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KymmieL

Good morning All. Coffees on.

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Debra Michelle

Visited my dad in the nursing home,he is doing well there and much happier there.I am surprised the care he is getting which is going well.Brought him Reese's peanut butter cups,his favorite candy and he was happy I got them for him

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lauraincolumbia
40 minutes ago, Debra Michelle said:

Visited my dad in the nursing home,he is doing well there and much happier there.I am surprised the care he is getting which is going well.Brought him Reese's peanut butter cups,his favorite candy and he was happy I got them for him

Who doesn't love Reeses Peanut Butter cups???

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Debra Michelle
40 minutes ago, lauraincolumbia said:

Who doesn't love Reeses Peanut Butter cups???

The nurse whom was checking on him saw when I pulled the bag out,asked me how did I know he likes them.I knew as a kid,he would buy one everytime

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TammyAnne
43 minutes ago, Debra Michelle said:

Visited my dad in the nursing home,he is doing well there and much happier there.I am surprised the care he is getting which is going well.Brought him Reese's peanut butter cups,his favorite candy and he was happy I got them for him

That's great news. I have a friend of the family who requires care 24 hours a day because he wanders off and gets lost, but he still remembers me somehow!

Those little spots of light are all that's left shingles in the darkness.

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lauraincolumbia
39 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

That's great news. I have a friend of the family who requires care 24 hours a day because he wanders off and gets lost, but he still remembers me somehow!

Those little spots of light are all that's left shingles in the darkness.

That is great that he still remembers you!  Its a shame when someone doesn't remember anyone anymore.  A friend's grandmother got so bad, that she didn't remember anyone more than a few minutes later

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TammyAnne
40 minutes ago, TammyAnne said:

That's great news. I have a friend of the family who requires care 24 hours a day because he wanders off and gets lost, but he still remembers me somehow!

Those little spots of light are all that's left shingles in the darkness.

Shining. Stupid autocorrect.

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ShawnaLeigh
12 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Shawna,  That should be coffee AND marshmallows

That’s what I meant.  We do it that way camping and at home.  

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TammyAnne

Second cup almost done. Bright sunshine outside, could hear birds singing, beautiful morning... then the ghastly truck came roaring thru town.

Someone lives in a very different world.

I have managed to get the music hooked up, so I can muffle most background noise with something more pleasant. Still have work to do in the painting studio, insulate the drafty attic windows, etc.

All in all, life is pretty darned wonderful, even if I do have bouts of being down.

I wish everyone a happy wonderful day!

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Josie Beth

I’m just eating a breakfast of potatoes, chicken sausage and eggs. Just scrambled together. I have a very busy day ahead. Most of it’s going to be walking or waiting. I tried to pile too much on Saturday and didn’t get everything done.

 

I wish I could pace myself better but I’m just overwhelmed. I can’t be everywhere at once but almost need to be. So I had to accept that on Saturday night I couldn’t ignore my stomach anymore and had to get back home leaving a lot of things unfinished. 

 

Sunday I was just trying to rest because it’s been hard to stay asleep through the night. Noises or other things keep waking me up just as I get comfortable and think “finally I’m going to sleep”, but nope, I’m jerked awake again.

 

So, finally after a short nap I got up and realized it was Sunday and I had been meaning to attend group for over a month. So I brushed away the excuses and wandered about a mile until I arrived a little late.

 

 I’m not going to say it was a total waste, because I really needed to see something positive, and I needed it to be trans people having fun and socializing. But once again I didn’t feel totally welcome. And I’m pretty sure that they called a couple of people up there to get behind me just in case they had to force me out. And I’ve never felt that way before.

 

So I’m pretty sure that after I stopped going to group something happened and they are reacting to anyone that they perceive as new, even though I’m not really new.

 

I showed up for 4 groups last year so it’s not my fault that they didn’t show up. And I’m really getting tired of being lumped in with anyone else deemed as an outcast. Enough is enough.

 

So here I am this morning thinking what’s the point? I mean I have to go take this urinalysis, then maybe I’ll get another assignment. I still have to do that video interview today, but it almost seems to good to be true, and I really don’t want to waste 3 hours of walking just to ensure it uploads correctly.

 

I still need to get rid of some things and make some money but I know I’m going to take a huge loss. It doesn’t really matter though because the selling apps are getting low ball numbers anyway. So why not just take everything to pawn shops and be done with it?

 

But there again, I have to walk miles away just to discover that I possibly can’t sell something? It’s quickly becoming an exercise in futility. I’m expending a lot of time and energy and not really getting many positive results.

 

And I really needed that positive experience with group last night. And it most certainly wasn’t. 

 

People I’ve talked to about it try to put a positive spin on it but I detect subtle things that many overlook. The presence of two people sitting right behind me in the most inconvenient seats in the building, blocking traffic from the front door to the kitchen. That’s not a coincidence. The more I interacted, the more I was ignored or passed over. And the subtle comments about the people who were present being mostly ok, and then for emphasis I was looked at oddly and “mostly” was repeated. 

 

Sure I did get a number, but I’m afraid to text anyone because this is the second time I have been shunned and I’m really tired of going home just to cry alone. I almost broke down at group. I’m trying not to now because I have to get up and do something today. 

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KymmieL

Josie, I have felt that way most of my life. Left out of everything. never let be part of the group. Even at my job. I feel that way.

 

I was once an support member of a military motorcycle association. I couldn't be a full member since I never was in combat.  While it wasn't too bad with my local group. Me and my wife attended the national meeting in Colorado Springs. While there barely anyone talked to us, but the members of my own group. Ignored for the most part.  On Saturday was the big national meeting. about a 1/3 the way trough the support members had to leave. We couldn't attend the whole meeting. That was one of the straws. Shortly after I began getting asked about my sponsor. Saying that I needed a continual sponsor to stay in the association. That was after 3 years of membership. So as a support member i needed a babysitter.

 

So yeah I know about being left out. But oh well I have my friends here.

 

Kymmie

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Jackie C.

Hey @Josie Beth! Group was always a disaster for me too. I just don't do well in large groups (and by large, I mean more than five or six). I think people pick up on that. I can be charming as all get out one on one, but put me in a group of relative strangers like that and I get all quiet and nervous. Then they kind of ignore me because I don't assert myself very well. You and I have similar personality types, so it could very well be something like that they're reacting to.

 

For me, a small group of friends who accepts me is all I really need but I've heard you say that you're on your own out there. I really wish there was something I could do to make your burden a little lighter. I've been to your home state all of once. I used to have an aunt there. When I was eight, my grandparents and I visited her for a week in St. Louis. That is literally all the insight on Missouri that I have. I remember that the zoo was nice and my grandfather and I working the guns on whatever decommissioned navy vessel that was in the river to "shoot down" the guy giving helicopter rides. It's a good memory, but useless. Oh, I also remember it was hot and very, very buggy in the summer. Still useless.

 

Have you tried meetup or something similar? I don't know what sort of hobbies you're into but I've met some good people doing that. (In public places with witnesses. It's as safe as it can be without locking myself in a box for the rest of my life.) Depending on what you're doing it can be a very cheap evening out with (eventually) friends. My semi-local (I'm about 20 minutes by car from the two trans communities in my area) trans-friendly resource center does movie nights and events as well (also a cheap night and could help you make friends there).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could help ease your burden, but I'm a long way away. Friends closer to home would probably help your mood. Until you find some people to be social with, we're here for you as much as we can be.

 

Hugs!

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Josie Beth

I’m just losing the will to live. Even my family is mostly absent or just doesn’t always show up. I’m not even sure why this is all happening. I don’t use drugs, I don’t drink, I quit smoking completely, and in spite of the things that I’ve done to try and become more stable I still end up in this position. I mean I might as well get high and run around on the street for all the good it’s done me to be responsible and on time to work.

 

I’m supposed to do things today but I’m just not motivated. 

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Jackie C.

You could watch the new Vivziepop video on YouTube. (Helluva Boss - NSFW) It got ME motivated... but I'm a little off. Not being motivated now and then is OK. It sounds like you've been having it pretty rough lately. Do what you need to, then pamper yourself a little. That can just be Netflix (or whatever) and a good cry if you need it... Really, I worry about people who are always happy and upbeat when life is kicking them in the teeth. That's just not right... The trick is to take the time you need, feel what you need to feel, then get back to your life. So small things that make you happy. Wash the dishes (that's probably just me), pet a cat, write terrible poetry and never show it to anyone (probably me again), listen to an artist you like, whatever but do some little things that bring you some joy. The stress monster is getting to you. It's OK that you're stressed, you've got a lot to be stressed about. It's not healthy to let the stress monster run your life though.

 

Someone get this woman backrubs and cuddles! Stat!

 

Hugs! I really hope things improve for you @Josie Beth. You deserve good things.

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Aidan5

Good morning all! I got out of gym a little bit ago but it made me so happy today. We played floor hockey and they set me as front center and I scored a few. Everyone cheered me on. A guy who doesn't know I am trans came up to me and put an arm around my shoulder and said "AJ is one of the boys, they can keep up with the guys!" As cheesey as it was, it really made me feel good about myself. I really love sports when I can play them haha. Today is looking up, I hope the same goes to whoever reads this :)

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Jackie C.

Fantastic! I've got a racerback shirt I wear to the gym that has my pronouns on it. It avoids confusion. Might be a little "in your face" for you though. I can NOT find the link right now. I'm seeing that there seem to be more options for He/Him/His than there were for She/Her/Hers... typical male privilege. 😋

 

Did find this though. Not relevant to your situation, but... It. Must. Be. Mine.

 

The point being if you want to shout it out a little at the gym there are options. Glad you're having a good day. Wishing you many more to come.

 

Hugs!

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Mia88

Hey Josie Beth please hang in there! You have been doing everything right! Sometimes life throws us nasty curve balls but we always have to believe in ourselves and keep trying. Being homeless myself many years ago, I realized that if I keep trying instead of giving up on myself or giving into "them", I learned that I had to keep trying to do the things that was "right" for me. I had lived in St Louis for almost 20 years (the wonderful show me state),and I feel for your situation, and I hope you can get through these hard times and have success in all of your current and future endeavors. BTW , I turned out alright.

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SaraAW

@Aidan5 That sounds like a great gym experience, hopefully one of a lifetime more to come. 
 

@Jackie C. OMG I love that shirt. I may pick it up in a hoodie. 

@Josie Beth I hope things turn around soon for you. Life sometimes is really hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Like Jackie has said, try to find some things you can do for you, even little acts of self love can go along way in helping to get through the rough patches. For me, some music and a good book allow me to escape to a different place without me and my issues and regroup mentally. 

 

I’m a little under the weather after having a great weekend. Got to spend time with friends I haven’t seen in quite some time. Think I picked up something from one of the many cute kiddies that were around. Had a spearmint tea to help settle things down a bit.
 

Hope everyone has a great day. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

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Josie Beth

I don’t really know what to do. Nothing really gives me any satisfaction. I can watch funny videos but then the reality of life brings me back down. On a day like today, after being out of work with no safety net for almost 3 weeks, I only have one thing that is right in front of me and that’s the impending doom of not paying rent on time. I even took a one way video interview but I looked frazzled. I have dark circles under my eyes. But I had to get it done. They put a time limit on those. 

 

I went down to the nearest temp agency, the good one that usually is reliable, and I think that they are giving me the runaround. Friday I was asked to go back in on Monday and do my urinalysis again but I went back and I was told that I didn’t need to do one unless I get assigned. So I waited for no reason.

 

I think that they could see that I was frustrated and just defeated because they tried to reassure me but I didn’t really get the sense that it was actually sincere. I was told that they had two openings on Friday and then they gave one away right in front of me to the person in line behind me. And then the other one was already gone. So it’s pretty obvious.

 

I used to have people that wanted to hang out with me while I was busy at work but now that I’m not working anymore they disappeared. It’s a heck of a time to have fair weather friends. 

 

I’m thinking about going down to the pawn shop with some stuff but I can’t take much in my small backpack. Maybe one or two things. And I’m probably going to try giving plasma because it totally slipped my mind, but I backed out years ago so I’m not sure if it’s going to bear fruit. Why I didn’t think about it weeks ago I don’t know. I could have probably done that several times already and had plenty of money on hand to pay another week of rent and hang on until an application got me a job but now that’s pretty shaky. I feel like things are moving so fast that I can’t keep up. 

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Josie Beth

Well they would not take my items. So I’m probably going to go donate plasma tomorrow. And I’m kicking myself for not thinking of it two weeks ago. I could have been paid already for 4 days of donations and be working on 2 more days. This is really inhibiting my ability to think clearly. I’m all over the place trying the wrong things.

 

I also returned some baking pans for a $10 gift card. They are supposed to pay cash for up to $25 but they didn’t so I just decided to get a couple food items instead. Then at checkout I noticed something in the bag that a previous customer forgot. It was another gift card. I’m so desperate that I even thought a new gift card left in the Walmart shopping bag might have money on it and they forgot to take it home, but when I checked it was empty. I feel like I’m cursed or something. It’s hard to believe otherwise when I can’t even get lucky like that. 

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NB Adult  (Inactive)

My heart goes out to you Josie and though I have sent you some money, my "sucker alarm" went off and told me that I'm not helping and am only prolonging your agony. Bottom line is that you have to do whatever it takes to get sufficiently gainful employment, if that means getting on a greybound and going to the big city, then do it. We can all  commiserate with you here but that's not going to put food on your table or pay your bills, you need to get proactive and get moving for your own sake sweetheart.

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Josie Beth

Thanks @NB Adult. I’m actually doing that as much as possible. I’m not always as clear headed about what to do so I just need to vent. Sometimes saying it so other people can read/hear it is helpful. Sometimes it’s a negative spiral. I’m just upset with myself for not thinking of some things faster, and often confused with multiple choices. I don’t want to drag anyone down, I’m just looking for solutions, maybe a direction that I hadn’t thought about. 

 

And maybe I’ll actually find one. It’s really do or die now. What I was trying before, hanging on to jobs that are totally wrong for me, scraping to survive, doesn’t work anymore. So the wind is changing. 

 

I also feel like I’m just prolonging the inevitable. So it’s time to try something new. That’s why I’m not around here as much as I used to be. I know it seems like I live here and just complain but the rest of the day I’m doing everything I can think of. 

 

You’re 100% right it’s going to take everything I can find inside to get up and push forward. But we all fall down and feel like giving up. 

 

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ShawnaLeigh
7 hours ago, Josie Beth said:

You’re 100% right it’s going to take everything I can find inside to get up and push forward. But we all fall down and feel like giving up.

I have needed to do this 3 huge times in my life going through very hard divorces and loss of children, child support,  etc.  Literally building a life with someone then have it all ripped away.  Everything but the clothing on my back and my vehicle.  Three times.   I am looking at a forth now with me coming out.  Although I do not plan to lose everything this time I will be losing my home and security my fur babies too.  After losing so many times I know how it feels to want to give up.  Not try.  When yo do it gets thrown in your face.  Life is cruel and hard and unfair.  Especially for us trans folks.  

Life can be happy and beautiful and kind too so I always have hope.

So I feel for you in your situation Jose Beth.

 

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ShawnaLeigh

Happy Thanksgiving to all my TransPulse family. I hope you have a great day.  
im going to have a hard time today being my first holiday after my surgery.  
I can only eat 6-8oz at a sitting.  Not good during a massive turkey dinner.  The struggle is real.  
lol

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TammyAnne
2 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Happy Thanksgiving to all my TransPulse family. I hope you have a great day.  
im going to have a hard time today being my first holiday after my surgery.  
I can only eat 6-8oz at a sitting.  Not good during a massive turkey dinner.  The struggle is real.  
lol

Happy Thanksgiving to all our TransPulse family from me too.

ShawnaLeigh, since having part of my stomach removed this summer, I share the small portion problem. Be sure to leave room for pie!

A great big, long (not a squeeze and pat on the back, but a real solid embrace) hug to everyone!

TA

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