Testosterone Without the Pronouns

[Shortie]

If you want the brief version Scroll down

 

I've gone through all the discussions from the first page to the last page hoping to god there was a story like mine, and I didn't find one. I feel alone, and I feel confused. 

I first started dressing like a boy my 11th grade year in high school, I binned my chest like crazy, and I had wanted to cut my hair super short for a long time and my parents never allowed me to. I could finally be who I wanted and I was noticeably more confident and happier. I identify as trans with my girlfriend at the time, but on and off to everyone else. It kind of became a "call me whatever pronouns your comfortable with" type of situation. I was nervous to come out fully as trans because I did play on the varsity soccer team, and didn't want to be deemed ineligible. I vowed that when I went to college, free of sports I would begin my transition. However, I found rugby, and as a 5'7.. 110-115 pound female I'm very small. According to USA Rugby Laws, if I transitioned and started taking T, I'd have to play with the boys. Even though the rules for girls and boys are the same, I'd be crushed, and very seriously injured. Nor would anyone take me seriously. So thats a huge factor preventing my eyes from really opening up and seeing who I am. 

Another thing, is that I usually don't care when I get misgendered when I'm in public by myself, but when I'm around people it's kind of embarrassing to get called a boy. I don't feel comfortable using the mens bathroom because I'm always scared someone I know is going to be in there, or I'm not going to pass. But there have been many times where I've used the women's bathroom and people give me funny looks or ask me if they're in the right bathroom. Because of this I've grown afraid of public bathrooms and I avoid them at all cost. I've also used the mens bathroom one time when I was on my period and I had no place to put the tampon because there was no trash and that was scaring.

I heard that starting birth control could eliminate your period and it took me years to cough up the courage to ask my doctor if I could start. I blamed it one cramps (they were bad but the dysphoria that came with my period was even worse). I still get my period and it bothers me but not as much as it did in high school.

 

Here's where my story gets interesting and where I get to the point

 

I have a masculine side and I have a feminine side, most of the time this year it's been more on the feminine side.. (if you count skinny jeans and a button up feminine) when I wear my colored skinny jeans and button ups I always feel like I'm channeling my gay sassy side. I don't think I'm ready to change my pronouns, or necessarily know if I want to because I'm not ready to feel like I make everyone around me uncomfortable. But after typing and thinking this all through, I've realized that no matter what kind of clothes I've worn I've always felt more masculine, but when I do add a more feminine twist to it, I feel sassy, like I'm doing drag (which has always been something that fascinates me). I want to start testosterone because I want to look more masculine, I want to be bigger, I want my voice to be a little deeper but most of all I just want to be able to put on more muscle. I just have so many worries behind it all, like what if I can't play rugby anymore, or this is going to sound so cliché but what if nobody loves me, or wants to bring me around their parents. Oh god, what about my parents? I don't know if T is for me, like if I'm taking it for the right reason? I'm not happy with how small I am, I want to be bigger and I want to be more masculine looking but still dress sorta feminine in a way, but I don't know if I really want to have the "He/Him" attached to it.

This has been bothering me lately because I don't know what I want and I feel like I'm the only person that feels this way. So if someone could offer up some advice that would be amazing.

[Charlize]

All of our journeys are different but at the same time we all have issues with our genders.  It was important for me to see a therapist to find some acceptance of myself.  At first i felt i must completely transition, leaving all male aspects behind.  After some time i realized there were many aspects of my male self i enjoyed.  I am a farmer now in my older age and worked construction much of my life.  I enjoy swing a hammer, using a chainsaw and driving heavy equipment.  Oddly i find the exertion of shoveling or loading hay pleasant at times as well.  I do present as female and find that fits.  For me the totality of male life just wasn't right.  I hear much of the same in your introduction.

Welcome.  I don't think you are alone here.  Hopefully you'll find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hi Shortie.  Welcome!!  That you are conflicted since you still want to play rugby says you probably need to look carefully at how far and fast you want to go.  If you feel masculine then that's the answer, you are.  Changing your clothing doesn't change that fact.  If feminine styling and clothing are not uncomfortable, why worry.  

 

You can build muscle by working out and changing your diet.  It won't change your voice but it would be a start and give you an indication of how you will feel when/if you did go on T.

 

Like Charlize, I was conflicted at first but then realized I did not have to leave the masculine activities that I enjoy behind.  I am just me!   You can be you.  

 

Jani