She knew already

[Willow421]

Tonight I passed a milestone and told my wife of 21 years that I have accepted my feminine side and identify more as a woman than a man. What blew me away is she already knew - ok, she thought I may have been gay (I have no interest in men) - she was happy for me that I had accepted my identity. I was terrified to tell her, fearing a strong negative reaction. My fear was misplaced as she lovingly supported and told me I better not end up being more pretty than her ?. I was relieved, almost cried.

 

This moment had been 40 years in the making. I have been ln treatment for anxiety and depression for most of my adult life. I have learned to effectively manage my mental illness through CBT and medication but have always felt the anxiety just below the surface. Today I have a big smile inside me, a calmness that I haven't felt in a long time. Accepting my female identity has made me realize that denying this identity may have been a root cause of my mental illness. More time will help validate this assumption. 

 

I am pleased that I can now be more open and natural at home. My wife and I are concerned about how to have this discussion with my 20 year old son and 15 year old daughter and how my home community will accept my choice. There is lots of road ahead to navigate and I will need to learn more about has to make this transition. 

 

I am looking forward to this journey, all of the challenges and successes.

 

 

[tracy_j]

Hi Willow, Welcome

 

I am glad your wife has handled this so well. As you realise, there is a long way to go. Pleas do not hesitate to ask and join in with discussion here. People are friendly and there is much gathered experience.

 

Here's hoping your journey is relaxed and smooth, no matter how challenging it may be

 

Tracy

[Susan R]

Hello Willow, success stories like this sure do give me inspiration.  Keep us updated as to your progress, especially how it goes if you share this with your children.  I still need to do this myself.  I am very happy for you and the outcome.

 

Congratulations on your milestone,

Susan R?

[KymmieL]

 Willow, I was in the same boat as you. I thought the negative would be the reaction from my wife. It was like yours she already figured it out. Since then not much has changed in my house hold.  Is your son still at home? Our youngest is still at home. While I haven't out an told him. I think her already knows. Like your wife your kids may suspect. 

 

Congratulations and welcome. This site has helped me greatly.

 

Kymmie

[Willow421]

Just now, KymmieL said:

 Willow, I was in the same boat as you. I thought the negative would be the reaction from my wife. It was like yours she already figured it out. Since then not much has changed in my house hold.  Is your son still at home? Our youngest is still at home. While I haven't out an told him. I think her already knows. Like your wife your kids may suspect. 

 

Congratulations and welcome. This site has helped me greatly.

 

Kymmie

Kymmie, my son is still at home and I think he will be the toughest hurdle. He has significant anxiety and we are not sure how he will process the information without making it worse for him. 

 

I am really happy to be able to share my experiences with people who know what I'm feeling and understand the struggles still ahead of me. 

 

Thank you for you support ?

[Willow421]

7 hours ago, tracy_j said:

Hi Willow, Welcome

 

I am glad your wife has handled this so well. As you realise, there is a long way to go. Pleas do not hesitate to ask and join in with discussion here. People are friendly and there is much gathered experience.

 

Here's hoping your journey is relaxed and smooth, no matter how challenging it may be

 

Tracy

Hi Tracy.  Thank you for providing a forum to talk about this journey, a new pathway that I hope will be filled with meeting new people and sharing stories to support each other. Willow

[Jani]

Hello Willow and welcome.  It's no surprise that those close to us sometimes know before we do!  That feeling of peace and calm is awesome!  It's been there all along and it comes from within you.

 

Your son may have a hard time understanding this news but you can alleviate some of his concerns by being the same person to him you always have been.  My son is quite older and is a quiet sort but our relationship has strengthened as I have been kinder and more understanding myself.  That your wife is supportive will hopefully go a long way to normalizing family life.  

 

As to your community, I assume this is neighbors and co-workers.  The area you are in is fairly accepting so I would certainly hope for the best.  Please join in the conversation and stay involved here.   We are a good community of caring and helpful folks.

 

Cheers, Jani

[Willow421]

3 hours ago, Jani said:

Hello Willow and welcome.  It's no surprise that those close to us sometimes know before we do!  That feeling of peace and calm is awesome!  It's been there all along and it comes from within you.

 

Your son may have a hard time understanding this news but you can alleviate some of his concerns by being the same person to him you always have been.  My son is quite older and is a quiet sort but our relationship has strengthened as I have been kinder and more understanding myself.  That your wife is supportive will hopefully go a long way to normalizing family life.  

 

As to your community, I assume this is neighbors and co-workers.  The area you are in is fairly accepting so I would certainly hope for the best.  Please join in the conversation and stay involved here.   We are a good community of caring and helpful folks.

 

Cheers, Jani

Hi Jani, thank you for your kind words. The Vancouver lower mainland is a good, caring community. I think my wife is more concerned about how she and our kids will be perceived by some of our friends and her work colleagues because I am choosing to eventually dress in clothes that are more feminine. This is a beginning for me and I'm building a wardrobe, not dressing often in women's clothes because I don't own any! I know she is concerned, even without telling me, our children will be harassed or discriminated against because of their dad. I hope this won't be the case, although I know some of our long-time friends will have difficulty understanding my choice. I am seeking out therapists that can help me explain my choice to my kids; I know this is the best thing for everyone. 

 

Being able to share my thoughts and feelings with this community is wonderful. Thank you!

 

Willow

[tracy_j]

Your wife may well find people do notice and she will have tricky questions to answer from people who live closeby as well as family. My partner was similarly worried, but this is something that is often more an envisioned thing rather than a major problem in practice (it was with us anyway). I do seem to have gained a more friendly interaction with people locally to me since dressing and behaving as a woman than before, as male, and my partner, although saying little (except when I occasionally dress oddly lol) does not worry like she did.

 

Of course, kids can get hassle, but it depends on so many things. I have found for the most part that kids these days take such things in their stride, and hassle often occurs when someone is looking for a reason rather than because one is there.

 

Tracy

[Willow421]

10 hours ago, tracy_j said:

Your wife may well find people do notice and she will have tricky questions to answer from people who live closeby as well as family. My partner was similarly worried, but this is something that is often more an envisioned thing rather than a major problem in practice (it was with us anyway). I do seem to have gained a more friendly interaction with people locally to me since dressing and behaving as a woman than before, as male, and my partner, although saying little (except when I occasionally dress oddly lol) does not worry like she did.

 

Of course, kids can get hassle, but it depends on so many things. I have found for the most part that kids these days take such things in their stride, and hassle often occurs when someone is looking for a reason rather than because one is there.

 

Tracy

Hi Tracy, thank you for the comments based on your first-hand experience. ?

[Jani]

I don't believe it will be a big issue for your family.  Most people that I know realize this is my decision not theirs.  There has been concern for them but nothing untold.  The rest of my family has been fine as well, including at recent weddings (3) where my sister's in-laws and friends were in attendance.  Obviously I have known these people for some time.  They treated my wife and I no different than before I came out.  

 

When people say they don't understand, tell them they don't have to understand to be understanding.  Add that hopefully someday soon they will arrive at acceptance. 

 

Hugs, Jani  

[GothicLucas]

I'm very happy for your success! I'm also worried about whether or not my child will be harassed or teased because of me, but it sounds like you have a lot of love and support from your wife, so I hope that will help mitigate any negative attention that your kids might receive. It might be that nobody makes a fuss at all.

[Willow421]

On 11/27/2018 at 9:11 PM, GothicLucas said:

I'm very happy for your success! I'm also worried about whether or not my child will be harassed or teased because of me, but it sounds like you have a lot of love and support from your wife, so I hope that will help mitigate any negative attention that your kids might receive. It might be that nobody makes a fuss at all.

GothicLucas, my wife, and I, may be telling ourselves a narrative that our kids may have difficulty with me coming out and their friends will tease or harass them. We really don't know but I don't want to hurt them while at the same time being true to myself. For now it is about taking small steps. Our kids will learn the truth in due course. So you sre probably right that nobody is likely to make a fuss at all.

 

Thank you for the suppprt.

 

Willow