A Little Bit About Me and So Much More

[Kylie Rey]

I'm not sure if I should post this here or in regular introductions, so I'm just going to put it here.

 

Hi I’m Kylie, I’m a 24 year old trans woman (pre-everything). This is going to be a long post but I’m trying to push myself to not be as anxious when it comes to putting myself out there and trying to meet new people. I'm working as best as I can to become a writer, currently participating in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) as I write a draft for a cyberpunk western and planning on the possibility of creating a blog where I can start a fantasy series based on a campaign idea, which I absolutely loved, for a D&D game that never really panned out. I enjoy all types of different music ranging from big band swing of the 30s and 40s to classic metal to today’s indie pop. I also really enjoy video games on occasion, though in recent months I've drifted away from those as I finally got myself on some kind of work schedule to write, learn, and practice. I've even finally gotten into reading which is something I was never really encouraged (though not discouraged) to do when I was younger. I have a few friends I've met online through D&D that have become close friends who are very supportive and accepting. I've even come out to a few family members. My brother, my parents, and two cousins (one of which is in the same situation as me but much farther along in her transition than I am).

 

Now for the long part that I’m going to just blurt out because I’ve held it in long enough and I’ve had a really bad week and just need to vent:
This is something I've been putting off for a while. I know I don't have to talk, but I've held in a lot for over a decade. This, however, is just going to touch on what my life has vaguely been like for the last three years. I finally accepted that I was trans back in 2015-2016 while I was attending college (I believe it was my third year there), but I had been questioning it for a long while before then based on feelings I was having and things I thought were signs from younger years pointing to it. When I came out to my best friend at the time, she acted not surprised at all and sounded as if she had been waiting forever for me to finally say those words. Which I was happy about, but what I wasn't happy about was how poorly I was doing. I went to college when I really shouldn't have. It wasn't until my third year that I realized that I honestly truly did not know what I wanted from my future and I was taking classes that I hated, did not enjoy, and just never could wrap my mind around the subject matter. I was lost. I was fortunate enough to have a four-year scholarship to the college which allowed me to get by without needing a student loan (this was a private college in Kentucky called Berea College which prides itself in giving an affordable education to low income students), but after that year I decided that I wasn't going to waste any more money going to college, dipping my toe in every major just to see what would actually interest me, and then get to the end of my fourth year to realize that I still had no idea what I wanted to do with myself and see my scholarship expire. So I made a decision that I still to this day do not know if it was the right move. I dropped out.

After dropping out I found myself falling into an abyss of shame and self-hatred until I felt the hard, cold surface that was rock bottom. I felt like a failure and I let everyone down and myself. My ticket to grow and be the person I saw within myself when I came out to my friend had just vanished. And so, upon returning home I officially checked out. I gave up. I accepted that the bottom of the abyss was my new home and that's where I was going to be for the remainder of my life whether that be decades or until I finally went through with those terrible thoughts I had in my worst moments (thoughts that thankfully don't show themselves all that much anymore).

I've been this way for the last two years. I've sat in my room, with my dad in a small old coal town in Southern West Virginia, unemployed with no future prospects, content to rot as I watched nothing but YouTube videos and played video games to pass the time. I shut everyone out especially when someone close to us got caught up in a world they shouldn't have been in. A world that went on to antagonize them to the point they became nothing more than a broken mind that saw ghosts in the shadows and stalked the house throughout the night to make sure they'd still be alive the next morning. That time saw many fights and those fights just saw me shut myself in even further trying to block out their misery so that I could be alone to steep in my own.

 

As time went on, things changed. During my solitude, a small ray of light shone into the abyss. A chance to change something, all I had to do was push myself to go through with it. I ended up applying for online D&D games in an attempt to actually interact with people. At first, I applied to games with my birth name and to be honest I wasn't too comfortable with it. But that didn't matter, I never got accepted into those games. But one day I told myself, "No, that's not me." So I changed it to my name: Kylie Rey (a name my mom chose funny enough). And very soon after that I found myself in a group of strangers playing a game. It was a different experience. A frightening one, but from that group I went on to become friends with three great people who have been so accepting and supportive of me that even thinking about it sometimes overwhelms me. Just knowing that people care about me being myself and supporting that. I still talk and do things with them to this day usually every weekend. And it was from this group that I finally saw a chance at me becoming someone through writing just from the sheer enjoyment I had from making one terrible backstory for a character. And it was during this time I think I finally checked back in.

But as the momentary joy and happiness subsided, I looked at my situation and realized just how not great it was. I had friends who accepted me, I had come out to a few people in my family even before that (my parents included), but what I saw didn't leave me hopeful. There was no work, there was no plan, and the community was torn apart by the opioid epidemic. I was stuck. I'm still stuck. And I don't feel safe at all. The people I came out to, most of them I lost contact with. I haven't talked to my best friend from college nor my cousin in almost a year. Hell, I barely talk to my parents and I live with one of them nor do I talk much with my brother. All these good things may have happened, but I still find myself locked away though I guess now I do have some sort of future prospect.
To be honest, lately things have not being good. I've found myself shouting on the inside wanting desperately to leave this place and just go far away. I hate it here. It's a town, hell it's even the state, that's slowly dying. And while I work my hind end off trying to get some semblance of what I think is decent writing I only find myself being filled with self-doubt. Just desperately wanting to leave and start my transition from whatever way is possible because I sure as hell know that it isn't going to start here. I've even admitted to my mother yesterday during a phone call just how bad I've felt lately. And I told her that I actually had a car and could drive, I very likely would've packed up my things this week and left even if that meant the car was going to be my home for a while. 

I don't know. It just really hasn't been a good week and I will admit that I've had anxiety thinking about a potential blog and even writing this post. But I'm trying to break that and I just felt I really needed to come into a place that won't judge me and just blurt out an ounce of what I've been holding in and trust me there's a lot more than this that I'm not going to get into. Sorry if this seems like a bunch of disjointed ramblings, I just had a lot to get off my chest and I'm not usually this somber. Lately I just wish I could move someplace else so that I can start my life as Kylie in the real world and not just online. And I know transitioning isn’t going to magically cure my depression and anxiety, but damn it if I’m going to be miserable I’d much rather be miserable as Kylie than who I present as now.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Jani]

Hello and welcome.  I'm not being judgmental but I'll jump right in and say you need to get out and interact with other people.  Not speaking with others is not good for your own health.  As you note you've found yourself shouting on the inside.  

 

50 minutes ago, Kylie Rey said:

Lately I just wish I could move someplace else so that I can start my life as Kylie in the real world and not just online.

Have you thought about what you would do and where you might go if you decided to head out on your own?   I'm glad you wrote and are able to speak your mind, even if it is online.  

 

You are correct that transition does not solve other problems in our lives but it does help balance us somewhat.  While you are at a disadvantage now due to living with one of your parents, you can plan and prepare.  Transition as you may have read here and other places is an expensive proposition.  But you also only can go as far as you need.  Remember there are no rules as to what makes us transgender.  There is no test.

 

Bottom line is that you don't have to be miserable, and you can be Kylie.  It takes a plan! 
 

Cheers, Jani 

[Susan R]

Hi Kylie Rey,  I'm glad you posted here.  We are here to at least "try" to help in any small way we can.  Our group is only one of many support systems available to you online.  I don't have all the answers and no one does but I can offer a possible starting point.

 

2 hours ago, Kylie Rey said:

Lately I just wish I could move someplace else so that I can start my life as Kylie in the real world and not just online.

 

You are exactly right with this statement.  You would do better to put yourself out there into the real world.  This is just an idea that worked for me in the past before I attended University so I'll put it out there.  Of course, your mileage may vary but it's really worth a shot.  Before leaving your parent and possibly a major form of your financial support, you might look into helping out at an organization as a volunteer...one that interests you.  Generally, some don't have very stringent educational requirements and this may help you accomplish several things along the way.  You'll be meeting and working with new people who are helping others,  giving youself new purpose and eventually motivation, may cultivate new interests, and it looks very good on a resumé for work in the future.  I did mine volunteer work at a local YMCA and still have fond memories of my time in that organization.  Seek out what interests you and see if there are any group(s) that might benefit from your help.  You might even be surprised how helping others, helps yourself.

 

my 2¢,

Susan R?

Susan R?

 

 

[Kylie Rey]

16 hours ago, Jani said:

Hello and welcome.  I'm not being judgmental but I'll jump right in and say you need to get out and interact with other people.  Not speaking with others is not good for your own health.  As you note you've found yourself shouting on the inside.  

Hey, I don't think you're being judgmental at all.  You're exactly right. This is pretty much what everyone has told me I need to do, but I've just been too afraid to do it. The main point of me joining this forum was so I can slowly break through that anxiety and realize that I don't need to be afraid to open up or speak my mind. But sometimes you just need someone to to be straight forward with you and reaffirm such simple things.

 

16 hours ago, Jani said:

Have you thought about what you would do and where you might go if you decided to head out on your own?   I'm glad you wrote and are able to speak your mind, even if it is online.  

To be honest, not really. I've been rather impulsive in my thoughts the past few days and just haven't thought about the consequences of such actions. Heck reading through what I wrote, there are points where I am a little embarrassed about some of what I wrote but hey to deal with anxiety you just need to work to realize that being embarrassed isn't the end of the world and there isn't much to fear from such things. Other than that as I truly think about it, if I had a vehicle I likely wouldn't be so drastic in my actions and possibly feel freedom to go out and interact. I do appreciate the forwardness.

 

14 hours ago, Susan R said:

Before leaving your parent and possibly a major form of your financial support, you might look into helping out at an organization as a volunteer...one that interests you. 

This is such a simple suggestion that I, quite frankly, never considered. I have looked around online at internships and such but a lot of them are geared towards current college students and people with a lot of experience. I should look into volunteer work.

 

Again, I do appreciate people taking the time to read this. I feel a lot better putting this out there than I am embarrassed about it, despite being rather nervous last night. The friends I mentioned really helped take my mind off things and now I'm glad that I've done this.

[Jani]

There is no need to feel embarrassed.  We've all been there where we feel out of place  or not sure of ourselves.  You'll do fine.  Try focusing on a short term goal that is attainable, then build on the success with another.  Long term goals while nice to have can be daunting and hard to stay focused on because the reward is not forthcoming soon.  Live by winning the smaller battles!  You can do it!  

Jani