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mimi.

Hi, I am Mimi, and I do not know what I am supposed to say or do. My daughter is 25 and is transitioning. She has started all legal procedures ,and looking for her own place. When she told me I was a little confused, I knew she was gay, but did not know how far . I guess it was hard for me to accept her telling me, but I told her it will take some time for me to adjust, but no matter what, I love her and will never stop. I told her I will support her decision as well.  Somehow I have disappointed her because I have not asked her anything about it. Maybe I am afraid to or I just don't know what is safe to ask. She has a short fuse with me ,always has. She has decided to walk away from her dad because he refuses to acknowledge her decision.  She says she can not even say I love you to him  because of his attitude. She says it will be difficult to do the same with me but, if I don't start asking question or showing support she will do the same to me.  I let her stay here now for nothing, she works, come and goes , and when she needs me to do something I am always there to do it. I am married to someone other than her dad, and she hates him. I tell him nothing, I carry  this on my own He isthe type that would say something  and hurt her, I know. He has changed over the years but I am still married to him. I do not want to lose her or her love. what am I doing wrong, what am I supposed to say? There is also my other child, who I have not heard from in over 5 years, who has transitioned and never even let me know. I have no idea where she (now) is living, is she ok, I want her to know I love her. I feel I have done something wrong  . What have i done?

 

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Jani

Hello Mimi and welcome.  I'm also from NH.  I understand your daughter's need to not interact with her father or step father.  I would try to be open and loving to her and let her know you support her in whatever she choses.  It is her life.  She should look at it as a long journey that is full of ups and downs, as you well know.  She may not be seeing that now.   You can ask she how she is doing and if there is anything you can do to help.  Does she need assistance in shopping for clothing?   Is she getting ay therapy?  What are her long term plans?    Please join in the conversation.  We're here to assist.  Jani 

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Kati

Mimi, my heart goes out to you.  You are confronting a right mess.  Your anguish is palpable.  I wish I could suggest a way forward but it seems like you have done about all that one could do.  

 

It would be of great value to your daughter to have the guidance of a professional counselor to offer an independent voice in this process.  I could be wrong, I often am, but my best guess is that many members of this community would suggest a gender therapist.  I didn't make that suggestion simply because in my opinion the most unsettling aspect is your daughter's anger.  That complicates and colors everything.  In many respects this is the issue that she needs to confront head on first.  She is contemplating a difficult journey.  She will likely need the support of her family along way.  She needs to quell her anger and resentment, and to a degree make peace with her past before moving forward.  

 

Mimi, I wish you well.  'Taint easy.

 

All good wishes,

 

Kati

 

 

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BrandiBri

Hi Mimi and welcome. You stated that you don't know what do do or how to support your daughter. I speak not from the standpoint of a parent of a trans child, but as the child. First, you are very lucky that your daughter has confided in you about this issue. That tells me that, although she has a "short fuse" she still loves you and feels comfortable enough to include you in her transition. I was too afraid of what my parents would think or do and so they both went to their graves not knowing. 

As for what to do, say, or how to support her, you do need to begin conversations and be sensitive to her feelings and emotions. She probably has much the same thoughts as I did as a teen. I remember the feeling of euphoria when dressed and also the disgust at times when dressed. I can't count the times that I tried to quit because "boys aren't supposed to wear girls clothes." 

I would suggest looking for resources online for parents of transgender children. One site that I found that lists books that addresses your issues is PFLAG's reading list.

 

https://www.pflag.org/resource/transgender-reading-list-adults

 

You might start a conversation by asking what her goals are as she moves forward in her journey. But I think (in my humble opinion) that stressing that you will support her and love her unconditionally will be one of the best things that you can do for her.

 

Again, welcome to the forums and feel free to ask questions as you see fit.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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mimi.

Thank you all for the input here, but I am still confused. I am still trying to understand what she expects from me. I  have told her I love her unconditionally , I told her I support her decision. I am here for her, and she says her friends have accepted her , they call her by the new name. why can't  I ask her questions like they do, why don't I want to. With her I never know what the right question is. I told her that and she can not see it. I should be concerned, I should want to know about everything  pertaining to this. The fact that I can not call her  by her new name is for her protection. Her stepdad is not open to anything like that and if I said anything he would have a field day with words. I can not let that happen to her. She does not understand my position with all this. She wants more from me. More input more concerns about this process. Is there something I am not seeing. I am still dealing with her brothers transition, not because of the transition, but because its been well over 5 years since I have even talked to him(her),and I found out thru someone else.  Please what the heck am I supposed to do or say, I don't know. I was raised differently in a different generation, but that has no bearing on anything she says.

 

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Jani
Just now, mimi. said:

The fact that I can not call her  by her new name is for her protection.

Is there some way you can sit down and explain this situation with your husband and offer an alternative such as a new "Pet" name that only you two know the meaning of?  She is an adult and should hopefully be able to understand the hurt it would cause her to be out to close family at this time, until she is fully on her own place.  At that time you would be able to be openly supportive.  Tell her you are being supportive now, but can only do so much given your home situation. 

 

I understand due to your other child's transition you are treading lightly but treat these as two different scenarios despite that they are similar.  

 

Jani

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MarcieMarie12

what I would do is join her for lunch outside of the house and not invite the stepdad as it does not concern him. Ith as been one of hte things I look forward to with my dad. I do appreciate that he uses my new name rather than my old one, but sometimes does slip on pronouns sometimes and the name (rarely). But the important point is that he is trying. I know that early in my transition, except for him, I did not see my family. For me it was a combination of not felling welcome, and not wanting to deal with my mom. It took over a year for the relationship to mend once I transitioned.  

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BrandiBri

Methinks part of the problem is that she is excited to be out and expects you to be as well. I remember when I first came out all I wanted to talk about was my transition. Use her preferred name when it is save to do so. 

As for questions you might ask when she realized that she is transgender,  how you can support her (explaining that i's not safe to do so around her stepfather), 

On 10/3/2018 at 9:09 AM, mimi. said:

I feel I have done something wrong  . What have i done?

Mimi, you have done nothing wrong. You have been dealt a hand that you don't know how to play. this puts you in the same position that many others have been in. Are there any support groups in your area that could help you and your daughter?  If there is a PFLAG chapter in your area that would be a good place to seek help. They not only would be there for both you and your daughter, but would more than likely have ideas to help you and your daughter. Your daughter needs to understand that her decision not only affects her, but everyone around her. You are going through a transition as well.

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VickySGV
8 hours ago, mimi. said:

I am still trying to understand what she expects from me.

 

I have a good idea that your (is it she or he as THEIR preferred pronouns?) child does not know themself (I am using gender neutral at the minute)  as to what they really want from you, and you are between a rock and a hard place, but say so either way.  Ask it in a letter or an E-male that has specifics on what you can offer them, also ask for resources that you can read, or even if your child knows of a support group you attend with them where others can help the two of you.  The issue with their step dad is going to be a strain for a while and in your letter cover that problem as you have here.  It is a valid, serious concern.  Mother / Adult child dinners or lunches out are a good idea.  At some  point though Coming Out fully has to be done, but it is your child's choice as to how or when.  As long as it will not put you or them at risk and you know the risk, go for your child's opinion.

Do show happiness even if it is confused with other feelings for a bit.  The support group thing would be one of the best ideas though.

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VickySGV

Have them be able to complete the following statement:

 

I will know my mother is listening to me when______________________________( a concrete and itemized goal.

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mimi.

once again, thank you all so much. I spent most of my night awake trying so hard to figure out what I   did. I am told  my other child, will never talk to me. I will probably never see her again, She was tired of me and the "pity party" she said.   Now this one says one part of him wants to walk away from me, one part wants to try. All he can say is  he has been waiting 25 yrs for me to accept him. Are you kidding me, all I did was love him as best I could, with all I had. I felt like I just got kicked in the gut. He says when he comes home  here  he has to fut on a mask because he can not be himself. I am standing on my head trying to let him know I am supportive of him 100 per cent. I am not without fault, I did not know if I could accept this trans. I was still falling apart from my other child.  He says the fact that I said nothing  haunts him. I feel no matter what I say or do it will be wrong, and he is better off without me.  the tears will not stop. I explained how I was brought up to believe differently,  years ago it was never open, and catholics were told it was wrong. He  does not think its means anything.    60 some odd years of believing in something  doesn't go away.  I don't care if he wants to be she, or she wants to be he. if they want to be black, jewishm anything. I will love them and always be there for them. I wish i could tell her to go to a support group or talk to someone, but I am forever wrong. I know nothing right. I just want to die and shrivel up

 

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Jani

He says he needs to wear a "mask" and so do you.  You've already told him you have taken this position publicly due to your husband, but privately you are accepting.  I know you were probably apprehensive due to the experience with your other child.  She should understand this.  Maybe as a parent, someday they will.   

 

You're doing OK.  It will get better. Hugs! 

 

Jani

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