Feeling a strong sense of shame :(

[hmillerrr]

Hey sooo... A few months ago I came here saying I think I might be trans and have experimented and realized that I feel amazing identifying as a male. I got called "he" by some girl that didn't even know I was trans (or identified as male) on Halloween and it made me feel amazing. But lately I've been feeling a strong sense of... Shame? I think? Or maybe it's dysphoria but every time someone, my sister for example, calls me he or by my name (Trevor) I just get angry I just...I don't feel good. I even got angry and impulsively told her to call me my birthname. (I later told her to call me Trevor again) but I'm just confused at my own emotions. ? The reason I say it might be dysphoria is bc it somehow started to make me feel worse like I knew that it didn't fit my appearance and that it's almost humorous and that made me really angry. I just.... I came on this site bc of the intense shame and suppression I was feeling when I started questioning and this site gave me peace but now the shame came back and I get embarrassed when ppl call me Trevor in public bc I know I don't "pass" enough. I don't know. I feel -crappy-. At this point in not even worried about others acceptance now but my own. IT was disappointing to realize I still haven't fully accepted myself. I don't know maybe I'm just feeling dysphoria?? I have such a strong to order a packer rn too.... Guys please let me know if u identify with these feelings or if this is dysphoria or something. I really need help identifying my emotions. It would mean the world and it DOES mean the world. Thank you. 

                                                - Trevor

 

[MicahKj]

i've been out and called by a masc name for years and just recently changed it over shame, not for being trans, but for being associated with myself at all. i'd used my old masc name from my mid teens up until a few weeks ago, somewhere between 7-9 years, and started to notice within this year that i felt horrible being called by my masc name. there are a lot of bad memories and feelings and personal failings packed into that name that i've been trying to distance myself from since leaving my old town, and while i'll admit that i'm still kind of a dumb -waffle-, i've grown enough as a person by now to find the mindset i used to have utterly disgusting. when my relatives call me by my old masc name, i feel like the same angry, helpless, stagnant bigot that i've always been.
i actually thought for a brief time that i would prefer it if my family went back to calling me by my deadname. it would mean not having to pay for a name change and i tried to cobble up some excuse about how taking it up again was owning up to being a transman and not a cisman. it didn't work because i still hate being called by my deadname, although the amount of discomfort isn't much worse than that from the masc name i had.

a friend suggested that i simply choose a new masc name to go by instead, so i found one and have been trying that for a couple weeks now, though only my mother and a neighbor we met once call me by it so far, so i couldn't really tell you how that method is working out yet. i don't lead a very active social life and i'm still having a hard time convincing the more cynical parts of my brain... that being, pretty much all of it... that i'm someone else now and can move on.
but hey, moral of the story, it's not too weird to have happened to more than one of us apparently, and if you're really torn about which name to go by you can always pick an entirely new one and see how that makes you feel.

aside from that, if you like a name but feel like it wouldn't "fit" you just because of your appearance, for one thing, keep in mind that people name their kids before they have any clue what they'll grow into, so a lot of people don't have "fitting" names. also your shape could change a lot if you decide to begin hormone therapy or end up building muscle, so there's that. 
for another, can you identify how much of this feeling is that you feel that your name doesn't fit you as in you don't feel like you properly identify with it, or is there any part of it that you're afraid that others will think it's not fitting for someone like you? because people can be odd, yes, but generally they're not putting as much thought into eachothers' various traits as a person's self-esteem might tell them they are. personally, i have a second-cousin named trevor and i'm probably always going to see him as a tiny, curly-haired little boy in sweats asking highly inaccurate questions about medieval murder implements. he wasn't anywhere near puberty last i saw him and he's the only trevor i've ever met, so he is my only notion on what a trevor is "supposed" to look like. it's probably similar for most other people you meet. they might know a specific trevor that the name makes them think of, or maybe they don't and you're the first they've met, and as far as they know, you're what trevors are supposed to look like. who or what kind of a person are you visualizing when you think of the name trevor, and why?

as for feeling ashamed about being trans, i think probably the vast majority of us go through that at some point or another. some move on from that feeling, some don't. it's just one more of those lovely little details about belonging to a group prone to emotional imbalance and poor societal reactions.

[hmillerrr]

Hmm that's an interesting thing to think about. 1. I really hope you find peace with your new name and that it brings u nothing but good. 2. I think I've realised that it might be my parents disapproval of me bc I just feel really shameful and kind of hold my breathe when my sister calls me Trevor. (My parents refuse to call me anything but my birthname) I don't know. When I said not looking life a Trevor I meant more as I don't feel like I look enough like man being that I'm pre-T and it makes me feel dysphoric/embarrassment in away, instead of bringing me comfort. But I guess it's only like that in public... Idk. Thank you alot @MicahKj,

Ps I don't know if u were trying to be humorous or ur just naturally funny but a couple parts had me cracking up. I needed a laugh, thank you!

-Trevor

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Trevor,

Reading your post I got the feeling you might be experiencing something similar to my situation. Hope I may be able to help in some small way. 

 

I have not medically transitioned. No gcs, hrt, feminization surgeries, no electrolysis or laser hair removal, nothing. No money for any of it. (Yes, I'm M2F). For various reasons I have to be as a male when I go to work or otherwise go out most of the time. When dressed so, it feels very strange in a way to be called Carla. Not strange that I am Carla, but knowing that I look like anything but Carla. Knowing that nobody outside of my circle would understand, and see me as a male makes it difficult. At the same time, it hurts if one in my circle calls me that male name. It hurts when our appearance doesn't match our identity. Sometimes I'll see my reflection in a mirror when dressed as male and think I can never really be a girl. That's the most painful thing of all. 

 

But I focus on the alternative, to live as a male. That would be unbearable. Over time it has gotten easier. Where  early on I dreamed of being a beautiful woman, I've come to accept the reality of my situation that I will always be what I am. Not a beautiful young woman, but a middle aged, and eventually elderly trans woman, not so beautiful, but me never the less. And I can live with that.

 

I know it's hard, especially when we're just starting out. But it does get better. I've learned to focus more on the successes than the disappointments. I hope this may help in some way.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[hmillerrr]

It's always great to hear from you @Timber Wolf ? thank you a lot for this. This has definitely helped me understand my feelings a lot more. I suppose I need to go easy on myself and try to feel okay. I've got time to start passing. I'm only 17 n I have to wait till I'm financially stable to start hrt. Ps I really really hope you can maybe come out at work sometime and know that I really respect your strength to be you even when u wish things were different. Thank you so much

[Bad]

Hey Trevor, I've dealt with some of the same feelings recently. I'm not out yet but sometimes I get anxiety over how my life will change, and what the future may hold for me-- will I be happy? Am I gonna be okay? Those questions are always on my mind... obviously nobody can tell me these things as it's just a matter of finding what feels right, and seeing where to go from there.

 

I second the idea to take it easy and give yourself time. Dysphoria sucks but I'm sure you will find your way. Be safe out there.

[hmillerrr]

29 minutes ago, Bad said:

Hey Trevor, I've dealt with some of the same feelings recently. I'm not out yet but sometimes I get anxiety over how my life will change, and what the future may hold for me-- will I be happy? Am I gonna be okay? Those questions are always on my mind... obviously nobody can tell me these things as it's just a matter of finding what feels right, and seeing where to go from there.

 

I second the idea to take it easy and give yourself time. Dysphoria sucks but I'm sure you will find your way. Be safe out there.

This means so much to me thank you @Bad I hope you find peace in time. I definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. If u ever need to talk or need advice you can always message me!

-Trevor

[Willow]

Trevor,

 

like Timber Wolf, I have not started any form of transition.  I have not made any attempt at going out dressed as my desired gender either.  So, what can I add that could help?

 

its this.  Gender dysphoria is not a choice we make. It’s just how we are.  Some of us, like you, figure it out young. Others like me, don’t.  But, we often feel shame b cause we don’t know any different.  But should we?  The answer to that is no!  We can feel confusion, and we can be uncertain of what we need, but never be ashamed of who you are.  You didn’t make this choice, something happened that makes you believe you are a boy and not a girl.  Shame is reserved for when you choose to do something you know is wrong, but do it anyway.  Gender dysphoria is not that.  It’s not an easy life to live.  You may loose friends, but don’t ever loose yourself.  You need to be you, whomever that turns out to be.

 

Hugs

 

Willow

 

 

[Susan R]

13 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

I've come to accept the reality of my situation that I will always be what I am. Not a beautiful young woman, but a middle aged, and eventually elderly trans woman, not so beautiful, but me never the less. And I can live with that.

 

6 hours ago, Willow said:

but never be ashamed of who you are.  You didn’t make this choice, something happened that makes you believe you are a boy and not a girl.  Shame is reserved for when you choose to do something you know is wrong, but do it anyway.  Gender dysphoria is not that.

Wow, these are two incredible statements from some very very wise women.  They're powerful, inspiring and incredibly helpful.  It's the information like what Timber Wolf, Willow and the others have written here that keep me coming back for more.

 

Susan R?

Edited December 3, 2018 by Dev
Edit: typo correction at Susan's request.

[hmillerrr]

I definitely agree @Susan R thank you so much. I really needed these responses. @Willow xx

[Willow421]

On 12/2/2018 at 7:10 AM, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Trevor,

Reading your post I got the feeling you might be experiencing something similar to my situation. Hope I may be able to help in some small way. 

 

I have not medically transitioned. No gcs, hrt, feminization surgeries, no electrolysis or laser hair removal, nothing. No money for any of it. (Yes, I'm M2F). For various reasons I have to be as a male when I go to work or otherwise go out most of the time. When dressed so, it feels very strange in a way to be called Carla. Not strange that I am Carla, but knowing that I look like anything but Carla. Knowing that nobody outside of my circle would understand, and see me as a male makes it difficult. At the same time, it hurts if one in my circle calls me that male name. It hurts when our appearance doesn't match our identity. Sometimes I'll see my reflection in a mirror when dressed as male and think I can never really be a girl. That's the most painful thing of all. 

 

But I focus on the alternative, to live as a male. That would be unbearable. Over time it has gotten easier. Where  early on I dreamed of being a beautiful woman, I've come to accept the reality of my situation that I will always be what I am. Not a beautiful young woman, but a middle aged, and eventually elderly trans woman, not so beautiful, but me never the less. And I can live with that.

 

I know it's hard, especially when we're just starting out. But it does get better. I've learned to focus more on the successes than the disappointments. I hope this may help in some way.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Timber Wolf, thank you for your prospective. I'm new to accepting myself and trying to figure out how to reconcile having to dress as male and feel female inside. What is acceptable? Am i "faking" it, deluding myself about my inner feelings of identity? Shame?Strange questions but I am assuming probably not unusual.

 

Trevor,  i empathize with your feelings. I hope you can find your true feelings and lose the sense of shame. You deserve to feel proud and happy about yourself.

 

Willow

[hmillerrr]

12 hours ago, Willow421 said:

Timber Wolf, thank you for your prospective. I'm new to accepting myself and trying to figure out how to reconcile having to dress as male and feel female inside. What is acceptable? Am i "faking" it, deluding myself about my inner feelings of identity? Shame?Strange questions but I am assuming probably not unusual.

 

Trevor,  i empathize with your feelings. I hope you can find your true feelings and lose the sense of shame. You deserve to feel proud and happy about yourself.

 

Willow

Thank you so much Willow. I hope the same for you. We've allowed ourselves to come this far right? Good luck to you! @Willow421