I regret coming out to my parents

[GothicLucas]

It's one of the biggest regrets of my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh well, there's no going back.

Just thinking about it a lot, and don't have much else to add. I thought maybe someone else out there could relate. I've always been very distant from them, and could have lived as secretly transgender and one day in the future, they might have noticed that my face looked a little different, and my voice sounded deeper...

The only other thing I have to add is one of the most cutting remarks I've ever received in my life. When I told my mom I was FTM, she told me, "I understand you feel different, but you can just be your own kind of woman." Do you think I think real women are supposed to like sparkles, Barbies, and manicures otherwise they're not real women??? How simpleminded is that? I've spent a lifetime identifying as that one "girl who isn't like the other girls." I've tried all the "girl' and "woman" gloves on already. They didn't fit as well as this one. You have to believe someone is pretty stupid to believe that they think to themselves, "Women who don't emulate the stereotypical woman must not really be women."

You can tell me that she didn't mean any harm, and perhaps it's true to an extent, but one of the depressing things I've learned via coming out to my parents is that my mom is really dumb (simpleminded), is blind to the pain she has always caused me, and has some strictly conservative opinions that she's never elaborated before and is apparently not willing to change. These revelations are almost as awful as having my preferred name and gender ignored or challenged.

I suppose it just hurts that my own parents are more concerned about saving face and soothing their own pain than they are about their own child's wellbeing. I have learned a lot of new and unsettling things about both of my parents and have lost all faith in them. I already had so little to begin with.

 

Thanks for listening because this is really stressing me out, particularly considering the time of year it is.

[DeeDee]

GothicLucas perhaps someone in the chat here can help by listening in real time. I can offer you a virtual hug but not any true advice because I am just not in your situation, the most helpful thing I have seen is that cis people struggle with gender not only because they were brought up being told that there are only men and women and VERY defined roles for them, but because they have just never had to question it. Like the 1st time a kid is taken to see "santa" and freaks out crying and screaming - its a totally foreign concept and way outside what they know in their life up until that point, perhaps over time things may improve.  You were so brave to be able to tell them!

[Willow]

GothicLucas,

 

Unfortunately is isn't just parents that make similar comments when you come out to them.  You would hope that the people we love and trust would be more understanding and accepting, but not always.  There are plenty of people here that have had a similar experience, and lots of others whose parents and wives or husbands have been a lot more supportive.  

 

It sounds to me like your mother is in the in-between generation.  Not entirely prude and ultra conservative, but not understanding and accepting that there are some of us that break their mold.

 

A lot of good advice here give us time and someone will have your answers.  The best on I can pass on for now is give her time to understand and don't try to push her, that usually backfires.  She will cone around on her time schedule, not yours unfortunately.

 

Hugs

 

Willow

[Kirsten]

7 hours ago, GothicLucas said:

I suppose it just hurts that my own parents are more concerned about saving face and soothing their own pain than they are about their own child's wellbeing. I have learned a lot of new and unsettling things about both of my parents and have lost all faith in them. I already had so little to begin with.

 

 

I know all too well how you feel. I’ve spent my life trying to change my parents mind. The first time they found out I was trans I was 8. Now I’m 40. I am full time mtf and they recently have decided that it’s too hard to be around me so they’re done. They abused me my whole life physically and emotionally. Sent me to counselors that try to brainwash you into “normality”. And never once showed me any respect when it comes to my names or pronouns. 

Some people are just not able to accept things for whatever reason. I like the simpleminded idea myself for my parents as well. Or morons. Lol. It sucks when people are this way in general, but being your own parents makes it even harder. 

I saw a post on Facebook last week that I liked a lot. It said your given family may be important, but it’s your created family that is the most important. Sometimes we are just better off without people. Even the closest ones. 

Keep being you and things will work out! You ARE valid!! 

❤️❤️

[EvanC]

I think I can relate a little bit, even though I'm not out to my parents yet. Some things my mom has said, which weren't ill intentioned at all, cut me really deeply. I can remember trying to wear more masculine clothes as a teenager and asking my mom if she thought I looked more boyish in it. She said, oh honey, you will always look like a girl. I think she actually meant it to be reassuring, but all I remember is feeling sad and rejected. And that was way before I even considered that I might be transgender. Now that I think back on it, my mom also said things about how it was okay to like boyish things and still be a girl. 

 

I try to remember, as a parent myself, that our words, even ones we say offhand, can have an outsized effect on our children, and it is far too easy to get things wrong, or back to front. As others have said, maybe they will come around with time, but if they don't, well, I have more than one friend who is a much happier person after finally cutting certain family members out of their lives. 

[Jani]

11 hours ago, GothicLucas said:

You can tell me that she didn't mean any harm,

I can't say whether she meant harm (probably not) but she was looking at this from her cis-centric POV which is the only one she's experienced.  As to her opinions, yes some people are comfortable in whatever beliefs they first learned and are loath to change out of fear of unsetting their internal compass.  As far as being "simple minded", many people won't or can't take the long view in life, instead staying within the bounds of their narrow slice of life. 

 

2 hours ago, EvanC said:

I can remember trying to wear more masculine clothes as a teenager and asking my mom if she thought I looked more boyish in it. She said, oh honey, you will always look like a girl. I think she actually meant it to be reassuring, but all I remember is feeling sad and rejected.

This goes back to not asking questions you really don't want the answer to.  You asked one question and your mother heard a different question.  Without knowing where you head is, she was incapable of providing a valid response.   

 

Lucas, you may regret coming out your parents but at the end of the day you need to live your life as you best see fit.    

 

All my best, Jani

[EvanC]

9 hours ago, Jani said:

This goes back to not asking questions you really don't want the answer to.  You asked one question and your mother heard a different question.  Without knowing where you head is, she was incapable of providing a valid response.   

...

All my best, Jani

This is so true, and back then I didn't even know why I was really asking the question. I  don't remember thinking I was a boy back then, I just wanted to look more like one. But because of this and lots of other social pressures, I just pushed all those nebulous thoughts right back down and got on with trying to being a girl, since that was all I thought anyone would ever see me as. 

[Raven1981]

Hello GothicLucas

 

I can relate to you on regret coming out to my parents.  My mom is more accepting and is coming around.  But then I wish I had never came out to my dad or grandparents.  After I came out to them and told them about my feelings and how long I have felt this way and that I have always been in secret with this and then I just had to come out cause it felt like the walls were closing in on me, so I came out.  When I came out to my dad and my grandparents, they cut all ties with me and have never heard from them.  I try to talk to them and send them birthday cards and be nice cause I still love them, but they just ignore me 100%.  It hurts so much.  Granted my parents are divorced and I never really had a relationship with my dad cause he went out of my life when I was little and then came back in and now is gone.  I guess what's another 10 years in not communicating with me or seeing me.  It is on my dad for leaving me.  I try to stay in contact but can only do so much when my dad and grandparents are just stubborn and they have cut all ties with me.

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[jo jo]

tbh gothic lucas  maybe someone on this site can help but i can give you a massive virtual cwtch but for me coming out was pretty easy and straight forward and i had no probs at all but if you ever need to chat im here and so are most of the other people on this forum my heart goes out to u hun xx

[MarcieMarie12]

Family has this picture of you, they have expectations, ideas and dreams for you. Especially parents. Unfortunately, in many cases when we come out we have basically taken all of that and shattered it for them. Many react with anger, some with silence (my brothers are like this), and others with concern. It may take time for some to come around. The first reaction is not always the final reaction. For myself, I left the door open, but the holiday season is a sore spot and I feel the open door is getting closed because after three years I am tired of waiting.