Went through my old clothes

[SydneyAngel]

I took out all my old girl clothes i had packed away. Since i went back to living as male the were in a box i had in the corner of my closet. Im finding it hard to feel good wearing some of them because i feel an Idiot and i hate the way my face looks no matter what i were. Plus my hair is all short and i gained a bunch of weight to my confidence is extremly low. The other thing that i think is bothering me the most is wearing tight jeans and a waering a bra again is so uncomfortable lol. I mostly wear pajamas and sweats so maybe thats why. I Also went back to my gender support group and got alot off my chest. Reconnecting was good and having said i was going to go when i was at my  therapist was even better because i followed through on it. I really want to be around trans people more because i really need that support. Im such a far cry from who i was. I miss that person alot i afraid that person is gone for good but i hope not. I dont know any one have any thoughts ?> 

[pulson]

I know exactly what you're experiencing! After my parents scared me out of exploring my gender + gender identity, I felt pressured to start acting cis and grow my hair out, wear tighter clothes for typically fem presentation of my curves, and stuff along that line. I found it just made me feel more miserable, and it started manifesting in my relationship with food. I actually just got my hair cut short again, and while I was freaking terrified, I found almost immediately afterwards I felt a billion times better about my appearance and this is honestly the best I've felt about how I look in about three years. It took me about a year after I got pressured to start "being cis" to feel comfortable exploring gender again, and it's taken me two and a half years to be comfortable cutting my hair again. All this is to say: it takes time.

 

You also don't have to jump into it headfirst. Maybe you could start out with some accessories for now? Nice necklaces and things that you keep underneath your shirts. Cute bracelets. Then overtime you can ease back into things like bras and tighter jeans. That person you feel you are isn't gone! She's just buried underneath fear of societal rejection. Which makes sense. We are social animals. A support group will definitely help you feel more comfortable with this, too. You can ask people at the gender support group for any trans groups around your area!

[Robin]

Don't worry, the real you hasn't disappeared.  If that were the case, you wouldn't be on this forum.

 

Robin.

[SydneyAngel]

Thanks so much for the support i really appreciate it  

[Kirsten]

That person is still in there. Don’t fret. They can come back in a heartbeat. If you aren’t happy with parts of you, change them. Losing weight in 2017 (80+ pounds) really helped me. I was depressed gaining weight acting recklessly etc... But I said it’s time for a change. Even if it was as a boy, I still needed a change. And I needed to prove to myself that I could still change. Sure it wasn’t the change I really wanted, but all I wanted was to fit into a size 8 again. From a 14. It took me 9 or so months but I got there. And somewhere in there I found the courage to transition. I found myself. I found that girl that was there 20 years ago. Still there just patiently waiting for me to smarten up. 

Whether you can transition or not you can be happy. You can do the things you want to do. You can be who you want to be. You are a strong person. We all are strong. You just have to make it happen. 

Kirsten

[Jani]

Very good observation Robin!  Sydney you will always be YOU.  Even if you don't let that person out to the world all the time.  Take care of yourself (emotionally and physically) and you will feel better.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[SydneyAngel]

9 hours ago, Kirsten said:

That person is still in there. Don’t fret. They can come back in a heartbeat. If you aren’t happy with parts of you, change them. Losing weight in 2017 (80+ pounds) really helped me. I was depressed gaining weight acting recklessly etc... But I said it’s time for a change. Even if it was as a boy, I still needed a change. And I needed to prove to myself that I could still change. Sure it wasn’t the change I really wanted, but all I wanted was to fit into a size 8 again. From a 14. It took me 9 or so months but I got there. And somewhere in there I found the courage to transition. I found myself. I found that girl that was there 20 years ago. Still there just patiently waiting for me to smarten up. 

Whether you can transition or not you can be happy. You can do the things you want to do. You can be who you want to be. You are a strong person. We all are strong. You just have to make it happen. 

Kirsten

 WOw thats amazing going from size 14 to 8 

[Kirsten]

51 minutes ago, Sydneyblue said:

 WOw thats amazing going from size 14 to 8 

Thanks. Keto diet and cardio. 252 pounds at the highest to 171 at the lowest. I’m back to mid 180s now almost 9 months later. But I like my weight for the most part. 

The best part of all of it wasn’t the weight loss though. It was finding myself and breaking out of my shell. I learned how to be okay with who I was instead of what everyone else wanted from me. 

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I learned how to be okay with who I was instead of what everyone else wanted from me. 

Best advice ever! 

 

Jani