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MicahKj

distractions are just getting less and less effective.

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MicahKj

been stuck in another rut for almost 3 months now. none of my interests can keep a lid over it anymore. i don't have the energy for anything physical. at this point the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning is an early smoke. everything i try to occupy myself with is overlayed by dysp.
it's been years. outside of the effects of the move, nothing changes. not for the better anyway. i still haven't started. i still don't have the resources to start. i grew up so mentally jammed into a corner that i don't have the confidence or independence needed to gather them on my own. and i can't rely on someone else for this, you can't ask that much time and money of people, even the close ones. i'm reminded of that every few hours further from the last dozenth time someone's offered me empty favors or reassurances. whenever i get up and try to take even the simplest, most domestic step closer, either the energy just passes off into another depressive rut, or something real happens to force me back on my ass for a while. as of these last couple days i've started getting some of the most intense anxiety attacks i've ever had and spending added up hours out of the day on the floor just trying to calm down. talking to friends doesn't make me feel any better. talking to the therapist just feels like talking to a wall at this point. not even outside of gender progression am i getting anywhere in life and i keep wondering if i'm actually any better off now than i was as a kid when i didn't understand why everything hurt. the idea of transition doesn't make me feel anything anymore. at this point i can't even get myself to care if i never get to change, i just constantly want it all to stop. i feel like i've already given up inside and my body just hasn't caught the memo yet.

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MaryEllen

I agree that you do appear to be stuck in a rut. I know how you're feeling because I've been there. I won't try to tell you to hang in there because things will get better. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. For myself, I had to force myself to reach out and eventually, it did get better.  Struggling to get out of that rut can be hard but it can be done. Force yourself to reach out to friends, to a therapist, anyone who will listen. If you ever expect to get a shot at happiness, you've got to reach out. No one can do it for you. It's up to you.  I did it and for many years now, I've felt a happiness that at one time, I never thought I'd achieve. You can do this too but you've got to make the effort.

 

MaryEllen

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MicahKj

my therapist honestly believes that there's no such thing as unequal societal treatment towards the different genders and minorities and that looking up the statistics is bound to be a great method of reassurement. i haven't a lot of faith in professional help right now.

it feels like i've been reaching out and trying for most of my life and it's gotten me nowhere but ignored, beat up, used, gaslit, or reassured for just barely long enough to dig up one more inch of hope to crush.
 

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MaryEllen

If your therapist isn't helping, perhaps it's time to seek out a new one.  If you give up now, this is where you'll stay. I would urge you to keep reaching out. Everyone on this planet deserves a happy life, even you.  It can be done but you've got to make the effort.

 

MaryEllen

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Charlize

I agree with Mary Ellen.  It may well be time to find a different therapist.  I suffered for years as an addict.  My drug of choice stoppered helping me and at the same time demanded More.  I was ready to give it all up when i fortunately reached out to others who did understand.  We at TP understand the effect of gender issues.  

9 hours ago, Geirmundi said:

my therapist honestly believes that there's no such thing as unequal societal treatment towards the different genders and minorities and that looking up the statistics is bound to be a great method of reassurement.

Any one who has lived with gender issues would never claim this to be true.  

Please keep reaching out.  The chat rooms here and the folks at Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860 understand. 

From my own experience i found that with the right help it gets better one small step at a time. 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Robin

Hi Geirmundi,

 

I can relate to the way that you are feeling, so you are certainly not alone.

 

I find it helpful to think of dysphoria as a being a bit like living with a disability.  It is very easy to focus on the things that we can't do, and that are impossible to change.  There are plenty of things that we can do, and life is not nearly as bleak as we sometimes lead ourselves to believe.

 

You may not have a cherry on the top, but you have still got the cake.

 

Robin.

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Timber Wolf

Hi Geirmundi,

I have gone through rough times that seemed absolutely hopeless. Times that I couldn't find a reason to want to live. I've learned a few things from those experiences. One thing I've learned is to keep going. I wish I could promise you that there are sunshine and daisy's ahead, but I can't. But neither can I promise you there are pits and deep valley's ahead either. That's what I've learned, that I don't really know what the future holds, good or bad. But I'll never reach it if I quit. I'll just stay in the same miserable place I'm in at the time. By continuing to climb that hill, I at least give myself a chance to see change, even though I can't see anything tangible to latch onto for hope. We just don't know which bend in the path may reveal that hope. There have been times that wonderful things have happened out of the blue that I had no way of foreseeing. I don't know if there are more of those ahead or not, but I won't find them if I give up and quit.

 

I also wish that I could say I'm some kind of super being who never falters, but I'd be lying. I do sit down and wallow in my own woes at times, swearing to go no further, to try no more. But eventually, I see the pointlessness in that, and I pick myself up and I take another step. And that's what it takes, steps not leaps. One day at a time. Just live today and let tomorrow worry about itself. That's how I've gotten through the rough times in my life.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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MicahKj

good morning. past noon, actually, but that doesn't really look right. habit, y'know?

thank you all so much for the support. the mood's eased up a lot, and i've got a ton of work piled up for today that should keep me too busy to think much for a while.

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MaryEllen

Keeping busy is a good way to keep your mind off your troubles and believe it or not, putting your thoughts in print is good therapy too. Have you ever thought of keeping a journal? Putting thoughts, both good and bad on paper has helped many.

 

MaryEllen

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Charlize

I'm glad you are feeling better and thanks for letting us know.  Please remember we are here and are ready to help.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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