I'm not sure what to do.

[Luci]

Hello everyone,
I am a male, and I have been having exceptionally strong transgender feelings and I'm not really sure where to turn. I just would prefer to be female. I have not told my family a word about these feelings. They have been so obsessively on my mind that it has interfered with my college work. However, I have told one close friend. She is very supportive. I was going to use a breast pump to increase my breast size. It is much more difficult to use than I had expected. I'm really not opposed to taking hormones, or doing even a full transition. My family and several of my close friends would be outraged. I simply don't want to risk losing their respect. I I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, the vast majority of my family, and one friend in particular would simply never look at me the same. I know people say, "it's your life and they'll get over it", but I simply have an incredibly considerate, affectionate, and compliant soul. Recently, I have bought breast forms and sports bras to be worn in the safety of my own room behind a locked door, and I LOVE the look, feel, and weight of them. If I did eventually transition via hormones, etc., I would then be a trans-lesbian. I am not attracted to men in the slightest. I have heard that it is possible that taking hormones may influence my sexual preferences. Transgenders and lesbians are two categories that DO NOT have the stamp of approval from my loved ones. It simply seems impossible to ever come out to my family. It just seems like it'd be trouble . So here I am, trying to figure out what my next step should be.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my woes.
Love,
Luci

[Jani]

Hello Luci and welcome.  The use of a breast pump will not give the results you expect.  Any increase in size will not stay for long at all.  Your sexual preference will most likely not change on HRT, unless you had feelings (even deep inside) that are different that what you say you prefer.   As you are away at college you do have soon freedom to experiment but you will have to eventually speak to your family.  I would recommend seeking out a therapist to speak with.   I think you will find it beneficial.  

 

Stay involved and join in the conversation. 

 

Jani

[Susan R]

Hello Luci, Welcome to TransPulse.  I have a heavy heart for your current situation.  It's so difficult having these feeling and having such a limitation (whether caused by others or self restricting) on expressing these feelings openly.

I, like many here, are struggling with these same issues.  Coming out makes us vulnerable and unpredictable reactions keep us from moving forward.  It's so hard overcoming one barrier to your freedom and then hitting another.  Each milestone gets you closer to your target but it is a process that takes time and patience.

Have you looked into gender therapy? I assume you have by now but that's a great place to start.  You can work through many of the questions you have and many of the issues you're living right now.  Therapy has helped me and I think you would benefit also.

Thank you for sharing.  I hope to hear more of your story.

 

Susan R?

[Luci]

Jani- I am currently living at home and commute to college. Also, I do not yet have my licence since I have not had access to a car to practice driving in. Meaning that my ability to experiment and express myself is INCREDIBLY limited.

 

Susan R- I tried to find a gender therapist since my normal psychiatrist for depression is unable to help me on my journey. Unfortunately, it seems all the gender therapists in my area cost roughly $250 per appointment. Which is simply too much for me right now. Also, again since I can't drive, my mom is constantly in my business.

Thank you again for your comments,

love,

Luci

[Susan R]

Luci,  You didn't mention anything regarding insurance so I'll assume for this post that you don't have insurance or they won't cover this type of therapy.  You might try to find a local TG group in your area as an alternative until you have a way to obtain therapy.

I attended a group in Seattle for years.  It was led by a fully accredited psychiatrist who herself was a post SRS woman.  This group also had highly accredited guests on occasion which was also very helpful.  Some of these guests were graduate students from the University and others were visiting psychiatrists in similar gender focused practices.  These groups may be more common in large metropolitan areas as there are no groups within an hour and 20 mins from my home.  You might look into this because if you can find a group, it's may be very helpful in your journey.  Keep in mind, these groups will not be able to accomplish the same things as a personal gender therapist.  A group, while very helpful, does not give you one on one help and can not issue a letter, which in most cases, is needed to move forward with HRT.

 

Susan R?

[Luci]

I really feel like I would be a lousy parent that is incapable of effectively raising children. I realize that countless people carelessly have children. I don't feel that I want children. That being said, I'm concerned that I may decide to become a parent at some point, and no longer be able to have biological children (due to HRT).

Love,

Luci

[Kirsten]

As many have said I think a therapist is a good idea for you. It seems like this is a relatively new idea to you, and if that’s so there are a lot of things to think about and get to the surface before you make any decisions. A gender therapist is not a requirement either. It is helpful, but even a basic therapist will help you get some of your pressing issues to the foreground. And you may find one at a much lower cost. 

Remeber this is not a race. Whatever you decide you have decades ahead of you to be your true self. Small steps and being sure is the most important part of all of this. Transition is not about changing your name and gender, it’s about discovery and inner peace. 

Kirsten 

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Kirsten said:

Transition is not about changing your name and gender, it’s about discovery and inner peace.

This is a wonderful statement!   Even if you cannot proceed too far due to your family and financial situation, you can still work at discovering the real you and becoming happy with that person. 

 

Jani

[KymmieL]

Well said, Kirsten. Look into counselors at school. even a transgender support group. A good majority of collages and Universities have them. There are undoubtedly more trans students in your school that you know. There also others in the very same position as you. You are far from alone. Just be who you are. No one can take that away.

 

Kymmie

[Luci]

Hello all,

My mom is much more transphobic than I ever thought. It makes me so upset. She told me today

"I was watching Dr. Phil. There was a boy who didn't leave his house because he hated his body. He wore a helmet with a face shield (I'm imagining like riot gear helmets or something) He eventually got a sex change and now has incredible confidence. But HE is misguided because HE doesn't want to work and just thinks men will buy HIM things, and HE'S right. HIS parents split up because HE was so freaky. HE and his mother lived with 13 different relatives who all threw them out because the BOY was too freaky. They now live in their car and are homeless. The BOY has a serious problem, but HE doesn't think so. HIS mother is normal, but her only problem is HIM and how freaky HE is. As HE was sitting with Dr. Phil, HE had to keep adjusting HIS miniskirt because it was way too short and HE was wearing way too much makeup. HIS voice sounded like he was intentionally trying to sound more feminine." I then explained thast having a sex change does not affect your vocal chords, so it is intentional.

 

WOW! Couple things

1: I'm emphasizing the pronouns because not once did my mom address the child as female.

2: I think it is wonderful that the child finally has confidence (I know I'm dissatisfied with my body and wish to change it)

3: I agree that depending on men giving you things and having zero desire to work is a bad approach.

4: I am more scared to tell my mother that I am trans than ever before. I have reached out to many gender therapists in my area, and will be starting treatment soon.

 

Love,

Luci

[Susan R]

Hi Luci,  I'm very happy you'll be able to start therapy soon.  Your therapist should be able to help you with understanding and dealing with issues like coming out and the issues related to your mom's attitude toward transitioning.  I'm hoping you can start therapy prior to coming out to her but that likely depends on your age and where you live.

Make sure you are well prepared when you get around to discussing this topic with your mom.  Address some of the issues she worries about with real facts.  It may require some time to prepare but it'll be well worth it.  Don't expect an overnight change with your mom either.  Be realistic.  This is all a timely process for everyone involved but you can always hope for the best.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Susan R?