledging how much the pandemic has changed my habits.  The stores here in NJ are open once again, and still, I haven't been shopping.  Before the lockdown one of my fondest activities to shop, yet now, it seems to have lost some that previous luster.  The upside is that my my Macy's charge card has a zero balance, something else that is quite unusual for me.


I'm thinking a little shopping trip for me is well overdue!


I've left the house roughly 3 times since March, once for an annual doctor's appt, once for a Covid test prior to surgery (btw the Covid nasal test completely sucks), and once for the surgery. My fiance has respiratory issues, so we are considering her as high risk and have been in a more extreme lockdown.

I don't even remember what shopping offline is like at this point!

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For some reasons, I woke up feeling very depressed. I had an awful dream/nightmare. I took an Ambien at 3 in the morning as I could not sleep any longer.


I woke up at 10 in the morning and I was feeling as I said before unhappy. Went to prepare me a cup of tea and back to me room as I am avoiding in this house that devil in desguise.

I now went to visit BA website for a flight to Heathrow, well if you guessed, it is canceled again and that upseted me even more.


I am listenning to some clubbing music in case my mood may changes.


I meanwhile I am here with you all reading and learning your news

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Been a bad day,tools I ordered last week have not come in yet and not too happy with UPS.My customers understand this is happening not mad at me for it,not my fault.

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Hey, everyone. Work has been going OK. The dealership in Portland is closed Mondays so I wasn't expecting anything. I hope that they get a hold of me tomorrow, if nothing else just to tell me. We don't want you, get lost.


Actually got Ma'am ed again today. a couple younger ladies. It felt good. I so need to be myself it isn't funny. however I am biding my time.


Take care everyone.




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@KymmieL - congrats on the on hearing the magic word, feels good ! and good luck with the dealership in Portlandia.


Today it's overcast here, expecting a little rain, woke up with a little bit of a head ache, the coffee however took that out, feel better now after a few cups. I'm back at work now, but have a few minutes between tasks to post online here.


Hope everyone's day is going well



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                  A Story of a life not lived


When I was a little boy I stumbled upon this strange playground. It
was desolate but for one small girl, who was sitting in a swing with
her head held down. She had such a sad disposition. I had never met
her before but somehow I knew her. I walked over to her and sat in
the swing next to hers. I asked, "What is your name?" "Natilie,"
she replied in a quiet and solemn voice, not even lifting her head to
look at me. I inquired, "What are you doing here all alone?" With
the same monotone whisper, she answered, "Waiting . . . ." "Waiting
for what?" I said. "To come out and play," she murmured. Just then,
I heard my mother calling me. "I have to go, my mother is calling me
home," I explained. With those words I left her sitting there.

I did not think about Natilie for some time and had almost forgot
about her as the years rolled by and I got busy with my friends and
with grade school. Then, one day I remembered the playground and I
went back there, in some ways hoping she was not there and in other
ways that she was. As I approached the location of our first
encounter, I saw the same figure parked in the same swing with the
same saddened countenance, but she was not a little girl anymore.
She had grown up somewhat. I was almost afraid to approach her but
something drew me to sit next to her. "It's me again," I blurted. I
was not sure what she would say. "Would she be angry," I wondered,
seeing that I had stayed away so long. "Would she be happy to see
me," I asked myself. She lifted her head up and looked into my eyes
and with a clearer voice she asked, "Is it time? Is it time to come
out and play?" Before I even had a chance to contemplate her words,
I found my mouth surprisingly uttering the words, "No." "I have
friends and school and my parents expect things of me," I explained--
"You just can't." I left in a hurry, hoping by some means that I
would not see her again.

Time passed. I was full of youthful energy and vision, given over to
the prescribed role ordained for me, coerced into believing that this
path would bring me happiness in life. Junior high, high school,
college, a great job, a wife, a house, and then a son. Natilie
seemed but a distant memory, though  I did on rare occasion walk by
that desolate playground, but never went in. Then it happened on
one quiet evening while I was rocking my newborn son to sleep. I
heard this quiet sob. It was Natilie but how and why now?

Another year passed. I only heard that soft cry a few other times,
and I continued to ignore it. But, during one of my evening strolls
I happened upon that desolate
 playground without intent. "Huh?" I
muttered to myself. "How did I get here?" That soft sob had now
became a much louder cry. Out of human compassion, I sought out
Natilie in the dim light and found her in that same swing. Her head
was still facing the ground with tears rolling off of her cheeks.
She was no longer a girl but had become a full grown woman. "Why are
you crying?" I asked her with concern. She had not responded
promptly nor did it seem that she even acknowledged my presence.
Before I had a chance to repeat my question, she looked up at me and
her expression turned into anger. "How long?!" she barked. I was
taken back by her sudden shift in disposition and nearly fell off my
swing. "Why are you so angry with me?" I snapped back, not minding
her words. She continued. "How long will keep stealing my
life? " "Your life?" I remarked with protest, "This is my life." I
was not too happy about the tone of this encounter and got up from my
swing to leave in a huff. But, before I had a chance to stand on my
feet, she said in a very solemn tone of voice, "Before you leave me
here again, let me ask you one last question . . Are you happy?"
With that she turned her face toward the ground, blocking me out of

"Happy?" I could not stop thinking about this simple question. "No,
I have not been happy." I thought that I was happy. I should be
happy. After all, I have everything that anyone would want in life --
an education, a great job, family and friends, a wife, a house, and
now a newborn son. I should be on the top of the world, but alas I
still felt empty inside.

I could not stop thinking about Natilie, seeing her in the corner of
my eye, in the dim reflection of a store window, and hearing her
quiet sob in the distance. I became obsessed with Natilie. All the
years of avoiding her, trying to forgot about her, rationalizing her
existence, pushing her away, and for what? I could no longer fight
her. She had a right to live the life that was taken from her. I
knew what I had to do if I ever wanted to be happy.

I had a calm in my heart that night on the evening that I eagerly
sought out the desolate playground, where Natilie sat for so many
years on that same swing. But, as I approached the dimly lit area
where her swing usually hung, she was not there. "Am I too late?" I
thought in a panic. Just then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning
around with a sudden jolt, I was greeted by a standing figure. It
was Natilie and she had a smile on her face. "Is it time?" she
asked. "Is it time for me to `come out and play'?" Looking into her
eyes, I responded with a smile on my face and in a gentle
voice, "Yes, it's time."



This is the story of my life.  This may not be the best Forum but its where my friends are.  I wrote this for all of us.



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Emily michelle

Wow Willow that story is so true I had tears welling up thank you for sharing that!

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1 hour ago, Willow said:

This is the story of my life.  This may not be the best Forum but its where my friends are.  I wrote this for all of us.

WOW!  This is so beautiful and heart wrenching.  Thank you Willow, it really speaks to me.

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Tori M

{teary-eyed} BEAUTIFUL, Willow, just beautiful.  Thanks for sharing!

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@Willow thank you for that beautiful story. 

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Oh, my!  Willow, you should have put a trigger warning on that story.  I need a tissue now.  Beautiful!

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Patti Anne
3 hours ago, Willow said:

I wrote this for all of us.

Thank you Willow The story tells the tales of nearly everyone on the forum. My heart breaks for all the little girls who never get to come out and play.💔

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@Willow, I am expressing my pensive sadness with what you wrote, my compliments to you dear!

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Thank you Willow. It’s sad but very true. I love it. 💕

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Thank you everyone.    It is the story of all of us who knew something was different from an early age but didn't understand.  It took me way to long to admit what I should have known all along.  


Have a great day.






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I have that story copied, on my hard drive.. Every time I read it I wind up bawling my brains out. Even before I got a 1/3 of the way through. It is my life in a nutshell. Thinking about I often wonder why I never realized who I actually am. The denial, the feminine mannerisms, it all tells me one thing I am a girl.


Being that story is like my life, maybe When I finally leave I will let my wife read it to learn about me.


Thanks for posting it up, Willow.



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Have a new customer now,one place I stop at is a lawnmower and small engine repair shop.The owner's 18 year old son and I got together on a tool cart and tool sale deal for him two weeks ago.I listened to him,gave me a list he was looking for and amazed.He was there,shown him a nice tool cart and the tools he wanted.Had the money saved and said deal.The owner knows I work with the customer.This customer is hard working making the right choices in life..Said he is going to buy from me,I treated him right and saw my service is great.He even said a couple friends of his will be there next week to see me,told him they are welcomed to buy from me

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Thank you for sharing that, @Willow.  I didn't cry reading it, but there must have been some dust in the room, or the fan was making my eyes sting... Anyway, that really struck me to the core, and I am glad to have read it.


My coffee time is long over, but I still have a long night ahead. Prepping the house for sale and packing to move and caring for two children is really taking a toll on me, but there's nothing to be done. The work has to be done, and the only time to do it is during what used to be my free time.

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20 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Oh, my!  Willow, you should have put a trigger warning on that story.  I need a tissue now.  Beautiful!


I briefly scanned a journal article while waiting for an old acquaintance, sometime late last year (sorry, I can't remember the journal title, but it was in the area of social psych), that indicated that the whole notion of so-called "trigger-warnings" was inherently unhealthy, tending to enable avoidant-behaviours & a few other undesirable traits. 


I'm kinda inclined to agree.

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4 hours ago, Suzanne1 said:


I'm kinda inclined to agree.


Me too, TBH.  I was being a little bit facetious.

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 Hei KL

I agree. Trigger warnings are in effect an alarm to hide. I have PTSD. Wartime trauma and MST. I get flooded with trigger warnings all the time. Don't sit in the open, have the wall to your back. Crowds are dangerous, stay home. And etc. But trigger warnings can also remind us that most of the danger, most of the expected circumstances are mental manifestations of what could be and not what will be, not all trigger warnings are baseless, there are some trigger warnings that are legitimate and those we should pay attention to, like don't walk alone at night in sketchy neighborhoods if you are female,  cis or trans. I think that if we are aware that trigger warnings are just that, warnings, prudence and logic will dictate the response.



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Willow, This story really hits home with me! When I was young I never played with the boy’s but didn’t feel comfortable around the girls so I would always stay at the sand box by myself. 

Boys made fun of me because I was no good at sports and I’ve always been skinny all my life. I was called chicken legs and girl legs. Now it is to my advantage but back then those names hurt me. 

I was always so emotional and no one understood me not even my family. I was told I was “The problem child” I think I was misunderstood. 

Where I can relate is I would always look for friends to play with but no one wanted to play with me. I thought there was something wrong with me. 

Now. After 13 year marriage and a hard life I see who I really am. The only thing different is the sand box not swing. Interesting my trans daughter is always at her park at the swing. He has had a terrible time with this divorce. I tell him I love him. I will always be there for my kids In whatever form they need. I value that I can be a mother and a father to them. My son who is 13 called me mom once by accident. I loved it! 

The question is am I still at the sandbox? My company knows Tessa. My kids know Tessa. Some friends know Tessa. Mom knows Tessa but not rest of family. Does the world know Tessa? My counselor told me Tessa is me regardless how I present. 

I just wish I was born a girl. 


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Hi @Tessa I wrote this a while back and didnt share it with anyone, it just sat on my harddisk for me. I would read it every once in a while.  It's not my whole story but its certainly the general idea.


Like you I mostly played alone.  I was referred to as tinker toy boy.  never strong, stunk at sports, no one wanted me on their team.  I tried to be a boy but that rarely worked.  Like the story says, I dated girls, joined the Air Force, got married, had kids but my secret park kept coming back.  


I've been married 48 years  Willow is here to stay, my wife isn't leaving so I am fortunate.  Willow is slowly increasing the number of people who know her.  I'd like to just do it but I finally have friends and I know that very few understand or approve the LGBT community so eventually I will have to choose friends or my needs.  Guess who is going to win?  We are all inherently loners until we find others like us.


I never expected, though I had hoped, so many would relate to my little story.




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Hi KathyLauren, Suzanne and Erikka and everyone else.


I have to admit I have never heard of a trigger warning.  I served in the Air Force during Vietnam.  I was even in South East Asia or IndoChina as was the official name.  But I was never in a combat situation.  The idea of warning anyone that this could be emotional never occurred to me, it was just a short version of how I was.  I would secretly seek out Nattlie (whom I have renamed Willow now that we are one) a lot more frequently than my story suggests, but then something would come up and I would leave her alone in my dark and lonely park.  I had no idea that so many others shared a similar story.


Love you all.  You are my friends forever.






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      We'll have to work on that.  In the meantime, click on the Transpulse link at the left side in the green bar.  Look for Resources and there they are.     Jani 
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