Not ready to come out and the interesting tension that has on my marriage...

[LittleRed]

So to start, I really love my wife. She is quite possibly the most wonderful person in the world. I came out to her in July of this year as being non-binary and wanting to occasionally wear feminine clothing and as of now, I am identifying as a transgender woman. Initially, this was difficult for her to accept and wrap her head around but eventually she saw something in me that she really appreciates. She has really put her best foot forward and we have been "transitioning together". I'm currently NOT on HRT and have not come out to anyone (except for a few close friends). We're both in therapy together and my therapist is doing an "evaluation" for gender dysphoria (I'm experiencing this but we're being thorough). We have come out to our children (who have been awesome and accepting) and I can be "me" at home, which has been freeing and wonderful.

 

My wife has noticed (and expressed a lot) that there is a lot more life to me when I am Jennifer (as opposed to John). I don't think its that my personality changed and she would rather be with "her" as much as she notices that when I am comfortable in my own home being me, I seem to be so much happier and content with life. And I feel it too. My wife sees me as Jennifer (feminine clothing and my wig) on some days and other days I just have to have my "guy mode" on - mainly when I'm in and out of the house running errands and being out in public.

 

My wife has expressed that it is becomming difficult for her to see me as John lately.

 

Somehow this is causing her some tension. I totally understand what she is saying and I love that she loves me as Jennifer. I'm just not at a comfort level where I can come out publicly (and I don't think she is either) - we both have family and friends that would likely hurt us and not speak with us anymore.

 

I don't know what to do (or if there is anything that can be done). But I do love my wife and I feel like this is an "interesting tension" that we now have (probably a healthy tension). Its really affirming and it feels really good that she identifies me as a happier person when I can be myself and she loves that side of me already. However, it does put a little pressure on me to transition (not too much) and come out. I'm just not ready for that (lots of legitimate fear to overcome).

[LittleRed]

... and to clarify... we're not fighting or having issues of significance. These are just feelings she has expressed for a while now. Its sort of messing with her mind for me to switch from John to Jennifer and she just prefers me as Jennifer - because its me being me.

[VickySGV]

There is a pattern to what is going on and it really is very close to patterns of behavior that people who have lost someone to death go through.  The grief pattern is real and is somewhat predictable, going through shock, anger and others until you get to "resolution".  The point is that BOTH of you are going through those steps, but from different starting dates and with different contributions.  You are individuals as well as a couple while this goes on.  One may have more anger and the other more denial.  Yes we grieve our former selves as much as our families do, but we too work the stages.  I hope your joint therapist points this out to you and helps you work along giving each other what each needs when needed.  It is worth working toward for those whom I see have done it.

[LittleRed]

Interesting... I didn't think of this as being a possible grief process. Thats a good thing to keep in mind and yes, I'll bring up to the therapist.

[Jani]

What Vicky has written is certainly true.  Also as you can tell, switching back and forth between gender presentations can be stress inducing.  This is true for the people you love as well.  Once we shed some of the negative traits, our spouses and friends will find we are easier and nicer to be around.  This may cause some questions for them as well.  They cannot comprehend what we are experiencing because cis people just never question their gender, they just are themselves.   

 

My wife prefers me now as I'm much more predictable in my actions and rarely get flustered, unlike the person she knew.  It will take time for this change to sink in and become the new normal.  Take it slowly and you'll both do fine.

 

Jani 

[LittleRed]

So her tension is mostly with the lack of change. I'm sort of in a situation where I am dressing at home when I can, not on HRT, not living as a woman full time. It's almost like she needs me to kick this transition into gear. Just not ready to do that (at minimum not until our therapist hands me an official "Gender Dysphoria" diagnosis).

[RithiaAllen]

How long have you been going to your therapist? If I recall for me (it’s been awhile so the details are hazy) I had my HRT letter in time for Christmas and was waiting to be seen by my doctor at the time to get started. I think it was directly after July because I remember going to jeckle island in Georgia that year and having a internal struggle the entire time about if I wanted to or not and deny myself.

 

I believe that your therapist isn’t going to recommend you go on HRT if you don’t indicate that you are needing to move forward. I had to be very direct with my therapist and make it very clear that I had to go all the way and not look back because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

[LittleRed]

(CW on suicide, depression, inner tension)...

 

To answer your question, RithiaAllen, I've had some very difficult inner tension and a bunch of suicidal thoughts / visions that led to me deciding that I can't fight this anymore, which has led me to where I have been at for the past few months.

 

For me personally, "fighting it" was me trying to fight the fact that I have had these feminine feelings and desires for the past few years - trying to convince myself that I must be crazy and that none of this could possibly be real. Depression and inner-tension was a bit rough. This got real bad around August / September of this year. A few months ago I decided that the only thing I could do is accept "this" for what it is - I can't hide from myself that I feel like a woman nearly every day.

 

I've shared all these things with my therapist. Not sure how that will relate to my therapist's recommendations on HRT. I've stated that at minimum I just want to get the hair loss to stop and I'd like to get on some hormones, hoping it will help with depression and feelings of emptiness (both of which I've had for 21 years now since 7th grade).

 

I've had a blanket of depression and emptiness that comes and goes with occasional suicidal thoughts since 7th grade and have had difficulty understanding why and how to get past it all. I've never felt ok "being in my own skin" and never understood why until just a few months ago.

 

So will the therapist help me with HRT??... don't know but once her evaluation is finished, I'll be sure to have those discussions.

[RithiaAllen]

It depends on how it is phrased in order to convey why the hair loss is something you want to avoid. If it is so you can keep a full head of hair in the male role (I don't think this is the case) the therapist almost certainly wouldn't. If it is because the male hairline and hair loss is in line with things like developing facial hair and seeing other body changes that brought you distress growing up, almost certainly yes.

 

Plus I wouldn't bring up thoughts of suicide. I would be afraid that they would probably put you on some other sort of antidepressant to see if the gender dysphoria goes away. Instead I would convey to the therapist what was causing you distress and why. Is it your feeling of out of place in your gender role, don't have the thought patterns and nothing matches up in your being. Things like that.

 

From what I understand HRT is recommended when the therapist is reasonably certain the issue is gender dysphoria. Also I upfront had to ask for it. Maybe you could ask your therapist too? 

[Jani]

2 hours ago, RithiaAllen said:

I believe that your therapist isn’t going to recommend you go on HRT if you don’t indicate that you are needing to move forward.

In my experience and hearing from friends, you will have to ask for a letter of recommendation for HRT.  Its not their place to recommend HRT, but is to guide you through this process and help you decide what are the best decisions for you to make.   Open up and have a discussion with your therapist about HRT, it's pros and cons, for you.

 

Jani