Extreme Hesitation

[Rissthebear]

Hi everyone,

 I've recently come to terms with myself that I am not a female, and that I identify as a man. I have not come out to any family at all, and only a few friends know about this. I go by Riss for now as I have not picked a new name yet.

My issue that I was hoping someone on here would be able to provide advice for is that I first discovered what being transgender meant in 9th grade, identified as it, got in trouble and now I'm on my own in college and realized I can be who I've always been now.

Back in 9th grade, I identified as trans to friends at school, but more specifically on a  secret Instagram account. I presented myself as Theo, and one day my mom caught me on that account. She did quite a few things after that.

1) she was mad because I was misbehaving on there while talking to some online girl

2) she was mad because she thought I was saying I was trans for attention

3) she told me I am a girl, and I will act like one. 

I was then required to wear girl clothing and makeup, as her way of forcing me back into a feminine mindset I suppose. I was miserable, but over the years she eased up and I snuck my way back to my masculine self, buying boxers, men's clothes, etc. She then concluded that I was a lesbian, 2 years ago and she was perfectly fine with that. I was just happy because she was okay with me at least identifying with some part of the LGBTQ+ family, but I never got to come out the way I wanted to. I didn't get to talk about my conflicting feelings with my masculinity and dysphoria because I guess in a way I felt like I would be asking for too much by correcting her guess on what I am. Fast forward to now, I'm a college freshman, uncomfortable with the curves, hips, and chest that my body has given me. I know I would be so much happier to be a man, but the years of having to hide that side of myself have made it much more difficult to accept that I am supposed to be a man. I feel wrong for wanting to transition now like I'm a disappointment to my parents because I'm not their first born daughter, I'm their firstborn son.

I'm about 99% sure my Dad will not accept me anymore, and I'm unsure of how my mom will react. All I know is that if she doesn't accept me, I may not be welcome around my family anymore.

I don't know what to do. I'm so uncomfortable in this womanly body, I want to look like how I was meant to look like, and I have the option to start T in a few months, but I do not want to lose my family. My family is everything to me and I'm not mentally capable of handling disownment from them. What do I do?

[VickySGV]

My first suggestion is to see your College Health Services to talk with a therapist who knows the ropes of Gender Dysphoria, or if your college will not touch that look for the closest LGBT Community Center to put you in touch with an affordable therapist.  The therapists cannot and will not talk to your parents so you are safe there.  Transition is a long series of LITTLE STEPS and you can take those steps to keep the GD in check, but work with your family.  Take the fewest steps needed to feel good about yourself is a best practices picture. With a therapist you may be able to find ways to soften your parents up a bit, and find ways to give them information about why you feel you have to do what you are going to do.  The Transgender community is sadly used to the family rejection idea, but we find each other and become family to one another. 

[Jani]

Hello Riss and welcome!  Vicky is correct about taking small steps.  This will allow you to fully absorb the changes, mentally and physically.  Also you only need to go as far as you need to be comfortable.  It's not a race, it's not for others to decide; it's about you.  Being away at college can be a wonderful time filled with experimentation and discovery.  Take advantage of this time.  That you feel your parents will not be understanding and accepting is unfortunate but you cannot control their choices just as they ultimately cannot control yours.   I wish you well.   Go find a therapist! 

Cheers, Jani