I Feel Fake

[CallMeKai]

I am trying to understand who I am but that just seems to keep backfiring. I constantly face if I am just a transtrender or something else. I want to be a guy, have a flat chest and small hips with that deep voice and nice jawline but whenever I think of that all I can think of is that I WANT to be that not that I NEED to be a guy to live a happy life. My dysphoria is small and somedays it feels like I am forcing myself to feel something. I actually don't care about my chest as long as it isn't too noticeable. I notice little things like " oh that remark was girly don't say that again " and " your laugh is so high pitched stop! " but after noticing that it was girly or feminine I just move on with life and don't think about it anymore. Other trans guys say they felt high amounts of dysphoria to the point where they could hardly breath. I don't feel that way and whenever I hear how little my dysphoria is to there's I feel so fake. I don't want to be fake or a transtrender, I just want to be myself and be comfortable in my body!

[Kirsten]

That’s spot on Mary. 

From the other end of the spectrum, I have very little dysphoria. Do I wish I had an “innie” vs my “outie”, sure do. But I can deal with it. It’s kinda in the way but whatevs.

I used to think I had all these dysphoric thoughts and I think a lot of them were me “faking” it to give myself a reason to be happy. If I’m stuck on having male parts vs female, looking male vs female, acting male instead of female etc.... then I am definitely transgender and I can start hrt/surgery/etc. 

That was silly. The simple fact is that I am me. And you are you. We are all ourselves. Being trans or non-binary or any of these “umbrella” terms is not really that important. There are no “rules” about any of this. It’s about finding out how you can be happy with yourself. Some need hrt. Some don’t.  Others need surgery. It doesn’t mean anyone is more or less anything. It just means they are them and you are you. 

Be happy. Do the things that make you that way.  No more. No less.  And don’t worry about the rest. It’s all gonna work out eventually. ?

Kirsten 

[Kirsten]

Oh I should add personality is just the same. Do the things that make you happy too. Look manly and act girly if you want. All that matters is that you don’t have to fake anything because you are valid however you want to be. ❤️❤️

[VickySGV]

1 minute ago, MaryMary said:

Yes, there's people like me who have a lot of dysphoria. But dysphoria is a mental illness and is not equal being transgender.

 

Gender Dysphoria is no longer defined as a Mental Illness in any of the reputable Diagnostic Manuals of the major Psychiatric or Psychological Associations nor of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health.  Some very few publications of groups that deny Transgender existence do say it that way, but they grow fewer and fewer. Thank the heavens.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++

Transtrender is another term that is used to put down the real feelings of personal identification that many people legitimately have.  It s a label that has been created to shame people and make them conform to some rigid expressions of sex and gender.  Your feelings that you may be a masculine appearing/acting FEMALE are not a "trend" that you are mimicking, they are your real feelings and people putting you down are the ones at fault in that case.  The big point is your own confidence in yourself which most young people are a bit shaky on at some point in time.  You are not doing anything wrong by wanting or acting on approaching the other gender and who you are is up to you.  The most feminine appearing people can be the coldest and most unfeeling people around (I know many of them), and some of the most masculine looking can be wonderful "Teddy Bear" loving individuals.  Find where you fit in accept it and OWN IT.

[RithiaAllen]

I remember the constant struggle of what am I until I finally came to the conclusion that I am me.

 

A clarification on forcing yourself to feel something. Do you mean you are consciously blocking out your feelings because of a mental conflict they cause? If so I have lots of experience with that and it’s no way to live. We’re not machines and the emotions will simply bottle up until it results in a uncontrollable eruption from the littlest thing.

 

It sounds you may have some body dysphoria your actions sound similar to what I went through when I was younger. I vividly recall looking at guys in Gym during high school and praying to god that I didn’t get all bulky. This was in the 90s and I had no idea what gender identity was. I avoided anything like weight training that bulked up. I went for activities like running that toned but never bulked. I remember shaving all my body hair as soon as it started coming until my Mom gave me the wives tale about it just coming back darker and faster if you keep shaving. That turned out to be a lie. Pretty much everything my body started doing betrayed my very self and as I got older I became more reclusive because I couldn’t relate to my “peers” and I didn’t understand at the time how males thought. It through for a loop how men would fight and then be best buddies when I just wanted to gouge their eyes out and not be friends. This resulted in lots of fights until we moved to Georgia on my sophomore year of high school and I perfected the (please excuse the language) -expletive- off and die look that kept everyone away from me. I had two friends the rest of high school and even then I never fully opened up. This continued through college but I had a few more friends just because I was at an art school and I could be more quirky without getting in a fight so I could be a little more of myself.

 

The bottom line is if you are doing things like this to make yourself feel more comfortable in your skin then that Is what matters. Be true to yourself. We’ll here to support you however you feel. If you have questions you have but to ask. ?

[VickySGV]

Just now, MaryMary said:

a disorder is the word they use?

 

 No longer even that!

[Robin]

There are always plenty of people out there who are keen to tell you how you should behave and what you should wear.  Some people also want to get competitive about how much dysphoria they can experience.

 

Anyone who is a "fake" is unlikely to be on this forum, worrying about whether or not they are genuine.

 

If your dysphoria is not too bad, that is great, and hopefully it will be easier to cope with.

 

Robin.

[Bad]

I think no matter who you are, you are entitled to the feelings that you have. The amount or intensity of the dysphoria you experience is just as valid and real as those who have it at much higher levels.

 

I struggle with the same thoughts. I'm androgynous in my appearance and for many years I pushed the possibility of being trans away because I figured, I can pass for either gender anyway... so then why transition? But at the end of the day, transitioning would align me with the identity that I've always been way more comfortable and confident with, which is the masculine one. I'm also getting to a point where I cannot leave my house without binding, and I cannot fathom a future for me being female.

 

I'm glad someone pointed out that dysphoria isn't classified as a mental illness because it definitely isn't. If my body makes me uncomfortable, I have the right to make customizations to it, as long as I am safe and it makes me happy.

[RithiaAllen]

Exactly. In the Bible it says if your eye offends you pluck it out. I’ve had to endure the Bible thumping and honestly almost all of it is a pretext for bigotry.

 

we are the masters of our destiny and as long as we are true to ourselves it is an impossibility that we are fake.

[My name isn’t Megan]

I’ve been going through some very similar feelings, I think ? I struggle with my gender identity because I don’t know *why* I feel the way I do. And in my case, these feelings have become more intense only very recently. I have a Christian upbringing, so my mom is opposed to me exploring any advenues of transition. My dysphoria isn’t extremely intense, either; I hate body hair, no doubt ? but it’s like... I don’t feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body;

I just feel like a boy who wants to be a girl. It’s not that I *hate* being a boy, but I’ve fallen in love with the idea of becoming a girl ??? it’s so hard to figure out what I’m feeling, and if what I’m feeling is even real... but I guess it’s like the man said:

 

”What you think you see, is only as real as your brain tells you it is.”

Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid 2

 

I guess in the end, it falls upon us to decide how we interpret our reality. Nobody can tell us with definitive certainty that we feel a certain way; we always have the final word upon how we feel, and nobody can tell us how we should feel. 

 

I love how profound a video game from the early 2000’s can be ??

 

With ❤️,

                   Megan.

(Or at least, I hope I’m Megan one day ?)

[Susan R]

12 minutes ago, My name isn’t Megan said:

Nobody can tell us with definitive certainty that we feel a certain way; we always have the final word upon how we feel, and nobody can tell us how we should feel. 

This is so true, Megan.  Our decision to transition is one of the single most loneliest decisions we can ever make.  Advice and opinions are nice (sometimes) but should play very little (if any) in the final decision.

 

Susan R?

[Brienne]

I struggle every day. Being well over 6 feet tall and big as a door really messes with me. There are days that my dysphoria seems very pale in comparison to what others are going through, but it doesn't make it any less real or painful. Some days you just got to wake up and go where life leads you and if that means a less feminine or masculine day then so be it.