Coming out didn't go too good and it's getting harder to let it go

[hmillerrr]

Hey guys, so I told my parents in August and it didn't go very well. The first thing my mom says is, "your not a boy, you just don't want to be a -lesbian-." And my dad said, " If I were to live my life as trans I would go away to do it..why would you do it here? " And from there it's gotten worse and worse from my mom. And that's the thing deep down I know she's not transphobic 100% she just doesn't want me to be. she tells me all these things but I can tell she's saying them  more for herself than me. Things like "you're a girl" randomly through out the day. And even awful things such as, "you'll never find love. Nobody wants that. .. Just stay a girl. It will make your life easier." And I don't want to believe her but I haven't seen a lot of media representations of trans in relationships bc I'm kid and that's been a fear from the beginning, I just need hope.. BESIDES the fact that it's starting to hurt. When I first came out, their reactions shocked me bc I didn't think they were going to act like that. I spent a couple of days crying and moved on to say -expletive- you to it all bc I know my mom is just scared bc she'll have days where she caves and calls me he and even if it's for a minute, it means something to me.

But...it's getting harder to ignore it; the words, the wrong pronouns, different name.. Does anyone have advice? Thank you guys I don't trigger anyone.

[SugarMagnolia]

That's hard and there's no silver bullet. In time, I suspect your parents attitudes may improve -- they're likely very much in denial and bargaining stages now -- but that can take some time. Have they looked at any trans 101 / parents of transgender kids materials or websites? Sometimes getting information from other sources can help them see things differently. Maybe they could attend a local PFLAG meeting to get to know other parents? Are you in Northern or Southern California? 

One coping strategy is to make sure that you have the best possible support network outside of your family: therapist, LGBTQ support groups, likeminded friends, online support like these forums, etc. This won't make the problems at home easier, but it can help you continually see that not every place or person will be like that.

Another approach that may help is to start thinking about a long term plan with smaller short term actions that you can take to get there. This can help you to feel like there's a path forward and that you're in control even if it may take some time to get there. 

As far as needing hope, I totally get it. That's something we all rely on as part of this journey and cultivating it is critical. For your parents, just remember that many of us have had parents that were dismissive and many of them have gotten better over time. For yourself, just know that you're not alone, and that many people have been in very similar situations and survived and thrived. And always remember that you are loved and that we're here for you whenever you need it. 

I hope this helps at least a little and I'm sure others here will chime in with great ideas, too. 

Hugs,
Julie

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm sorry that you're not getting the support at home that you need and deserve.  Your parents are speaking out of fear for you, fear for themselves ("what will the relatives and neighbors think?"), and lack of information.  Some of it is understandable and some of it isn't.  It does often take time, sometimes months, for parents to get over the shock and come to grips with the change.  Some, unfortunately, never get over it, and never even try to understand or accept.  I hope your parents are not that kind.

 

Have you given them printed information?  There are many books, articles and other guidelines and help for parents of trans kids.  Try the Human Rights Campaign, PFLAG and other organization web sites for some great resources to download.  There are also books by young trans people and their parents, like "I Am Jazz" by Jazz Jennings.  Hopefully they will be willing to read up and educate themselves.  If you have a PFLAG chapter near you, ask your parents to take you to some meetings so they can meet other parents and other trans teens.

 

I wish you all the best, hon.  You know, I know at least 4 trans men locally who are married and totally happy with their lives.  Happiness and success are very much possible.

 

Carolyn Marie

[MarcieMarie12]

First reactions are not always the final reaction (and it could get better or worse). It may take time for them to come to terms with it. From their perspective, their whole concept of your future just got shattered. It will take time for them to adjust. 

 

For myself, when I transitioned it was about a year before I spoke to my mom again. Even now it is strained. My brothers are apathetic, but are not sure how to handle it. If that is because they never had a sister before I think is part of it.  The thing is it might not get any better than this. My dad took three months and has been my lifeline into my family since no one else in my family talks to me regularly....

[Robin]

We are all on a journey of self discovery, that seems impossible sometimes.  We must not forget that our loved ones are in exactly the same position, and they are trying to come to terms with something that they will never be able to fully understand. 

 

Hopefully your family will gradually adjust, as you are doing.

 

Robin.

[Kirsten]

Try not to let it get you down. They are at least still making effort with you. Sure it’s not positive or what you want to hear, but it is still a connection. As long as that’s still there, there is hope for a good outcome. My family has told me either it’s too much for them to deal with and have ceased all contact. Or they literally just disappeared. 

I like everyone’s ideas on getting them as much information and support as you can. Links to online information, printed information, anything you can. Even a therapist if they would be open to it (your choice of a therapist that supports you not theirs). Maybe a couple of hours with a therapist who is trained could add that kick they need. 

No matter what don’t give up. Those closest to us are the hardest to convince sometimes. They say what they say to protect you. Yes if you were “normal” your life would be easier. But you are normal. Just in a different way. You just have to get them to see that. 

Kirsten 

[Raven1981]

23 hours ago, hmillerrr said:

Hey guys, so I told my parents in August and it didn't go very well. The first thing my mom says is, "your not a boy, you just don't want to be a -lesbian-." And my dad said, " If I were to live my life as trans I would go away to do it..why would you do it here? " And from there it's gotten worse and worse from my mom. And that's the thing deep down I know she's not transphobic 100% she just doesn't want me to be. she tells me all these things but I can tell she's saying them  more for herself than me. Things like "you're a girl" randomly through out the day. And even awful things such as, "you'll never find love. Nobody wants that. .. Just stay a girl. It will make your life easier." And I don't want to believe her but I haven't seen a lot of media representations of trans in relationships bc I'm kid and that's been a fear from the beginning, I just need hope.. BESIDES the fact that it's starting to hurt. When I first came out, their reactions shocked me bc I didn't think they were going to act like that. I spent a couple of days crying and moved on to say -expletive- you to it all bc I know my mom is just scared bc she'll have days where she caves and calls me he and even if it's for a minute, it means something to me.

But...it's getting harder to ignore it; the words, the wrong pronouns, different name.. Does anyone have advice? Thank you guys I don't trigger anyone.

 

Hello:

 

I know that it can be tough and the first coming out is always the hardest.  Sorry about what happen to you.  I know it is never easy to come out to your parents and know what it feels like to have parents not be there for you.  I quite agree that were here for you and maybe look at some research and give them some research.  There is a book that my therapist gave me and I showed my parents to help them to cope with me.  It's an older book, but it is a good book.  Maybe it might help you out.