(Stephanie) How it all started...

[elizabeth22]

So like, anyone seeing the biography topic, you might be wondering, why Stephanie,?   In order to explain that, you are going to have to sit back, grab a coffee ( and maybe a cig) and read.

 

When I was about 5 years old, my sister was 3.  At the time of course, toys and what not were very minimal and what me and my sister did in her room was hang out and watch the Animaniacs, Tale Spin,  and Chip n Dale rescue rangers.  

 

My sister and I got along great growing up.  My relationship with my parents though, now that's another story.  

 

I grew up Mormon ( which they perfer to be known as the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints ).  And I remember in about first grade, I kept having this receiving dream.  Me.  Not only with longer hair, but also no longer a boy. I also was like in a group home setting g with other girls.  Because it was recurring g and when I woke up, I started to wonder why am I a boy.  I hate this.  

 

So I brought it up with my parents.  Oh because of the churches values, this obviously to my parents just meant the devil was messing with me.  Then I was like (why do I have to keep my hair so short) (why can't I pick my own clothes).  My life was so restrictive; so my parents to my to the bishop various times with the idea that I must be possessed oi suppose. Basically that I was not their son.  

 

So over time because of the shock I suppose, I stopped telling my parents.  However me and my sister still hung out.  When. She had Barbie and Ken and some other female dolls, she was like (you can be Ken). No I wanted the doll with the long hair. I wanted to brush her hair and I figured how to braid and put hair in a pony tale.

 

On the other side of things, when in elementary, I tried to hang out with a friend in class who later turned around with his buddies and since I had glasses so young j was 4 eyes.  So for what seemed months I would lodge myself in this half circle bar thing where you can climb and whatever.  I would spend time just staring into the sky wondering why....

 

The why was why my dad when I was so young was so attimate about making sure I was clothes properly, had the clothes and made sure my mom did not deviate, and why he was using such hard force to tell me I should not disrespect his decisions.

 

All through my childhood.  Don't disrespect me and my decisiona.  

 

From spanking (and yelling) to being kicked in the butt, grounded, slapped, thrown against furntirure (and other) and when I had my first suicide attempt in high school my dad took a different approach.  He showed me into the kitchen and tried to scare me...holding a know saying (are you that attimate about dying)

 

But me and my sister started doing sneaky things.  I don't know, she grew up in the church to but i remember how she would be like (can I practice makeup on you) only to later realize because my parents were distant about our lives. There were other times she would get new clothes and be like (I don't know what this looks like on me. Can you try it on for me?) Now this is when I first started to feel like I was out of my chains and being allowed to do things... But then my dad was upstairs working on skmethjng came by my sister's room and went off....

 

So from there for a time I went back to computer stuff and was finishing up middle school.  On top of that I tried mentally escape this *world* by playing games.  It was wierd for me.  I seen people a d how video games mess with their thinking and person ality. Me.  I could play it so much.... But then I started to hit tthe phisoopjical question because of high school of j(who am I ?).

 

This is when I first unraveled myself and tried to think. I still had quite a few dreams.  Me going to female puberty - and changing my own pad.  I was still in the group homes.  And then I had this interesting f lucid dream. A complete replica of my home... But with darkness ... And dark figures in my home.  There would be resistance holding me but finally I got out and looked over to my parents room... Only to see my parents room fade into nothing.  There would be times I would try to jump over and try to help them... Of course only to realize... Ib this lucid mess... I guess nothing was real?

 

Afterwords I started to slowly despise the things I did. Video games.  Computer stuff.  I started finding myself reading books.  Making rugs with rug latch kit.  And even moreso, doing stuff in my walkin closet so to avoid life (and my father)

 

Before I started to work ,I would do so many extracurricular activities so to not be around the house...

 

Then after one fight that hurt me so bad internally, instread of taking off , I ran into my father, shoving him into the edge of furniture yelling. (you want me to respect you?! Well  give it first instead of expecting it from everyone).

 

It was from that point my relationship with my parents started to slowly fade.  My father did try though.  He stopped enforcing the short hair.  He let me wear cute shirts with sayings on them.  He basically was trying to do his part of saying sorry without doing so.

 

However is was also during this time period wear the derogatory slang of heshe got even worst.  Supposedly people felt that because ofy vocals, my hips, and hair (and other things) I was boyish with girlish tendencies or attributes.  IDK.

 

Going into adulthood things seemed to spiral.  High school phisophy and orther things made me question whether I should exist,; whether I have a soul; where I came from; why I was born in that family versus another.  These questions while I was trying to go to a 4 year... Made me feel like a nobody. I felt like the things people said made me feel like I shouldn't exist...

 

Same in the military... So upon discharge j had another ... Attempt...

 

Then attempt after attempt... I just now watched as my emotional well-being got worst and worst.  I no longer was a son or a friend to my family.  Friends said they would pray for me that I would find peace with myself.  Dooa after door closing... Only to make my emotional well-being even worst.  

After a while... I finally stepped in when there was smoke and (he) blacked out because of things burning in an abondend vehicle... I needed help now. So I found a 7 11 and probably because of the smoke, I was out.  Police came and took (me) away.

 

Jumping ahead, I started to do things to remind myself of awkward moments and why probably everyone is freaking out.  Why employers were like (can you where something to cover yourself? We got customers and employees).  I tried and undershirt only to find that was not good enough. Supposedly now my nipples were big and undescent in public now.

 

Over time since already being on well are, I noticed as one by one, it seemed that everything that defined me came crumbling down and this time, my bottom was what I wore and a bag with stuff from the hospital. 

 

When I finally got to the point of being jin a shelter in 2016, the impatient ward lost my pants and shirt .  So they were like, we found these women's pants and shirt.... Or we can keep looking...(I'll take it).  

 

So when in the shelter with so many stereotypes, not only was it wired that the staff took me to look at mixed women's and men's clothing but when I asked for something better to put my *stuff* in ... My case worker was like * will this work?* (A purse). 

 

IDK. I figured after everything I went through I could associate moreso with feminine stuff now. I despised my name. My life. My body.  I was emotionally done and that's why... I was chronically hospitalized.  So from 2016 on, staff and such started to ask at clinics (I suppose to not hurt my feelings was gender pronoun I perfer) I would right down *her* or *girl* because saying it , it brought back tearful memories that I kinda some included but many left out. There was an internal agreement of finally moving on because now i had nothing. O basically had to rebuild my life... 

 

So then began the group home phase.  Now I go into one, two, three group homes , only to be a bag, unproper, and girls are welcome here.

 

I freaking imploded bad.

 

So then next impatient stay, let's just say it was a lot longer due to what happened that put me there...

 

Staff (this was in. Dallas still) wanted to know how in identified because on the paper, I put a big x through the gender section and the orientation section.  (I was an it) (a nobody)

 

So to explain the Elizabeth & Stephanie scernario, think of two personalities in one head.  Elizabeth over time was a people person.  Wanted to follow out. So over time bring then more  prominent one, Liz literally had what she felt were facts of no one giving a -crap-.   So shutting down and thinking about leaving life....

 

I suppose that's where I came in.  Me (Stephanie) have seemingly been around to be optimistic, organnized, and wanting to get things done.  So whenever Liz would shut down, I would sit and come up with some solution.   However back in 2016 before being in the shelter, I probably took it too far.  All I was trying to do was comfort *him* because are the time he wouldn't accept the whole gender identity thing. Sk I went out. Got some fokd, clothes, and nail polish and tried on clothes and tried nail polish for the first time and then past out.

 

When Liz (he) woke up he probably about had a heart attack because there is two meds for anxiety.  Mobile crisis came out, probably smiled a bit, because I think they were saying that (you have to love all aspects of yourself and maybe find a LPC that would merge personalities(). I think that's what caused the big drop.

 

Work became a harrassment issue.

Life was overwhelming.

And now I gotta merge with this other (girl in my head)???

 

Son at first there were resources provided on gender affirmation and acceptance in Dallas. However it was overwhelming.  Finally found a group home that was not so attimate about kicking me out.

 

Then for some time I (Steph) felt suffocated after a new therapist and her sessions.  I don't know. I can't out one day and just wanted to be myself and tried to get alot of info on stuff and then it seemed that I was more of the one who wanted to also have fun

... Especially when shopping). Then  put on some medication and my screams were not heard. My tears went no where.  I was trapped   the girl within wanting to come out because.(Liz) decided to regress after so many decided to get passive agressive and even physically violent about this.....

 

Then I don't know why. Liz decided to try on like one thing from the women's section. Then it wias a couple more then it was nail polish...

 

Then being assaulted by house manager when all that happened was sevevee depression and cutting myself...

 

I left only to already know about Austin from another hospitalization and  when there, for some reason told the psychiatrist  I don't need these. They give me side effects.  So slowly instead of being a bag in the back, I was able to see what was going on.  At this point, it seemed even those who were giving advised and acted like they accepted transgender were giving info that later turned to only be for nchildren.  People. Would say they accept you only to be disgusted and prematurely discharge you.

 

So now I am in Austin and wound up in the hospital same day with nothibf, nothing but ladies clothing including the underwear.  And it made me ball up somewhere in the room so when they came to get people out of their rooms for groups, it looked like I was not in my room.

 

For the first time I looked at myself closer and everything I had, my whole life and saw as this him/her, girl/boy, ma'am sir... Once or twice it's okay but after a while I it had cause Liz to become more distant from everything in life.  I ( Steph) got mad because it was like,  why the heck are you so wanting to end it all. No one knows me here so in a way, just be yourself now. ). 

 

No. It wasn't that.  The emotional toll once I found d a group home took so much on me psychologically, when I felt safe in this group home I was in and out of sleep for like 3 days...

 

Then it seemed after a lucid dream talk with my self (Liz and Steph)...Liz doesn't want to be a person... Or a personality.  I didn't notice but everything was basically being setup so Liz can take a long mental nap only to wake up when at the store about spending only to say (just make sure you don't go hungry)

 

So for me, im doing what I wanted all along but with no emotional  toes to anyone from my past.  This is sad for me to deal with yes, but I am looking forward to makeinf new friends while I go through this lifelong journey into becoming a lady (even tho I'm like a teenager and wanna buy buy stuff).

 

~~ Stephanie'

 

[Jani]

Hello Stephanie.  I'm sorry to read all that you've gone through.  I'm glad you (Stephanie) are optimistic.  You are seeing a counselor now it seems.  As you have been in the military, you might consider contacted the VA for other treatment options.  I know it is sad to not have the ties to your past but sometimes that's how it goes.  You're not alone.  

 

Jani

[elizabeth22]

Since I never really finished the 3 schools for being an electrician after boot camp AND they said the condition existed prior to military (regardless of whether I was seeing an LPC prior to military or not), it was an adiminjstrative-mefical-general (RE4) separation.

[elizabeth22]

So, no benefits at all, but my situation helped when city programs in Dallas found a person that represented me in getting on social security. This I'm on Medicare (with extra help) and receiving extra help through Texas.